911 Jokes

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Funniest 911 Jokes

Funny 911 Jokes

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Accidentally called 911 Set my house on fire to not look stupid.

A guy calls 911 and says: "I hit a pig on the side of the highway, what do I do?" The operator replies: "If it's still alive, put it out of its misery."

The operator hears a gunshot and then the man comes back on the phone.

"Done, now what do I do with his motorcycle?"

Me: Hello 911 Operator: hello what's your emergency

Me: these men won't stop laughing at me

Operator: that's annoying but it's not a crime

Me: wtf is manslaughter then

Arrested at the airport I’m a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model

When i landed in New York the TSA asked me “are you here for business or pleasure”
I responded “I’m here for the new 911”

Who are the world's fastest readers? The 911 victims. They went through 50 stories in a minute.


I'm so sorry

A Polish man calls 911 And says, "Help! My wife is trying to kill me!"

The operator asks, "How can you be sure?"

The Pole says, "I was looking through her medicine cabinet, and I found Polish Remover!"

New 911 audio recordings of Chris Browns assault on Rihanna has been released to the public for the first time. It’s called Chris Browns greatest hits.

A blonde's boyfriend dies after choking She tried calling 911 but couldn't find the eleven.

A husband's wife is going into labour, so he decides to call 911... Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Responder: My wife's going into labour, I don't know what to do.

Operator: Is this her first born?

Responder: No this is her husband.

A boy calls 911. 911 picks up and the boy yells, "Help, help!

911 asks, "What's the emergency?"

The boy says, "Two girls are fighting over me!"

911 responds, "Is that a problem?"

The boy replies, "No, but it looks like the ugly one is winning!"

A guy calls 911 "Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"

"Just calm down down", says the operator, "Is this her first baby?"

"No it's her husband you idiot!"

Without the Arabs, we wouldn't have 911 We'd have CMXI

A guy calls 911 Guy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Guy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Guy: The ugly one is winning.

hello, hello ! 911 ? 911 ? Yes, Sir, what happened ?
"I think my wife's dead". "What happened, Sir ?" "Well...she's lying in bed, cold and stiff as usual, but the dishes haven't been done in 3 days !"

A person calls 911 Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Caller: I saw a black guy get shot!

Operator: Did you get the shooter's badge number?

911 What's your emergency? **Kangaroo:** I CAN'T FIND MY KIDS!

**911:** Did you check your pockets?

**Kangaroo:** [pats pocket] Oh nevermind.

Want to feel old? 911 was 1108 years ago.

A man calls 911 in a hurry. "911, what's your emergency?" the operator asks. "My wife has just gone into labor," the man tells her. "Is this her first-born child?" asks the operator.
"No," the man replies. "This is her husband."

Who are the worlds fastest readers The 911 jumpers, one hundred stories in a few seconds

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive. 10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

Ben has 911 candies. He eats 420. What does he have now? Diabetes.
Ben has diabetes.

Two hunters Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. The guy calls 911 and says, "Help, my friend is dead!" The operator says, "First lets make sure he is dead." The operator hears a gunshot and then says, "Ugh not this joke again."

A blonde accidentally starts a fire and then calls 911 Phone operator: hello, what is you’re
emergency?

Blonde: Help my house is on fire!

Phone operator: please remain calm, how do we get there?

Blonde: in a big red truck, duh

I witnessed a murder in the park last night and called 911 They told me to stop calling and leave the crows alone.

Why are 911 survivors the fastest readers? They went through 87 stories in 7 seconds

Dad Joke Operator: 911 What's your emergency?
Responder: My wife's going into labor, I don't know what to do.
Operator: Is this her first born?
Responder: No this is her husband.

A boys called 911 in order to contact the police Operator: Hello, can you please state your emergency.

Boy: I need help, two girls are fighting over me.

Operator: So what's the problem here?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

I used to be a 911 operator but I quit... It just wasn't my calling.

Once I had to call 911 but I pressed 7 instead of 9. The guy died but at least I got a Slurpee.

