Horrible Jokes

Contents

Funniest Horrible Jokes

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join But enough about the church...

Funny Horrible Jokes

Many people are shocked... ...when they find out I'm a horrible electrician.

What's a horrible icebreaker? The titanic

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24 What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I always knock on the front door of my fridge ... Just in case there is a salad dressing .

This was horrible lol

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire Great guy, horrible firefighter.

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

My girlfriend said I'm horrible at fixing Appliances. Well she's in for a shock.

What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird.
(Yes I know it's horrible :P)

A guy is feeling horrible so he goes to the doctor... During the exam the doctor is shocked, "Oh my god! No wonder you feel bad, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your butt!"
The man says, "Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen... I can feel it

We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

I heard some guy tell two horrible Malaysian Airline jokes The first one got no response, and the second one was shot down in flames.

"One man's trash is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.

Did you hear about the restaurant on Mars?? Great food, horrible atmosphere.

I have this horrible tofu joke I'm afraid to post... It's really tasteless.

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil It only cost him a Penny

I was given MDMA and LSD tonight… What a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble...

Hilary Clinton goes to a psychic. The soothsayer tells her, "Your husband will die a horrible violent death." Hilary asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

I was given MDMA and LSD tonight… It was a horrible way to start a game of Scrabble…

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

One's man trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.

My wife is a horrible singer . When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

There's a gang in my city who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join... But enough about church, how's your day been?

Are you a horrible person? Just date a color blind person.

***They will never see your true colors.***

Did you hear about the drummer that got kicked out of his band for having horrible timing? He got so depressed that he threw himself behind a bus!

A friend of mine died recently A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

My grandfather drowned in varnish recently. A horrible way to go, but a lovely finish.

My uncle used to always say, "it's the journey not the destination that matters". Nice guy, horrible pilot.

I've got a horrible memory. I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

What I learned from small crosses placed along the roadside with flowers. Christians are horrible drivers.

Why was the lazy-eyed man a horrible teacher? Because he couldn't control his pupils.

Some guy at the bar I went to last night told two horrible jokes about Malaysia Airlines. The first one received no response and the second one was shot down in flames.

There is a Hispanic train conductor going around committing horrible crimes.. No one knows why, but it's clear he has a loco motive.

Horrible joke I made up as a kid Why are frogs on the endangered species list?

Because they croak a lot!

An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up. How do you get down from an elephant??


YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, but horrible way to find out you're adopted.

A friend of mine died recently after drinking a bottle of varnish... ...It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

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New Horrible Jokes

Gravity and I have a horrible relationship. It’s always trying to keep me down.

It's horrible when someone takes their own life... Will be very saddened to hear of Ghislaine Maxwell's suicide in 2021.

A joke I made myself So, I was walking around down town last night and decided to try the popular trend of "walking into a bar" and I did it, and I say that it's a horrible trend! Walking straight into metal does not feel good!

A horse walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Your entire family was just killed in a horrible accident.

Who’s got the long face now?”

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles he's also worked with alligators too.

Two chemists walk into a bar... the first asks "A glass of your finest H2O, please". The barman serves him, he drinks it, all is well. The second chemist asks, "And I'll have a glass of H2O, too". The barman serves him, he drinks it, and dies a horrible death.

I've got this horrible disease where I constantly tell airport jokes. The doctor told me it's terminal.

My friend Doug shocked and hurt me. He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a horrible thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath.

Karen visits an art gallery Karen: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?

Art dealer: I beg your pardon Ma'am, that is a mirror.

We all knew 2020 is going to be a horrible year We just expected it to be filled with 2020 visions jokes, rather than a deadly virus, locust swarms and murder hornets

I have a Greek friend who is a horrible wingman so we call him Icarus

What can you tell me about your father? "I hope he's dead." Why would you say such a horrible thing? "Because we buried him 20 years ago."

Why would Achilles be a horrible basketball player? He'd always get his ankles broken.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

Horse replies, "My entire family was just killed in a horrible automobile accident."

