Crude Jokes

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Funniest Crude Jokes

Is it crude to make oil jokes now? Nah, it's oilright.

Funny Crude Jokes

What's crude and beneath most Canadians? America

I was going to make a joke about an oil refinery... but I didn't want to make a crude joke.

What's it called when an oil rig makes an inappropriate joke? Crude humor.

What do you do with crude oil? Teach it manners!

Need a joke to tell my Public Speaking class this Monday.. Can be as crude as you want, but no racist or sexist jokes.

Racist Jokes Can we please start a thread of just racist jokes? Honestly the jokes here are really lacking we can combat that with crude racism.

What do you say when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired? Crude Awakening!

Our southern neighbors are crude barbarians who rape and murder and destroy and we need a wall to keep them out. Thank God we live in Canada.

Hey you! If you're responsible for these crude drawings of me naked with the mayor's wife... I'll have you know that I am sick and tired of these sketchy rumours.

What do you call when an oil company CEO wakes up to a tweet saying that he's fired? Crude Awakening!

I hate I when people are crude just for the sake of being crude. I killed my family because they were like that.

Insult me with your BEST, most offensive , crude insults you can think of! Let's see who can make me cry, and rethink continuing living!

A barrel of oil swore at me. So I told it to stop being crude

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Long Crude Jokes

Prehistoric math joke

In a certain tribe, in which polygamy was practiced, a married man’s standing in the tribe depended upon the combined weight of his wives-the greater the combined weight, the more important was the man. Every year, on weighing day and according to custom, the married men would stand their wives on neatly spread animal skins, and the chief of the tribe would come around with a crude seesaw and balance the wives of one man against those of another in order to determine the relative importance of the men. Now Gog had only one wife, who was very heavy, while Gug had two much slenderer wives, and all year the two men argued as to who was the more important, When weighing day arrived, Gog placed his wife on a large hippopotamus skin, and Gug placed his wives on two small gazelle skins

When the weighing was performed, it was found that Gog’s wife exactly balanced against the two wives of Gug. Thus it turned out that the two men were equally important, since, by the chief’s ruling, “the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.”

[OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on the old man’s head had been cut . The granddaughter would often come to visit to see how her grandfather and the dog were doing, and she was always glad to see that her grandfather was still happy. But at night, the old man would still sit in front of the fireplace with Life on his lap, gazing into the fireplace as flames cast dancing shadows across the room and he fell asleep to thoughts of his old smithing days.

One morning as the old man was getting the morning newspaper from the front porch, Life sprinted past him through the front door because he had spotted a squirrel across the street. Before the little dog could catch up with his prey, a speeding car struck the poor animal. The car came to a screeching halt and the old man hobbled as quickly as his old legs could carry them to his precious companion who lay whimpering on the side of the road. The little dog was alive but badly injured. The man who was driving the car got out to apologize to the old man, but his regrets went unnoticed by the weeping old man who only wanted to tend to his injured dog. Life’s two hind legs appeared limp and broken and the dog panted and whimpered as the old man carried him back into the house. The old man knew that his dog’s injuries required medical attention but because he was out of work, he wasn’t able to afford a veterinarian. Determined, the old man did the only thing he knew how to do. He found some of his old blacksmithing tools and scrap metal from his garage and proceeded to start a fire in his fireplace. His hands lacked the strength and precision they once had but eventually, he was able to forge a crude set of brackets that would hold the dog’s legs in place as his injuries healed. The old man tended to dog’s every need until eventually, Life was able to stand up on his own and soon enough, the dog could walk, and after a few more weeks, he could even manage a awkward, limping run. Unfortunately, the old blacksmith’s craftsmanship was lacking due to his own previous injuries and the braces that he had forged would often break when the dog ran too quickly, so the old man found himself back at the fireplace with his tools forging replacement parts for his little dog’s leg braces. It was tiresome, difficult work with his old frail hands, but he was determined to give his dog the best life that he could, so he kept at it.

