Mother's Day Jokes

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Funniest Mother's Day Jokes

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!

Funny Mother's Day Jokes

Tomorrow isn't just mother's day It's son-day as well

For Mother's Day, I bought my mom new beads for her abacus... It’s the little things that count...

My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made.

Moms have Mother's Day and dads have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday.

Mom asked me where I'm taking her to go out to eat for mother's day. I told her, "We already have food in the house".

What did 50 cent's grandma say to him when he gave her a hand woven scarf for mother's day? G u knit?

Mother's have mother's day and father's have father's day. What do male redditors have? -Palm sunday

My Dad got a new Lexus for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he's ever made.

A Mother's Day joke. A recruit at a police academy is asked some difficult questions when it comes to the job. He is asked,

"If you pulled over your mother, and had to arrest her, what would you do?"

The recruit replies, "I'd call for backup"

For all you ladies who didn't use protection this weekend Happy Mother's Day!

Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.

What's the best flower for a boy to give for Mother's day? Son-flowers of course!

My kid asked me what he should get his Mom (my ex) for Mother's Day. I said how about something she can use in the bath? ....like a toaster!

What's the most confusing day in a Mormon home? Mother's Day.

All Moms are like Iron Man Because they're (Fe)male. Happy Mother's Day!

My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages. I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".

What happens once a year and only at a graveyard? Mother's Day for Disney characters.

I bought my wife a kitchen mixer for Christmas and she hasn't opened it yet which is great because I am going to give it to her for Mother's Day.

Shout out to the Kardashians, Who are undoubtedly having a tough time deciding what to get their father for Mother's Day.

Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms out there. And Shaft. Although I hear he is a bad mother...

Mom: So where are you taking me for Mother's day? Me: We have food at home.

Mothers are Selfish I told my mom Happy Mother's Day, but she never responded with Happy Sunday.

For Mother's Day I'd like to share a joke from one of my favorite customers (RIP Bernie)

Bernie: So, what did you get for mother's day?
Me: Nothing
Bernie: Why not?
Me: Because I'm not a mom
Bernie: Well, want to try for next year?

I called the cops and asked them why there were so many police cars in front of the brothel next door. "Sir, we can't tell you about our police operations. Those are confidential."

"Oh my bad, I just wondered whether it was mother's day..."

Last Sunday, on Mother's Day, I realised that it ...wasn't Mother's Day after all, so there's no need to panic.

Mother's day Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.

Greatest Mother's Day advice ever, from my grandmother... You should beat your children everyday. Because if you don't know what they did, they do!

[OC] What do you call the mum with the most kids in the world? Maximum. What do you call a mum with just 1 child? Minimum. What do you call a woman with no kids? Optimum.

Happy mother's day!

I asked my Mom what she wanted for Mother's Day. She said, "Thanks son, but all I want is a bit of caring and looking after." So I put her in a nursing home.

Imagine going from the high life. Blowjobs on demand, people at your beck and call. Suddenly, your paycheck disappears, no one wants to come near. You can't even see your own mother. On mother's Day!. Enough about Prince Andrew. How are you keeping?.

My mom told me I wasn't a failure I appreciated the compliment so much I quit my job and moved in with her... a mother's day gift!

Her opinion changed greatly.

Have you ever had a vaginas around your neck? No? You've never lived!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Labor Day Aka Mother's day 2.0

Happy Mother's Day to my Dad I didn't want to assume his gender

All your mom wants this mother's day is something big and between her lips A smile.

If Mother's Day is for mothers, Father's Day is for fathers, and Valentine's Day is for lovers, what holiday is for single men? Palm Sunday

If there is a Mother's Day and a Father's Day... What about Son-day?

What do they call Mother's Day in Alabama? Date night!

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New Mother's Day Jokes

I came up with a great joke about Harry Potter's uncle Vernon on Mother's Day but I couldn't share it until yesterday. No post on Sunday.

I hope you were all kind to your mother's on Mother's day. Imagine the patience and travail of 9 month's pregnancy then painful labor... And then it's you.

This Mother's Day, Don't be like Shaft. That Shaft was one bad mother.

Had a joke on Mother's day and Oedipus. But couldn't relate to it!

Did you hear about the sale at the spermbank? 50% off for mother's day

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you, Mom. Happy Mother's Day!

Getting to the front page is like getting my dad's love I may never get it, but still I keep trying.

