Messed Up Jokes

Contents

Funniest Messed Up Jokes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Wife texts husband, "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband replies, "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife sends back 5 minutes later, "Computer is really messed up now."

Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

If I had a dollar for every time I messed up the punchline To get to the other side

Funny Messed Up Jokes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 'Windows frozen; won't open'

Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and *gently* tap edges with hammer'

5 minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'

I think Samsung has messed up with my new phone's shipment. I had booked a Galaxy Note ''S7'', not C4.

The wage gap is sexist, because a woman gets 70 cents for every dollar a man makes... ... then the man is only left with 30 cents. That's messed up.

The police came to my house earlier and said my dog has chased someone on a bike. I said, "You must be joking. My dog hasn't got a bike."



*(Reposted because I completely messed up the punchline in the original post, and have only just realised.)*

I used to hate it when people slightly messed up proverbs... But I guess it's no use crying over spoiled milk.

Mom tells her kid to make his bed... Kid: "Why should I make my bed when it's going to get messed up again?"

Mom: "Why should I feed you when you're going to die anyway?"

Dave got his wife a French maids costume to get her in the mood but it was a complete waste. ​

The house is still messed up as usual.

Two clowns are eating a cannibal One turns to the other and says "I think we messed up the joke"

Today I messed up my signature on a cheque. It isn't a good sign.

I thought of perfect Dad joke while my wife was in labor.. But I messed up the delivery.

I messed up today by sending a picture of my junk to everyone in my contact list. Cost me a fortune in stamps too.

My joke about negligence in the postal service isn't bad but the delivery is messed up

Heroin really messed up my household... All the spoons are missing.

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement? Not enough cement
EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part

Our orchestra teacher told us he’d throw an instrument at us if we messed up. Wow. I can’t believe our teacher is threatening us with violins.

I recently bought a German car, but the navigation system is all messed up. It only gives directions to Poland.

I downloaded corn onto my computer. It messed up the kernel.

Someone somewhere out there is thinking about you and the positive impact you had on their lives. It's not me. I think you're messed up.

I had a joke about midwives... But I messed up the delivery

^^(Thanks to u/salex100s)

I messed up between Jacuzzi and the Yakuza. I’m in hot water now with the Japanese Mafia.

I messed up during a guitar recital. I didn't think it was a big deal, bit it turned out to a A Major mistake...

I messed up while sexting with Kim Jong Un. "Send Nukes"

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package But he messed up the delivery

What's the most messed up trap for Santa? A Nicolas Cage.

Frozen... Text Message from Wife:
Windows frozen. Won't Open.

Husband:
Pour lukewarm water on window. Tap gently with hammer to free windows.

Wife:
Computer really messed up now. Nothing works.

If I find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant... I'm going to kill him with my bear hands!

Memory foam pillows are the worst. As soon as I lay down on them, I start remembering all the things I messed up on during the day.

I stammered over the story of how I got fired from the Pizzeria. I really messed up the delivery.

I'm like a dark joke Not a lot of people like me, but the ones who do are usually just as messed up as I am.

Why didn't God make two Yogi Bears? The second time he messed up and made a Boo-Boo.

Shoutout to the homeless... ...for making change in todays messed up society

Why is Owen Wilson’s nose all messed up? He KaCHOO’ed too hard!

Atouboigrahpy. My life is messed up.

What’s the subreddit for messed up jokes? Like seriously what’s it called I forgot

Popular Topics

New Messed Up Jokes

Damnit! What did the comedian say when they messed up their joke?

Two guys are headed to a friend's house. "Not sure we should go there now. Something messed up happened to him. He needs to let off some steam."

The other friend says while eating a bag of candy

"Choo choo"

If I got $100 for every time I messed up a great opportunity with a question... I would be asking who is giving me the money.

