Lame Jokes

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Funniest Lame Jokes

Why was the archaeologist sad? Because his career was in ruins^I'm^so^sorry


EDIT: Possibly funnier than this arguably lame joke, click on the "show comment" that scored below the threshold.

EDIT: Never mind. He deleted his comments, sadly.

The last joke my brother made up, before he passed away this week. Him: "If my name was Ella, and I married Darth Vader. My name would be Elevator". Stupid and corny, but it's exactly the kind of lame jokes he would make.

Funny Lame Jokes

Why should you never fight a dinosaur? You'll get jurasskicked!

*Sorry if its lame but my niece just told it and i fell laughing*

What did the sushi say to the bee? WASABI.



Ah, best lame joke ever.

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

Karma is a lame name... They should rename "Karma" to "Creddit"

They also need to rename the "Share" button to "Spreaddit"

While we are at it we might as well rename the "Delete" button to "Shreddit"

But they never will and I just don't Geddit...

Pretty lame I guess depends on how many of you get it. Knock knock

Who's there?

Door mum

Door mum who?

I've come to bargain

My favorite lame joke And God said unto John: Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life.
But john came fifth, and won a toaster.


I know, it's stupid and overused, but it's my favorite...

Drummers always have such lame jokes... I've heard them all like a Zildjian times.

Favorite lame chemistry joke Argon walks into a bar, bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve noble gasses here".

Argon didn't react

There's a great horse joke I'd like to trot out... But it's lame :(

There were two fish in a tank... One fish said to the other "Who's driving this thing?"

(I know its lame but its the joke our dad has been telling us for years and I thought maybe you guys havn't heard it)

My dad told a lame joke today I told him to stop because he never makes funny jokes.
His replay was - I made you didn't I?

I wanted to make a lame pun thread about fish. But its not the right time or plaice.

I went to a lame reggae concert once It was dreadful

My Jewish wife was mad at me for making lame puns, so she punished me by lacing my chocolate coins with LSD. It was a real gelt trip.

Otherwise You might think this is a lame post
but the title says otherwise

What does a trebuchet in a convent and Bruce Lee have in common? They're both nunchuckers.




Yes lame but it's OC

My new thesaurus is terrible Not only that, it’s also terrible.

Sorry for the lame joke but I thought I’d get that in before Father’s Day is over.

Why did the chicken limp across the road? Because it was a lame joke.

Lame joke of the day. Why did the turkey get ejected from the soccer game?

He had tripped a fan.

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The ceremony was pretty lame but the reception was great!

My black friends really enjoy hearing my lame jokes. It's almost like they've never been told dad jokes before...

I had a really lame phrase on my protest sign... I didn't pick it well.

Facebook may not make the lame walk again... But it sure allows the dumb to speak.

Knock knock (Who’s there?)
Mikey
(Mikey who?)
Mikey won’t fit the lock, let me in...

Sorry it’s lame

What do you call a running gag on crutches? A lame joke.

Today, someone told me that, in the next Avengers movie, the Thor Hammer was replaced with a Thor Axe. My first thought was “What kind of lame weapon is an insect abdomen?”

Lame joke: What is a pilot’s favorite type of bagel? Plain

My lame brother and his friends dressed up as european sausages tonight! He's the wurst.

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk but it has certainly caused the dumb to speak

A lame German joke in translation At the doctors office:
-
Did you take my advice and sleep with the window open?
-
Yes, I did.
-
So, did the cough disappear?
-
The only thing that's disappeared is my laptop and my smartphone.

What do you call a lame Greek pun? An Artemiss.

Pikachu evolves into Raichu, what does a lame joke evolves into? Gotchu!

Im not that good at telling lame jokes. they usually just stumble and fall flat.

What do you call someone who tells too many lame dinosaur jokes? I dino-bore! .

I'm sorry.

How did the lame person feel when he was teased by people? He couldn't stand it.

Atoms are all liars... They make up everything!

Credit to wherever my awesomely lame chemistry teacher finds her corny jokes :)

People were screaming at me for showing up drunk to the bar last night. I didn't see at ALL what the big deal was. You show up a little buzzed to take some lame law school exam, and everyone loses their minds.

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New Lame Jokes

What is it called when a zombie makes a lame joke? A groaner.

Here is a miner's life Edit: OMG thanks for the gold and the silver I didn't expect it to blow up

Yeah thats the joke its lame

An old joke The dumb man tells the deaf man that the blind man saw the lame man running after the bald man to pull his hair

Lame joke Egyptian babies donno that one day their daddy is going to become mummy.

Camping gone wrong Germans got fiesty with me recently. they asked me: "why do you fear germans, what did we ever do to you?"

​

Me: Well, you do throw some lame camping experiences.

