There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join But enough about the church...
Many people are shocked... ...when they find out I'm a horrible electrician.
What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic
My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24 What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.
I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...
Just in case there is a salad dressing .
This was horrible lol
My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish
My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire Great guy, horrible firefighter.
One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My girlfriend said I'm horrible at fixing Appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
What's an author's favorite drink?
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)
A guy is feeling horrible so he goes to the doctor...
During the exam the doctor is shocked, "Oh my god! No wonder you feel bad, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your butt!"
The man says, "Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"
I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen... I can feel it
We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.
I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.
"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?? Great food, horrible atmosphere.
I have this horrible tofu joke I'm afraid to post... It's really tasteless.
Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil It only cost him a Penny
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight… What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble...
Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death." Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
I was given MDMA and LSD tonight… It was a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble…
BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches
One's man trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
My wife is a horrible singer . When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join... But enough about church, how's your day been?
Are you a horrible person?
Just date a color blind person.
***They will never see your true colors.***
Did you hear about the drummer that got kicked out of his band for having horrible timing? He got so depressed that he threw himself behind a bus!
A friend of mine died recently
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
My grandfather drowned in varnish recently. A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.
My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.
I've got a horrible memory. I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.
What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers. Christians are horrible drivers.
Why was the lazy-eyed man a horrible teacher? Because he couldn't control his pupils.
Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines. The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.
There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes.. No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.
Horrible joke I made up as a kid
Why are frogs on the endangered species list?
Because they croak a lot!
An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up.
How do you get down from an elephant??
YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!
One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, but horrible way to find out you're adopted.
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a bottle of varnish... ...It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
My son used to be horrible at graphing trig functions. Luckily he's made excellent sines of improvement.
Gravity and I have a horrible relationship. It’s always trying to keep me down.
It's horrible when someone takes their own life... Will be very saddened to hear of Ghislaine Maxwell's suicide in 2021.
A joke I made myself So, I was walking around down town last night and decided to try the popular trend of "walking into a bar" and I did it, and I say that it's a horrible trend! Walking straight into metal does not feel good!
A horse walks into a bar
and says to the bartender, “Your entire family was just killed in a horrible accident.
Who’s got the long face now?”
According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too.
Two chemists walk into a bar... the first asks "A glass of your finest H2O, please". The barman serves him, he drinks it, all is well. The second chemist asks, "And I'll have a glass of H2O, too". The barman serves him, he drinks it, and dies a horrible death.
I've got this horrible disease where I constantly tell airport jokes. The doctor told me it's terminal.
My friend Doug shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.
Karen visits an art gallery
Karen: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon Ma'am, that is a mirror.
We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets
I have a Greek friend who is a horrible wingman so we call him Icarus
What can you tell me about your father? "I hope he's dead." Why would you say such a horrible thing? "Because we buried him 20 years ago."
Why would Achilles be a horrible basketball player? He'd always get his ankles broken.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Horse replies, "My entire family was just killed in a horrible automobile accident."
I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"
My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.
One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out you were adopted.
On a first date, wear a bad outfit so the other person can see your great personality... ...if you have a horrible personality, wear Chanel.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, horrible atmosphere.
I went to a hotel with June
The service was bad, the food was too salty, $500 for the night, and I had to pay extra because I worsened the crack.
In conclusion, June is a horrible hooker, 1 star.
Bad With Directions
My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was horrible with directions...
So I packed up my belongings and right.
It's a well known fact that women are horrible at keeping secrets. By comparison to men. By the time you've told a man your secret, he'll have already forgotten it.
Why is Batman a horrible bartender? He only serves just ice.
What did the vegan zombie eat when he had a horrible headache? My grrrrrraaaaaainnnnnns
Wife is horrible with money After receiving a decent inheritance from her mother, my wife decided to buy a boob job instead of start a 529 for our kids. Her prior titties weren't straight.
In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear. So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker
A Smuckers truck blew up in front of me today I got stuck in a horrible traffic jam
This is for my fellow horrible people. Please don't hate me.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
Santa goes *down* the chimney.
What do you call horrible poetry? A c-RHYME
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because episode 7 led to two horrible Star Wars sequels.
I hate wrapping presents They sound horrible
I felt horrible when I reacted to a deaf man "are you deaf?!" Gladly he didn't hear that.
My nephew is horrible at pretending to be sick
When I asked him "What are you eating?"
he answers "cashew!"
Why do Hong Kong police go to work early?
They like to beat the crowd
(Dark humor, it’s horrible what’s going on in Hong Kong)
I hear the army of Holland has had very successful operations in the past, preventing horrible things from happening. They’ve dutched the bullet many times.
There’s nothing more horrible than a man’s laughter Sorry, a *manslaughter
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure It’s a wonderful saying, yet a horrible way to find out that you were adopted.
My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius" She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"
I made a train pun but it was horrible Now I have to cover up my tracks.
I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins.
A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish. It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.
The CIA has suddenly realized they've been making a horrible mistake They've been using black sharpie instead of yellow highlighter for years
I had a terrible labor day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm. She's all right now.
Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen. But that's just an herb in legend.
Whenever I go out to eat I always tip my server. I've also learned that servers have horrible balance.
Wtf, I can't stand the thought of having two dads.. Just imagine all the horrible jokes I'd encounter
You know that horrible feeling that you're about to bump into your ex? I hate digging in the garden
Being a french baker must be horrible All you do is feel pain everyday
I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no..... it's just fowl behavior.
I just started dating a half Asian girl Her Mom's Korean, her Dad's Korean, and she lost her legs in a horrible car accident.
This just in: a horrible fishing accident in Thailand. Several boys found in fishnets
A doctor was sued for malpractice due to his horrible temper Needless to say, that was the day he lost all of his patients.
Why do eco-activists make horrible stand up comedians? They consistently refuse to use anything but recycled material.
Batman is a master of jokes...
Robin: Hey, did you ever think about the jokes of the joker? Sometimes I feel his deepest inner fears seem to be hidden behind his horrible facade.
Batman: Feels bad, man.
I heard Humpty Dumpty had a great summer! But he had a horrible fall.
Horrible people keep recommending me winding bike routes Those goddamn twisted cycle paths.
I used to have a horrible gambling problem... .. but I wager I'll never gamble again.
I beat my wife all the time. She is horrible at video games.
I have this horrible scar all the way around my left ankle. Shortly after my birth, the doctor mistakenly started a circumcision on it before realizing his mistake.
My jokes are like an unexpected still birth. The delivery's horrible and everyone's disappointed and disgusted at the end.
Amputees make horrible detectives The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.