Social distancing I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

My art teacher said my self portrait looked horrible However she did say it was extremely realistic and lifelike.

One man's trash is another man's treasure... Wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out you were adopted.

On a first date, wear a bad outfit so the other person can see your great personality... ...if you have a horrible personality, wear Chanel.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, horrible atmosphere.

I went to a hotel with June The service was bad, the food was too salty, $500 for the night, and I had to pay extra because I worsened the crack.

In conclusion, June is a horrible hooker, 1 star.

Bad With Directions My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was horrible with directions...


So I packed up my belongings and right.

It's a well known fact that women are horrible at keeping secrets. By comparison to men. By the time you've told a man your secret, he'll have already forgotten it.

Why is Batman a horrible bartender? He only serves just ice.

What did the vegan zombie eat when he had a horrible headache? My grrrrrraaaaaainnnnnns

Wife is horrible with money After receiving a decent inheritance from her mother, my wife decided to buy a boob job instead of start a 529 for our kids. Her prior titties weren't straight.

In the morning, I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you coffee, but it made this horrible screeching noise in your ear. So I divorced her and bought myself a coffee maker

A Smuckers truck blew up in front of me today I got stuck in a horrible traffic jam

This is for my fellow horrible people. Please don't hate me. What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?

...


Santa goes *down* the chimney.

What do you call horrible poetry? A c-RHYME

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because episode 7 led to two horrible Star Wars sequels.

I hate wrapping presents They sound horrible

I felt horrible when I reacted to a deaf man "are you deaf?!" Gladly he didn't hear that.

My nephew is horrible at pretending to be sick When I asked him "What are you eating?"

he answers "cashew!"

Why do Hong Kong police go to work early? They like to beat the crowd


(Dark humor, it’s horrible what’s going on in Hong Kong)

I hear the army of Holland has had very successful operations in the past, preventing horrible things from happening. They’ve dutched the bullet many times.

There’s nothing more horrible than a man’s laughter Sorry, a *manslaughter

One man’s trash is another man’s treasure It’s a wonderful saying, yet a horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

My mom made a horrible joke the other day and I said "oh wow look at this comedic genius" She then replied to me saying "of course I am one. I mean I made you"

I made a train pun but it was horrible Now I have to cover up my tracks.

I own a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt Unfortunately, Stradivari was a horrible painter, and Rembrandt knew nothing about making violins.

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Long Horrible Jokes

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: “Dear, breakfast is made. I’ve gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!”

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there’s breakfast. “Joe,” he says to his son, “what happened last night?”

“You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.”

“So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?”

“Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’m married!’”

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.

She summoned all three suitors to the grand hall and announced - "whoever brings me the most ping pong balls shall have my hand in marriage - this is my test of love!" Each suitor goes off to meet the challenge.

The first suitor comes back a few weeks later with loads and loads of horse drawn carriages filled with ping pong balls. The convoy stretches as far as the eye can see. All together they amount to 1 million ping pong balls and the princess is impressed.

The second suitor realises he has to up his game and hires a fleet of ships to gather deliver the ping pong balls. A few months later ships upon ships line the harbour in front of the princess' castle, and the princess swoons at the sight of 100 million ping pong balls being offered to her.

The third and final suitor then shows up a year later. He's all bloodied and beaten up, horrible scars across his arms. In his left hand he clutches a big brown heavy sack. The princess confronts him, clearly unimpressed and says "what are you doing!? Clearly this can't beat the 100 million ping pong balls I had from my second suitor! Stop wasting my time!"

Confused, the third suitor says to the princess as she turns to leave "but my princess, I thought you said KING KONG balls!!"

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”

”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”

”Done,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher.

“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

The tale of Yuri. (Preemptive apologies).

Yuri had lived in Russia all of his life, in a small town near Moscow. The town had horrible weather conditions almost all of the time and very few people lived there. Everyone living in the town was struggling to survive in such poor conditions. Yuri had lived alone in a small house in this town. He worked every day at a factory that was close to this town. It was hard work, and Yuri was never very happy with his work, but he kept enduring the rough conditions to be able to have an income. Yuri's life had been like this for several years, and he had endured many hardships during these times.