Did you hear about the man who had two wooden legs? His house caught fire. A neighbour called 911 and firemen responded. They saved the house but the man burned to the ground.

police and public Caller: Dials in 911 Hello officer, I broke my arm in 3 places!
Officer: Then stop going to those places.

I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach... I wanted emergency medical attention but 911 never returned my call. I guess they put it on the back burner.

Why did 10 have pdsd? He was in the middle of 911

Remember the first time you called 911 on your parents for a bullshit reason? It was right before you had to call them for a legitimate reason.

Why can't a blonde dial 911 She can't find the eleven.


Not sure if someone already posted this joke but a friend told me so I had to post it.

Donald Trump can only do ninehundred and ten pushups Bush did 911

Whats the diffrence between landscaping and 911? Landscaping is an outdoor job, 911 was an inside job

911 Emergency Call "911, what's your emergency?"

"I'm out hunting and my buddy just fell in a hole, I don't think he's breathing, I think he's dead."

"Okay, keep calm. The first thing we need to do is make sure he's dead."

*shot fired*

"Okay, he's dead, what next?"

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New 911 Jokes

The interesting 911 call Calls 911....

dispatcher: 911 what's your emergency?.

Caller: Hello, my bro, just thought I'd call to check on how you was doing...

Dispatcher: ??....

Caller: I don't want you to think I only call you when I am in trouble you see.

Dispatcher:..

Pickup line to use on women in bars: "I broke up with my girlfriend because she called 911 to report she ran out of toilet paper." Now if someone can tell me where an open bar is?

I called 911 the other day, and told them I needed to be arrested. "Are you out of your mind?" asked the operator. "No, see, I robbed myself." I replied. "I'm a burglar, but I'm working from home."

Emergency dispatchers never work outside. It’s because 911 is an inside job.

Most first responders work out on the street, but for the emergency operators answering your calls, 911 is an inside job

911 joke competition Hey guys, me and some coworkers are doing a 911 joke competition that will end on 911. There are going to be 3 judges and I need help getting the best 911 jokes. Thank you.

911 operator: What’s your emergency? Me: Um, I think my crush gave me the wrong number.
911 operator: Well, what number did she give you?
Me: this one

A Polish man calls 911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Pole: Help! My wife is trying to kill me!

Operator: How do you know?

Pole: I checked her medicine cabinet and found Polish remover!

A drunk guy killed a cop then called 911 He said: "now you're 990"

The 911 operator didn’t take my report of an earthquake seriously. I guess he didn’t understand the magnitude of the situation.

911 what's your emergency? "I think my friend died should i start a cpr?"

"No make sure he is dead first"

- 2 gunshots in the background -

"He is 100% dead now what?"

The only jokes we aren’t allowed to tell are 911 jokes Saying one of those would bring the whole building down

A lion calls 911 and gets put on hold. a couple of minutes later...

911 what is your emergency?

Jeez Finally! One of our lion cubs was eaten by a hyena!

Are the other cubs safe??

Well, I actually got really hungry while I was on hold...

911 never forget The /

A blonde's house is on fire... so she calls 911 on her cell.

Blonde:"Come quick my house is on fire!"

911 op: "Ma'am I don't see you address coming up how do we get there?"

Blonde: "Well duh, a big red truck!"

We're celebrating 911 today, swing on by... ...for dueling jenga and paper airplane contests.

A boy calls 911 \-911 what's your emergency?

\-I need your help!

\-Alright, what is it?

\-Two girls are fighting over me!

\-Well, that doesn't sound so bad..

\-But the ugly one is winning!

Age is just a Number... people say So is 911

I got sacked on my first day as a 911 dispatcher... I got a call saying "officer down, officer down"

I said "aw, what's up buddy, I'll cheer you up"

What did the horse who called 911 say? "Help I've fallen and I can't giddyup!"

Stolen from my friend's daughter lol

What does a Porsche 911 and the smallest possible forest have in common? They're both 2 cedars (seaters).

