Daily Jokes

Contents

Funniest Daily Jokes

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

Girls use chemicals to remove polish on a daily and no one bats an eye... But when Hitler does it everyone loses their mind

I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but he is really good at drawing pictures of my disappointed father. Credit to one of the writers of the Daily Show when I saw him do stand up, but I don't remember the name.

How did Eddard Stark get his daily recommended amount of fiber? Raisin' Bran.

A scientist runs into an AA meeting... ...and exclaims "we did it! We found a medical cure for alcoholism! All you have to do is take this one pill daily and you are cured."

Slowly a hand raises in the back and a man says "what happens if you take two?"

"Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip." Me: Hello, Police? I'd like to report an anonymous tip.

Dispatcher: Go ahead.

Me: Flossing daily reduces your risk of tooth decay.

My Doctor told me I was overweight and I should do something daily that gets me slightly out of breath. So I took up smoking.

Funny Daily Jokes

joke - Daily dose of laughter. Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I threw a boomerang a few years ago Since then I live in daily fear.

What’s the difference between my daily life and a funeral? In the morning I’m awake, but in a wake I’m mourning.

On a daily basis, what usually goes through an American student's mind? Bullets.

People living with HIV, what is your daily life like? I’m guessing pretty positive

I quit my job as a coffee shop manager The daily grind was just too much

someone tried to tell stan lee this joke during his panel at comic con this week end what do you call spiderman when he quits the daily bugal and starts working as a valet?

peter PARKER.

Daily Covid-19 check At 7 p.m. open the whiskey bottle and smell it.

If you can smell, you are not infected.

Then pour it in in a glass tumbler.

Taste it. if you can feel the taste, you are not infected.

\~ Dr Johnny Walker

Why did the person name their puppy "Comma"? Because of its small paws.

^(courtesy of my daily dog calendar)

A daily exercise routine.. ..is like a drug. I avoid drugs.

I stretch daily to squeeze the demons out of my blood. It's the only way I know how to exorcise.

What is a superstitious monsters favorite daily read? Its horrorscope

My stoner friend used my daily agenda notebook to roll up a joint. He is now high on my list of priorities.

A man won $100 million dollars in the lottery. Realizing he could buy whatever he wanted, he switched to gold toilet paper and secured a generous supply of daily burrittos In a single year, his entire winnings were wiped out.

If you have a DeLorean Would you drive it daily , or time to time?

If you want a job in the moisturizer industry The best advice I can give is to apply daily

If Christians have the Daily Bread, what do Buddhists have? The Daily Lama

How do you confuse a Daily Mail reader..? Tell him that Asylum Seekers are the natural predators of Paedophiles.

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

Man gets excited at his doctors appointment... The doctor askes why he's excited

The man says he just got diagnosed with daily sex

The doctor said no... It says dyslexia

What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did? Remove Polish using chemicals.

Prayer before meals Kid: Give us this day our daily bread.... With ham, egg, cheeze, french fries, salad on the side...

God: hey, kid. Are you praying or taking an order?

What newspaper do cattle read? The Daily Moos.

I have week arms... It's a daily struggle.

Chase releases new feature option to have your balance text to you daily I just wish they didn't add "lol" at the end of it.

Did you see that documentary about the daily lives of structural engineers? I hear it's just riveting.

I am a waiter. I wait for bus at bus stand daily while going to college

Alcohol and Ramen Alcohol and ramen are surprisingly similar. Both are widely available at college, both are consumed daily there, and both will slowly kill you from the inside.

I have downloaded this new app. Its great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat and if you’ve put on weight. It’s called ‘The Daily Mail’

Daily Dose o’ jokes I found my friend in a cereal box. He’s a fruit loop, if you get what 8 mean.

So went to a strip club that only had strippers who were vegan It was disappointing The strippers didn’t even dance they just licked the pole to get their daily dose of iron.

