Mean Jokes

Contents

Funniest Mean Jokes

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?” “Sir, do you mean a choir?”

“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to ‘acquire’ a church singing group?”

Funny Mean Jokes

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me a boring nerd.. I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody? That's common sense leaving your body.

Edit: now I know what people mean when they say "RIP inbox".

I just saw my wife walk around with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing. It’s laundry day.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing ...except at a funeral

In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

A girl I met on tinder said "don't even bother talking to me if your height starts with 5" Jokes on her, I'm 4'11

If I spank Dwayne Johnson... does that mean I hit Rock bottom?

Do you know where I can rent a church singing group? Sir,do you mean a choir?

Fine,yes,do you know how much it is to aquire a church singing group?

Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.

Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox.

Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?

Bank robber pulls out gun, points it at the teller... Robber: "Give me all your money or you are GEOGRAPHY!'

Cashier (puzzled) "Did you mean to say "or you're history?"

Robber: "Don't change the subject."

"I'm sorry" and "I apologise" usually mean the same thing ...except at a funeral

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? Steve. Just because he's irrelephant doesn't mean we don't use his name.

In my spare time I like to help blind people. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" generally mean the same thing... ...except at funerals.

Just because nobody complains Doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

I like you, in a plutonic way. "Don't you mean 'platonic'?"

No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.

If the number 666 is considered evil... does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?

Did you hear about Prince? Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement, Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

America is racist When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone



Thanks Frankie Boyle

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!" The man says, "Don't you mean history?"

The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

I believe that it is time for all the world's countries to come together and create one universal currency I mean it's just common cents

'I'm sorry' and "My bad" mean the same thing ... except at a funeral.

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife... Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes? it means that you are flat chested.

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

Q: How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke? A: You mean nerd, not geek. And not joke, but riddle. Proceed.

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass. Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

*burst into doctor's office* ME: I'm no longer canstopetid

DOCTOR: You mean constipated

ME: No I've had a vowel movement

DOCTOR: Get out

I'm sorry and I apologize normally mean the same thing Except at a funeral.

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing... Unless you're at a funeral.

Mugger: Give me all your stuff or you're science! Me: Don't you mean history?

Mugger: Don't try to change the subject!

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him. Judge gave me 30 years.

So I mean who's the real winner here?

I told my therapist that no one understands me... She said, "What do you mean by that?"

What’s the difference between praying in church and praying in a casino? When you pray in a casino you really mean it

If a white lie is a harmless lie that doesn't really matter Then does that mean that black lies matter?

I don't mean to make sweeping generalizations but all brooms are pretty much the same.

Popular Topics

New Mean Jokes

What’s the difference between a church and a casino? When you pray at a casino, you actually mean it

I don’t mean to sound racist... But everyone in the KKK look the same to me.

We cannot allow this year to end Because that will mean admitting that 2021.

Me: How much to buy the singing ensemble? Person: You mean a choir?

Me: Fine, how much to acquire the singing ensemble?

I don’t understand all this hate towards the police... ...I mean they’re an amazing band.

“Take out” could mean food, dating, or murder. If you’re a praying mantis, it means all three at the same time.

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ... The guy is a legend.

I'm moving to Greenwich in a couple months. Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time...

Medusa has to be the sexiest woman in history I mean one glance and you're hard

So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?

The average person is really mean sorry if I didn't make you laugh, I'm not a co***median***

Me: I only got the bear essentials. Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

Next year, I'm moving to Greenwich, England I don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time

A bankrobber walks into a bank... and yells ''NOBODY MOVE, THIS IS A F*CK UP!''

a surprised teller answers ''Don't you mean a stick up?''

''No, I forgot my gun.''

My math teacher called me average How mean is that ?

Two men are discussing a business transaction. Buyer: "How much does it cost to buy a singing ensemble?"

Seller: "You mean a choir?"

Buyer: \**visibly frustrated*\* "Fine, how much does it cost to *acquire* a singing ensemble?"

I dont mean to brag about my drum jokes but um... tsss

I got kicked out of the hospital today Apparently the sign "Stroke patients here" does not mean what I thought it meant.

My son got sent home from school today. It's serious. Apparently he was letting a girl in his class jerk him off. That's going to mean he has to go to another school, which makes three times this year.

I don't think teaching's for him tbqh.

