Mitch Hedberg Jokes

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Funniest Mitch Hedberg Jokes

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own. I still do, but I used to too.

Funny Mitch Hedberg Jokes

I'm against picketing.... But I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

I used to copy Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here. I still do, but I used to too...

A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg... I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake

-Mitch Hedberg

I used to like Mitch Hedberg. I still do, but I used to, too.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes. I still do, but I used to too.

I used to like Mitch Hedberg I still do but I used to too. RIP Mitch, we miss you.

My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke "Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."

Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit

You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams! I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.

--RIP Mitch Hedberg

I used to steal jokes from Mitch Hedberg I still do, but I also used to.

When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too.

A joke I made up inspired by Mitch Hedberg. "Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad." "I said, you are one dumb dog."

I'm really good with cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going. - Mitch Hedberg

I was at a job interview... I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.

R.I.P Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians. Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke: I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.

I use to be an alcoholic I still am but I use to be too.


One of my Mitch Hedberg favorites.

I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a girl who would be really pissed if she heard me say that.


From the late, great, Mitch Hedberg. RIP

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg Best joke that's ever been told.

I don’t have a girlfriend But I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

RIP Mitch Hedberg

One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, He said "here's a picture of me when I was younger." I responded "Every picture is of you when you were younger."

-Mitch Hedberg

Breaking news: Mitch Hedberg dead at 48 Has been dead since 37, but is still dead, too.

If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole I'd be making money in a very strange way.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I mean I still do, but I used to, too.

“I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!” “You’ve got both your legs, Frank”

“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)

I tried to walk into Target But I missed. - Mitch Hedberg

Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking It's as hard as it is to start flossing

- Mitch Hedberg

I miss this man every day :(

I've never been booed off stage. I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.

In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.

A severed foot... ...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg

You know the fly was really close to being called a land... Because that's what it does half the time.

RIP Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for 10 days.... ...because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs I still do, but I used to, too.



one of my favorite Mitch Hedberg jokes

What would Mitch Hedberg say if he were alive? Hey man, get me out of this coffin.

This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...

Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.” I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.

I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here for karma I still do, but I used to as well

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too. -Mitch Hedberg.

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New Mitch Hedberg Jokes

I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call my friend Brian.

"Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?"

"No"

"Cool, cause you know me."

-Mitch Hedberg sort of

I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has the Coronavirus?" "No? Cool, ‘cause you know me." (Credit Mitch Hedberg- w/modern twist)

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus? Or a really cool opotamus?

Happy Birthday to the great Mitch Hedberg!

If you want to meet someone who lights up a room... ... just turn your lights off and call the cops ...


(Note: I imagine this as a Mitch Hedberg type of joke)

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on \- Mitch Hedberg.

“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,” "Mitch Hedberg"

parents i have a stepladder. sadly i never knew my real ladder.
from mitch hedberg

I saw a wino eating a bunch of grapes I said "You gotta wait!"

I miss you Mitch Hedberg

Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic

Dammit Otto, you have lupus

One of those doesn't sound right

RIP Mitch Hedberg

I used to listen to old Mitch Hedberg recordings.. I still do, I just used to too.

My girlfriend got crabs... so i bought her a fishnet stocking

-Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target... But I missed.

- Mitch Hedberg RIP.

I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. - Mitch Hedberg

That girls has a nice butt This one guy said, “Look at that girl. She’s got a nice butt.” I said, “Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!”
-Mitch Hedberg

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Long Mitch Hedberg Jokes

What's the difference between a traffic light and a banana?

With a traffic light, green means go, yellow means wait, and red means stop.

But with a banana, green means wait, yellow means go, and red means OH MY GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR BANANA!?!

(courtesy of my 12 yr old)

*EDIT: Ok, so apparently, this is courtesy of my favorite comedian, Mitch Hedberg, who made a funny that my daughter heard somehow in the last week. Also apparently, I need to be a bigger Mitch Hedberg fan because I had never heard this one before.

Mitch Hedberg Joke - Escalators

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an 'escalator temporarily out of order' sign, only 'escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'"
-Mitch Hedberg

So many years after his death, I stayed in room 1401 and remembered how great Mitch Hedberg was.

"The hotel I'm staying in has no 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But people on the 14th floor: You know what floor you're really on. What room are you in? 1401? No, you're not! If you jump out that window, you will die earlier."
— Mitch Hedberg

R.I.P.

Fire exits

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

-Mitch Hedberg

[Remembering] Today is the 10th anniversary of the passing of Mitch Hedberg

Share some of your favorite Hedberg lines! Personally, I quote these ones the most:

"I have not slept for ten days because that would be too long."

"I used to do drugs. I still do. But I used to, too!"

I was at a rock and roll concert...

...and the lead singer came up and said: "how many of you feel human being tonight?"

Then he said: "how many of you feel like animals?"

And everyone cheered after the animals part.

But I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. - Mitch Hedberg

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