I downloaded this new app. It’s great, it tells you what to wear, what to eat, what’s unhealthy and if you’ve put on weight. It’s called the Daily Mail

Popular Topics

New Daily Jokes

What can you overdose on but not die of? Daily Dose Of Internet.

I used to sponsor some kid in Africa At least until I realized I could get a daily cup of coffee for the same price

I once dated a daily newspaper executive, though I should have known it wouldn't work out Too many issues

18 days ago, I started posting daily footage of cattle during the lockdown... ... here's today's post, COW VID 19

A study found out that the amount of Americans who pray daily is almost the double of that of the Europeans. Must be because they do a “Thoughts and Prayers” after each mass shooting

I've been doing Cocaine daily for the last 10 years... And I'm still not addicted!

Im so bad at confrontation I lose arguments with myself on a daily basis.

I want to start running twenty four-hour gyms And they’ll all be open 11-3 daily

What's the similarity between a Cubs fan and a daily commuter? They both take the L.

donald trump's pick up line Excuse me miss, is your drink a wall? Because someone else is about to pay for it.

(cr. Daily Show)

What do you call a dragon who writes for the Daily Mail? A why-oh-wyvern.

I’ve recently been considering decreasing my daily intake of bullets. They just seem to pass right through me.

This new daily fiber regimen has really helped with my regularity issues. Now, every day at 5am I take a big ol' stinky poo. I just wish I could get out of bed before 6am.

What's Forest Gump's Password? 1Forrest1



Courtesy of Google's daily joke.

The difference between a pharmacist and a priest... Is how they give a child a daily dose of D.

daily commute I'm not sure if people don't sit next to me on the train because I'm black, or because I look Muslim. It's a win for me either way.

I am a muslim and i beat my wife daily In Rocket League. She is a terrible player.

Did you hear what toothpaste brands are trying to cover up? Well, it's quite the scandal. Various tabloids such as the New York Post and Daily Mail are coining it as Colgate.

Man walks in with broken tooth. Man: Doc!? I was eating my daily apple when suddenly...

Doctor: We're done here.

Dude: "Hey Alexa, set a daily alarm for 420pm" Alexa: "Police car dispatched"

Why did the azn cross the road? his parents beat him daily for A- grade.

I had a specific order in my day today. 1. I woke up

2. I won the lottery

3. My wife fed me good food after she went for her daily 4 mile run

4. I retired early and got paid millions of dollars everyday

Wait, it was actually 2, 3, 4, 1...

I like my coffee how I like my life Once thrilling, but now a mundane daily ritual that has me questioning what I ever found enjoyable about it to begin with.

What is Britain's most popular newspaper amongst breastfeeding mothers? The Daily Express.

Want your daily dose of vitamin C? Look at pictures of Donald Trump

Computers teach us 3 healthy daily habits... read/write and Run

I was chatting to this nun So I was chatting to this nun right, asking her about her daily life. So I asked her, "do you wake up, have a cup of coffee and then go to church?"

She replied, "don't be silly, a nun's habits aren't as black and white as that"

Joke - Daily dose of fun.. Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets? It's pretty big news.

Popular Topics

Long Daily Jokes

It's the time of the French Revolution and they're doing their usual daily beheadings..

Today they're leading a priest, a prostitute and an engineer up to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.

The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out: "Hey, I see what your problem is!"

The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.

Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.

Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.

Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.

A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.

Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles. Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.

The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.

Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.

For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.

Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.

Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.

One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."

Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.

Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.

"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

A Bar Opened Opposite a Church.....

The Church Prayed Daily against the bar business.

Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.

Bar Owner Sued the Church Authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their Prayer.

The Church Denied all Responsibility!!!

So, the judge commented,

"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it"

Haven't done that in a year..

A Dad wakes up and starts making breakfast on New Years Day. The son comes down to the kitchen and as the Dad serves him eggs he goes:

"Morning son, it looks like you haven't eaten all year."

