A fortune teller told me I'd suffer awful heart break in 12 years. To cheer myself up I bought a puppy.
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
What do you call a sexist Masseuse?
It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.
So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. While they may be nice and all where I live in NYC, kids in Germany are kinder.
I ran my car into a pole late last night The worst part was the awful sound it made, but I don't speak polish so I just kept driving
Everyone in Texas thinks Texas is great... But on a scale from awful to great Texas is just below OK.
Back in the civil war, gunshot wounds used to be the most gruesome, awful way to die. Now it's considered kid stuff.
Why should you distrust atoms?
Because they make up an awful lot of stuff.
EDIT: Because I forgot about neutrinos.
A doctor's appointment
A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.
"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.
"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."
Went to donate blood today... awful experience, never again... Question after question... "who's blood is it?"... "where did you get it?"... "why is it in a bucket?"
Two antennas fall in love with each other on a roof and decide to get married The wedding was awful but the reception was great.
Why is it awful to be an egg? You only get laid once, it takes three minutes to get hard, and you come in a box with eleven others.
I got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes. **The doctor says it’s terminal.**
Awful pick up line
Are you my big toe?
Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.
What's the difference between awkward and awful? Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her
‘Will you kids stop making that awful racket!’ Said the quality control officer at the sporting goods factory.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes My doctor says it's terminal.
[At a restaurant] Her: It’s not working out between us. For starters, I’m sick of your awful jokes. Me: Ok. And for the main course?
I've had an awful year. I lost my job, broke my leg and my wife's run off with my best friend... I do miss him.
Why don't frogs use screws?
Because they prefer rrrrrivets.
*been using lots of rivets on a project lately when I came up with this awful dad-style joke. But I'm 40 and a dad so I'm a fully-licensed dad joker ."*
My 18-month old son fell asleep on my lap today... So I carried him upstairs, laid him down and went back downstairs to relax for another 20 minutes or so. Everyone on the bus must have thought I was an awful parent.
Apparently, if a bear attacks, you are supposed to play dead. You know, that sounds an awful lot like something a bear would say...
He died doing what he loved Is an awful thing to say at the funeral of a drug addict who overdosed
What kind of poultry is good at dancing?
Apologies for the awful joke. Thought of it this morning and it made me laugh for an unreasonable length of time.
It's a good thing Hitler didn't kill more black people. Because I'd feel awful every time I said Iwanted to bake brownies.
I hate watching the news these days, it's all just so awful I miss the days when the only thing on the news was story's about planes flying into buildings and thousands dying
Two friends are meeting in a bar
Friend1: My wife and I got a new pet.
Friend2: Cool, what is it? A cat? A dog?
Friend1: Neither. It is a skunk.
Friend2: Oh gosh. Isn't it smelling totally awful in your home?
Friend1: Well, the pet will have to get used to it.
Sovereign citizens must be really awful at basketball. No matter what happens, they're always traveling .
The Coronavirus sounds like something you'd tell your parents you had after a night of underage drinking
Kid: "Ugh, I feel awful and I have the worst headache"
Mom: "Oh no kiddo, what's wrong?"
Kid: "Oh, I uh, I have the coronavirus"
Apparently Chris Pratt is famous in China
They were selling it in many restaurants, tastes awful though...
My wife told me to stop making awful dad jokes. I told her that she can’t stop me. I’m a groan man.
Fitness experts recommend walking 10,000 steps per day to remain healthy. That is an awful lot of trips to the fridge.
A fortune teller has told me it’s my destiny to die at a coconut shy What an awful fete that will be
No pain, no gain. Nice saying during exercise, awful thing to hear your uncle say after the sound of a zipper.
I'm so tired of my phone carrier...
I had the Wi-Fi hotspot on and I was connected from my laptop, the signal was awful and I ran out of data
I tell you what, I'm at the end of my tether...
So I heard this pretty awful pun about eggs the other day.... and I was like oh no, not egg-hen!
Why did the Pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?
Because he had a really big bill.
Credit: Gravity Falls (felt like sharing this god awful pun)
I watched a documentary on mathematical functions last night, but was really disappointed. The plot line was predictable. The special f(x) was awful too.
An awful joke that popped into my head
What do you give a dog that graduates from university?
I got fired from the keyboard factory. I told my boss all these awful keyboard factory jokes from this page and he told me to leave.
Policeman: "Sir, you just told an officer an awful pun. I'm going to have to give you a-" Me: "Fine."
My friend is a CEO of a rather large corporation. He tells me he hired his account based solely on her looks, but is generally awful at her job. It’s the THOT that counts.
What makes awesome good and awful bad?
What makes awe**some** good and aw**ful** bad?
According to some EU rules, all the countries in EU have to have clean tap water. That explains why Britain has awful tasting water.
How do you make a baby float?
1 part ice cream, 2 parts baby. Blend well.
Credit to my friend Tristan for this awful joke.
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 35th birthday... and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
Did you hear about the styrofoam man that worked on an electric train? He was fired because he was an awful conductor.
I was in an awful chemical accident that turned my skin blue, but on the bright side I was finally accepted into the Smurf community after many years of trying. it was quite cyandipitous.
What do you call it when two unspeakably awful demons compete to see which is the most evil? The 2016 election.
There isn't enough recognition for the farmer who used his barren field to host the first Bovine Boxing tournament He gave up an awful lot to see some bulls hit.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will. When I took them to be valued I was told they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius Sadly, they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
I out daded my dad, then he outdad me
I caught my dad drinking an awful lot of water today.
I said, "are you well?"
"Haha, very funny", he replied.
"Well, I must be all right", he said holding up his empty glass, "cos there's none left".
One of the truly awful classes in school is botany It really weeds out the people who should be there and who shouldn't be