Blond Jokes

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Funniest Blond Jokes

Funny Blond Jokes

What do you call a blond that dyes her hair? Artificial Intelligence

A blond man. A blond man shouts frantically into the phone.

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" Asked the doctor.

"No. This is her husband."

Dry cleaners. A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."

In light of all the recent blond jokes... Why are blond jokes so short?


So men can remember them.

A blond girl turns on the radio and hears that 2 Brazilian men were killed As she starts to cry she asks "How many is a Brazilian?"

I had a little car accident On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman? Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

Why was the blond excited when she finished her puzzle after 6 months? Because the box said 2-4 years!

Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons? Apparently blond guys aren't too smart either.

Q: why did the blond stare at her orange juice for 2 hours? A: because it said "concentrate"

A blond is watching the news and hears that 2 Brazilian men died from Coronavirus. She cried and asked, "Oh my gosh, how many is a Brazilian?"

How do you call it when a blond girl dyes her hair brunette? Artificial Intelligence.

What do you call a blond with a brain...? A golden retriever

Why did the blond snort NutraSweet? She thought it was diet coke.

Did you hear about the blond who got pregnant? She wasn't sure if the baby was hers!

How did the blond chip her tooth? With her vibrator

A blond takes her goldfish to the vet. "I think it's got epilepsy" she tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

The blond says, "Well DUH!!!, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

how do you know if a blond has tried to commit suicide they're bullet holes in the mirror

Whats the difference between a blond and a mosquito? If you slap a mosquito it will stop sucking!

James Bond gets called into M's office M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Why did the blonde have bruises on her belly button? Blond guys aren't too smart either.

You seem to like blonde jokes around here. Here is my favorite: Why did the blonde have such a terribly bruised belly button? Her boyfriend was blond as well.

Why can't a blond dial 911? She cant find the eleven.

Why do some blondes have bruised belly buttons? Because there are blond guys too.

A blond man walks into a bar He sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself, so he goes over to introduce himself.

"Hello miss, my name is Billy. Can I buy you a drink?"

She says, "I'm Amanda."

The man says, "Oh, I'm sorry to bother you, sir." and leaves.

Why did the blond climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.

How do you tell if a blond has been working at your computer? There's white out all over the screen

A blond couple is in the hospital and the wife is in labor... After a few laborious hours out pops a beautiful baby boy.
then, another!
Two beautiful twins!
however, the father is furious....
"Ok! who's the other guy you're seeing?!"

A blond walks into a bar You think she would've seen it.

Why do blond girls like odd numbers? Because they can’t even

A Blond walks into a library A blond walks into a library and says "can I get some cheeseburgers?"

The librarian says "this is a library"

So the blond apologizes and whispers "can I get some cheese burgers?"

Why didn't the blond call 911? She couldn't find the 11 on the dial pad.

How about a blond joke. My cousin blond* was once asked at a restaurant if she wants her egg poached. She promptly replied "isnt that illegal." True story too.

20 blondes are standing outside a bar. On the other side of the street another blond is walking by; "Hey, come over here. You have to be 21 to enter"

My blond girlfriend ain't too bright. I told her I played Russian roulette once. She asked me if I lost.

Whats the difference between a blond girl and an elevator? An elevator only fits 5 people in it.

Blond joke Why was the blond happy she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?


It said 2 to 4 years on the box.

What's hitler's favorite yu-gi-oh card? Blue eyes blond dragon.

Jigsaw puzzle! Why was the blond so happy when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?

Because on the box it said, "2-4 years".

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New Blond Jokes

A blond was listening to breathing exercises on headphones and her boyfriend came up behind her and took them off her head. She died.

What do you call a dyed blond standing on her head? ...a brunette with bad breath.

Why did the blond take a car door down to the beach? If it get too hot he could just roll the window down and let some cool air in

What do you call a blond Asian girl? Sumting Wong

What do you call a blond skeleton in a closet Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner

Blond joke What do you call a blond with half a brain?

Gifted.

Why do blond women have bruises on their belly buttons? Because blond guys are stupid too.

A blond gets a toilet brush for her birthday Her friend asks if it's any good, and the blond girl replies

"Yeah, I think it's Allright, but I prefer toilet paper"

Why did a blond decide to be a virgin for the rest of her life? Because she wants to be an example for her children.

Two blondes were standing on opposite sides of the river. The first blond yells,"Can you tell me how to get to the other side of the river?"

The other blond yells,"Hello, you are on the other side of the river."

What is blond and has 2 brain cells? Conjoined twins

A blond goes to the doctor.... And says "I can't figure out what's wrong with me. When I touch my head it hurts, when I touch my boob it hurts, and when I touch my foot it hurts."

To which the doctor replies "ma'am I think you've broken your finger"

a blond asked directions to the store this guy said, "Well that's just a hop, skip and a jump away."

"Well that's not how I'm getting there..." She said "You got directions for those who are walking?"