The son scowls at the terrible Dad joke and digs into his eggs. The daughter comes down to the breakfast table and the Dad pours her a glass of orange juice:

"Good morning Daughter, you must be thirsty. It looks like you haven't had anything all year. "

both children scowl and continue their breakfast. The wife finally comes down to the table and as she sits down the father rolls some sausages on to her plate.

"Good morning Wif--"

The son interupts:

"OKAY DAD WE GET IT. TAKE A DAILY ACTIVITY, SAY YOU HAVEN'T DONE IT IN A YEAR- NOT FUNNY"

The Dad calmly keeps serving breakfast and says:

"Son, I was just telling your Mother to enjoy her sausages. The joke wouldn't work since this would be her second serving today."

Edit: He winks

Edit Edit: Wife winks back

Edit Edit Edit: "In a year" to "all year"

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy.

The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No Problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight.

I immediately began searching for him. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die.

In a rage, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I pushed it out onto the balcony and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Hi there. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

The guy sighs and says: "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. 

Then this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't die right away. As I'm lying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "very well," the Angel announces.  "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets him enter.

A few seconds later, a third guy comes up to the gate. Finally he says, "And what was YOUR day like?"

The guy says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator..."

Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.

He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’

It was early morning at the military base...

... and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:


"Ames"


"Here!"


"Jenson"


"Here!"


"Jones"


"Here!"


"Magersky"


"Here!"


"Seeback"

No answer.

"Seeback!"

No answer was heard again.

"SEEBACK!!!" The troops remained totally silent.


At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Idiots

A wife is sitting at home when a breaking news report appears on the TV stating there is a deranged man driving 100 mph on the freeway against traffic during rush hour. Remembering that this is the same route her husband drives home on a daily basis, the shocked and terrified woman quickly grabs the phone and dials her husband...

"Hello?"

"Honey I just saw on the news that some idiot is flying at 100 mph against the traffic. Please be careful!"

"One idiot?! There are thousands of them!!!!"

My wife and the hooker...

My wife of 5 years had put on just a little bit of weight recently and I wanted to encourage her to become fitter. I took up jogging hoping she’d join me on my runs but she didn’t take to it immediately. Nevertheless, I continued doing it every evening and like clockwork,I would run past this extremely attractive hooker on the same street corner that would shout “ $100 to make your dreams come true baby..” and I’d shout back “ $10!” without breaking my stride.
This went on for a few weeks until one day, my wife decided to give jogging a go and accompanied me for my evening run. Due to my joy of finally getting her to take it up I had completely forgotten about my daily encounters with the prostitute and I started to wonder how I’d explain it all.
Sure enough, as we came around the corner, I could see the lady standing in her usual spot. I deliberately avoided making eye contact this time hoping she’d just ignore me too. But just as we approached her, she looked my wife up and down and while laughing hysterically yelled “ see what you get for ten dollars!”

In a small town in America, a person decided to open up his bar business, which was right opposite to a church

The church & its congregation started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayed daily against his business.
Work progressed. However, when it was almost complete and was about to open a few days later, a strong lightning struck the bar and it was burnt to the ground. The church folk were rather smug in their outlook after that, till The bar owner sued the church authorities for $2million on the grounds that the church through its congregation & prayers was ultimately responsible For the demise of his bar shop, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection that their prayers were reasons to the bar shop’s demise. In support of their claim they referred to the Benson study at Harvard that inter-cessionary prayer had no impact !
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork and at the hearing and commented: ‘I don’t know how I am going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and we have an entire church and its devotees that doesn’t.’

Manners

In one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it. “Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A gender studies graduate tries to find a job in his field...

He attends several exams and many personal interviews, only to be rejected.

Being fed up after so many months of his job hunting, he decides to get into any job that can at least cover his daily needs.

