Inside Jokes

Contents

Funniest Inside Jokes

Funny Inside Jokes

Why does the blonde have smudges on the inside of her windshield? She needs to drag her finger across the words as she's reading street signs.

Note: I just made this up. However, please tell me if someone else has a similar one.

Whats wet on the inside and hairy on the outside. It starts with 'C', ends with 'T', and has a 'U' and an 'N' in the middle. Coconut.

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter… I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me. I thought to myself, “I really need a new boat.”

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed "What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

I like my women like I like my microwave Hot, clean, and she'll kill any baby I put inside her.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night The police told us to stay inside until they shot him

What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November.

If H20 is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P

I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them.

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

What did the robber say after detonating a bomb inside a bank? EDIT: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

My uncle runs a clinic inside a hotel in Spain He come out late at night to ring people's doorbells.

Because nobody suspects The Spanish Inn Physician

A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same... Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of a Planned Parenthood? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

What’s the worst part about being locked out of your car outside and abortion clinic? Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.

one man six horses. a man was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

What's the difference between a black man and Batman? Batman can go inside a store without Robin

Due to the quarantine... I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days... My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

I swallowed some food coloring. My doctor says I'm OK But I feel like I've dyed a little inside

What’s the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.

Did you hear about the surgeon who branded his initials on a patient's organ? Apparently it was an inside joke

A woman walks by a clothes shop, and spots a nice red dress in the window. She goes inside to inquire:

Woman: Hi. I want to try on that red dress in the window.

Employee: Well, as you wish, but we have changing rooms too.

Why do redditors have so many inside jokes? Because we're too afraid to go outside

Good joke inside Good joke

why do scuba divers go in the water backwards? because if they go forward they would fall inside the boat.

Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle? So that it'll fit inside the box.

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her… I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her. I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

For almost a year I thought I was a man trapped inside a woman's body Then I was born.

You know what jokes are trendy these days ? Inside jokes.

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion... ...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

I like my men like I like my whisky Inside me until I can't remember my name

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once. It was breath taking.

What's worse than locking your keys in you car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coathanger

I let a Jehova's Witness inside the other day and asked him, "what now?"... He replied, "I'm not sure, I've never gotten this far before"

Popular Topics

New Inside Jokes

What do masks and condoms have in common? It's safe to come inside if you're wearing one

What jokes are allowed during quarantine? Inside jokes.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

Since COVID-19 took over, I don’t understand the humor in this subreddit. I guess it’s because every joke is an Inside Joke now!

Why don't comedians like being quarantined? They can only make inside jokes.

I haven't understood a single joke since this quarantine started. They must all be inside jokes.

My Dad has been admitted to hospital with 3 horses living inside him... Doctors have described his condition as "stable".

When I was little I drank all my mom's food coloring... I dyed a little inside

Due to the quarantine.. I'll only tell inside jokes

What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine? Inside jokes

Apparently the CDC is even limiting JOKES now? The CDC put out humor guidelines today asking Americans to limit themselves to only telling inside jokes

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm? I said lukewarm

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!” To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly inside the house I told her it was because I felt like someone was listening to us.

She laughed...

I laughed....

Alexa laughed....

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins I was about to run straight inside to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden

Women are like swimming pools. They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman’s body Then I was born.

What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Ft. Knox? Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present. You can say ....it’s a gift.

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells... Does that make them shotgun snails?

I was watering the plants when my wife said "Can you come inside and unlock your phone after you're done watering the plants? There's something I need to see." I have been watering the plants for the last four days.

Why do cannibals like pregnant women? Because there’s a surprise inside

Something inside me tells me my girlfriend..... ... is a transsexual

After Generation Z, the next generation should be called generation AA It would fit even better because they will be the generation to grow up with batteries inside everything.

Is my Thai girlfriend a trap? Some deep inside me says yes

It doesn't matter if you're black, white, old, young, tall, short or even if you're from another country. It's what's INSIDE that counts! I love you refrigerator!

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant what’s on the outside? K9P

Was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm. She asked how warm is it inside. I replied Lukewarm.

Hey girl are you a cave in Thailand? Cause I wanna leave some kids inside you

I found my first grey pubic hair today. It wouldn't have bothered me but it was inside my Big Mac.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

Today I Failed my Biology Test. One of the questions asked. “What are normally found inside cells?”

