Free Jokes

Contents

Funniest Free Jokes

The sweater my wife gave me was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge.

Funny Free Jokes

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU? 1GB

Why do you never see a church with free Wi-Fi? Because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

I like my woman like I like my Laptop On my lap , turned on ,Virus free

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store. They gave me another one, free of charge.

"Uniformed police eat free you say?" "No, sorry it's *uninformed* police eat free."
"Oh, I didn't know."
"It's on the house, officer."

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.

I hate people who take drugs... specifically the DEA and US Customs.

Edit: Thanks everyone for the free Internet points. Appreciate it. :)

I gave away all my dead batteries today.. free of charge.

I used my stimulus check to buy baby chickens Money for nothing, and the chicks for free

With the UK leaving the EU, the union has some free space. Exactly 1GB

Why is free Wi-Fi never seen in churches? Because no church wants to be challenged by an invisible power that actually works.

Free shipping? I walked into an airport with two bags:

"I want this one to go to Chicago, and this one to go to Paris."

"Sir, you can't do that."

"Why not? It happened the last time."

Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar... Its called inflation.

Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

I like my women like I like my computer Turned on
On my lap
And virus free

You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma! My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

Dear Brits: We have received your ultimatum and have scrounged for the ransom... ...but we could only come up with half.


Feel free to him back halfway and we'll wire the funds. Thanks, the US

My wife is amazing She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

Today I gave my dead batteries away.... Free of charge!

How much do used batteries cost? Nothing, they are free of charge.

America is a free country. Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help. Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left? 1 GB

McDonald's will give you a free combo meal... McDonald's will give you a free combo meal and £127.38 if you go to the Drive Thru dressed as a clown.

With a gun.

As a Canadian.. Every time I hear a bad joke about being Canadian...


...I go right to the Hospital and get my feelings checked for free

What's the best thing about fingering a psychic on her period? You get your palm red for free

"We Do Not Have A Child Slave Colony On Mars." They are free to leave the dome whenever they wish.

Punctuality.... A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

I got a free iPad and iPhone today. It's like... this gun is magic!!!

What's the similarity between free healthcare and good jokes? Americans don't get them.

How do I know China has Free Speech? No one says otherwise.

PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT. It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.

What does alcohol free beer taste like? Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.

A Mexican attempts to pass the border A border control officer catches them and says, "Papers."

The Mexican replied, "Scissors."

The border control officer replied,"Dammit! Well, you're free to go!"

Wow I got all this for free today. iPhone, some weed, and $2 000 ... it’s like this gun is magic!

Stop spreading the fake news that women are forced to wear hijabs. It's their free choice between wearing them or getting stoned to death.

Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron? So the wedding would be free of charge

Popular Topics

New Free Jokes

Did you hear about the Starbucks no-mask deal? Mask-less customers who buy a Grande hot coffee today... Will get a free Venti later

Just gave away a whole bunch of old batteries... Totally free of charge.

I heard the easiest method for free karma today! It’s actually really a piece of cake

A European tells an American a joke European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

What happened to the man that robbed the tissue factory He got away snot free

A sweater I bought kept static electricity, so I returned it They gave me another one free of charge

I’m selling my dead batteries. They’re free of charge if you’re interested.

Passed an auto parts store today and saw a sign that read, “Dead batteries, $1” I thought, those should be free of charge.

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts? The Santa Clause.

My company makes parachutes for skydivers We offer free refund for defected products but it seems like our customers are very generous about small mistakes.

I just gave away all my dead batteries Free of charge

A new bar opened up down the road that offered free Wi-Fi. I asked the bar keeper for the password and he said "two drink minimum" So I quickly downed 2 shots and again asked for the password. He said "twodrinkminimum: all one word"

Why did the white lady want to talk the manager into giving her a free item? Because Sharon is Karen.

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels I'm going to call it "responsibly"

A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So I returned it to the store. They gave me another one, free of charge.

What’s the best part of fingering a gypsy on her rag? You get your palm red for free

Why don't black people take free cruises? Cause they aren't falling for that one again

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means that their owner has fallen and is in need of help Follow the dog, and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

My girlfriend says her body is a temple Apparently that means anyone is free to come inside.

I wo der how people used their free time before the internet... I asked my eight siblings but they didn't know either.

My girlfriend told me that if anything happened to her, I am free to see other people. Apparently “getting stuck in traffic “ doesn’t count for anything.

Some of my friends go on Tinder dates just for free food I guess you could call it food for thot.

I like like my coffee like I like my slaves Free you bigot

Today I gave a homeless person a warm new home.. I gave him counterfeit money to buy food which got him arrested.