I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick. I mean seriously, how low can you go?

As I ate my hamburger I was told it’s mean to kill cows. What am I supposed to do, eat them alive?

Do both well and actually mean a source of water? Well yes, but actually no.

Qassem Soleimani is so popular today. I mean he just blew up overnight.

A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography!

Teller: Don’t you mean History?

Robber: Don’t change the subject!

If I'm fat but identify as slim Does that mean I am trans slender?

If a knight in Prague dons his armour Does that mean the czech is in the mail!?

How much to buy a singing ensemble? "You mean a choir?"

Fine... how much to **acquire** a singing ensemble?

“I’m sorry” and “my bad” bassicly mean the same thing Unless your at a funeral

A blonde goes up to a priest and asks,"Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?" He replied,"Do you mean a choir?"

She snaps back,"Ok,acquire a church singing group."

It's depressing to hear that a child can drown in just 2 inches of water. I mean it's 2019. Why aren't we using metric yet?

I hate it when people call me average It's really mean

Joseph Stalin should have known Communism wouldn't work. ​

I mean seriously,there were red flags everywhere.

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

Jokes about homosexuals are not funny. I mean come on guys.

My wife said the lake was so pretty. I said it's just like you
She said "aw I'm pretty!"

I said "no I mean large and frigid"


I love my new couch bed.

A father asked his son about his grades... Son: They're underwater.

Father: What do you mean underwater?

Son: They're below 'C' level.

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey. I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

A Roman walks into a bar and orders a martinus, The bartender says "Don’t you mean a Martini?"


The Roman then says "Look,if I want a double I’ll ask for one.

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on you Does that mean they got off on the wrong foot?

If the plural or mouse is mice, and the plural of louse is lice... What does it really mean if my spouse wants to spice things up?

Popular Topics

Long Mean Jokes

An African Lumberjack

An African lumberjack is interviewing for a job at a major logging company. The foreman decides to take a practical route and hands the lumberjack an axe.

"Take a couple swings at that tree over there." The foreman said.

The lumberjack walks over to the tree and fells it in a single chop.

"Holy smokes, you've got quite the arm! You're absolutely hired, but I need to know what you can do. Try your hand at this tree over here." The foreman points out a much larger tree.

One, two swings and the tree crashes to the ground.

"That's incredible!" Cried the foreman. "Wherever did you learn to chop like that?!"

"In the Sahara Forest." Replied the lumberjack.

"Don't you mean the Sahara Desert?" Asked the foreman.

"That's why I'm here."

This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

A woman get cheated by on by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She heard that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decide to go there to consult him. After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reach the top and meet the wise monk.
"I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".
The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he ask:
"Is the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answer. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk look her in the eyes and said "Do you see the problem now?"
The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speak.
"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that".
The monk shake his head "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby photographer came by half an hour later, hoping to make a sale. Mrs. Jacobs answered the door. 'Good morning, ma'am. You don't know me, but I've come to...' 'Oh yes, I know why you're here. Harry told me you'd be coming soon.' 'He did? But I...' 'Come right in! No use wasting time .' 'Very well, then.'

The photographer took out his briefcase and sat down. 'As you may already know, I've made a specialty of babies.' 'Good, I'm glad,' said Mrs. Jacobs. 'That's just what Harry and I were looking for.'

'I usually like to try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed,' said the photographer. 'The living room floor is fun too...you can really spread out.' 'Bathtub? Living room floor? No wonder it never worked for Harry and me.' 'Well, ma'am, none of us can guarantee a perfect one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I think you'll be quite pleased with the results.'

'I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly,' Mrs. Jacobs gasped nervously. 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man must take his time. I'd like to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.' 'Don't I know!' said Mrs. Jacobs.

The photographer pulled out a portfolio of his pictures. 'This one was done on top of a bus in downtown London,' he said, showing Mrs. Jacobs the picture. 'Oh my God!' exclaimed Mrs. Jacobs, tugging on her handkerchief.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with.' He showed Mrs. Jacobs another picture. 'She was difficult?' questioned Mrs. Jacobs. 'Extremely,' said the photographer. 'I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around, four and five deep, just to get a good look.' 'Four and five deep!' Mrs. Jacobs was amazed. 'Yes,' said the photographer. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then, it started getting dark and I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels started nibbling on my equipment. I just packed it all in.'

