Nasty Jokes

Contents

Funniest Nasty Jokes

Letter from 7 to 6 Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face! Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

High school was really nasty for me. I got bullied a lot, got called names. The school eventually had to call my mom. She just said "he's my son I'll call him whatever I want"

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious. Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

Funny Nasty Jokes

Applying cream I went back to see my doctor today.

I said, "I applied the hemmeroid cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."

"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.

I replied "on the bus."

Gimme your best Mickey Mouse/Disney character joke! Going on a Disney Cruise and need your funniest, raunchiest or most nasty joke involving a Disney character.

Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed of Unless your fetish is humiliation. Then you should be ashamed, you nasty little pervert.

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!

What do Taylor Swift and Avada Kedavra have in common? They'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar.

Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed about. Unless your fetish is being humiliated, then you should be very ashamed, you nasty little pervert.

My mate threw a beer bottle at my head It didn’t break the skin but it left a nasty Brews

I met a homeless duck on the way to work yesterday. We got talking and I asked him how he ended up on the streets... He said it was because of his nasty quack habit.

Organ donation has a nasty double standard when it comes to praise. Some guy donates his kidney, he’s praised as a hero. I donate 5, and I get arrested? Double standards smh

A lawyer walks into the doctor's with a frog on his head... ...The doctor says, "That's a nasty looking growth you've got there."

"I'll say." The frog replies. "It started out as a pimple on my arse!"

The bird flu is pretty nasty Luckily, it's tweetable.

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches. I said, "Fine, suture self."

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article? You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

I heard a knock at the door the other day and when I answered it there was a 6 foot beetle standing there that just punched me straight in the face. Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.

I was walking by the midget prison... ...when suddenly, all the sirens started blaring. After a minute, an escapee was rappelling down the wall while giving me a very nasty look. I thought, "Well that's a little condescending."

I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning... ...wish I had had time to pick her up.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash, but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

This kid that used to pick on me would drink Red Bull and give literally everyone in the entire school a nasty super atomic wedgie, even the teachers! He was certainly a hyperbole

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush... People said that he had one nasty stroke.

A blonde walks into a bar... ...and gets a nasty cut on her forehead.

I met a really bad electrician at the bar last night... At first there were some sparks, but he ended up saying some pretty nasty things to me and I left shocked.

I went back to see my doctor yesterday. I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."


"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.


I said, "On the bus!"

We had a kid in my high school called Diarrhea Dave, and everyone assumed he had a nasty accident. Actually, he was just the only kid in our class who could spell it.

I named my dog dumpster and I've been getting pretty nasty looks when I call for him at the local dog park lately. COME, DUMPSTER!

I ate some Girl Scout Cookies that were way past their expiration date... ...and ended up with a nasty bout of samoanella.

TIL Amedeo Avogadro died of skin cancer. He never got that nasty mol checked.

those damn vegans still drinking water?!?! That's a fish's house, you nasty savages!!

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation. I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

Two guys encounter a dog licking his... Two guys were walking down the street when they came across a dog busily licking his balls. One guy said, "Gee, I wish I could do that!" The other guy replied, "I don't know... That dog's balls look pretty nasty to me!"

Your favorite hostess snack cake? A friend of mine wanted me to choose between Ding Dongs or Ho Hos as my little cake snack...

Looked at her stupid and said “I’d stuff my mouth with a Ding Dong any day before having some nasty Ho Hos”

I was going to give Trump a nasty look... Then i realised he already had one.

Yo momma’s so nasty That when you asked her what’s for dinner, she opened her legs and said “crabs.”

I had to visit a doctor today... I hit my head really hard and gave myself a nasty bump. The doctor was a real quack though, all he told me was to duck next time. Plus I left with a huge bill!

It's Wine Day It's National Wine Day. Not National Whine Day, as I came to realize after receiving dozens of nasty looks throughout the day

Popular Topics

New Nasty Jokes

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we don’t serve nasty vegetables in here.”

The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fungi.”

