English Jokes

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Funniest English Jokes

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

TIL "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...it's correct

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

Funny English Jokes

English is weird.. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

Edit: R.I.P My inbox

English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words... Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him? Because he never finished his sentences...

Rule #1 for learning english Their our know rules!

English is Weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets? Tally Hoes

For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

I killed four people by looking them yesterday. Edit: Sorry, sawing. English is not my native language.

There's 26 letters in the English language, combined to make millions of words, which are used to make infinite sentences for any event imaginable. . . Yet I see the same jokes posted every day.

What's the difference between E.T. and a Mexican? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

I dated an English teacher for a few months, but it didn't work out. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T? E.T learned English and wanted to go home.

What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird

I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me.


She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

What's the difference between an illegal alien and E.T.? E.T. learned English and went home.

So I was asked the past tense of 'think' in a English test today I thought and thought and thought and finally wrote 'thunk'.

The English team visited an orphanage in brazil. "It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope”,said Jose age 6.

A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!" "You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"

English is not the easiest of languages It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

When Kim Jong-Un met Donald Trump some questioned whether he could actually speak English It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.

I used to date my english teacher but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

Why is the English alphabet the closest thing we have to the perfect fascist state? Where else can you find a population that are 96% Not Z’s

(I worked so hard on that one. Be gentle. )

What's the difference between E.T. and a refugee? E.T. learned English and wanted to go home.

A majority of English speakers do not know the opposites of these words Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

What's the difference between E.T and illegal immigrants? E.T actually learned English and wanted to go home.

I was taking my English final and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'”. I thought and thought about this for ages.

Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

The shortest sentence in the English language is "go." What is the longest? Life without parole

First rule of English grammar, Double negatives are a no no.

When I was a kid my English teacher looked my way and said, "name two pronouns." I said, " who, me?"

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T.? E.T. could speak English and wanted to go home.

I asked my English teacher whether I should pronounce "either" as "ee-ther" or "eye-ther" He said, "You can say either."

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New English Jokes

Translating a Serbian joke in english A blonde woman walks into a shop and asks

"Omg that accordion looks so cool I gotta have it, how much is it"

"Ma'am that's a radiator"

I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English My son.

Nope, still useless.

English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don’t love no hose.

My Middle Eastern dad has learned English from watching infomercials. So when I would get in trouble as a kid and get punished, he would finish by saying "But wait, there's more!"

What do English speakers yell when they're on a rollercoaster? Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

What do Spanish speakers yell when they're on a roller coaster?

Nosotros!!!!!

I used to date an English teacher... ...but we broke up after a debate over the proper usage of the colon.

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like 's', but other times not. Source: course

Chess joke ​

How come the english never lose at chess?

Because >!the queen never dies!<

&#x200B;

Why are americans bad at chess?

Because >!they lost two towers!<

An English test question asked us to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence. I wrote, "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."

English puns make me feel numb, But math puns make me feel number.

What is the longest Word in the English langage ? '' smiles '' because there is a mile between the first and last letter.

I had an A in English And that's how I failed the test

An English man, Irish man and Scottish man An English man, Irish man and Scottish man walk into a Bar


Those were the days

English puns make me feel numb Math jokes make me feel number

When I first moved to the US, I learned English by playing Pokemon Red It was super effective

What day of the month people who struggle with english need to drink the most? The 3st

What's the difference between an English Major and a Pizza? A pizza can feed a family of 4.

How loang does it take an english wifey tae dae a shite Aboot nine months.

Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me He obviously never been smacked in the balls with a concise Oxford English Dictionary.

Did you know that every middle-aged housewife is actually bilingual? They speak English and to the manager.

I was in an English exam and they asked “Write the past tense of ‘Think'” I thought and thought about this for ages.
Eventually, I went for ‘Thunk’.

What is the longest sentence in the English language? Life imprisonment.

English is weird. Sometimes the letter 'c' is pronounced like an 's', but sometimes it isn't. Source: Course

My English friend called me from the Storm Area 51 event. According to him, all they got for attending was a bloody t-shirt.

What do you say to comfort an English teacher? They're, their, there.

I once met a guy who was convinced that there were no word in the English language with more syllables than vowels. I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refuses to believe in criticism.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposotion

Wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail. However, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she came out of jail. However, you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition.