Every day, while Yuri was taking his walk to the factory before work began, he always passed by a large billboard on the side of the road. The billboard changed every month or so, usually showing an irrelevant advertisement for something that Yuri had little interest in. Today, however, Yuri noticed a new advertisement on the billboard. It read, "SWIMMING LESSONS" in large letters, accompanied by a picture of a large man swimming through the water. This ad had given Yuri something to be interested in. He had always had an intense passion for swimming, but it was always too difficult to practice in the frigid waters of the lake near his home. Yuri continued to read the ad before he finally came to the price: 5000 Rubles base fee.

Yuri was sad, because this was much more than Yuri could afford to spend. However, he thought to himself, "If I could save up enough money from the factory work, then by the end of the month, I should have enough..." After this, he decided that day that he would work as hard as he could to make sure he had enough money by the end of the month. He even had to cut back his food supply by just a small amount to still have enough money. Finally, at the end of the month, Yuri finally had enough money to be able to go to the swimming pool not far from his home where the practices were being held.

Every day after his hard work at the factory, he greatly enjoyed going back to the pool and practicing his swimming. He had started quickly and advanced rapidly. Everyone who frequented the pool to practice their swimming was impressed by Yuri's natural ability to be able to learn and adapt so quickly, becoming very popular with the people at the pool, his hometown, and even in Moscow. It was truly a passion of Yuri's.

A few months had passed, and Yuri's amazing swimming abilities had been noticed by people in places all across Russia, considering a swimming prodigy. Yuri was always modest about his skills, but was humble nonetheless. However, he still had to continue his work at the factory, and live in the same small house he had lived in since he was born. For him, swimming was the one thing that saved him from the cruel and harsh life he lived.

Later that month, on his way to the factory once again, he had noticed that the billboard he so often passed had changed once again. While it was difficult to read in the unrelenting snowstorm, he managed to make out the words "DIVING PRACTICES" in big letters. Diving was something that Yuri had also found to be interesting, but could never find the time nor place to practice properly. The pool he went to had no diving boards or excessively deep sections of the pool, so it was hard for Yuri to practice diving. However, this would give him another opportunity to pursue what he wanted to do. He looked down at the bottom of the billboard and saw something that, like the other ad, made his heart drop. The base fee was 7500 Rubles. Yuri knew that it would take another month or two of hard work at the factory to be able to achieve such a high sum of money. The factory was beginning to offer less and less money to Yuri, making life harder on him than it was before. He had to cut back his food money as well to accommodate for this. However, Yuri overcame the hardships in his life and save up just enough money by the end of two months.

The practices were held at another pool not far from the one he already went to, so it was easy for him to practice both swimming and diving at once. He continued to master his swimming skills while also learning how to practice diving. Much like with swimming, however, he had picked up skills quickly, and it only took him another few months before he had mastered diving.

Many people had heard of Yuri at this point. Several news stories across Russia were focused around Yuri, who was considered to be the best swimmer and diver in the whole country. He continued to remain incredibly modest through all of his interviews. "It is only something I am fond of, a hobby" Yuri would say. "I still have a life in the factory that I must attend to every day. It is a hard life, so swimming and diving are what I use to keep myself healthy." Despite his fame and popularity, Yuri did continue to work at the factory day in and day out, receiving little pay and little food for all of his hard work. Despite all of Yuri's hardships, he continued his daily routine of working, swimming, and diving.

For yet another time, Yuri was on his way to the factory. The billboard had changed once again. Yuri anticipated something exciting on the billboard, and he was not disappointed at what he saw. "TRAVEL TO AMERICA TODAY!" read the ad. Yuri was very interested. He had always heard of America, and had heard nothing but positive things about it. The land of the free! It was a very exciting idea to Yuri. However, he knew that with ads like these, he knew they would come at a steep price. Unfortunately, he thought correctly. The boats that traveled to America were advertised as costing 60,000 Rubles.