He visits a circus group and asks for a job. The owner responds that there isn't any job for his education level. He follows up that there is a vacancy to act as a monkey and perform funny actions. The
unemployed youth accepts the offer since he can at least afford his living expenses

So he dresses up as a monkey and entertains audiences. One day while he is performing, he accidentally falls into the lion's ring.

Everyone was shocked as the monkey fell into
lion's ring. No one knew that he was a man dressed up as a monkey. The man himself was dreadful and feared for his life. He felt pity for himself as he was going to become a victim of unemployment.

The lion comes closer to him but doesn't attack.
The youth is also surprised. The lion then whispers,
"dude, it's me, your TA from last year! The 2015 batch, remember?"

The Polite Way to go for a Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher Miss Pinto trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?

Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'

The teacher fainted.

vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Karl Marx as a student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only permit them entry if they've had an exceptionally bad day." Peter shrugged and nodded his head, returning his attention to his magazine. An hour or so later, a man arrived at the gates. Ever diligent, Peter explained the new policy to the man and ask him about his day. "You wouldn't believe it Peter", he said. "I came home early to my fourth-floor apartment to find that my wife had been cheating on me with another man. I tore the house apart looking for the guy, my wife screaming at me all the while. Then I spotted him. He was hanging onto the railing of my balcony by his fingers, so I began stomping them. Eventually he fell, but he survived the fall. In a rage, I pushed the refrigerator from the kitchen to the balcony and over the rails, crushing him. Afterwards, the stress and physical exertion was too much. I died of a heart attack on the spot." Peter considered it for a moment, and concluded that it was indeed a terrible day. He permitted the man entrance and returned to his magazine. A short while later, another man arrived. Peter again explained the policy and waited for the man's story. "Well Peter, it's pretty crazy. I was doing my daily aerobics routine on the balcony of my fifth-floor apartment when I slipped on a spot of mildew and fell over the rails. Somehow though, I managed to grab hold of the railing on the next floor down! But before I could pull myself up, the man who lives there came out and started stomping on my hands! I never had a chance to explain. He'd broken most of my fingers and I wasn't able to hold on anymore. The fall broke several of my bones, but miraculously I was alive! I was just about to say a prayer of thanks when I looked up to see the man pushing a refrigerator over the rails to finish the job! Unable to move from my injuries, I couldn't escape and well, here I am." Secretly realising the irony of the situation, Peter waved him in, doing his best to stifle a chuckle. Before he could return to his magazine, however he looked up to see that another man had already arrived at the gates. Once again, he explained the new policy and awaited the man's story. After a long, contemplative pause, the man spoke. "Okay Peter. Picture this. I'm butt naked, and I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

A Doctor and engineer

A doctor and an engineer loved the same girl.
Doctor used to give her a rose daily
and engineer used to give the girl an apple.
Girl got confused and asked engineer : There is a meaning of giving rose in Love,
Why are you giving apple ?
Engineer answered : Because
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away".

Proper Manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

There once was a man named Yuri

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.

Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.

Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.

Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.

A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.

Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles.

Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.

The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.

Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.

For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.

Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.

Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.

One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."

Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.

Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.

"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

Marx as a Student

In University, Karl Marx's Political Economics professor noted that every day, the young man would get up halfway through class and walk out, which caused a good deal of disruption. The professor quickly grew tired of the daily distraction, and so one day, as Marx stood up and prepared to leave, the professor stopped lecturing and turned to him.

"I am curious, Mr. Marx, what it is about my teaching you find so intolerable that you cannot sit through more than half of any given lecture."

Karl looked surprised for a moment, but quickly understood what the problem was, and said, "Oh, no, sir, it's nothing like that. See, I have a class on "Proletariat ideology" that starts in five minutes, and I'll be dropped from the course if I'm late."

The professor was confused. "You mean to tell me that the University registered you for two courses during the same time?"

"Yes, sir," Marx responded. "So it's nothing personal. Just a class conflict."

Popular Topics