I just saw my high-school english teacher the other day and she didn't remember me. I was homeschooled.

They say English surnames all had a meaning, as in, "Smiths" were blacksmiths and "Taylors" were tailors... So what exactly did the Dickinsons do?

Why are the English, better lovers than the Germans? Because it's only the English that can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

An English man got his legs blown off Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally. “Kidnapping”

Man walks to library He goes up to the librarian, : "can i have an hotdog?"
Librarian: "sorry sir but this is a library."
Man: "oh sorry!

"Says quietly": "can i have an hotdog?"




Sorry for bad english

Is it just me... Or are there a lot of first person singular objective pronouns in the English language?

An English teacher has volunteered to educate prisoners at a local prison. Teahcer: "can you tell me please, what comes after every sentance?"

One of the prisoners then responds with;
"that's easy. Parole."

One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”. Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

I just started following English soccer, and West Ham is my favorite team. It’s named after two things ISIS hates.

A teacher asks her student where the English Channel is located. “I’m not sure,” the student answers, “we switched cable companies last month.”

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Long English Jokes

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favourite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favourite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favourite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favourite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

*"It's a date."*

Student: Can I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** I don't know, can you borrow a pencil?

**Student:** Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil.

**Teacher:** Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may".

**Student:** Point taken. May I borrow a pencil?

**Teacher:** No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.”

My God,” says his mother. “You can speak?”

To which the German boy replies, “Of course.”

"How come you've never spoken before?“ asks his father.

“Well,” says the boy, “up until now, everything has been satisfactory.”

3 spies from England, France and Italy were sent to the USSR.

After a week they were captured and put in jail. The Russians took the English spy, tied and tortured him and after 20 minutes he gave all the info.

Then the Russians took the French spy. They tied and tortured him, and after 20 minutes he too gave all the info.

Then they took the Italian spy and did the same to him, but he didnt give any info. They kept torturing him for 3 hours but with no luck. Eventually they gave up and put him back in the cell.

The 2 other spies asked him “How did you do that? They tortured us like crazy!” The Italian replied: “I wanted to give all my info, but they tied my hands and so I couldn't speak.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"

"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"

The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."

His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.

Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well.

Thirty minutes, no issues.

By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.

The church bursts into hard laughter.

Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation.

"We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.

The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."

"Yes," replied the other American.

"Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Edit: mutant added**

Edit 2: to those who are telling me it's not a joke, because my son doesn't understand the English language. WOW, you're right! I hadn't thought of that. I really thought he got me, but you have changed everything! My 4 year old son doesn't know the word "bare", or sarcasm yet. Please stop PMing me that now. Thank you.

Should English be the only official language of the EU?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam

A man is struck in a traffic jam

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window. 

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?" 

"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire politicians, and they are asking for a 1 million crore rupees ransom. 

Otherwise, they are gong to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. 

We are going from car to car, and collection donations. 

How much is everyone giving, an on average? the driver asks.... 

The man replied, "Roughly 2 liters"

*Edit 1 : I apologise for any grammatical errors. English is not my 1st language.

*Edit 2 : Wow! Thanks for the upvotes guys! I really appreciate it. Also this is my most upvoted post ever.

Out for a Hike

My friend Ted and I were out hiking in the woods. I was a little depressed over my losing my job as an English teacher and felt I needed the fresh air to clear my mind.

Well, on our hike, we came across something so incredibly sad, it put to bed all of my own problems. There, lying on the trail, was a beautiful and majestic Appaloosa stallion lying on the ground. It had obviously been there for some time and was nearing death. Vultures, silhouetted in the crisp blue sky, circled above.

I looked at the horse; he looked at me. We had an understanding. He wanted us to put him out out of his misery. But before I raised my fist, the stallion rested his head, closed his eyes, and whinnied his last.

Somewhat relieved, I told Ted what we must do now: we had to make sure.

My friend was shocked. He looked over his shoulder frantically "Who," he demanded, "Who should beat this dead horse?"

I looked him in the eye, placed one hand reassuringly upon his shoulder and said:

"You and I, Ted."

A French spy, an English spy, and an Italian spy were sent to the USSR.