She tied me up and had her way with me. 911 OPERATOR: Do you wanna press charges?

No, I just wanted to brag about it to somebody.

On an application form I was filling out was the question, "Who should we notify in the event of an emergency?" I wrote, "The 911 operator."

A drunk shoots a police officer He calls 911 and asks:

Drunk: Is this 911?

Dispatcher: Yes.

Drunk: Well there's 910 of you now!

I called 911 about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up. They said they couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

So Porsche released a Jewish Car... The Yom KiPorsche, since the Muslims already had the Porsche 911

Why'd the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him? It was an emergent sea.

What is a terrorists favorite car? a Porsche 911

A boy calls 911 Boy: Hello? I need your help!

911 Operator: What's your emergency?

Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!

911 Operator: So what's the problem?

Boy: The ugly one is winning.

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Long 911 Jokes

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's a gunshot.

The man then says, "OK, now what?"

Edit: I SWEAR TO YOU I DID NOT WATCH 100 HUMANS SO STOP SAYING THAT

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.

The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?

There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead

Two men are out hunting when one of them suddenly drops dead. He calls 911 immediately. The operator says "Can I help you sir?"

The man replies "I think my friend is dead! Get an ambulance! What should I do?"

The operator replies "Okay, calm down sir. First we have to make sure he is dead."

There is silence, then a gun shot, then the man comes back on "Okay, what now?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses. The other hunter pulls out his phone and calls 911

"My friend is dead, what am I going to do?" the hunter desperately asks.
"Just take is easy, I will help you. First; you need to make sure that he really is dead." the operator replies calmly.
#BANG
"Ok, now what?"

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911

''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

A kid falls into a well.

After a few hours, a man walks by and hears shouting. He walks over to the well and yells "Is somebody down there?"

"Yes, please help me!"

"Okay, I called 911 and they're on the way. How old are you? What's it like down there?"

"I'm 14 and this is deep!"

An old lady calls 911 late one night...

So an old lady calls 911 late one night. The dispatcher answers "911, what is your emergency?"

"There appear to be two men rummaging through my shed."

"A breaking and entering? We'll have an officer over in an hour."

"An hour? But they won't be here in an hour. They're breaking and entering now."

"Ma'am, no officers are available right now. We'll send a squad car by in an hour."

The old lady hangs up, then calls back a few minutes later.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"I'm the lady who called about the two men breaking into my shed. You don't have to send anyone. I shot them."

Within a few minutes, there are police all over her yard. The men are apprehended, and the commanding-officer-on-scene goes up to take the woman's statement.

"One other thing... I thought you told the 911 dispatcher that you had shot the men?"

"And I thought the 911 dispatcher had told me that there were no officers available."

Best Joke in the history of jokes, maybe ever

2 guys are hunting in the woods. The first guy faints and stops breathing. The second guy calls 911 and they say "911, what's your emergency?".

The guy says "My friend and I were hunting in the woods and he fainted. I think he's dead."

The 911 operator responds "First make sure that he is dead before anything"

A loud shot is heard. The guy then says "Ok, what do I do next"

A man frantically calls 911

A man frantically calls 911

The operator says “911 what’s your emergency?”

The man replies “I think my friend is dead.”

The operator says “ok sir can you make sure he’s dead?”

The operator hears a gunshot and the man says “ok now what?”

Crazy, nothing and no-one

Crazy, Nothing and no-one are sitting in a boat. After a big wace no-one falls out out the boat! “Quickly, call an ambulance!” Shouts nothing.
Crazy calls 911 and says: “help! I’m crazy, i am calling for nothing, because no-one fell out of the boat!”

Anyway this joke was really funny in my language, i hope it translates somewhat.