This one only works if you speak the conversation... Pence and Trump are talking about immigration:

Trump:. And, see, with this giant wall, we'll have less of those nasty immigrants.

Pence:. Fewer.

Trump: shh, it's a bit too soon for that.

I went to see the doctor with a nasty rash on the top of my leg. I told him "the weird thing is when I squeeze the pus out of the pimples, I hear the latest tunes playing"

He said "oh you have a severe case of spotty thigh"

My friend dared me to touch a calendar and I’m doing so, I received a nasty shock. Turns out that’s the current calendar

Old insults Back when I was on the playground , early 60s
If I called someone a butt- licker, there’s gonna be a fight, that’s a nasty insult for a fifth grader...Nowadays, isn’t that a box you check on your Tinder ....

ghost hunters be wary, there's a nasty spirit going around scaring people with a lit match... ...We all need to stop him before he strikes again.

Dave: I got a very nasty reaction to the pubic lice lotion you prescribed me Dave: I got a very nasty reaction to the pubic lice lotion you prescribed me

Dr: Where exactly did you apply it?

Dave: On the train...

Dr: ...

My brother was calling me names and insulting me. So I said, "I would give you a nasty look...but it looks like you already have one."

[Request] Father jokes for when someone's father dies. I don't care how nasty they're, as long as they're funny.

Gordon Ramsay on Kitchen Nightmares is kind of like a prostitute.... A major part of his job involves putting all sorts of awful and nasty things in his mouth!

Sodium and chloride had a nasty fight ... They were charged with a salt.

What do you say of a Nun that never washes her clothes or even bathes?! That she has nasty habits.

I like my women like Hillary Nasty and exposed !

Why could Poe's raven feel so well at the end? It got rid of its nasty quoth.

I saw a dermatologist about a nasty red patch on my skin. I asked if it would get better, but he said he didn’t want to make any rash promises.

A man noticed that his thermometer had come down with a nasty cold. Medicine in hand, he asked the thermometer, "How are you feeling?"

The thermometer responded, "0K."

Popular Topics

Long Nasty Jokes

One day, the President finds a nasty message scribbled with pee on the snowy White House lawn.

He orders the Secret Service to investigate. They come back a few hours later with the results.


"Mr. President, we have bad news and worse news."


"What's the bad news?"


"The urine belongs to the Vice President."


"What could possibly be worse than that?"


"The handwriting belongs to the First Lady."

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'

The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blond was three under par, and had a very nasty
12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.

If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.' The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

Joe Biden: Why did the chicken do the...thing in the...you know the rest.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

AOC: Chickens should not be forced to lay eggs! This is because of corporate greed! Eggs should be able to lay themselves.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

KING DAVID: O Lord, why dost the chicken cross the road? And why art the chicken hawks beset around it? Surely in vain the road is crossed in the sight of any predator.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


Edit: wow I’m so glad you guys are enjoying this, and my first gold!! Thank you!!!

A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet person laying there.

"Hey, buddy!" The guy sat up and looked as wet and cold as he was drunk. "Hey fella, get outta the rain and on the bus."

"I can't", mumbled the drunk, "I don't haff any money."

"Nevermind that, get on the bus", said the driver kindly. So the drunk staggers up the steps and plonks down in the seat across from the driver. He looked so bedraggled and sad that the driver wanted to make him feel at least a little bit happier.

So he says to the drunk, "Hey, buddy, hey watch this!"

He stops the bus and a sour-looking older woman gets on, shaking her umbrella. She deposits her fare, and as she goes past the driver, he says, "Tickle your c#nt with a feather?"

The woman wheels around, "What did you say?!!"

The driver answers, "Typical country weather....Don't you agree?"

The woman is red-faced and embarrassed at what she thought she heard and mumbles yes, she agrees and sits herself well down the back.

The drunk is smiling a bit, so the driver knows its having a positive effect. "Watch this one", he says.

Sure enough, at the next stop another woman gets on. She looks like she's never cracked a smile in her life. As she drops in her fare and starts to move past the driver, he mumbles, "Tickle your snatch with a feather?"

