Cute Jokes

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Funniest Cute Jokes

I went up to this really cute homeless girl and asked if I could take her home She looked ecstatic until I picked up her box and started walking away

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.... Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.

Funny Cute Jokes

Met a cute guy at the bar, gave him my number and told him to text me when he got home I guess he's homeless.

I saw this cute homeless girl on the street.. ..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said "sure", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

Got checked out by cute girl The total was $3.92

I told my friends I'm going on a date with a cute girl. They told me she's imaginary, but joke's on them, so are they.

A cute girl winked at me She must be extra interested because she winked with both eyes.

Cute names to call your girlfriend with 1.sugar

2.honey

3.flour

4.egg

5.1/2 lb butter

6.stir

7.pour into pan

8.preheat to 375°

I've been texting this cute dyslexic girl. I think she likes me, but she keeps sending mixed messages.

I call my wife Bambi and she thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... Actually, it's because I shot her mother with a hunting rifle...

What's the difference between a punchline and a cute girl? Sometimes I get the punchline :(

I was sat on the train opposite a cute Thai girl today and all i could think was "please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection"..... ... But she did.

My cute younger brother's contribution. Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

Best Way To Impress a Girl.. Boy To Gym Coach: "I Wanna Impress Cute Girl, I'm Gonna Meet In 3 Days Which Machine Should I Use?" Coach: "Use The ATM Machine Outside The Gym"

What do you call a cute girl in Albania? A tourist.

I had a little car accident On the way home from work, I had a little car accident, I braked hard, but still hit the car in front of me. A cute blond got out and shouted "Ram me up the arse why don't you"?.

This, your Honour, is where the confusion began.....

I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!

Winter is like the Justin Bieber of seasons... It was kind of cute and exciting when it first started out, now its a bit obnoxious and should probably just stay in Canada.

I call my wife Bambi She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

I think my doctor likes me. She said I had a cute bronchitis.

Whenever I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don’t think that’s cute I’m just glad I’m not the only one who brings a knife on a date

Told my friends I had a date with this cute girl and they made fun of me saying she was made up, but jokes on them. They’re made up too

So Darwin comes across a sad penguin in an airport.... He goes up to the penguin and asks, "Why so angry, you cute little fella?"

The penguin looks up to him and says "flight's delayed."

So i asked a cute homeless girl could i take her home. But i dont know why she was so confused when i walked off with her cardboard box.

So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store... We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

Cute things to call your girlfriend: 1. Sugar
2. Honey
3. Flour
4. Egg
5. 1/2lb butter
6. Stir
7. Pour into pan
8. Preheat to 375°

You remind me of my little toe Why because I'm so cute and tiny?

No, I will probably get drunk later and bang you the coffee table.

Testing makeup on animals is WRONG... They are cute enough already.

Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name? Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs

Me: Still in training?

Cop: What?

Me: What?

I used to work hard but that really cute girl quit last week.

Where do they send cute animals to get euthanized? Awwschwitz

I'll see myself out

I've been with a girl for a while She's this really cute anorexic girl, but lately I've started seeing less and less of her.

This cute vegetarian said she knew me But I never met herbivore

I may not have much else going for me, but at least I know I've got a cute butt. Whenever I finish talking to a woman and I start to walk away they always say, "Finally! Thank you!"

You're welcome, ladies.

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... In reality it's because I banged her mom.

Maybe not a joke as much as a cute misunderstanding but... I cracked open a rape kit last weekend. I had never seen one before.

Anyway, I obviously have been operating under a huge misconception. I laughed so hard, she got away.

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New Cute Jokes

I was caught staring at a cute girl's butt harassment a lot to me.

How do you steal the heart of a cute girl? Answer: From the operation theatre!

Cute pickup line below I think I just gave you coronavirus because I can’t stop staring achoo

Mommy, buy this puppy, please, buy it! "No"
"Look at how cute the puppy is!"

"No Isaac, I will not buy any puppy"

"Please mother, buy the puppy, pleaaaase..."

"I said no! Isaac, sell the puppy to someone else!"

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy. Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

Being bi isn't that hard to understand. Girls are cute and guys are cute. What more do you want from me? *Stranger cocking gun* Your wallet

A girl at school told me today that I look cute I told her thought I did to

So I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken when I bumped into a cute girl dressed as an egg, that night i found out the answer to the age old question Which came first

Damn girl, are you the element symbols of copper and tellurium? cause you CuTe

What do you call a cute plant? An Aww-totroph.

I was just remembering all the cute nicknames my girlfriend gives me. "Intruder!" "I'll call the police!" "Who are you??"
"Where are you taking me?"

Yeah... I love her.

Met a cute white supremacist on Tinder... She was a real snackkk

Colin was on a long drive from Portugal to Spain with this cute girl he liked. When Colin made a move and kept his arm on her shoulder. The girl winked and said you can go further. Colin drove to France.