One day, as the old man was forging a new set of parts for his dog’s leg braces, an ember jumped from the fireplace, catching the carpet on fire. The old man couldn’t get to the kitchen quickly enough to get a pail of water to put the fire out and tragically, the old blacksmith and his dog both perished as the house was engulfed in flames.

The next day, the granddaughter and her father came to where the old blacksmith’s house once stood and they began to search through the ashes and rubble for anything they could salvage as a keepsake of their lost loved one. “You know,” said the girl to her father, “I’m really happy that grandpa’s last years were as joyful as they were. Even though he was really sad that he couldn’t make a living as a blacksmith anymore, he really did seem happy after I brought him that puppy.” “Yes dear,” said the father. The daughter continued, “But isn’t it sad how his house was burnt down when he was making one of those leg braces for his dog?” The father looked down and picked up a small piece of metal from the ashes and said “That’s one of Life’s little iron knees.”

New supermodel in the apartment complex.

So a man who has lived in this particular apartment complex for a few years goes to get his mail and he notices an absolutely breathtaking woman getting her mail. He realizes she must have recently moved in because he has never seen her before. He makes small talk with her and they start flirting, and they are both immediately sexually attracted to each other. She begins to tell him all the things she wants to do to him, and they feel the need to leave the mail room, so she says "I hear somebody coming. Let's go to my room, and hang out." Well they go to her apartment, and she says that she needs to slip into something a little more comfortable. A few minutes go by, anticipation keeps building up. Well she comes out in some lingerie and he is speechless. She asks him "What part of my body impresses you the most?" And he starts stuttering and finally says "Well there is a lot about you that impresses me, but the part of your body that impresses me the most is your ears." She has no clue how to react. She says "Are you kidding me? I have been on the cover of Vogue magazine, and my body is insured for millions of dollars. Why in gods name would my ears impress you the most?" and he says "Well back in the mail room, you said you heard somebody cumming, and that was me."

Note: My calculus professor would tell a pretty crude joke everyday when I took his class last quarter and this was one of the jokes. Gave me a good laugh.

A man walks into a pet store

He walks up to the shopkeeper and asks him for a suggestion for his daughters birthday.

"Sir come with me! I have some very friendly monkeys that your daughter would adore!"

The shopkeeper then takes him over to a cage full of monkeys. The father notices the price tag, $1000. He starts to ponder it a bit when he notices a cage beside it with one monkey in it, but a price tag of $5000

"Why is that monkey more expensive?"
"Oh sir, let me show you"

The shopkeeper opens the cage door, then gives the monkey some coloured pencils and a piece of paper. The monkey looks at the father, then in a flurry starts colouring the paper. After a few minutes it hands the father the piece of paper. On it is a crude but distinguishable portrait of the father.

"Remarkable!" He stands in amazement, but as he goes to put the paper down, he notices beside it another monkey in a cage with the price tag, $20000. "... if this one draws pictures, what does that monkey do?"

The shopkeeper opens the cage, and fetches a keyboard from out the back. The monkey then jumps up and starts playing Beethoven with perfect timing. The shopkeeper asks it to play Bach, Mozart and Chopin, and each time it does perfectly. The shopkeeper says he can play over a thousand songs from memory. The father stands in disbelief.

But then he notices another monkey in a cage, this time the price tag is $100000.

"Whoa!! What on earth does that monkey do for a hundred grand!"

The shopkeeper pauses. Sighs, then says
"Well, sir... I've never actually seen him do anything, but he tells me he's a politician"

A woman walks into a pet store.

After her two daughters moved out some months ago, she thought of having a pet around the house.

As she looks around the store, she finds a parrot sitting on a perch. Attached to the perch is a sign that says: "Special offer! Talking parrot, only 10$".

Wondering about the low price she asks the cashier about it.

The cashier replies: "The parrot once lived in a brothel until police busted it. It was some kind of entertainment at the bar as it knows some crude language."

After short thinking the woman says: "I take the parrot. I'm sure I can break it of this behavior."

The woman arrives at home and puts the parrot in the living room. The parrot takes a look around, beats it's wings and squawks: "Woohoo, nice! Finally a new whorehouse and a new madam!"

