Awful Jokes

Contents

Funniest Awful Jokes

A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

Funny Awful Jokes

What is great in the US but awful in the UK? Losing pounds

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

A while back, my father told me an awful dad joke. He said he'd be right back

My dad always said, "No news is good news" Great guy, awful journalist.

What do you call a sexist Masseuse? A Massaginist!

It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.

I ran my car into a pole late last night The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving

Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great... But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.

Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.

Why should you distrust atoms? Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.

EDIT: Because I forgot about neutrinos.

A doctor's appointment A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

Went to donate blood today... awful experience, never again... Question after question... "who's blood is it?"... "where did you get it?"... "why is it in a bucket?"

Two antennas fall in love with each other on a roof and decide to get married The wedding was awful but the reception was great.

Why is it awful to be an egg? You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.

If there's two things I've learned in life It's that I'm awful at counting.

This sub is just terrible bank of awful puns and I'm losing interest

I got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. **The doctor says it’s terminal.**

Awful pick up line Are you my big toe?

Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.

What's the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

I once burnt down a shoe factory I feel awful when I think of the soles lost

‘Will you kids stop making that awful racket!’ Said the quality control officer at the sporting goods factory.

I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal.

[At a restaurant] Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes. Me: Ok. And for the main course?

I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him.

You just did. Want to hear an awful time travel joke?

Why don't frogs use screws? Because they prefer rrrrrivets.

*been using lots of rivets on a project lately when I came up with this awful dad-style joke. But I'm 40 and a dad so I'm a fully-licensed dad joker ."*

I heard the employee healthcare plan for Apple is awful It only covers iDoctors

Why would a tree make an awful Uber? They can’t decide on a route.

I have this awful affliction where I can’t stop telling airport jokes I think it’s terminal

My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today... So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.

Apparently, if a bear attacks, you are supposed to play dead. You know, that sounds an awful lot like something a bear would say...

He died doing what he loved Is an awful thing to say at the funeral of a drug addict who overdosed

What kind of poultry is good at dancing? A twerkey!

Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time.

Picking herbs is an awful job... ... It's very thyme consuming.

Scotland is like Iraq A little but Sunni, but an awful lot Shiite.

It's a good thing Hitler didn't kill more black people. Because I'd feel awful every time I said Iwanted to bake brownies.

A mute guy survived an awful car crash early this week, what a lucky man! I mean, he lost his hands but I guess he can't complain.

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New Awful Jokes

I hate watching the news these days, it's all just so awful I miss the days when the only thing on the news was story's about planes flying into buildings and thousands dying

Two friends are meeting in a bar Friend1: My wife and I got a new pet.

Friend2: Cool, what is it? A cat? A dog?

Friend1: Neither. It is a skunk.

Friend2: Oh gosh. Isn't it smelling totally awful in your home?

Friend1: Well, the pet will have to get used to it.

Sovereign citizens must be really awful at basketball. No matter what happens, they're always traveling .

The Coronavirus sounds like something you'd tell your parents you had after a night of underage drinking Kid: "Ugh, I feel awful and I have the worst headache"

Mom: "Oh no kiddo, what's wrong?"

Kid: "Oh, I uh, I have the coronavirus"

Apparently Chris Pratt is famous in China They were selling it in many restaurants, tastes awful though...


(Crisp Rat)

My wife told me to stop making awful dad jokes. I told her that she can’t stop me. I’m a groan man.

Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy. That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.

A fortune teller has told me it’s my destiny to die at a coconut shy What an awful fete that will be

No pain, no gain. Nice saying during exercise, awful thing to hear your uncle say after the sound of a zipper.

I'm so tired of my phone carrier... I had the Wi-Fi hotspot on and I was connected from my laptop, the signal was awful and I ran out of data

I tell you what, I'm at the end of my tether...

Why is North Korea such an awful place? Because it has no Seoul.

So I heard this pretty awful pun about eggs the other day.... and I was like oh no, not egg-hen!

What is that awful smell? Oh, it's just the ol' factory.

My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so awful we had to take the bike away

Why did the Pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? Because he had a really big bill.

​

Credit: Gravity Falls (felt like sharing this god awful pun)

I watched a documentary on mathematical functions last night, but was really disappointed. The plot line was predictable. The special f(x) was awful too.

An awful joke that popped into my head What do you give a dog that graduates from university?

A pedegree

I got fired from the keyboard factory. I told my boss all these awful keyboard factory jokes from this page and he told me to leave.

i heard that the old vaccums were awful i used one...and they sucked...

I'm awful when it comes to Jenga. The odds are just always stacked against me.

Policeman: "Sir, you just told an officer an awful pun. I'm going to have to give you a-" Me: "Fine."

My friend is a CEO of a rather large corporation. He tells me he hired his account based solely on her looks, but is generally awful at her job. It’s the THOT that counts.

What makes awesome good and awful bad? What makes awe**some** good and aw**ful** bad?

​

Moderation

What makes an awful sniper? Bad scoping mechanisms

My mom told me that whenever she saw me, she became full with aw She said I’m always awful

What do you call an awful Halloween night handjob? The Monster Mash

According to some EU rules, all the countries in EU have to have clean tap water. That explains why Britain has awful tasting water.

In defense of Hitler ... he sure made that awful mustache REALLY unpopular.

How do you make a baby float? 1 part ice cream, 2 parts baby. Blend well.