I've worked in a restaurant for a couple of weeks now A customer wanted his steak rare today but I messed up and it was medium.
My boss says that I'll get fired if I make another Misteak

The British intentionally messed up the Middle East after WWI as part of an elaborate head game against the French... The thinking was "anything that psyches Picot"

My children messed up the furniture... when i got home from work i said "Oh how the tables have turned..."

Lol funny ? ???? 1: have you met mama?
2: who’s mama?
1: wait, I messed up, I meant to say “have you met joe?”
2: wait, what?
1: joe mama

Every time I have messed up at work real bad, I just look at my ficus. It gives me strength and courage. It’s a power plant.

I had an uncle who died playing Russian Roulette He messed up though. He accidentally put six bullets in the chamber instead of one

The indicators of the car in front of me are all messed up. It's giving me mixed signal.

The child molestation case at the local high school sure isn't for the faint of heart. I mean, the principal of the whole thing is just so messed up.

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” messed up Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia

Why is Communism messed up? Because there is an I in it.

I’m no peta guy or anything but I do think it’s pretty messed up that they make sweaters out of turtle necks.

My friend said my taste in dark humor is really messed up. I think he's just racist; Pryor, Rock, and Chappelle are legends.

I messed up dinner for my Greek girlfriend I just falafel

I'm so mad at the doctor that messed up my circumcision I'd like to make him pay but my parents warned me not to go off half-cocked.

Today I lost my cool, when this obnoxious, mediterranean exchange student barged into our art class. I was trying to paint the kiwi fruits we had on display for a still life. Really messed up my painting. Nobody expects the spanish in kiwi-session.

A man goes to the doctor Doctor, I need your help!

What's wrong?

My whole body is messed up! It hurts when I touch here, here, here, here.... what do you think is going on?

You have a broken finger

I ordered some pure Iodine-131 online a month ago. They must have messed up, because I received mostly Xenon today.

My barber died just yesterday. It's really messed up... ... I mean, who's going to cut my hair for the funeral?

I used to enjoy the Tremors movies, but anymore, what with the loud screeching and annoying noises, and the whole messed up face thing going on...... I mean seriously, who wants to spend two hours looking at Jamie Kennedy?

I tried making a steak and cheese omelette but I messed up the flip... I guess you can say that I beefed the eggsecution.

The Elves in Lord of The Rings look down upon anyone who is different from them. It's pretty messed up, they're so arrow minded.

I messed up my pancakes this morning and they turned out super thin... They were really crepe-y.

My audio engineer messed up my tracks. He's gonna get a lot of FLAC for it.

A Russian artist was drawing a landscape and he messed up... ...so he had to retrace his steppes.

IAmA teacher, and the other day I messed up by hiring the wrong substitute for my history class. Whoops, wrong sub.

A bar walks into a person... wait guys i messed up

My body clock is really messed up You could say the difference was night and day.

What is the difference between a pet dog and a pet tree? The bark is much quieter and throwing a stick for it to Chase is seriously messed up

Don't know what's messed up, that Neandrathal is an anagram of Netherlands or my spelling ability.

Did you hear about the taxidermist who messed up the award? It was a real catasstrophy!

Adele requested and got a reset/restart on her song at the Grammy because she messed up The Atlanta Falcons would also like to replay the 4th Quarter of the Superbowl

I had trouble making an egg this morning I messed up the whole flipping thing.

You guys wanna hear a messed up joke? ....
Shit I forgot the next line

Somebody messed up my small weighing scale. I was like 0MG!

I messed up my foot pretty bad. The doctors said it would take a while to heel.

The rabbi really messed up that circumcision... It was a total rip-off.

The Most Messed Up Joke Ever It's 1945 and two Jewish kids are sitting on a roof near a chimney. A man walks by and asks "What are you guys doing up there?". The two kids say "Waiting for our parents."

Popular Topics

Long Messed Up Jokes

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second guy misses him.

The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

A deer had a bar. One day, he found the toilet window broken, so he asked the patrons "Who broke the window!?"

A hare responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The hare says: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $500.

A few days later, the window got broken again, so the deer asked "Who broke the window!?"

