I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own. I still do, but I used to too.
A joke I wrote in the style of Mitch Hedberg...
I'm gonna change my name to 'marriage,' man.
That way, all those girls out there can be saving themselves for *me*!
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one.
So I got a cake
My attempt at a Mitch Hedberg joke "Why are people always having their pizzas delivered? Just order them without liver."
Mitch Hedberg R.I.P Buddy I was told to move because I was blocking the fire exit ... as if I wouldn't run if there was a fire ... anything flamable and has legs can't ever block a fire exit
You know what? I'm sick of following my dreams!
I'm just going to ask where they're going, and catch up with them later.
--RIP Mitch Hedberg
When I started doing stand-up, I didn't have a lot of my own material, so I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes I still do, but I used to too.
A joke I made up inspired by Mitch Hedberg. "Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad." "I said, you are one dumb dog."
I'm really good with cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going. - Mitch Hedberg
I was at a job interview...
I was at a job interview and the boss asked me where I saw myself in 5 years and I said celebrating the 5 year anniversary of you asking me this question.
R.I.P Mitch Hedberg
My favorite Mitch Hedberg joke: I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.
I don’t have a girlfriend.
But I do know a girl who would be really pissed if she heard me say that.
From the late, great, Mitch Hedberg. RIP
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. - Mitch Hedberg Best joke that's ever been told.
I don’t have a girlfriend
But I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
RIP Mitch Hedberg
One time, this guy handed me a picture of him,
He said "here's a picture of me when I was younger." I responded "Every picture is of you when you were younger."
If i got a dollar for every Mitch Hedberg joke i stole I'd be making money in a very strange way.
“I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!”
“You’ve got both your legs, Frank”
“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”
-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)
Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking
It's as hard as it is to start flossing
- Mitch Hedberg
I miss this man every day :(
I've never been booed off stage.
I've never been booed off stage! Sure, I've been booed on stage plenty of times... but never off stage.
In honor of Mitch Hedberg. RIP.
You know the fly was really close to being called a land...
Because that's what it does half the time.
RIP Mitch Hedberg
This is a Mitch Hedberg inspired joke So I was moving a refrigerator and I needed some extra strength. Instead of grabbing some Tylenol, I snagged a couple of Altoids instead. Cause I'll admit, I was curious...
Tribute joke to Mitch Hedberg. I went to a farm. They told me, “Everything we raise here is organic.” I hope so! Because I’m not eating a chicken made of rocks.
I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and post them here for karma I still do, but I used to as well
I'm too scared to get tested for Coronavirus
So I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call my friend Brian.
"Brian, do you know anyone who has Coronavirus?"
"Cool, cause you know me."
-Mitch Hedberg sort of
I got the roundabout Coronavirus test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has the Coronavirus?" "No? Cool, ‘cause you know me." (Credit Mitch Hedberg- w/modern twist)
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus?
Or a really cool opotamus?
Happy Birthday to the great Mitch Hedberg!
If you want to meet someone who lights up a room...
... just turn your lights off and call the cops ...
(Note: I imagine this as a Mitch Hedberg type of joke)
“I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others,” "Mitch Hedberg"
Alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having
Dammit Otto, you're an alcoholic
Dammit Otto, you have lupus
One of those doesn't sound right
RIP Mitch Hedberg