Credit to my friend Tristan for this awful joke.

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 35th birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

Whats a great game on paper, but awful in real life? Hangman

Did you hear about the styrofoam man that worked on an electric train? He was fired because he was an awful conductor.

I was in an awful chemical accident that turned my skin blue, but on the bright side I was finally accepted into the Smurf community after many years of trying. it was quite cyandipitous.

What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil? The 2016 election.

There isn't enough recognition for the farmer who used his barren field to host the first Bovine Boxing tournament He gave up an awful lot to see some bulls hit.

My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.

What is great to have one of, but awful to have two? An X chromosome

I out daded my dad, then he outdad me I caught my dad drinking an awful lot of water today.

I said, "are you well?"

"Haha, very funny", he replied.

"Well, I must be all right", he said holding up his empty glass, "cos there's none left".

One of the truly awful classes in school is botany It really weeds out the people who should be there and who shouldn't be

What’s great is US but awful in UAE getting stoned

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Long Awful Jokes

Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest.

After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, some of the best our city has ever seen. There was a fire here at the clubhouse about five years ago. Those heroic men saved our clubhouse from the fire. However, most unfortunately, they all lost their sight in the terrible fire. Since then, they are welcome to use our facilities for life; it's the very least we could do."

The priest, looks forlorn and says, "I'm so sorry to hear it! I will hold a prayer service this Sunday dedicated to these men."

The doctor says, "what an awful thing! I know a highly-regarded optometrist who has done some research that might be able to help them, I'll arrange for them to meet as soon as I can!"

The engineer thinks for a moment and says, "why can't they golf at night?"

A man wakes up at home with an awful hangover...

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.  He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.  "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping.  Love You!"  Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.  His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"  His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.  Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and  breakfast is on the table waiting for me?  I should expect a big quarrel with her!"  His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,  "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

Dog sitting

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs."
"I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," he replied.

**Edit** Never thought I'd make front page! Now I can validate that I'm funny!!

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:

"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

A train goes under a tunnel. Credits to /u/capilot

A soldier, an officer, a young woman, and a matron are sitting in a train compartment. The train goes into a tunnel, and for a moment all is dark. A kiss is heard, followed by a slap. The light comes back, and the officer is rubbing his face.

The matron thinks "that awful officer kissed the young woman and got what he deserved."

The young woman thinks "that blind fool tried to kiss me, and kissed the old woman instead."

The officer thinks "That cheeky private kissed the girl and she thought it was me."

The soldier thinks "That worked out pretty well. I kissed the back of my own hand and got to slap an officer."

The Rabbit

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to he car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: " 'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."

Scottish man studies in an English University

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

This is Gold

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

Tommy comes back off his holiday with his mum and his step dad and the teacher asks him...

"Hello Tommy, did you enjoy your holiday?"

"I did Teacher"

"And did your stepdad take you out, show you things, go exploring?"

"Yes he did teacher, he took me out rowing 1/2 a mile into the lake every day, and then I'd swim back."

"Oh, well, um, it's an awful long way to swim isn't, 1/2 a mile?"

"Oh no teacher, no, it was easy once I'd got out of the bag!"

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him I've got problems.

"Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year" said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears".

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit" replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you" I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

"Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A barman cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV".

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said "and how, may I ask, did a barman cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed... ain't nobody under there now!"

Rabbit and the blonde

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible!" he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, "Don't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)


(You can still delete it)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

The boy went to say his nightly prayers....

His father listened from the door as the boy said "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, God Bless Grandma, goodbye grandpa"
The next day the family awoke to found the grandpa dead, but brushed it off as an awful coincidence.
A few days go by and the boy is saying his prayer "God bless mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
Sure enough the next day she is dead, and the father is starting to really freak out.
A week goes by and the boy is saying his prayers "God bless mommy, goodbye Daddy"
The next day the father wakes up, goes to work, and stresses the entire day about his fate. When he gets home he is upset and wants to console with his wife. She is also upset and he asks what wrong.
She says "You'll never believe what happened today the mailman came to deliver the mail and dropped dead right on the doorstep"

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said. Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

My Lawyer said to me...

“I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

“I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first,” I said.

My lawyer said: “Your wife invested $5,000 in 2 pictures today that she figured were worth a minimum of $5 million!!!”

“Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day – now what’s the bad news??” I replied enthusiastically

“The pictures are of you shagging your secretary,” he said.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says..
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance)
(OK, here it is)
It says,
"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair
and adds a permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!

A man is sobbing into his beer...

It being a slow night, the bartender asks him what's wrong and offers him some sympathy.

The man responds "My roommate says I should quit drinking, last night I came home and I blew chunks all over the living room."

"Harsh," the bartender replies, "But that's hardly a reason to quit drinking."

"No man, I blew chunks in the kitchen, I blew chunks on the stairs, I blew chunks in the bathroom, I blew chunks EVERYWHERE."

"I'd hate to agree with your roommate, seeing as how that means less business for me, but maybe he's got a point. That's an awful lot of vomit to have to mop up..."

"No, no, you don't understand," The man sobbed, "Chunks is my Dog."

"Dog Sitting"

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, she called the veterinarian. Although it was late, he answered in a very grumpy voice. After having explained the problem to him, the vet said "Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise from the ringing will make the male dog lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Well, it just worked for me." he replied.

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