Mrs. Jacobs leaned forward. 'You mean the squirrels actually chewed on your, um...equipment?' 'Yes, ma'am. Thank God, no real damage was done.

Well, we'll get to work as soon as I set up my tripod.'

'Tripod? ' Mrs. Jacobs looked extremely worried now.

'Of course. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much to big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Ma'am...ma'am...good God, she's fainted!'

My wife came home yesterday...

and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."

I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.

"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her"

To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you"

"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days"

The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?"

"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you"

The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work"

Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.
"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.
"Don't you mean Polio?"
"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."
Not wanting to ruin the mood the girlfriend pulled down his pants and revealed a severely discoloured pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles " the man replied.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
Again, not wanting to ruin the mood, she continued and pulled down his boxers before starting to laugh. Before the man could ask what was wrong the woman wiped a tear from her eye and said, "Wait, let me guess.....Smallcox?"

A bear walks into bar. Bartender asks, “What would you like to drink”? Bear says, “I’ll have a rum and coke...

My Boss: What’s the joke? I don’t get it.
Me: What do you mean you don’t get it? Just think about it.
My Boss: The Bear can talk?
Me: No, that’s not the joke.
My Boss: The Bear can walk into a bar?
Me: No, that’s not the joke either.
My Boss: The Bear likes to drink?
Me: No, you’re overthinking it.
My Boss: Okay can you just explain it to me then?
Me: Of course not that would ruin the joke!

*** Conversation eventually changes topics because my Boss doesn’t care anymore, I leave work a few hours later***

***I go to my boss’s office the next morning***

Me: Hey Boss can I talk to you about something?

My Boss: Yeah sure what is it?

Me: ...and would you mind throwing a few ice cubes in there?” Bartender asks, “Why the long pause?” Bear replies, “I was born with them!”

Anyways, I need a new job so if anyone’s hiring please let me know.

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

A woman gets cheated by her husband.

Devastated, she doesn't know how to continue to live her life. She hears that there's a very wise monk who lives up in a mountain, and decides to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?" "Yes"- she answers. "Do you want another one?" "Sure, please". The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and then slowly speaks. *"I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. And nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed by that".*

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar

.After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.


Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his
table.


After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."


To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

Redneck Divorce

A hillbilly walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for divorce.

Attorney: "May I help you?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces".

Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got about a hundred acres."

Attorney: "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

Hillbilly: "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

Attorney: "I mean, do you have a grudge?"

Hillbilly: "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

Attorney: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

Hillbilly: "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on Sundays."

Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No sir, we both get up about 4:30 in the morning."

Attorney: "Well, is she a nagger or anything?"

Hillbilly: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger. That's why I want this dayvorce."

A woman gets cheated on by her husband...

Distraught, she decides to visit a wise old monk who lives alone up in the mountains.

After a few days of travelling, walking, climbing, she reaches the top and meets the wise monk. "I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him and to take care of him. And now he has left me for a young woman. My life is stolen, and I'm left with nothing. I am so lost and I don't know what to do".

The monk gives her a cookie and asks her to eat it. After she finishes eating, he asks: "Was the cookie delicious?"

"Yes"- she answers.

"Do you want another one?"

"Sure, please".

The monk looks her in the eye and says "Do you see the problem now?"

The woman thinks for a while, and slowly comes to a realization. "It is in human nature to be greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It's never enough. Nothing will be good enough, and nothing lasts forever, everything is impermanence. We should be aware and not be disappointed by our very nature".

The monk shakes his head. "No, I mean you are too fat and you should eat less."

Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.

“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests.

“We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?”

“Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.”

Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.”

“Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.”

“But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks.

“Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.”

John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents
for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond
good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'

Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. "See?"

The officer chuckles kind-heartedly and responds, "Ma'am that's the route number, not the speed limit"

The old lady looks embarrassed, but thanks the officer for the correction anyway.

He looks over to the sweating passenger and says, "Is she alright? She's white as a ghost."

She pats her friend on the knee and says, "Oh she'll be alright soon, sir. We just got off of 195."

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"

True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."

An Irish Lumberjack

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.

The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.

"*Holy smokes!*" Said the Formean. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.

Confused, the Forman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"

"Is that what they call it now?"

A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

.....As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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