Two carrots are walking together down the street,

One of them stepped onto the road and ended up getting run over by a car. The other carrot calls 911 and they take him to the hospital. After hours of waiting the doctor comes out
and says, "I have good news and bad news, the good news is your friend is going to make it, the bad news is that he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life"

Two hunters

Two hunters were out walking in the woods when suddenly one of them collapses and falls to the ground. The other hunter calls 911 and says "Help! My friend collapsed and died! What can I do?". The 911-operator replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, let's make sure he's really dead". There's a silence and then a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says "Ok, now what?"

Two guys are hiking in the woods...

Two guys are hiking in the woods when one gets bit on the asscheek by a snake. His friend calls 911 and asks what to do. The responder says to put his mouth on the bite and suck the venom out. He promptly hangs up the phone and his friend says "what did they say"

He replies, "You're gonna die buddy"

An elderly woman called 911...

An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.

"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"

The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.

Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.

"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."

A blonde woman finds a dead body...

Immediately, she calls the police.

She says, "Hello, I have found a dead body"

The 911 operator replies, "Ok. Thank you for letting us know. Can you tell me the street on which you found it?"

She looks around and says, "Eucalyptus Street"

The operator asks, "Can you spell it for me?"

The blonde women thinks, and tells the operator, "Don't worry, I'll just move it to Smith Street"

A salesman gets lost (a little long)

A Salesman gets lost in the woods. Nearing dark he sees a farmers house, and decides to ask for a place to sleep. The farmer says, "Sure, but you're going to have to stay in the barn with some of the animals."
The salesman agrees, but before he could walk to the barn, the farmer tells him not to mess with the hole in one of the stables. The farmer goes off to the house, and the Salesman gets ready for bed.
A few hours into the night, the salesman starts to wonder about this "hole"... he looks over it, and sees that its got some heat coming from it, and its kinda moist. A few minutes pass and one thing leads to another...
The next day the farmer is woken up by the police at the door. An officer tells him they got a 911 call and tracked it to this location. The farmer says he didn't call, but maybe the Salesman did. He rushes over to the barn to see the Salesman pants down and pale white inside the "hole".
The farmer looks to the officers and says "Dang it,that's my milkin machine... it won't stop till its got 1 gallon."

Two Hunters

A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got bit by a rattlesnake, blablabla, what should I do?"

- Relax, sir. We're sending a helicopter right away. In the meantime, we need you to suck on the bite so as to take the venom out. It's the only way to make sure he won't die. You heard me? The only way you can keep him alive is sucking on the bite! You can save him!

- O.K thank you!"

The hunter that got bit then proceeds to say:
- "So? What did they tell you?"

And the other responds:
- "They say you're going to die"

I need an ambulance

911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency?

Drunk southern man: A man's been shot. I need an am-bu-ance.

911 Operator: Where are you at?

Man: I'm on Sycamore Street.

Operator: Sir you're going to have to spell that.

Man: Si... No, Sy... Tell you what, I'll drag him over to Oak street and meet you there.

A very rich, materialistic man is sitting and thinking.

He has many luxurious things - everything inside and out, huge mansion, massive watch collection, extensive antique display, and most importantly, a gallery of luxury cars.

He, in high spirits, decides to add to his car collection and buys a brand new Lamborghini Huracan. Then, he spends the next 2 hours driving around, showing off his car, and waving to pedestrians.

Nearing the end of his day, he parks in a restaurant parking lot and gets out but suddenly another car slides into the space next to him and rips the door clean off!

The man, infuriated, yells in anger and whips out his phone and dials 911. He yells at the dispatcher saying, "This man just ripped the door clean off my new Lambo! I demand you send an officer! Arrest him! Shoot him!

The dispatcher replies, "sir, um, this kind of issue doesn't deserve a 911 call—"

"No! I paid very good money for this car and I demand you send an officer at this instant!"

"Alright sir, he's on his way."

When the officer arrives, the rich man is already all up in the officers face, exclaiming how this ignorant man destroyed his new car.

The officer yells back, "You disgust me! Your materialistic traits have kept you from realizing that not only did the door get torn off the car, but so did your arm!"

The man looks down at his arm and exclaims, "Oh no, my Rolex!!"

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