Yuri knew that that kind of sum would come from only another year or so of hard work at the factory. The factory work had become increasingly more difficult every single day, with little pay, food, and free time. However, he endured the next year the same way he endured the previous years: with swimming and diving. It truly was his passion, and Yuri was not sure on how he would have survived without them.

Finally, the year had passed, and Yuri had finally saved up enough Rubles to be able to ride the boat to America. He climbed aboard the boat with all of his possessions with him, all managing to fit in one small suitcase. The boat was somewhat small in size, being able to house only around 20 or so people. The boat set sail across the cold waters of the ocean. About a day had passed when people had finally recognized Yuri, the famed Russian swimmer and diver. They were all very excited to meet Yuri, and had several questions to ask him about his swimming skills. "It is nothing much, just a passion of mine, that is all. It is something I use to endure the hardships and trials of my life..." Yuri would always respond to his fans.

One day the boat had to make a stop at a small island to fill up the boat's gas supply, for they had much less than they had expected to have. It was a nice, sunny day outside, and the water was said to be very warm. One of the passengers asked Yuri to show off some of his diving techniques to his fans, since they had time to kill before the boat would depart again. "Hey, Yuri! While we wait, could you show us some of your diving skills? I would LOVE to see them!" Yuri was hesitant at first. Another passenger asked, "And maybe once you have done that, could you show us your swimming techniques? The water is warm, and it would make my day to see them!" Yuri replied, "Well... ok, if you all insist I do it."

Yuri looked off the side of the boat. On the bottom of the boat, a balcony extended from the bottom. Yuri feared he might hit the balcony on his dive down, but everyone else assured Yuri that he wouldn't hit it in a million years. Yuri stepped up over the railing, onto the side of the boat. With the same skill that he had used so many times before, he demonstrated his graceful diving skills by performing his favorite dive he knew. His fans watched in amazement as his body twirled through the air beautifully, showing the same amount of skill he put into each of his other dives. As he dove down towards the war waters below, people watched and expected for Yuri to land smoothly in the water.

Unfortunately, Yuri never landed in the water. He landed instead on the solid, hard deck of the boat's balcony below. The impact sounded painful, and all of the spectators winced on pain over his fall. Yuri remained motionless for several seconds, and his fans began to worry. Many people were about to call for medics when Yuri managed to get up slowly. "Are you alright Yuri? That fall looked hard! That must have broken some bones!" Yuri, however, had barely an injury. As he had gotten up, he simply regained his sense of direction. This had amazed several people, as that kind of a fall would have surely broken any other person's bones, if not killed them. Instead, Yuri simply stood up with barely a scratch, and waved back at the row of spectators.

"It is OK, everybody" Yuri yelled back. "I have endured many hardships in my life."

A horse named Boris.

Once upon a time, there was a horse named Boris.

Boris used to be a famous race horse. He'd won countless trophies, and was famous across the world.

Then, suddenly, at the peak of his career, Boris was involved in a horrible accident. Between races his private jet was hijacked and crashed, and only Boris survived. However, Boris was devastated. His friends, his family, and his colleagues had all been lost on one fell swoop.

"I'll never race again!" he vowed.

So Boris quit his job, and found an old farmer who agreed to take him in. Old Farmer John was his name, and he loved Boris like a son.

However, the incident in Boris' past had led him to a life of recluse. He was fearful that everything would go wrong again, and so he spent every day in the barn.

And Old Farmer John took pity on Boris, and so he decided something.

Every week, Old Farmer John would go onto the town to sell his produce. And every week, he would set aside a small amount of money for Boris.

And every week, he would buy Boris a present, in the hope that one day, he'd be reminded of the wonderful life outside the barn, and he'd be happy again.

One thing he bought Boris was a CD player.

Another was a brand new computer..

But the best thing he ever gave to Boris was this:

Ten gallons of beer.

Let me explain.

On his many trips to town, Old Farmer John would pass a pub. It was called The Fine Race Horse, and among those who drank there, it was famed for having the best beer... In the world.

But it was only a small pub, and as such it wasn't visited by very many people, and it one day went out of business.

And when Old Farmer John heard this, he immediately got up and went into town, and spoke to the old owner. And John agreed to buy all his remaining beer.