People made fun of how lame it was when the aliens in 'war of the worlds' died from a plague well look who's laughing now

Redditors are like superheroes without any powers They constantly strive to be paragons of righteousness and protectors of good.
They can often be spotted wearing ridiculous costumes.
And they are all totally lame and unrealistic.

What happens when corn traders in the commodity market indulge in greedy but lame practices to profit? Corny capitalism

Finally, all the lame "2020 vision" jokes are behind us. You could say, they're in hindsight.

My model friend and I used to play D&D all the time until he injured his leg. These days he's a pretty lame guy.

What did Apple name its book of lame jokes? The iRoll.

Why are cripples easy to understand? (Dark) Because they only speak in lame man's terms.


(Sorry)

The three birds. Three birds were flying.
One of the turned left
The other turned right
The third followed them

Sorry for the lame joke.

my girlfriend said she'd love me more if I got maimed in a car crash she said she loved lame jokes

A Lot of Jokes Are Often Lame Nowadays. Doesn't take a blind man to see it, or a deaf man to hear it. Jokes nowadays just can't stand on their own.

Lame joke 101 One day Apple and Samsung walks into a bar and the bar was named Court.

How do we know Rick is British? He is always looking for Morty!

OC, and yeah, it's lame but you can tell it to kids and not get called into a "meeting" when they tell it at school ;)

Did you hear the one about the injured water fowl? It's really a lame duck joke.

Lame Riddle Use these four words in a sentence:

defeat, deduct, defense, detail

answer in comments

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany? Cause it doesn't want to be latte.



Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!

I just rewrote history!!!! ~~History~~

**History**

im so lame omg...

What do you call a lame horse? Elmer

What rhymes with Jon Snow? He doesn't know.


,


Sorry for the lame joke, just made it up.

What do you call feeling bad about watching lame reality TV shows? Survivor guilt.

As an urologist I like telling lame jokes to my patients in the clinic Best part is, they can't say "Cut it out doc!"

Lame joke I made one night. What do you get when you mix a cat and a blender? A visit from the cops.

Why did the Chicken cross the road? To get to your house!!!

Alright, that was a lame joke...here's another:

* Knock, Knock.

* Who's There?

* THE CHICKEN!!!

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Long Lame Jokes

Golden Urinals

So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late.
"So what's the excuse this time," she said.
"Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I swear," he slurred.
"Where?" she asked.
"Uhhh...I can't remember exactly, but wherever it is, they have golden urinals." He then proceed to pass out.
Now, he had given some weird excuses before, but this one was just bizarre, so she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and call around town to find the golden urinal bar. After being hung up on many times, she calls the last bar in town.
"Hello? I know this is going to sound weird, but do you guys have golden urinals?"
The bartender then pulls the phone from his face and shouts, "Hey, Jerry! We found the guy that pissed in your saxophone."

My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the assistant replies.

Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, "What's so Christmassy about him?"

"Well, he can sing Christmas carols," says the assistant.

"Really?"

"Yup," says the assistant. "Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet'll go..."

"Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul..." Chet sings.

"Wow, that's amazing! Does he do any more?"

"Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he'll go..."

"Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Chet sings.

Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, "Does Chet know any more carols?"

"Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes..."

"Awrrk! Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

Cheesy Jokes/ Lame Jokes. They make my day.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

Why did the cookie go to hospital?
Because he was feeling a little crummy.

Why was the mushroom happy?
Because he was a fungi.

How do you organise a party in space?
You planet.

How does the man on the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.

Hear about the Italian chef?
He pasta way.

What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing they just waved.

Did you hear about the movie constipated?
It never came out.

A Jewish bookie was at the races playing the ponies and losing his shirt.

He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.

Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.

Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse.

Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race. He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won.

As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.

The bookie was elated.

He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's next blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he had on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up lame and couldn't even finish the race.

In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was standing. Confronting him, he exclaimed, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost all my money!"

The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You aren't Catholic are you my son?"

"No, I'm Jewish."

"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites."

A lame joke I made up based on an existing joke. Sorry if it's bad.

One day Sean joined a quiz team.

He and his teammates studied really hard for a quiz competition.

On the night of the quiz competition, in the last round, Sean and his team was 1 point behind first place.

However, they had one more question that if answered correctly, would award them with 3 points and the final victory.

It's finally time for the last question:

The quiz master asked the question: "True or False, fish is an existing flavor of the food Spam"

This had the whole team scratching their heads. But no one knew the answer. And thus Sean's team was not able to win the competition.

Sean was gutted that he didn't know the answer and one of his team mate said to him : I'm really sorry, but nobody expected the Spam-fish in quiz, Sean."

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

A woman is fed up with receiving lame birthday presents from her husband...

So, two weeks before her birthday, she tells her husband "You always get me the worst presents when my birthday rolls around. Well, this year had better be different. When I wake up in two weeks, there had better be something in the driveway that will go from O to 200 in less than 60 seconds!"