Now he's got a warm jail and free meals twice a day.

I love vegans The meat is better because its grass fed, locally sourced and free of harmful chemicals

I was wondering what my parents did in their free time when they were young I asked my 27 siblings and they didn’t know either.

Quick Thinking Teacher says, "Whoever can answer my next question, is free to leave class."
One little boy chucks his backpack out the window.
Teacher asks, "Who threw that bag?"
Little boy, "Me! I'll see you tomorrow!"

Air Hostess : Can i offer you free head phones? Guy : Definitely but how do you know my name is Phones???

I volunteer part time as a jouster at the renaissance fair. I’m a free lancer.

The flight attendant asked me during the flight, could I offer you some free headphones? So I replied, “Sure, but how did you know my name is Phones?”

I used to think air was always free Until I bought a bag of chips

The Trump administration is like the International Space Station They're in constant free fall, and they needed Russia's help to get there

Why isn't there any helium in North Korea? Because helium can only be found in a free state.

I don’t understand why people pay so much to go to college when they can get a wife and get free lectures day and night

Which stores sell dead batteries? None, they give them away free of charge.

Free parachute No strings attached!

What is Louis C.K's Favorite Movie? Free Willy.

I gave all my dead batteries away. They were free of charge.

After all these years, I finally left my abusive relationship. I feel so relieved! Now that I don't have to beat my girlfriend anymore, I have so much free time.

What's a Jew's biggest dilemma? Free ham

Popular Topics

Long Free Jokes

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled. They try to get free but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become.

The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head. "Hey you two!" he shouts. "Stop making spectacles of yourselves!"

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.

*My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.

*How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.

"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."

"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."

The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.

The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.

The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,

"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"

The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."

PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

A traveler enters a pub.

The barkeep says, "Welcome! What are you drinking?" The traveler, weary from her long journey, responds simply, "Your finest ale, please." The barkeep tells her, "Brilliant." As he pours her a pint of his finest ale, he makes her an offer.



"Since you are a first time customer, I will offer you a gift I offer all of my first time customers." The traveler blushed and nodded at the bartender, who was easy on her eyes.



"You may choose either this first pint of ale is free or instead you may pay for the beer and I will give you a piece of valuable advice." The traveler pondered this for a moment, knowing her coin purse is light.



"Though my purse is light, barkeep, I am intrigued by your offer. I will pay for my ale, now pleade share your valuable advice." The barkeep grinned, counting the coins she had given him, looked her in the eye and said, "You should've taken the free pint."

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.

The director gathers three patients for a demonstration.

-So, resident 121, what is six times six?

-One thousand? -says the first one.

-Well no, that's another year here for you.

The director proceeds to ask the second patient the same question.

-Well, the answer is February.

-My God... No, no it isn't. You are staying here one more year.

Finally, the director asks the question to the third patient.

-What is six times six?

-Obviously it 36.

The director cheers the third patient and proceeds too comunicate the asylum staff he is ready to leave. The new guy asks the patient before he leaves:

-Good job answering correctly. How did you know it?

-Well, it was easy. I divided one thousand by February.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CANT RECAPTCHA

The Pope, Donald Trump, Angela Merkel, and a third grade child are flying on a small plane.

The pilot, Captain Heelspurs, runs into trouble and realizes they’re going to crash. He races to the cabin, grabs a parachute, and bails, hollering, “There are three parachutes left. You guys are on your own.”

Angela Merkel says, “Since I’m the leader of the free world now, I need to survive.” She takes a parachute and exits the plane.

Donald Trump says, “Well, I’m the smartest man in the world, so I get a parachute too,” and off he goes.

The Pope tells the third grader, “Don’t worry, my child. I’ve lived a long and miraculous life. You take the parachute, and I’ll go down with the plane.”

“That’s okay, sir,” says the child. “There are still two parachutes left. The world’s smartest man just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack.”

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know...

One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside
and made them line up. By chance, Lulu's grandma came by.

Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the
police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all
the prostitutes.

When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow,
still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out,
rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry."

The policeman fainted.

50 dollars is 50 dollars

Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion.

On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars.

The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree.

The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter.

Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two."

James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."

A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.

The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a frog and sets the frog at the piano.

Low and behold the frog cracks his little fingers and starts to play!

The barkeep is just blown away by this and agrees that the man can drink for free for the rest of the night. Meanwhile there is a wealthy business man watching this unfold from a corner, so he gets up and approaches the man sensing a business opportunity. He says "Excuse me, but I saw your frog and I was wondering if he was for sale?"

The man replies "Sorry the frog is not for sale" and continues sipping his drink.