And so, John came back from town one day, and gave Boris the beer. He'd never seen Boris so happy. It made his heart rejoice.

And for months, Boris would talk about this beer, and how it was the best gift he'd ever been given.

But one day, Old Farmer John came home with a brand new guitar. And Boris remembered the CD player he'd been given, and he remembered his favourite songs.

And Boris picked up the guitar, and he began to play a song.

And he was __good__.

And after hearing his song, John went over to Boris and said

"that was the best thing I've ever heard. You should go out into town and see the record company about starting a band!"

At first, Boris was hesitant. But eventually, he decided that Old Farmer John was right. He'd been his barn for so long. But now it was time for him to rise to fame again!

So he packed a few things, and grabbed his guitar and got on the next bus into town.

And on the way, he met a pig.

The pig's name was David, and David could play the drums.

And just like Boris, David the pig was on his way into town trying to make his name as a musician.

So Boris said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're both animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And David agreed, and the two of them continued on into town.

At the next stop, a Hen got onto the bus. And her name was Sophie, and Sophie liked to sing.

She knew all the words to all the songs in the world.

And so, Boris the Horse and David the Pig went over to Sophie the Hen and said

"hey, why don't we team up and make a band, after all, we're all animals with a talent. We could be the next big thing!"

And Sophie agreed, and the three of them went to the record store, and started their band.

And they were an instant hit. They became a worldwide phenomenon almost overnight. They scored TV deals and sponsorships, and once again Boris had reached the life of fame.

They toured with all sorts of other famous bands, appearing alongside the likes of The Rolling Stones and Electric Light Orchestra.

And then, one day, they got the biggest deal of their lives.

They got invited to go on a world tour. They would play their music in every country on earth. By the time they were done, the whole world would know their name.

And so, of they went, from one country to the next, playing their music every step of the way.

They played in every city and in every town. And the Horse, the Hen and the Pig became a household name.

And when they got back home, they knew, they had reached the peak of their careers.

And they kept touring, playing in many countries across the globe.

But one day, everything changed.

One day, before they were set to fly out for their next performance, Boris received a phone call from the hospital in his home town.

And he found out that Old Farmer John had passed away.

So he decided to head back home so could Bury the man he treated like a father. So he said to Sophie and David

"you go on ahead, I'll be with you in a day or two."

So the pig and the hen went of in their private jet, and Boris the Horse went home to Bury Old Farmer John.

But when he got home, he was in for a shock.

He received a call from his agent, and discovered that the private jet that David and Sophie were on had exploded in a freak accident, and there were no survivors.

And Boris was struck with grief.

For the second time in his life, he had lost everyone he loved.

And he became depressed, and stumbled into his old barn, and decided to take his own life.

But then he saw something that stopped him.

Because in the old barn, was the huge tank that once contained the 10 gallons of beer.

And so, Boris decided that instead of suicide, he would have a few drinks, and would go on and turn his life around.

So Boris goes into town, and sees the pub, The Fine Race Horse, and underneath the sign on the door, he sees another sign, saying "grand re-opening."

And Boris knows that this is where he will have his beers, and forget all his sorrows, and turn his life around.

And so Boris the Horse enters the bar. And the bartender takes a look at him, and he asks

"why the long face?"

Alabama Pastor

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression." Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

It's a well-known fact that Hitler...

It's a well-known fact that Hitler often consulted astrologists and people involved in the occult to get direction while Germany fought in World War II.

One day he decided to thank his chief astrologer and called him into his office to say, "we've done really well in the war and I'm grateful for your advice. I'm wondering something though, how come you never told me something that would be important to me  like when will I die?"

The astrologer said "Mein Fuhrer, you never asked."

Hitler says "I'm asking you now, do you know the day I'm going to die?"

The astrologer says "as a matter of fact I do know the day. You're going to die on a Jewish holiday."

Hitler is shocked, "that's a horrible thing - a Jewish holiday! What Jewish holiday am I going to die on?"

The man says. "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over. "The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me, and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.