Unfortunately, they were caught within a few days and held in captivity for a week. Then they were tortured for information.

The French spy was first. They tied him, tortured him, and after 20 minutes he gave them all his information.

The English spy fared the same. After being tied and tortured for 20 minutes, he gave in and gave up all his information.

But when they tried the same with the Italian, he refused to give up anything and stayed tied to the chair for 3 hours until the Russians gave up and threw him back in the cell.

"How did you do that!" The other two were amazed at his endurance. "I wanted to give up all my information," replied the Italian. "But they tied my hands, so I couldn't talk."

[long] European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language...

of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility . As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English ".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy . The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter .

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling . Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away .

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v ".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

American Soldiers

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady. May I sit there? I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.

“And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong b*itch out the window.”

A Polish joke translated to english

Two guys were living in the same apartment building in identical flats. The first guy visits the second one and sees that he just painted his flat and it looks great.
"This looks amazing" the first guy says and asks how many cans of paint he bought. The second guy says he bought seven.
The next day the first guy drives to the store, buys seven cans of paint and starts painting his flat. After few hours he finishes the whole thing but he realises that he used only three cans of paint.
He calls the second guy:
"Hey man I've just finished painting the whole place, but I've used only 3 cans of paint and I have 4 left!"
Second guy - "Yeah, me too."

A teacher in Ireland is giving an English lesson and asks the class for examples of when they have heard the word "contagious" being used…

One eager child says, "Daddy says to cover my mouth when I cough because my cold is contagious!"

"Very good!" replied the teacher. "Has anybody else got an example?"

"My mummy says my laugh is contagious!" said another child.


"Great answer!" said the teacher, "How about you Paddy?"

"Well, our neighbour was painting his fence with a toothbrush." said Paddy. "Dad says it's going to take the contagious!"

The Memory Man

A man from Liverpool, England was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face.

"Who's he?" asked the Liverpudlian.

"That's the Memory Man." said the bartender. "He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he's ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out."

So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?".

"Liverpool" replies the Memory Man.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds" was the instant reply.

"And the score?"

"2-1."

"Who scored the winning goal?"

"Ian St. John" said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The Liverpudlian was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian approached him with the greeting "How".

The Memory man looked up and said, "Diving header in the six yard box".

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store...

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines" said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas. Quiero calcetines." repeated the man.

"I still don't know what you're trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack." offered the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero pantalones. Quiero calcetines." insisted the man.

"These sweaters are top quality." the salesgirl probed.

"No, no quiero sueter. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Our undershirts are over here." fumbled the salesgirl, beginning to lose patience.

"No, no quiero camisetas. Quiero calcetines." the man repeated.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair. Holding them up he proclaimed "Eso sí que es!".

"Well, if you could spell it, why didn't you do that in the beginning?" asked the exasperated salesgirl.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.

The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.

The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.

The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"

The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman and a Irishman are captured by Isis.

The executioner lines the men in a row and says that each of them can have one final wish. He starts by asking the Irishman what his wish is.

"My wish is to have 1000 Irish tap dancers tapping during my execution."

"Granted." The executioner replied and then proceeded to ask the Scotsman his wish.

"My wish is to have 1000 Scotsman playing the bag pipes during my execution."

"Granted." Replied the executioner, and went on to ask the Welsh man.

"My wish is to have 1000 Welshman singing Land of my Farther during my execution."

"Granted." Said the executioner, before finally asking the English man what his final wish was to be.

"Kill me first."

A young Swedish woman, old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding a train.

A young Swedish woman, **an** old Dutch woman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are riding **on** a train.

The train goes through a tunnel, it becomes pitch black in the car, and then a loud SMACK is heard.

The train emerges from the tunnel and the Englishman is rubbing his cheek.

The old Dutch woman thinks: "He must have groped the young Swedish woman, and she slapped him."

The young Swedish woman thinks: "He must have tried to grope me, and accidentally got the old woman, and she slapped him."

The Englishman thinks: "The Irishman must have groped the Swedish girl, and she accidentally slapped me."

The Irishman thinks: "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English guy again."

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those drinks. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the tourist, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman."Just follow me". He leads the tourist down a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir," replied the police officer, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

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