A squirrel responded "I kinda did..."

The deer asked "What do you mean by "kinda"?"

The squirrel said: "Well, I was taking a dump and after the bear finished his, he took me and tried to wipe his butt, but then he saw I wasn't toilet paper and threw me right out of the window".

The deer fined the bear $1000.

A few days later, the whole toilet got messed up - the fixtures smashed, the toilet broken and bloodied, the window broken, the door scratched, etc. So the deer asked "Who did all this!?"

The hedgehog replied "I kinda did...

The Conductor.

There once was an aspiring young music stundent. His greatest desire in life was to become a worldknown conductor. He spent 8 hours a day in school, practicing most instruments he could find. He already mastered guitar, piano, bass, violin, oboe and flute fairly well. He spent 3 hours a day lsitening to classical music, analyzing it so he could learn to write it himself. At the tender age of 8 he had learned to read notes fluently.

One day, he saw an ad in the local newspaper: "Conducting classes! For beginners and experts!" it said. The boy was thrilled. Finally, he had found a place where he could learn to conduct. So he went to the community center, to room 213, and was greeted by a rather small group spread out in a room with at least 40 chairs in rows. In the front of the room stood an elderly man, looking like he was passing through his eighties. He smiled a warm smile. The boy carefully made his way through the room. He sat down on a chair in the middle row, which was empty. He counted 13 other people in the room, including the elderly teacher. Most of them were older then he was, the oldest looking almost as old as teacher. "Probably pursuing a choldhood dream", the boy thought.

Suddenly, the teacher spoke. "Welcome!" He said. "My name is Tony Stryker, and I will be your teacher in the conducting classes." He smiled that warm smile again. "Let's first of all try out your skills! I will be sitting by this piano" he pointed at an old, battered piano in the corner, "and pla, and you will all conduct me, one by one! No worries now, you're all here to learn!" He once again cracked into that lovely smile. "So, how about we start with you, young lady?"

The lady he had nodded at rose. She was tall, slender, with a hard face. Probably around her thirties. She walked to the front of the room, and stood in front of the piano. The old teacher looked at her. "Whenever you're ready." He said, and smiled. The woman raised her hands, and started moving her right hand in a motion which looked like an anchor: Down, left, right, up. Then she repeated it. She was steady, and looked straight at the man, who played along in her pace. After a while, he stopped. "Good, good!" He said. "Have a seat. Now, how about... Ah, my fellow senior citizen in the back!" He chuckled a little.

The old man rose, and slowly walked to the front of the room, his fedora a little crooked on his broad head. He stood in front of the piano, and raised his hands. They shook, and there was no way of telling if it was of nervousness, or some sort of disease. Maybe both. He then started doing the same motion as the woman had done, only not so steady in pace and a little slower. The teacher played along acordingly. He then said "Great job, really! Thank you." The man did a little bow, then went back to his place.

The teacher looked over the classroom. His eyes landed on the young boy. "How about you, lad?" He said, and smiled. THe boy stumbled a little as he rose, nervous and excited. He made his way to the front of the room, in front of the piano, and started moving his hands. It felt good. He knew what he was doing. He had watched so many concerts, he had memorized every move. He started speeding up the tempo. Faster and faster. Suddenly, the teacher started to look worried, but the boy paid no mind. He was having so much fun. The tempo roose and rose, until suddenly... Silence.

The teacher was bent over the piano. Someone yelled "Call 911!", others rushed to his side. But it was to late. The old man had had a heart attack. THe paramedics said it was fatal, but necessereily caused by something in his environment. Despite that, the boy was devastated. He couldn't help but feel it was somehow his fault. His parents felt so bad for him, they decided to move from the town, to escape all the bad memories. And so, they fled to New York.

They got a small apartment, where they quickly settled in. The boy still was devastated, however. But yet, he still held on to his dream. He was to become a conductor. For years he practised, tried to perfect his pace and his discipline. Eventually, on his 20th birthday, his parents got him the greatest present of all: The chance to conduct the local high schools rendition of "The Phantom of the Opera". He was overjoyed. The very next day, he went to the school, to meet with the orchestra and the cast.

