A dyslexic man stormed Area 15
Authorities didn't press charges, saying "they felt bad"
They thought a long sentence was the last thing he needed
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your.... Space x.
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
An essay should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything but short enough to keep your attention.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because. It's my way or the Huawei.
My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?' Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "No, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
After 5 long years of studying, a student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting...
"Sir, Sir, I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"
Einstein rolls his eyes, "It's about time"
I yelled "shotgun", long before anyone else, but I still got to sit in the backseat. I hate cops.
“So how long are you in for? ” I asked my cell mate. “Only for a couple of minutes, then I’m usually done” he replied as he carried on thrusting.
What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night? That not all rulers are twelve inches long
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
What do you call a really long metaphor?
It's like, a metafive
PS I made this up myself and I'm really proud of it
Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.
I looked at my bank account and found I could live the rest of my life comfortably without working... ... as long as I die on Thursday.
I called “Shotgun” long before anyone else did, but I had to still sit in the back seat. I hate cops.
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said
"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
Why do pirates take so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they often spend years at C
EDIT: made it more punny
Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
My dentist asked me how long it had been since I flossed I said “you should know that, you were there”.
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
To prevent the spread of germs, people have been told to sneeze into their upper arm. Instead, people have been stockpiling toilet paper. This upholds the long standing belief that too many people don't know their arse from their elbow.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?" He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members. Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!
My girlfriend always takes really long showers after watching movies starring chris pratt I dont know what shes doing in there but it gives me plenty of time to jerk off to chris pratt
What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "I'm lucky to have lived this long despite my dangerous line of work and the frankly displeasing state of healthcare in the 16th century"
As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,
“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”
She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”
“What, not even for coffee??”
Dad joke: So I saw this dude walking around with a long pole. I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter"? He said "Nein, I am ze German... but tell me, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"/
A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.
As a spectator at the last Summer Olympics, I saw a guy walking around carrying a 10 foot long stick...
"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked.
"No," he responded. "I'm a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
During my job interview I was asked: “After a long week how do you normally recharge your batteries” Apparently “through high voltage nipple clamps” wasn’t the answer they were expecting.
It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips So now I only let her do it when it’s my turn to drive
Now that vehicles are driving themselves... It won't be long until a country singer writes a song about their truck leaving them too.
There was a fight between a blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man I just have to ask, how long until we end this senseless violence?
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Evans I am not sure what she is doing inside, but this gives me a lot of time to jerk off to Chris Evans
With self-driving cars it won’t be long before we have country songs where your truck leaves you too.
It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.
During my check-up I asked my doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy live?"
He replied, "I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus right now"
I said, "I don't believe in any of that astrology bullshit doc"
"Neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end You'll go to prison for a very long time.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"
The horse says, "I just realized that I'm a metaphysical concept within a fictional narrative and will cease to exist at the end of this sentence."
My girlfriend accidentally discovered a way to get long lashes instantly By showing a bit of ankles in Saudi Arabia
I was in a long staring contest with the sun. Everything is dark now, dare I say it, I must have won.
I'm in the middle of a long and messy divorce and I've decided that suicide is the only way out… Now all I need to do is talk her into it…
Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks.. So long as they open joint accounts.
Two openings 4 me
I Received a call from a recruitment consultancy.
She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you...!"
I replied : Yes. I know.
There was a long silence and then she said.....
Then I said, I prefer the other one
I've got a pretty long Police record.... It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"
"My husband is such a pig. All I asked for was $100 for the beauty salon..." "He took a long look at me and gave me $300"
A man has been found guilty of overusing commas The judge warned him to expect a very long sentence.
My brother won a prize for staying in a hospital bed for a really long time. He got a trophy.
A joke from my old physics professor..
How Long is a battleship. True or false?
False. How Long is a man from China.