The woman is slightly irritated at first but then laughs it off.

Shortly after, the two daughters come for a visit. Before the woman can tell the daughters about the parrot, it spots them and squawks: "Nice, new whorehouse, new madam and new hookers! C'mon girls, let the fun begin!"

The daughters are also irritated, but let it go as the woman explains the background. The parrot continues with some crude remarks every so often until the woman's husband comes home. The parrot looks at him top-down and squawks: "Hi, John, long time no see!"

An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem...

An archaeologist was digging in the desert outside Jerusalem, when he found a crude sarcophagus. On opening it, he discovered a mummy completely intact. On further investigation, he determined that he must have this mummy inspected by professionals, so he called a museum in Jerusalem and told the curator that he had just discovered a mummy that was about 3500 years old who surely died of a heart attack.
The curator was skeptical, but the remains were transferred to the museum and thoroughly inspected.
The archaeologist received a phone call from the curator and the curator wanted to thank him for the incredible mummy and really wanted to know how he accurately dated the remains and determined the cause of death so accurately without x-rays or any of the highly technical tools the museum has.
The archaeologist simply replied:
"Well, I noticed he had a piece of parchment in his hand. Being able to read the older languages, I saw that it said '10,000 shekels on Goliath'"

Crude Oil massage

Barber : shoul I massage ur head ?

Me : ok, which oil will u use ?

Barber : Almond Oil is for 250₹

Me : herbal oil ?

Barber: 150₹

Me: Coconut Oil

Barber : 100₹

Me : anything cheaper than this ?

Barber *to his helper* : chhotu, get that barrel of crude oil

Crude Dental Work (In Australian)

Man on island, has bad tooth. Needs tooth removed. Friend with an axe is like, I know what to do mate. Uses axe to try to remove tooth but unintentionally knocks out all his teeth. First guy is like, Ouch-aroo mate, that is a 10/10 on the pain scale. Axe guy says, 'Hey man, it was Axe-y Dental'

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house. However, there was one toy that he had never played with before...

The toy's name was Marley. He was a doll that reached up to about 90 cm in height and resembled a human. When he was sent to the garbage bin, he was full of sorrow, as he had not been played with since his creation. He cried to God, "What a cruel world this must be! Was I born just to lay in a heap and rot!".

Surprisingly, God replied to him, "This was not meant to be. However, I am willing to give you a second chance, by giving you a life to fulfil.". God animated Marley to make him a 164 cm human who was 16 years old. Marley cried out in joy, "Thank you God! I will not waste this chance!"

Marley was an intellectual, as he had spent most of his life just observing the surroundings. He did not require food, water or sleep, so he put his full attention towards studying. It was truly not surprising that he always stood first in his class.

He ranked first on the admission exam and with a great portfolio, he entered Stanford for his graduation. He became a financial genius and was envied by all the students around him.
However, all was not well for Marley...

As time went on, Marley had tired out his body, to the point where, one day, his legs refused to work. He was plagued with sorrow as he was the cause for the wear and tear on his body. He was also filled with sadness because he could not fulfil his potential. He could not drive because he could not pass the breathalyser test (because he never breathed) and now, was all on his own. He couldn't even get a wheelchair because nobody would push it around for him. Such was the depth of his loneliness.

But one day...

There was a knock on his door. He was surprised because nobody ever visited him. He was shocked as he couldn't believe his eyes.
I mean, you wouldn't believe it if, out of the blue, Simon Cowell entered your room and invited you to be a judge for "Britain's Got Talent"

But this was not Simon Cowell.

It was Gates. Bill Gates.

Bill Gates said, "Marley, I've heard all about your condition. But we cannot let such potential go to waste. Therefore, I am hiring you to join my company, Microsoft."

Marley pinched himself out of disbelief. This couldn't be real, could it?. "What position are too hiring me as, sir?"

"The Treasurer of Microsoft. That should give you enough money to spend time on actual pressing matters, I think."

Shock. Amazement. Disbelief. All of these emotions ran through Marley's mind. But the worst thought on his mind was the thought of Betrayal.