He talked to them, told them his dreams, and befriended them. Then, it was time for rehersal. Granted, the orchestra didn't play so well, and the cast was just high school students after all, but it was all he wanted. They practised hard, and our concuvtor was very pleased with the result. Soon, it was time for the very first show. All the students parents were also, as well as the staff, and some who just wanted to see a cheap musical. The cast was nervous, but seemed to manage it: The orchetra was worse. All the musicians in the orchestra were having minor panic-attacks, and a few were crying. Our conductor gathered them all backstage, and held a pep talk. After it, all the participants felt inspired, and was calm again. Our conductor was pleased, and so the show began.

But something must have happened, because the moment the first song started, the audience flinched. It sounded awful. It was off-beat, different keys, and the wrong songs. The cast messed up their lines, and the tuba player fainted. A few of the parent walked out at that very moment. Our conductor was devastated: He knew it was his fault. He was nothing more than a bad conductor. He ran out of the school, and took the first train, going anywhere.

He rode it to the end station before he realized where he was: Austin, Texas. He looked aroud, and wondered what he should do. He a little money, so he found a cheap hotel, and immedieatly started looking for a job.

He was amazed when the first thing he found in the newspaper read "Assistant needed at Austin Concert Hall! Prior musical studies a must!". He thought about it, and then stood up. It was his dream. So he marched down to the Austin Concert Hall, and did an interview with the director. A few days later, he recieved a phone call in his hotelroom: He was hired.

He worked there for a couple a months, cleaning, tuning instruments, taking care of some legal forms, when all of a sudden the conductor of the orchestra approched him. " heard you wanted to become a conductor." He said. "How would you like to try to conduct our orchestra, just for fun?" Our conductor was stunned. He didn't know what to say. Of course he did, but who knew what could happen? He said to himself that nothing bad could happen, and told the chief conductor that he would love to try. But still, he walked with heavy steps towards the hall.

Inside, the whole orchestra was assembled on stage. Flutes, Violins, Cellos, Harps, Oboes and percussions, all in one place. It was beautifull. Put conductor stepped up to the stage, and onto the conductors podium... And gripped the Conductors baton. "Okay, guys..." He said, shakingly, "Let's... Let's play Mozart's 5th." He starte moving the baton, and it was glorious. usic was all around him, and he lost himself in it. However, as he lost himself, he also lost grip of the baton. It flew out of his hand, and straight into the mouth of one of the violin players.

She died immediately. Our conductor was charged with manslaughter, and taken to prison. He was sentanced to death, by the electric chair. They gave him his last meal, a last prayer, and put him in the chair. They strapped him up, put water on his forehead, and put on the headpiece. And then, they pulled the switch.

Nothing happened. The staff checked all the wires, all circuits, and tried again. Still nothing. They called in an electrician, who looked at the chair, and stated that nothing was wrong, that it should work properly. Once again, they tried. Nothing. Not so much as a twitch. After a few hours, the director of the prison walked up to the sentanced man and asked "Why won't you die? What is wrong you?!". Our protagonist looked at the director, and said in a tired voice "I suppose I'm just a poor conductor."

Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach class in time.

So he agreed.

The two students, dedicated to getting a good score on their exam after a week of partying, spend the entire day cramming down every last possible detail of their class. When they come in the next day, the professor tells them that they'll need to take the exam in separate classrooms. Perplexed by this, the students nevertheless agree and sit down, each in their own classroom.

"For 5 points, describe the structure of the atom and all its properties." was the first question. The students, after seeing this, regain their confidence and think that this exam will be a piece of cake. After they write out all they know about the atom, they turn the page.