The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. "I'm so sorry, but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you. We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge."

"Fine", the woman said with an air of resignation, "but I've never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!"

"Well, I just said the truth!", could be faintly heard from the seat behind.

Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel better as soon as possible, telling her, "Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, whatever you choose, it's on us", she said.

"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for your comfort monkey."

taxi cab

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.

Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.

"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.

The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.

Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.

He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.

He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a blow job. "What? Get out of my cab."

He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.

He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.

And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer from the bartender.

As the bartender goes to get the drink, the bowl of peanuts pipes up, "excellent choice, on the beer! A really great decision."

Thinking he is hearing things, the man goes to the bathroom to wash his face.

On his way there, the juke box yells at him, "a goddamn beer? Horrible choice. Only thing worse is that disgusting excuse for a shirt you're wearing."

Startled, the man rushes into the bathroom to freshen up, then returns to his seat at the bar.

As the bartender brings back his beer, the man says to him, "I think I'm going crazy here. I thought I had the peanuts heaping praise on me here and then the juke box ridiculing me on my way to the bathroom. Did I imagine that?"

The bartender solemnly shook his head. "No, sir. My apologies. The peanuts are complimentary, but the juke box is out of order."

A father is getting his daughter ready for bed...

during her bedtime prayer she said, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandpa." The father found that to be a little weird, but the following day the little girl's grandfather passed away.
The next night at bedtime her prayer was was similar, "bless Mommy, bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." Sure enough the following day, the little girl's grandma passed away.
The following night at bedtime the daughter gave the most terrifying prayer yet, "bless Mommy, bless my brother, goodbye Daddy." That night the father did not get one bit of sleep, and the following day he made every effort possible to be as careful as he could. Thankfully he made it through the day just fine. Arriving home he told his wife what a terrible day he had to which she interrupted him with, "Oh, you think you've had a horrible day? The milkman dropped dead on the front porch this morning!"

Horrible joke

So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.

The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: “I've come for some courage.”

”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well…I…I think I need a heart.”

”Done,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, “I’m told by the American people that I need a brain.”

”Not a problem!” says the Wizard. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

”Ummm,” he says quietly, “is Dorothy around?”

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*

Even as a women, this is funny.

Lady goes to the Doctor, she looks horrible and stressed. The doctor asks "What's wrong?" She replies "Well, my husband has a bad temper and he likes to yell at me." He looks concerned and says "Next time, get a bottle of water and swish some in your mouth until he leaves." So she goes home, and to her demise he starts yelling, so she gets her bottle of water and starts swishing. He leaves the room. She comes back two weeks later looking better and refreshed. "Doctor! It worked! But you have to tell me, what's with the water?" Doctor looks over and says "It's not the water, it's keeping your mouth shut."

Yeah boy. x]

I'm a little drunk right now. But I thought you guys would appreciate this joke I heard when I was a young guy.

There was a man that loved baked beans, but they always gave him horrible gas. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and they eventually married.

A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
He figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg left out in the sun for a week. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like the hammer of Thor crashing to Earth and smelled like a corpse in a outhouse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table started to wilt.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor

A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor. After the husband's check-up, the Dr. ask's the woman if he can have a word with her in his office.

"Certainly Dr. anything for my husband", the woman replies.

The Dr. says, "Your husband is suffering from a very rare and severe disorder, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, he will die".

"Each morning you must fix him a healthy hearty breakfast. You must be pleasant and make sure he is in good humor.
For lunch make him a nutricious meal and for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with any chores, as he is probably had a hard day. Don't discuss any of your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse."
The Dr. continues to say, "Do all of these things and he should continue to live a happy healthy life for 15 to 20 yrs".

The wife takes all this into consideration and exits the Dr. office.

On the drive home, the husband asked the wife, "What did the doctor have to say to you ?"

She replies, "He said you're going to die."

A pastor said to his congregation

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am deeply embarrassed and do not intend to accept this slur on my character.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness in front of this congregation."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde (with a body that could stop a runaway train) rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding...........

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan,

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Edit:~~The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared !~~

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