What’s the difference between a blond and a brick? A brick doesn’t come around bugging you for days after you lay it.

What did Captain America order at Starbucks? An iced blond americano


... I’ll show my way out

If you see a blond girl wearing a headphone Don't ever take her headphone of. I ones did and a few moments later she died. Listening to her headphone i understood why she died. I heard : breath in, breath out!

My blond friend once used “GokuBatmanHulkPikachuBakugouLucinaMulanAangBangkok” as his e-mail password. He said that his password needed 8 Characters with 1 Capital.

3 guys in camping in one tent The guy on the left dreamed a beautiful blond was giving him a handjob. The guy on the right dreamed a georgous redhead was giving him a handjob. The guy in the middle dreamt he was skiing.

I didn't laugh at her dumb joke, then the blond said to me, "Well, it's an inside joke, hold on." So she let me into her house and told the joke to me again.

Why are blond jokes so short? So men can understand them

Why did the soldier run when the blond threw a pin at him? She had a grenade in her mouth

How do you make a blond laugh on monday? Tell her a joke on tuesday

The blond reared back and clenched his fist With all his might, he punched the tree, and the force of the impact broke his hand. "Ouch! I thought you said this tree was bouncy!"

His friend face palmed. "No, I said it was a rubber tree."

I almost joined a cult but that blond chick in NXIVM never replied to my tweet :-(

Two Blond men find three grenades They talk about it and decide to take them to a police station. On the way there one asks:

What happens if one of them explodes?

The other one replied:
We’ll just tell them we found two.

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first? The brunette.

The blond had to stop and ask for directions.

Irony!!! Every blonde thinking that every other blonde except her was responsible for blond stupidity.

After the helicopter crash. After the helicopter crash, the blond pilot was asked what happened. She replied, "It was getting chilly in there, so I turned the fan off."

How can you tell a Blonde has been using your computer? There's Whiteout on the screen.

How can you tell a second blond was using it?

There's writing on the whiteout.

A blond woman walks into a police station. She tells a police officer, "I need help! A man stole my car!"

"Did you see what he looked like?", the police officer asks.

"No, but I got the license plate number!"

I asked this blond if she wanted to go out last month… she said “Can I think about it?” She’s been think about it for a month now, blonds really are dumb.

What do you call a blond with two brain cells? Pregnant!

What would you do if a blond threw a hand grenade at you? You would pull the pin and throw it back

Why did the blond stare at the orange juice? It said concentrate

Why'd the blond take a ladder to the bar? She heard the drink were on the house.

Why blond girls don't like to eat pretzels ? Because they get mad trying to untie the knots before eating them.

How do you confuse a blond Paint yourself green and throw forks at her

Why didn't the blond dial 911? She couldn't find the "11"

A blond gave her boyfriend a blow job for the first time and was pretty proud. It was a breeze for her, and a little too breezy for him.

Why did the blonde have a bruised bellybutton? Because blond men are stupid too

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Long Blond Jokes

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he broke a dude's jaw and his two arms. He is blond too. Are you sure you wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man takes a minute to think about that, turns on his barchair and says

"OK, FINE... I won't tell the joke... I don't have the time to explain that joke at least three times."

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this, Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number. and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother.'

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I am so sorry and tired. My muscles ache all over!"

Doctor: "From not eating?"

Blonde: "No from skipping"

So a blind man walks into a bar..

The blind man sits down, thinking he'd break the ice with the bartender by asking "Wanna hear a blond joke?"

In a hushed voice, a man beside him says "Before you tell that joke, you should know our bartender IS blonde, or bouncer is blond, I'm a 6'4" black belt, the man sitting on the other side of me is 6'2, 250lbs, and a rugby player. The guy sitting next to you is pushing 300, 6'6, and he's a wrestler. We're ALL blond. So you think about it mister, do you really wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man sat for a second, thinking over the odds and then replied "No, not if I have to explain it five times."

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money...

A blonde is on vacation and runs out of money. She wants to write an e-mail to her mother so that her mother can send her some. She goes to an internet café and goes up to the guy at the desk.

She says: "I'm sorry, but I'm broke and I really need to contact my mother. Is there any way I could do that for free? I don't even have enough to pay the fee here."

The guy at the front desk asks her in his creepiest voice: "Do you *really* need to contact your mother?"

"Yes" she answers. "I really need to contact my mother."

"And you would do *anything*?"

"Yes I would do anything to contact my mother."

"Really anything?"

Exasperated, the blonde answers: "Yes, yes, yes, I would do anything."

"Well, then." the guy says "Why don't you just follow me to the back room."

So she does. The guy pulls down his pants. The blonde is a bit irritated at first, but thinks that what must be must be. He pulls down his underpants.

"Well," He says "Do it!"

So the blond gets down on her knees in front of him. She licks her lips. She bends forward and whispers: "Hello, mom? Can you hear me?"