Happy mother's day to all the wonderful mom's who picked both roles in their kids lives :)

For Mother's Day, all my mom wanted was 2 things: a clean house and exotic food. So, we cooked and ate the dog.

What do you do when your mother-in-law comes crawling to your front door? Reload and shoot again.

Happy Mother's day!

In honor of Mother's Day, why do doctors whack newborn babies on the butt? To knock the weenies off the smart ones!

Here's looking at you Mom, from the only gurl of four.

*Mother's day almost here* Mom: So are you taking me out to eat? Me: There's food in the house.

Looking at the Father's day deals, my gf asked why there was never much buzz about Mother's day in the US. Maybe the most hyped days exist to remember the ones who left.

What's the most confusing holiday? Well for Caitlyn Jenner it's Father's Day and Mother's Day

Visited my grandma for mother's day... My uncle Jack walked in while I was there and I greeted him "Hi Jack!" after which grandma said "Whatever you do, don't say that on a plane!"

[Joke Request] A great mother's day joke I can write on a card, give to my mom, and take credit for Example: What did the mama buffalo say to her son when he left for college?

"Bison"

I hope you all had a wonderful Mother's Day today. Just kidding, here's a reminder it's on May 10th.

Oedipus He really outdid himself last mother's day.

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Long Mother's Day Jokes

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

In honor of Mother's Day ... sort of

A woman goes into labor and her husband is her birthing coach. In the delivery room, a doctor shows the two a brand new invention that allows the father to share some of the labor pains, which takes some of the pressure off of the mother. The man agrees. He begins at 20%. "No problem," he tells the doctor, so they turn it up to 40%. The man says "I don't see what the big deal is! Crank it up!" Finally they put him at 80%. The mother has a much easier labor and a gives birth to a baby boy.

Later that day, the man gets a telephone call from one of his neighbors. "It's the damndest thing," the neighbor says. "The mailman just dropped dead on your front doorstep this morning."

Three Jewish Mothers

Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Natalie says "That's nothing. You know my son Joshua? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me!"

Happy Mother’s Day!

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

It's Mother's Day and the whole family has enjoyed a delicious dinner.

As all were done, the mother stands up and as she's about to grab the empty plates, the father asks :

"Honey... what are you doing ?"

Mother : "... Bringing the dishes to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher, what else ?"

Father : "Come on darling, today is Mother's Day ! You'll do that tomorrow !"

Mother's Day

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Family having Specially Planned Dinner on Mother's Day, But the Mother was So Quiet....

Finally, her husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not believing her, he asked again. “No seriously, what’s wrong?”
Finally she said, “Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I had a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”

A Joke My Grandpa Told Us Yesterday at Dinner

An old man and his son are out golfing on Father's Day. The old man tees up for his shot and hits it right down the fairway. His son gets ready to take his swing, and right before his swing, he suddenly stops. He turns to the old man and says, "I don't want to take the shot, my eye site has been getting so bad, I don't think I'll be able to see where the ball lands." The old man says, "Even though I am very old, my eye site is just fine, so I'll spot it for you." Reassured, the son steps up and hits his drive. He turns to the old man and says, "Well, where did it land?" The old man turns and says, "I don't remember."

Happy Mother's Day

Also in honor of Mother's Day

A woman is delivering a child at the hospital. Her husband is there, giving her moral support. Suddenly she screams "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!!" The husband looks at her, chuckles to himself and says, "You know, I wanted to put it in your butt, but you said it would be too painful"

After someone asked me if Cinco de Mayo was on the 8th, I decided to provide this useful guide to US holidays

(Familiarity with the names of the months used in US calendars will be useful)

First, New Year's Day. New Year's Day occurs in Ja-new-ary. This may be different to when you observe New Year's.

Since it's May, we'll move on to a couple of May holidays. Mother's Day and Memorial Day. These both start with the letter 'M' and so does the month of May.

As a close complement, we also have Father's Day and the Fourth of July. These both start with the letter 'F' as does the fine month of February.

Next we have Labor Day. This starts with the letter 'L'. What else starts with the letter 'L'? That's right, the lovely month of Leptember.

There is also Veterans Day. This one is a little trickier. It starts with the letter 'V'. None of the months appear to start with the letter 'V'. But the month of November contains a 'v' and since Veteran's Day does not come at the beginning of November but somewhere in the middle, this is pretty darn close to right. Observant readers may also have noticed that Valentine's Day also starts with a 'V'.

You will probably encounter some other US holidays, but this is probably enough for today.

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