Apparently, ‘Black People’ was not the correct answer.

If I had a penny for every time a girl asked me out.. I’d have 5 cents.

She said if I came back inside her house a sixth time she would call the cops.

Do you have Gold, Titanium, sulfur, and Carbon inside you? If yes. Then you're

Au Ti S Ti C

What is it called when too many people pass gas inside of a mine? An excess stench hole crisis.

I have come to the realization that I am, in fact, a man trapped inside a woman's body… In retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have put the lube next to the glue…

People think I’m weird because I swallowed an abacus... It’s what’s inside that counts...

I had a happy childhood my Dad would put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill, they were Goodyears.

Are you a school? Cause I wanna shoot kids inside you

Popular Topics

Long Inside Jokes

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries and did research, but found the prices to be too high.

*My daughter is inviting all of her friends, and I'll look bad if I don't put together a good cake*, he thought. Then, he stumbled upon a shop that opened once a year to provide free cake to its customers.

*How quaint,* the father thought, but desperate, he walked inside to see if they could provide a cake for his daughter's birthday.

He was met by a Buddhist monk chanting and lighting incense.

"Hello," the father asked, "I would like to buy a cake."

"Of course," the monk replied, "just draw a picture of the cake you would like on the notepad on the desk."

The father thought this to be weird, but wanting to save as much money as possible, he gave him the address and told him to come in the backdoor, just in case the cake was bad.

The day of the party arrived and the monk visited the house with the most extravagant cake the family had ever seen. All of the guests were in awe, and whispered to each other about how much the cake could have cost.

The monk became the guest of honor and at the end of the party, the father approached the monk and asked,

"Why do you do this for free? You should take money for your services!"

The monk smiled and said, "I do this for free because a cake day is the best way to earn karma."

PART 2 and PART 3 in my profile

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I haven’t put in a time yet.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir, just press the button.”

Me: “OK. What now?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases I usually press the big button beneath Stop/Cancel.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? This is a microwave.”

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Barack and said, "How about you, Mr. Obama ?" Barack replied, "Go right ahead, my wife Michelle doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

I was talking to a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?”

Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?”

Me: “I think it's already on.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.”

Me: “I don’t see that.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?”

Me: “Yes.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.”

Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.”

Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.”

Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?”

Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?”

Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.”

Me: “Ok.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?”

Me: “No. The door popped open.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?”

Me: “No, there’s a burrito.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?”

Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”

Trump and Obama getting haircut is same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barack Obama end up in the same barbershop As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse." The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?" Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdained, points to a sign clearly labelled: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approached and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: **NO JOKES SERVED HERE**

The chicks argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender pointed out the window and said “There’s another bar across the road.”

A man and his family walk into a bar...

Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory". The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true. The child asks "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?" The Native American states "eggs." The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar. Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical "how!" The Native replies "scrambled."

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of the students who was on the plane to see how their plane worked, approached the professor, thanking him for trusting them.

To which he replies "if my students really made this plane I'm 100% confident this won't even take off"

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop

Donald Trump and Barak Obama end up in the same barbershop
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."
The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"
Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

How Rednecks Get Things Done

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana
inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but
he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They
searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open
every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."


John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."


Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.


The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.


"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."


With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.


Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.


On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.


A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.



The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."


The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.


John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.


Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.


"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."


The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.


They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.


Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.


After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.


John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.


He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.


Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.


Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.


"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."


They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.


John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"


John replies, "There isn't one."

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs a car in heaven to get around. Only you'll be receiving a beat up old Ford Pinto "

Meanwhile the man sees a couple of his old friends receiving their cars.

The first guy had one minor affair during a rough patch in his marriage and was given a nice Toyota Camry. The second guy is granted a brand new Lamborghini for never even thinking about another woman other than his wife.

All of a sudden, inside heaven, the man with the Ford Pinto starts crying. Concerned, his two friends check on him to ask him why he's so sad.

He points to his wife who is riding around on a pair of roller skates.

