If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye... But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind
I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he is really good at drawing pictures of my disappointed father. Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.
A scientist runs into an AA meeting...
...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."
Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"
"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip."
Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.
Dispatcher: Go ahead.
Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.
My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath. So I took up smoking.
joke - Daily dose of laughter.
Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral? In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.
someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end
what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?
Daily Covid-19 check
At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.
If you can smell, you are not infected.
Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.
Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.
\~ Dr Johnny Walker
Why did the person name their puppy "Comma"?
Because of its small paws.
^(courtesy of my daily dog calendar)
I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood. It's the only way I know how to exorcise.
My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.
A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.
How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader..? Tell him that Asylum Seekers are the natural predators of Paedophiles.
So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.
Man gets excited at his doctors appointment...
The doctor askes why he's excited
The man says he just got diagnosed with daily sex
The doctor said no... It says dyslexia
What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did? Remove Polish using chemicals.
Prayer before meals
Kid: Give us this day our daily bread.... With ham, egg, cheeze, french fries, salad on the side...
God: hey, kid. Are you praying or taking an order?
Chase releases new feature option to have your balance text to you daily I just wish they didn't add "lol" at the end of it.
Did you see that documentary about the daily lives of structural engineers? I hear it's just riveting.
Alcohol and Ramen Alcohol and ramen are surprisingly similar. Both are widely available at college, both are consumed daily there, and both will slowly kill you from the inside.
I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. It’s called ‘The Daily Mail’
Daily Dose o’ jokes I found my friend in a cereal box. He’s a fruit loop, if you get what 8 mean.
So went to a strip club that only had strippers who were vegan It was disappointing The strippers didn’t even dance they just licked the pole to get their daily dose of iron.
I used to sponsor some kid in Africa At least until I realized I could get a daily cup of coffee for the same price
I once dated a daily newspaper executive, though I should have known it wouldn't work out Too many issues
18 days ago, I started posting daily footage of cattle during the lockdown... ... here's today's post, COW VID 19
A study found out that the amount of Americans who pray daily is almost the double of that of the Europeans. Must be because they do a “Thoughts and Prayers” after each mass shooting
donald trump's pick up line
Excuse me miss, is your drink a wall? Because someone else is about to pay for it.
(cr. Daily Show)
I’ve recently been considering decreasing my daily intake of bullets. They just seem to pass right through me.
This new daily fiber regimen has really helped with my regularity issues. Now, every day at 5am I take a big ol' stinky poo. I just wish I could get out of bed before 6am.
The difference between a pharmacist and a priest... Is how they give a child a daily dose of D.
daily commute I'm not sure if people don't sit next to me on the train because I'm black, or because I look Muslim. It's a win for me either way.
Did you hear what toothpaste brands are trying to cover up? Well, it's quite the scandal. Various tabloids such as the New York Post and Daily Mail are coining it as Colgate.
Man walks in with broken tooth.
Man: Doc!? I was eating my daily apple when suddenly...
Doctor: We're done here.
I had a specific order in my day today.
1. I woke up
2. I won the lottery
3. My wife fed me good food after she went for her daily 4 mile run
4. I retired early and got paid millions of dollars everyday
Wait, it was actually 2, 3, 4, 1...
I like my coffee how I like my life Once thrilling, but now a mundane daily ritual that has me questioning what I ever found enjoyable about it to begin with.
I was chatting to this nun
So I was chatting to this nun right, asking her about her daily life. So I asked her, "do you wake up, have a cup of coffee and then go to church?"
She replied, "don't be silly, a nun's habits aren't as black and white as that"
Joke - Daily dose of fun..
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."