A blonde guy walks into a bar

A hefty, muscular gun toting blond guy from Austin Texas goes to a bar on his Harley Davidson. He parks the bike outside, goes in and orders a drink.

Now the regulars at this bar have a habit of picking on newcomers. So when the blond goes back his bike is missing from its spot. He walks back in.

He shouts out

Which one of ya'll fuckers stole my Harley?

Nobody answers. He caresses his gun and says

Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get another drink and if ma bike ain't back where I left it, I'm gonna do the same thing I did back in Austin. And I don't like what I did back in Austin.

True to his word, he orders a drink and goes back out, to find his Harley back where it was!

As he puts on his helmet, the bar owner asks him

If you don't mind me asking, what did you do back in Austin?

The blond replies

I had to walk back home

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

​

The hostess leaves to go get help from other attendants. Multiple women try their luck at explaining to the blond that she's in the wrong seat, but none prevail.

​

Eventually, they seek the help of the Captain.

​

"She's blonde, you say?" queried the Captain.

​

The hostess' nod.

​

"Shouldn't be an issue, my wife is blonde"

​

The Captain gets up and approaches the woman - the hostess' watching from a distance. After a few seconds the blond quickly gathers her things and heads back to her seat. The Captain returns to the hostess'. Amazed, they ask how he did it.

​

"It's simple, really" he said, "I just told her first class wasn't flying to Detroit"

​

​

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My mate told me this one when we were in 4th grade, I randomly just remembered it so I thought I'd share. It's not laugh-out-loud funny, but I think it warrants a short exhale out the nose <3

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A fifteen year old Amish boy and.....

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son...
"Go get your Mother."

An Amish boy and his Dad . . .

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .

'Go get your Mother'

A blond girl is on a plane to Dallas...

... she is sitting in first class when she has a ticket for coach. While she is reading a magazine, the flight attendant confronts her and says "Excuse me, mam, you have a coach ticket, and you are sitting in first class, could you please move to coach?"

She puts down her magazine, looks at her in the eyes, and says "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas." She continues reading her magazine.

The flight attendent calls the co-pilot to talk to her. The co-pilot confronts her and says "I'm the co-pilot of this plane, and I'm happy to hear you're excited to be going to Dallas, but could you please move to coach? You don't have a first class seat."

She puts down her magazine, looks at him in the eyes, and says "I'm blond, I'm beautiful, I'm sitting in first class and I'm going to Dallas." She continues reading her magazine.

The co-pilot, furious and not knowing what to do, goes to the Captain and asks if he can talk to her. The Captain gets up and talks to the woman. The woman grabs her bags and moves to coach. He returns to the co-pilot. The co-pilot asks "How did you get her to move? We've tried talking to her but nothing happened. What did you say?" and the captain responded saying "I told her first class isn't going to Dallas."

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A blond, a brunette and a redhead . . .

were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently.
After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour later, the brunette emerged to polite applause. But where was the blond?
They waited and waited. The sun was starting to set when the blond came out of the water, nearly dead from exhaustion. The few newsmen that remained rushed to her and asked if she had anything to say.
"Yes!" she gasped. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think that brunette and redhead were using their arms!"

A scientist is trying to prove that all blonds are stupid

so he holds an all blond convention and randomly picks someone from the crowd. First he asks her what two plus two is. She answers seven, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what ten minus four is. She answers thirteen, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!". So this time he asks her what is five times five is. She answers twenty-five, and the crowd yells, "Give her another chance!".

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

Amish boy and his father were in a mall...

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son . . .
'Go get your Mother'

Blond and bodybuilder

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and the blonde says: "" What a big chest you have! " He says: "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" He takes off his pants. And the blonde says, "" What massive muscles do you have! " The bodybuilder says, "" That's 90 kg of dynamite, girl. "" ... Then he removes his underwear, and the blonde runs out of the apartment screaming. The bodybuilder quickly puts on his clothes and runs after her. He catches up with her and asks why she suddenly ran away from the apartment screaming. The blonde replies: "" I was scared to be so close to all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was. "

Two blond guys were working for the city works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.

So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

A Blond goes to work in tears.

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blond was three under par, and had a very nasty
12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.' The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

All blonde women gets together and try to prove that they are smart

So all the blonde women get together and decide that they have to prove that they are smart. They call all the blond women in their town for a convention. They also called news papers and a math professor from a local University. The professor have picked out one blonde and ask her a question in order to prove their smartness. He calls one blonde up to the front and begins.

Professor: What is 150*4?

Blonde: 823

Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another Chance.

Professor: Fine. I will make it easier this time. What is 10*10?

Blonde: 28

Blonde Crowd: Give her another chance. Give her another chance.

Professor is frustrated and says: OK. One last time. This is the last try. What is 5+5?

Blonde: 10

Blonde Crowd: Give her another Chance. Give her another chance.

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