God notices heaven is getting a bit crowded

So he sits down with St Peter and says
“Look, too many people are getting in. As of tomorrow at 12pm, no one is getting in unless they’ve had a really bad day”

Peter nods, and the next day he sits down at the pearly gates when a man arrives

“Hi sir, welcome to heaven, hey new rules... you’re not allowed in unless you’ve had like a really bad day”

The man doesn’t pause before screaming:
“Bad day? A bad day! Let me tell you about my day. I have suspected my wife of cheating on me for a year now and I decided to come home at lunch and catch her in the act. So I go up to my apartment on the 10th floor and I nearly bust straight in. Anyway she’s lying on the couch, naked and screaming at me! I can’t find the guy anywhere, until I go outside on the balcony and there’s this guy, naked, holding on to the balcony floor. And he’s screaming at me too! Well next thing I go into this rage... I just stomp on his hands and he falls the ten storeys. But at the bottom these branches break his fall, and he starts to get up! He’s alive! So I grab the nearest thing, our fridge, and I haul it out onto the edge of the balcony and lever t over the railing, sending it right at him. I don’t know what happened next though cause I gave myself a heart attack while doing it!”

Peter nods “wow yeah that is rough. In ya come”. The next guy in line walks up, naked

“Hey so yeah, new rules, you have to have had a bad day to get in”

“Well let me tell ya. I was home sick from work and I just got out of the shower. Anyway I walked out onto my balcony of my fifteen floor apartment to get some fresh air. A gust of wind whipped my towel off and I reached out to grab it... but I ended up falling over the edge! Luckily I managed to turn mid-air and grab onto this balcony. So I am hanging there, screaming for someone to help me when this god damn mad man comes running out and starts stamping on my fingers! I then fall ten storeys, but I’m saved! All these branches in these trees at the bottom slowly break my fall. I was just getting my bearings when I look up and a fridge is flying at my face”

Peter nods... perplexed... “wow. Yeah. Okay. That sounds rough, in ya go... next”

This other guy walks up, and Peter says “same as the last two, you’ve had to have had a bad day to get in”

The guy looks at him and goes
“Okay. So imagine this. You’re naked inside a fridge”

A Priest, Rabbi and Atheist walk into a bar and each ask for a drink.

The bartender, saying nothing and looking disdainful, points to a sign clearly labelled: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

Without a fight the Priest, Rabbi and Atheist leave the bar, heads hanging.

The next day a chicken walks in and plops down on the barstool.

Wiping the inside of a glass, the bartender approaches and asks the chicken “Are you part of this joke?”

“Yeah.” the chicken replies.

Again, he points to the sign: NO JOKES SERVED HERE

The chicken argues “Well then how’s a chicken supposed to get his beak wet?”

The bartender moves his pointed finger from the sign to the window.

“There’s another bar across the road.”

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.

Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.

Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.

David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile, he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.

Donald Trump and Barrak Obama end up in the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn into politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Trump was quick to stop him saying "No way buddy, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a damn whorehouse."

The second barber turned to Obama and said "How about you?"

Obama replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

EDIT : damn I didn't think this would get so much attention, and yes I am very well aware that I spelled OhBummer's name incorrectly. AND THANKS FOR THE GOLD KIND STRANGER

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,

"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.

She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

Donald trump and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

​

As they sat there each being worked on by a different barber not a word was spoken the barbers were even afraid to start a conversation for fear it would turn to politics.

​

As the barbers finished their shaves the one who had trump in his chair reached for the aftershave.

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Trump was quick to stop him saying 'no way buddy my wife will smell that and think I’ve been in a damn whorehouse.

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The second barber turned to Obama and said, 'how about you?'

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Obama replied 'go ahead my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.’

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She didn't realize tapping him on the shoulder would make him do this.

A lady in a taxi leaned forward to ask the driver a question. She gently tapped his shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab and nearly hit a bus. He drove over the curb, almost going through a shop window.

For a few moments the inside of the cab was silent. The shaken driver turned and said, "Are you ok? I'm very sorry, but you scared the piss out of me!"

The passenger, very startled at this point, apologizes to the driver and says "I didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could scare some one so bad"

The driver replied "no, no, I'm the one who is sorry, today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for over 20 years!"

A cop is out on patrol, and sees a car parked in the local lover's lane, with the windows all steamed up.

He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.

"What are you up to here, son?"

"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."

"And what's she doing back there?"

"I think she's playing a game on her phone."

"Have you been drinking tonight?"

"No, sir. I'm only twenty."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."

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