A week and 6 days pass, and the woman goes to bed, trembling with excitement as she imagines what the her husband has gotten her. The next morning, she wakes up early, and notices her husband is already missing from the bed. So, she rushes downstairs.



Her husband is already at the door, holding it open for her, a wide smile upon his face. She squeals with excitement, runs out the door, straight to the driveway....



Where she finds a bathroom scale, complete with a bow on top.



Their divorce was finalized 3 months later.

Pun request!

So I am making a toast at my sister's wedding in a few weeks and I am hoping you can all help me out. My soon-to-be brother is a big fan of cheesy, lame puns and I would like to run through a list of them in the speech. He is really into dinosaurs and transformers, so I was wondering if you all would post some groan-inspiring puns in the comments that relate those two topics to weddings and/or becoming family.

I know the pun chains crack me up in comments sections and i'm hoping that even if this is slightly "manufactured" you can all help me write a great speech!

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship...

A sailor was caught AWOL as he tried to sneak on board his ship at about 3 am. The chief petty officer spied him and ordered the sailor to stop. Upon hearing the sailor's lame explanation for his tardiness, the officer ordered the sailor, "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you! The sailor began to pick up the broom and commence performing his charge. As he began to sweep, a tern landed on the broom handle. The sailor yelled at the bird to leave, but it didn't. The lad picked the tern off the broom handle, giving the bird a toss. The bird left, only to return and light once again on the broom handle. The sailor went through the same routine all over again, with the same result. He couldn't get any cleaning done because he can only sweep at the chain once or twice before the blasted bird returns. When morning came, so did the chief petty officer, to check up on his wayward sailor. "What in the heck have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started! What have you to say for yourself, sailor?" barked the chief. "Honest, chief," came the reply, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link!"

Three high ranking military men are eating at a restaurant...

the waitress comes over and two of the men order beers. She asks the third if he would like the same. She notices the 4 stars on his uniform. He replies with the lame pun, " No I *GENERALLY* don't drink beer." He and his buddies all laugh loudly. He says, "Why don't you bring me some choices? Surprise me with a few things." She walks away and rolls her eyes.

She brings him some Coca-Cola. He rather lamely replies again, "No thank you, I *GENERALLY* don't drink Coca-Cola." He and his two buddies all start giggling again. She takes the Coke and walks back.

Now irate, she brings him a cup of coffee. As she places it in front of him, he blurts out, "No thank you, I *GENERALLY* don't drink coffee!" Once again, he and all his buddies burst out in laughter.

No longer holding back due to her respect for the servicemen, the waitress angrily asks, "Just who do you think you think you are?"
The general reaches into his pocket and pulls out a business card and hands it to the waitress. He says, "Just go back there again, you'll know what to bring me." Still very upset as she walks back to the kitchen, she reads the man's business card.

"Gen. Lee Drinkwater

U.S. ARMY "





I just made this joke up sitting on my couch right now. Let me know if you liked it. If you didn't like it, I know that you will let me know in the comments below.

A Brit walks into a bar in Mississippi.

The bartender, taking note of the man's rather non-local appearance, shook his head and handed the man a beer - he didn't want to be at the butt-end of some lame joke.

The other bargoers, however, didn't seem to have the same inclination, and so began pestering the Brit.

"Well lookie here!" said a drunkard. "We dun' gat ourselves uh fan-see shman-see *Ang-low-Sax-tun*!"

"Hey, yew! Ah betcha y'all ain't doin' tew guud after them Yurro-payeans kicked y'all outta that dumb ol' union they gat!" another joined in.

The Brit, rolling his eyes at the locals' lack of understanding, replied: "I do believe you'll find that *we* left the Union of our *own* accord, thank you very much."

"Oh, *sure* y'all did!" a third joined in. "He's lyin', fellers - them Brits ain't got no accordians, that's the French!"

"Ah," the Brit nodded, deciding to play around with the men a little. "I suppose you heard that on your lovely little 'history' channel?"

"Is that s'posed t' be uh jab at us, huh?" the first local retorted. "Ah'll have yew know that we 'ere don't *need* yer fan-see puhblic *ed-yew-cay-shun* t' be smart!"

"Matter uh fact," the second cut in, "we 'ere in Miss'ssippi better at *awll* them thangs y'all Brits do up there in Yer-up!"

"Such as?" the Brit challenged them.

"Well, we gat arselves sum guud ol' futball, and we are *sure* as *heyull* better at it than YEW!" the third local proclaimed.

"We not only invented the *real* football, but we spread it *across the world*," the Brit replied.

"*We* know how to put them blacks in their place!" the second declared.

"Ah, you went and brought a few over to your place just to mess with them?" the Brit chuckled. "How cute. We went and messed with them *on their home continent*. And we colonised the whole damn place, just for good measure."