"Your kitten killed our Rottweiler." "I'm sorry?"

"I said your kitten killed our Rottweiler!"

"My cute little kitten? I can't believe it. How?"

"He choked on it."

Cute girls are great but those who speak about climate are Greta

Met a cute Muslim girl, thought she was the bomb... Now she's blowing up my phone.

What do you call a cute cow? Kawaii

I always liked cute nicknames... My parents called me "disgrace"

It's so cute when those little fingers can only grab your finger. It was nice meeting Peter Dinklage.

My girlfriend asked me "if I was a vegetable, what would I be"? Apparently the answer she was looking for was "a Cute cumber", not "single"...whoops

How do you stop a cute animal? You just press paws

Preaching the truth. Guy talking to stranger: Bisexuality isn't hard to understand. Guys are cute girls are cute. What more do you want from me.

*stranger cocking gun* : Your wallet.

You know what sucks about having a twin sister as a guy? All my friends tell me how hot she is and how they want to sleep with her and I’m just like, I’m cute too

I wanted to get my meat beaten from a cute cop So i painted my it black

What did the cute duck say when asked what its favorite drug was? Quack.

She: so what do you do for a living? Me, trying to impress her: i work with animals.
She: aaww thats cute i knew you had a good heart.

Turns out being a butcher is helpful for picking up girls.

What's the most adorable thing about Chernobyl? A cute radiation poisoning

My cute female friend said we should streak on Snapchat. She did not mean what I thought she meant.

Are you a stoner Cuz I think weed be cute tother ;)

Just before we paid the check at a restaurant, a cute waitress saw some leftovers and asked my dad “you wanna box?” “Nah, I would rather wrestle”

I need help: every time I approach a cute girl on the street, I uncontrollably start to cry. Does anyone know how to cope with pepper spray?

Sansa: Hey, so I really like this cute top I saw on Amazon and want it to be delivered through Prime ASAP. What shipping speed shall I select? Arya: Not two day.

You will never date the cute bank teller you see every week. She's seen your account balance.

What cute celebrity couple name would the pairing of Jacques Cousteau and Natalie Portman get? Portmanteaus

Are you a goldfish? Because you’re the snack that smiles back A cute pickup line for you an me, a sick joke Hannibal lecter would say.

What do you call a cute irishman A sweet potato

I used my friends phone to call my girlfriend when she picked up she said "hey babe," it was so cute how she recognized me without even talking

When parents post pictures of their kids in the bath it's normal and cute But when I save those pictures suddenly I'm a weirdo.

Here’s a joke I asked a cute Jewish girl for her number. Her response: “we have names now”

I told my girlfriend to stop taking annoyingly diagonal selfies, She told me that they're a cute angle and to stop being obtuse.

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Long Cute Jokes

I call my wife Bambi

She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes. But it's really because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle.

**Edit:** Some people have accused me of "being a plagiarist" and "stealing other's jokes"... Their words, not mine...

*Pause for comedic value*

But seriously, this **is** a version of an Ashlee Barnhill joke. Sorry for the bamboozle fellow redditors.

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.

"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".

The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"

To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.

A little girl walks into a pet shop

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

Farting all the time

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says,

"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing"

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

A cute little girls story

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe two and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’ My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says;
‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

A so cute woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door...

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Trouble asking a girl out

So there's this kid, let's call him Jerry. He's been eyeing this girl at school for months now, and there's a big dance coming up. He knows she doesn't have a date, and he would give anything to go with her- but there's a problem. Whenever he gets close to her, he gets an erection that would rival that of Charlie Sheen in an unsupervised pharmacy. He thinks he has a solution: just call her! He calls her, and stutters a bit on the phone, but she finds his stammering cute and accepts his proposal. "Pick me up at seven," she says. "Oh joyous day!" says Jerry. His joy is short-lived, however, because he realizes that he has only delayed the inevitable. How can he conceal his boner? He tries a number of solutions, including willpower, distractions, baggy pants-- nothing works. Finally, he decides to just tie it to his leg. Feeling confident, he heads off to her house. He's all dressed up, he brought her flowers, his car is cleaned, everything is in order. He walks up to the door and rings the bell. She opens the door. He kicks her in the face.

A blonde got fed up with all the Blonde jokes......

So she cut her hair short and dyed it black. Bought a snazzy convertible and went driving through the countryside.
On a back country road, she drove up to a large flock of sheep that were slowly crossing the road. As she sat there watching the flock she saw the farmer standing there.
She said “Hey I’ll bet you, if I can guess how many sheep you have in this flock, how about you give me one?
“Ok” he said, “give it a try.”
She stood in the seat and surveyed the flock and said “You have 347 sheep!”
The farmer was amazed as he had exactly 347 sheep. He told her to pick her one out, and picked a really cute one. As she was putting it into her car.
The farmer said “Wait a minute, how about if I can guess what color your hair really is you give me my dog back?”