"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager

A horse begins learning the guitar as a teenager. He was dealing with depression at the time, and learning an instrument was exactly what he needed to help him cope. You see, he didn't know it, but he had bi-polar depression. This means it was a chemical thing; he couldn't get out of it easily. So the horse realizes he is beginning to get good at the guitar. He starts learning his favorite songs, and it gets to the point that his friends encourage him to start playing live. So he starts playing guitar at various clubs, performing covers of The Strokes and Radiohead. His favorite song to cover was Beck's "Loser". Eventually, he got bored of playing alone. He felt limited by his instrument. He recruited his friends to form a band; a chicken that played bass, a pig that played drums, and a cow that sang. Now they had a full band, and they called themselves "The Animals". They began practicing in the horse's garage, and they began writing their own songs. After a couple years playing gigs in the local bars, they meet the Lamb, who had some basic recording equipment. He helps them cut a few demos, and he sends them around to the minor labels. They get picked up by Barnyard Records, and they began recording an album. It gets released, and it becomes popular in the musical underground. However, the Horse began getting cocky. He started drinking, and he began verbally abusing members of the band when they messed up during rehearsals. Eventually, the rest of the band had enough and asked him to leave. Feeling betrayed by his own friends, yet guilty for having caused his own suffering, he heads to the bar to drink his problems away. The horse enters the bar, and the bartender asks "why the long face?"

*CORPORATE JOKE*

Agency: " Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements. How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts department.

2. If they are recounting the bricks, put them in Auditing.

3. If they messed up the whole room with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

4. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.

5. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

6. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

7. If they broke the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

8. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

9. If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

10. If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning. And...

12. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a young attractive woman on a train

A German, an Austrian, a nun and a attractive woman sit on a train. The lights in their car are broken so in every tunnel it gets really dark.

The train drives through a tunnel, it gets dark and suddenly you hear a slap and someone cries out in pain. When it gets bright again its obvious that the Austrian was slapped in the face.

The nun thinks: Well he tried to grope the young woman, so she slapped him.

The young woman thinks: He tried to grope me but messed up and touched the nun, who slapped him.

The Austrian thinks: That german guy tried to grope the woman and she tried to slap him, missed and hit me.

The German thinks: In the next tunnel ill hit him again.

Hiring Process

HR staff: " Sir, we found 3 candidates that meet our general requirements, now how do you want their placements sir?"

HR Director : "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:-

1) If they are counting the bricks, Put them in Accounts dept.

2) If they are re-counting the bricks, Put them in Auditing.

3) If they have messed up the whole room with the bricks, Put them in Technical /Engineering.

4) If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, Put them in Planning.

5) If they are throwing the bricks at each other, Put them in Operations.

6) If they are sleeping, Put them in Security.

7) If they have broken the bricks into pieces, Put them in Information Technology.

8) If they are sitting idle, Put them in Human Resources.

9) If they say they have tried different combinations yet not a single brick has been moved, Put them in Sales.

10) If they have already left for the day, Put them in Marketing.

11) If they are staring out of the window, Put them in Strategic Planning.

And.......

12) If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been touched, Congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers.

She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says, "when I was young I contracted kneesles."
She says, "you mean measles."
He says, "no, I actually got kneesles."
She shrugs and continues undressing.
When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says, "shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio."
She says, "you mean polio?"
He says, "no, I got toelio."
She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts.
She looks again and says, "don't tell me - smallcox?"

I met a time traveler today

Something strange happened to me this morning. I was walking my dog, when all of a sudden I heard a strange whooshing sound and out of nowhere a guy appeared on the side walk in front of me. He looked like he was in his twenties and was wearing really strange cloths. He was staring at a small technical device in his hands that was unlike anything I have ever seen. Then he looked up and realized that I was looking at him. With a mixture of fear and confusion he approached me.

"Excuse me, this might be a strange question, but could you please tell me what year it is?" he asked.

"Are you a time traveler?" I asked him back.

He nodded. "But please don’t tell anybody. I am in enough trouble as it is. This is my first solo trip and somehow I messed up the calculation for the temporal projection."

"Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me." I assured him. "And the year is 2020. I am sorry for you, that you arrived at such a bad point in time."

His face turned pale and his eyes filled with horror.

"Oh no. This is worse than I expected". His voice started to crack.

"2020, is this before or after the eruption of the Yellowstone Supervolcano?"

Please stop

A guy jumps a car on a bike and crashes hard. doctors amputate both his legs.Being the daredevil that he is he jumps his wheelchair over a bus and again crashes even harder. He's so messed up now the doctors have to do a full body amputation.His family plead with him to stop while he's ahead.

How To Translate Work Emails

I have a question. = I have 18 questions.

I’ll look into it. = I’ve already forgotten about it.

I tried my best. = I did the bare minimum.

Happy to discuss further. = Don’t ask me about this again.

No worries. = You really messed up this time.

Take care. = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.

Cheers! = I have no respect for you or myself!

A guy walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, anything but Budweiser".

He drinks his beer, and again asks for anything but Budweiser.

The Bartender asks,"What's wrong with Budweiser?"

The patron replies, "Oh man, last time I had Budweiser, I got really messed up and blew chunks all night long!"

The Bartender says "Hey man, it's not that bad, we've all been there".

The guy replies "No, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog".

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room

Three pregnant women are knitting sweaters for their babies in the OB waiting room.

The first woman takes a pill out of her purse and says, "I want my baby to have a strong nervous system, so I'm taking a folate pill."

The second takes out a pill and says, "I want my baby to have healthy blood, so I'm taking an iron pill."

The third one takes out a pill and says "This is thalidomide," before taking it.

The other two women look in horror, and ask "WHY?!"

The third one calmly replies, "I messed up the sleeves on this sweater."

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”

“For the second wish I asked for the most beautiful woman in the world,” says the man, “and I got her too.”

“The third wish?”

“The third wish is where I really messed up...” says the man.

“What went wrong?!” says the friend.

“Well,” says the man, “I wished for a giant pumpkin head!”

A man with no arms is looking for a new job

A man with no arms is looking for a new job in the newspaper when he comes across an ad for a Bell-Ringer at the local church. The next day we went down to the church and the doors were closed. So he banged on the door using his head to get the attention of the priest. The priest answers, "Yes sir, can I help you?" The man replies, "I'm here for the bell-ringer job posted in the newspaper." The priest looking befuddled asks, "how do you intend on ringing the bell with no arms?" The man replies, "let me worry about that."

So they walk up to the top of the bell tower and the priest says, "if you can ring this bell, you can have the job." The man takes a running start and wams his head of the bell, making it ring, so the priest gives him the job.

The man has to ring the bell 5 times a day, meaning he walks up 6 flights of stairs, rings the bell, and walks back down. And since he's been doing this for 6 months, his face is all messed up. This one day, he's getting his running start when he trips and falls out of the bell tower to the ground below.

People start to crowd around the man and one woman says, "does anyone know who he is?" Another man picks up his head and says, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

- my favourite joke from pee wee herman

Employee placement 101

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them
in Engineering

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them
in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information
Technology.

h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are
looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.

k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.

l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved,
congratulate them and put them in Top Management.


Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

Bob messed up...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

A boxer loses his sight in a freak accident.

Not being able to compete again, all he can do now is training with his loyal training partner and hitting the bag. Since he can’t see, he is required to remember and move only a certain amount of steps (both forward and backwards) to keep the distance. Suddenly his partner stops the session and the boxer asks why they stopped. His partner says: “we stopped because you messed up the punch line.”

I was once an actor in an action movie.

Me: "Stay back, or I'll kick you!"

Director: "Cut! You messed up, try it again. Aaaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll smack you!"

Director: "Cuuut! Come on, get it correct this time! Aaaand ACTION!"

Me: "Stay back, or I'll pinch you!"

Director: "CUT! That's it, you're fired!"

Me: "Wait, why?"

Director: "Because you keep messing up the punch line!"

Popular Topics