"I...er...hm...." the first stuttered.

The locals then fell into a quick silence, not quite sure of what else they could claim to fame where the Brit could not. The Brit, meanwhile, realised the whole bar had gone rather quiet; the other locals had started listening in to the conversation with great care, hoping to find some small little piece of information that they could take pride in.

Finally, a fourth local in the back of the bar broke the silence:

"Well, y'all may not think too kindly of it, but ah'll tell y'all this much - me here, and the rest uh mah family, and quite a few of them other fam'lies in this 'ere state, are quite good at bein'...close to each other, if ya know what I mean."

The bar suddenly turned into an uproar of hollering and cheering - finally, something unique to the South!

"Ha ha, that's right, buddy!" said the first local, taking another swig of his beer. "How 'bout that - there ain't no way y'all Brits can out-do our fam'lies in incestual relashunships!"

"Well..." Prince William replied.

A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.

He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram. But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.

‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.

A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window. He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’

The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’

‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow’

A man got sentenced to 1 year in jail

One day when he was serving his time, he heard someone yell 85. Everyone on the cell block laughed. Than someone else yelled 132. Everyone laughs. Some else yells out 237. Everyone he can hear is dying with laughter, but the man couldn’t figure out why. Later that day at lunch he asked another prisoner about the laughing from earlier. The man says” most of us here have been here for a while, we’ve made a list of the jokes we know and labeled them by number so they are easier to tell.” Intrigued by this, the man goes back to his cell after lunch and figured he will give it a try. The man yells out 65. Dead silence, no one laughed. He figured maybe that was a bad joke, so he tries again. 82 the man yelled out. Again no one laughed. Again he thinks that must be a lame joke, so he tries one of the jokes he heard everyone laugh at earlier. So the man yells out 132. But still no on laughs. Frustrated, the man asked his neighbour why no one would laugh when he yells out the jokes. His neighbour says “you know, some people know how to tell a joke, some don’t.”

Heard this one seems kind of old.

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman, Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights...One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette. Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.' The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?' The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . . 'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'.

Lame search

Guy dies of heart attack and goes straight to the line that leads to the gates of heaven. When in there, the guy immediately behind him asks him: hey, what did you die of? He says: oh, I got earlier from work at home, saw some man’s clothes in my house, thought my wife was cheating on me and started searching around the house for her lover, couldn’t find him, got really stressed out in the process, had a heart attack and ended up here. To which the other guy says: dude, had you looked in the fridge we’d both be alive now.

One fine day, in the middle of the night...

*This is a humours verse I've known since I was a kid. I don't know where it came from, and my googling has failed me. If anyone else knows the origin, that would be great!*

One fine day, in the middle of the night,

Two dead men, got up to fight,

One lame man, rang up to call an ambulance,

The ambulance came, with two dead horses pulling it,

They ran over a dead cat, and nearly killed it,

Now the cat's in hospital, with nothing wrong with it.

Admission is free, pay at the door,

We'll give you the best seat, so sit on the floor.

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

The Ghost of the Graveyard

A guy with a hunchback and a guy lame in one leg are lifelong friends. After a night of heavy drinking, they are walking home completely wasted. Suddenly they notice they took a wrong turn. They are next to the graveyard. The guy with the hunchback decides to cross the graveyard as his house is just on the other side. His friend doesn’t want to go with him because he heard that if you cross the graveyard at night, a ghost will appear… They say goodbye and go their own way.

As the guy with the hunchback arrives at the center of the graveyard, a ghost appears out of thin air!

“Wooooo, I am the ghost of the graveyard” the ghost screams. The guy with the hunchback is so terrified that he isn’t able to speak. The ghost looks at the man and says, “What do you have on your back?”. “Hu-hunchback” the man replies. The ghost charges at the man and screams “GIVE IT TO ME!”.

The next day the friends meet again at the pub. The lame guy can’t believe his eyes, his friend is cured of his hunchback! That night, he decides to go the graveyard.

As the lame guy arrives at the centre, a ghost appears out of thin air!

“Wooooo, I am the ghost of the graveyard” the ghost screams. “Hi”, says the man, “I’m lame in one leg, can you cure me please?”. The ghost looks at the man and says, “What do you have on your back?”. “Huh what? Nothing?”, the man replies. “Okay then”, says the ghost, “have a hunchback!”

A joke I made on the spot to my piano teacher

Me: Hey, so by the way, I’m not going to be able to come to practice April 4th, I got a robotics meeting that day (I actually did have that, this wasn’t just added in for me to make the joke)

Piano teacher: Alright, no problem, let me just write that down.

Me, in a stroke of genius: I GUESS ITS A 4/04 ERROR!!! GET IT?

She didn’t understand it since she’s not the best with technology, but I explained it to her and she appreciated it

But now you guys can groan at how lame it is :)

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