Girls night out

A group of 15 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jimmy Johnson, that cute boy in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see him and they can ride their bikes there.

10 years later, the group of 25 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where theyshould meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and if they go late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was reasonable, the wine list was good, they had windows that open in case of a hot flash, and fish is good for your cholesterol.

10 years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

10 years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because food was not too spicy, the restaurant was handicapped accessible and they even had an elevator!

10 years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

Sensitive men do exist

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they're lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and she asks,
smiling,

"Well, how was it for you?"

The guy says:

"Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, sturdier. Turns out, Thumb worked quite well with the individual Fingers, and everyone found that they could perform better and do more with Thumb's help.

Thumb became so useful to the Fingers that soon they found they could not live without his help. Thumb began to make demands of the Fingers; first it was just more pay, but then he wanted more and more. A diamond-studded glove, a luxury car, the list of demands became longer and longer. But what could the Fingers do? They resented Thumb's demands, but needed his help far too much to risk alienating him.

Eventually, Thumb was elected King. And if you think regular Thumb was demanding, King Thumb was worse. Soon, all the Fingers began to resent King Thumb, for his rulings were tyrannical, and he never, ever trimmed his nail. The Fingers began to despair, for they feared they would never be able to stand up to King Thumb.

Until one day, when Pinky realized that the Fingers could indeed stand up to the tyranny of King Thumb. Until then, everyone thought that it was impossible to stand up to Thumb, but Pinky remembered that all Thumbs are, in fact, opposable.

Three women share a birthday and celebrate it together

For their 40th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the waiters are cute and wear tight pants.

For their 50th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because the prices are reasonable and it has a good wine list.

For their 60th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because its quiet and has a nice view.

For their 70th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because its wheelchair accessible.

For their 80th birthday they go to the Lakeview restaurant because they've never been there before.

A cute one I heard from a friend at work.

Three animals walk into a bar; A duck,a skunk and a deer. They go up to the bar and order 3 drinks. "5 dollars" Says the bartender. The deer looks at the duck and says "I don't have a buck to my name!" the skunk cries "I have no money, not even a scent!" but the duck says to the bartender "It's alright, just put it on my bill".

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.
-
The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”
-
“Are you sure?” asks the fairy.
-
“Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation.
-
Poof once more – and he’s 90.

"Hey Billy... where'd you get that new red pickup truck?"

**Billy**: "Well Jimmy, it's a bit of story. You remember cute little Jenny from down the lane?"

**Jimmy**: "I sure do! She's quite a cutie! What about her?"

**Billy**: "Well, ya see... she asked me to last night's dance. So we went, and we had a good ole' time dancin' and drinkin' and afterwards we took a drive up to Lookout Point!"

**Jimmy**: "You went to Lookout Point with Jenny! I know what goes on there..."

**Billy**: "Well, we sat there on the tailgate for a while talkin' and lookin' at the stars, and then Jenny finally got up, and tore her clothes off and said, 'Billy, you can have anything you want!' So I took the truck."

**Jimmy**: "That's good thinkin' there. Those clothes probably wouldn't have fit ya."

There once was a man who loved tractors,

There once was a man who loved tractors, I mean he absolutely adored them. He had tractor models, tractor wallpaper, remote control miniature tractors, tractor board games, even some tractor anime(which is not easy to find mind you). The only thing that even came close to his love for tractors, was the love he felt for his wife. His life long soulmate, who didn't mind his obsession with tractors at all. She didn't even mind the Cosplay at Halloween, where they would both dress as tractors and spend the night driving along the pavement. Sadly his wife was struck one day, a tractor fell off the back of a transport truck. She didn't die until he was at her side in the hospital. Her dying words "don't blame the tractor honey" and with that she headed to the big tractor scrapyard in the sky. Unfortunately, he did blame the tractor, he hated them now with all his mind, body, and soul. He went home and destroyed ALL his tractor related items, the toys, his wifes tractor suit, and even his collection of tractor anime. He put it all in a pile and drove over it in his own miniature tractor. What ever didn't burn, including the miniature tractor, was thrown into a woodchipper. He then went inside, rarely leaving his home, for 10 years. Finally on the 10th anniversary of his wife’s death he decided it was time to get back out in the dating world, plus the cute cashier at the grocery store had been asking him out for a while now, he called her out to dinner. The restaurant he choose ended up being quite nice, good food, good service, great decor. But there was one problem, it was EXTREMELY smoky. So smoky that his date, being an asthmatic, was having some trouble breathing. After noticing her displeasure, and trouble breathing, he started breathing in. I mean REALLY breathing in. Inhaling with such force that all the smoke quickly left the dining room, and went into his lungs. When the room was void of smoke he stepped outside and released it all into the night. When he rejoined his date she asked "how on earth did you do that?" to which he replied, "I'm an extractor fan."

[Religion]A man sees a boy with a box of kittens

The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now.

Edit: not my joke, but a funny one.

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

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