The businessman offers $10,000 for the frog, which the man again politely declines, followed by offers for $20,000 and $30,000. Until the business man finally gives up and goes back to his seat.

The man finishes his drink and asks the barkeep "Hey, if I can show you something else even more amazing, would you let me drink here for free any day?" The barkeep thinking he has seen everythig now readily agrees, what coul dbe more amazing than a playing frog?

Well the man reaches into another pocket and brings out a mouse and puts him on top of the piano. A few secons lader the mouse starts to sing along with the frog's playing! The barkeep is absolutely floored by this and again agrees to honour his deal.

The business man also sees this and again approaches the man, he offers $100,000 for the frog and the mouse, which the man again declines. The business man in a last ditch effort says "OK, what about $100,000 just for the mouse?"

The man takes a sip of his drink and says "Just for the mouse? Yeah OK" so the business man cuts him a check right there, and takes the mouse and leaves.

The barkeep says to the man "Are you crazy!?" A mouse like that has got to be worth 10x that much! What were you thinking?"

The man calmly sips his drink and replies with a wry smile "The jokes on him, the frog is a ventriloquist."

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets...

“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy.

The boy just stood there looking up at his father.

The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets... it’s free.”

Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father.

Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son.

As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy.

The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and he is completely parched. He sits at the bar, pats his pockets and realises he's left his wallet at home. He calls to the bartender,

"Hey pal, I've left my wallet at home but hey... tell you what, if I can show you something incredible, will you give me a free beer in return?"

The bartender is a worldly individual. "Listen mate, look around at the stuff on the walls, I've seen all kinds of things, been all kinds of places. I mean, you can give it a shot but I honestly doubt you can show me something that impressive."

So the man reaches into his left jacket pocket and pulls out a small hamster. He places the hamster on the bar and the bartender looks bemused. The man reaches into his other jacket pocket and pulls out a tiny piano, followed by a tiny stool, just the right size for the hamster, who sits down, cracks his knuckles and starts playing a famous piece of music by Rachmaninoff.

The bartender is speechless.

"Tell you what mate... I've seen some things in my time but that is absolutely incredible! Here's your free beer."

The visitor gulps down his drink until the last drop is gone. But he can't help but feel another drink would really hit the spot. He motions to the bartender again.

"Look, I could really use another drink - how about I show you something even more incredible?"

The bartender stares in disbelief. "After that performance, I think you'll struggle to beat it! But go on, try your luck then."

The man reaches into his left jacket pocket again and retrieves a small frog, who is wearing a waist coat. He places the frog on the stool beside the hamster. The hamster counts to four, the frog clears his throat, and over the piano the frog sings a classic opera, bringing several people in the bar to tears.

"Oh my word," says the bartender. "That is absolutely unbelievable. Here's your pint, mate. You've earned it."

In the corner of the room, a shady looking individual has been watching with keen interest from behind his dark sunglasses. He approaches the owner of the performing animals and gets straight to business.

"I'll give you £50,000 right now, in cash, if you'll let me take that frog off your hands this instant."

"Well, sure, why not?" says the man, as he duly hands the frog over to the shady character, who promptly slides back a silver briefcase filled with bank notes before making his exit with the frog.

"Are you MAD!?" the bartender says to the man. "You could have made millions with that frog!"

"Nah," says the man.

"The hamster's a ventriloquist."

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute

and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living...

There was a man in Romania who drove a train for a living.

He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.

He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.

He made it out, but a single person died.

Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.

He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.

When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.

After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.

The man was perfectly fine.

Well, at the time, there was an old Romanian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.

And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.

Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.

Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.

The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.

For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.

After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.

The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.

Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.

And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.

To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.

And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.

On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.

"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."

Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.

The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.

The executioner was speechless.

The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."


"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."


"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"


"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.


"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"


"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"


Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"


Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.


The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"


The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"


The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.


"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.


A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"


"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

My parents used to tell me that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until i got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremly high prices for it once i got addicted.

Looking at games in the App Store, I think all those drug dealers turned to game developers.

A Calvinist arrived at the Gates of Heaven.

He sees that there are two lines going in. One has a sign that reads "predestined," and the other, "free will". He naturally heads to the predestined line.

While waiting, an angel comes and asks him "Why are you in this line?"

He replies, "Because I chose it."

The angel looks surprised, "Well, if you 'chose' it, then you should be in the free will line."

So our Calvinist, now slightly miffed, obediently wanders over to the free will line.

Again, after a few minutes, another angel asks him, "Why are you in this line?"

He sullenly replies, "Someone made me come here."

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and board”. “The cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and board”

“And there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. “

The investigator said “that’s the guy I want to talk to!”

“You already are” replied the rancher.

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