He was filled with a crude sense of disbelief mixed with anger. He could not control the rage flowing within him. He simply could not.

Marley shouted, looking at the heavens, "GOD! DID YOU CREATE MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE JUST FOR... JUST FOR..." , as he broke down in tears, partly of anger and partly because he had been betrayed.

A smile was visible on God's face as he said, "The human proverbs always seem to come true!"

"One man's trash is now another man's treasurer."

I thought I could use a massage in these stressful times...

So I found a spa that was open last night.

Receptionist: “Good evening and welcome sir! Would you like to try our Aromatherapy massage with lavender and chamomile?”

Me: “How much does it cost?”

Receptionist: “That would be $150”

Me: “Thats very expensive for me. Do you have something cheaper?”

Receptionist: “We do have a regular coconut oil massage for our budget conscious customers. That would be just $50”

Me: “Uhh... Do you have something even more cheaper?”

The receptionist thought for a while and said
“We’ll pay you $37 to get massaged with a barrel of crude oil”

One I found this one here a while ago:

In a far a way land, there was a monastery where an angellic sounding choir would perform on a yearly basis.

One day, a young man was recruited by this choir. His beautuful tenor voice made all who herd it stop in amazement.

One thing you should know about this land is that music has magical properties. A well performed song can do magical things. As such, the study of music and what it can magically do is wide spread.

Well, this monastery was well known for both the beauty of the music its members performed, but also for its strive to learn all music could do magically speaking.

As such, this young man, with the beautiful tenor voice, was trained from day one of his joining the monastery. Each day his skill in singing grew.

And each day his knowledge of magic grew as well....

The first time the choir performed after he joined, this young man, his name was Sam by the way, had an imporant part to play.

You see Sam had a solo, in fact a single note he had to sing.

When it was time for him to sing, he stepped forward. As Sam sung his single note, everyone stopped to listen to this beautiful note this young man sung. And smiled a little, admiring the grace of this sound.

This happened year after year. Sam would sing, and something magical would happen. Up until the 6th time he had sung his now famous notes.

To top it all of, each note that was sung by Sam became more beautiful than the last. Each year people would gather to listen to this boy sing. His 6th year (and 6th magical note) were no different.

His 6th preformance was so beautiful in every way, people where crying for joy months after the preformance. It semed as if Heaven itself would be commonplace and to plane in comparison.

Than came the 7th year. When it came time for Sam to sing, he stepped forward, sung his note.

This note, was unusually. It was so vile in sound, pitch and tone that every one flinched. Women wept, babes screamed, children cried in fear. It was so crude Sam suddenly burst into flames, and died.

Confused as to what happened, a member of the choir askes a friend: "What happened?"

A little confused herself, the friend turned and said "Sam sung Note 7...."

Little Johnny is at it Again

The 4th grade teacher asked the children to use "detail" in a sentence.

Almost everyone was dumbfounded, not knowing what the word "detail" meant... except, of course, Little Johnny, whose hand was raised high.

She didn't like to call on Johnny because he twisted just about everything into crude language, but there were no other hands in the air.

"Little Johnny, can you use 'detail' in a sentence?"

"Down in de red light district dey doesn't give de tail away. It's gonna cost you at least fifty bucks."

A scientist finally found a way to clone humans by first cloning himself.

Physically the clone was a perfect match, however it had mental problems. All day long it would curse and shout vulgarities and insults ad nauseum. At first it was interesting but as time went on the behavior worsened. Day in and day out he would spew an endless stream of obscenity that could make a sailor blush, becoming more and more crude as he went.

One day after a fifteen hour tirade about his mother the scientist snapped. In a fit of rage he pushed his clone out of a window.

He was arrested the next morning for making an obscene clone fall.

The dirtiest story ever told….

An erupting volcano rains gray ash upon a man covered in dark crude oil labouring in an oil field. He wipes black sludge from his eyes and glances up to see lava rolling down the mountainside toward him. Screaming profanities, the man falls to his knees in the mud and craps his pants.

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