The woman gasps and says,"I beg your pardon?!!"

To which the driver answers, "I said typical nasty weather."

The woman is completely shaken and apologises and agrees, yes the weather is atrocious. Then hurries to her seat.

Now the drunk is chuckling quite freely.

The driver leans over and says to the drunk, "Why don't you do the next one?"

The drunk shakes his head, "No, I'm too dr-dr-drunk." "Nah", says the driver, "you do this one."

So as the bus stops, the drunk pulls himself up straight in the seat, smooths his clothes out and stares straight ahead. His face is a study in concentration. As the lady pays her fare and begins to pass by the drunk, he says in a clear, strong voice, "SCRATCH YER C#NT WITH A STICK?"

The woman, absolutely shocked, turns to the drunk and says, "WHAT did you say to me?!!"

"F#ckin' cold, eh?!"

A man buys a parrot for $2,500

The minute he brings the parrot into his house, the bird starts cussing at him, screaming, yelling and calling him every degrading name in the book.

Day in, day out, all the parrot does is give the poor guy a hard time.

The man tries to be nice, he tries pleading with the parrot, he tries disciplining the bird. Nothing works. The parrot gets worse and worse every day.

One day, the man had enough. During a particularly nasty rant from the parrot, he grabs the bird and shoves it in the freezer. He sits down on the couch for a few minutes to calm down. Finally, he goes to check on his parrot. He takes the bird out of the freezer and it's a new parrot who has nothing but respect and admiration for him.

Day in, day out, the parrot gets nicer and nicer to the man. Finally, he asks the parrot what changed during his 4 minutes in the freezer.

**I saw what happened to the chicken!**

A man was at the bar one night...

He had a few too many when he saw three obese girls come up to the bartender and order some drinks. The man noticed they had strong accents, which grabbed his attention.

The women were there for a while and were quite loud and a bit rude. Feeling rather buzzed, the man looked over to the girls and said "Hi, um, are you girls from Scotland?" One of them spoke up, with a loud, nasty attitude and said "It’s WALES you idiot!!!"

The man apologized with a little slur and said "I'm so sorry, are you Whales from Scotland?’

Biker joke

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that..."

"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this..."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch, I guess."

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

**Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road**
**when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who**
**asked, "Are you okay"?**

**As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with**
**cleavage to die for...**

**"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the**
**car to get a closer look.**

**She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage**
**that nasty scrape on your head."**

**"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like**
**me doing that!"**

**"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have**
**any more scrapes and then treat them properly."**

**Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken**
**and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."**

**We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a**
**couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I**
**feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so**
**I'd better go now."**

**"Don't be silly!", she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't**
**know anything. By the way, where is she?"**

**"Still in the ditch, I guess."**

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.

The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”

What part of the body goes to heaven first?

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.

"Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."

"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"

"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."

"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."

"OK, Billy, what do you think?"

"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."

"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"

Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"

Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions of induction into the order. Before Thomas would be accepted he would need to complete a 3 year probationary period.

During this time, Brother John explained, Thomas would have to strictly adhere to vow of silence and could not communicate in any way with anyone. At the end of each year, Thomas would be allowed to speak only one word. If he passed the 3 year probation satisfactorily, he would be become a full brother of the order.

Thomas, thinking, what is such a small sacrifice for service to the Lord, agreed and began his 3 year probation.

Life is the monastery was calm, and Thomas passed his time with study of the monks and Benedictine order.

Then, about halfway through the first year he ran out of toothpaste. What could he do? He had to suffer with nasty breath and teeth until when the year was up he was allowed to speak his one word for the year:

"Toothpaste" he said. The other brothers understood and brought him some toothpaste.

The second year started well, but he popped a button off his tunic, and it let the cold air of winter in, chilling him to the bone. That was a tough and long winter for Thomas!

Finally the second year was up and his chance to say his one word. Thomas said, "Button." The bothers understood and sewed a new button on his tunic.

During his last year, Thomas thought he was in the home stretch and all would be fine when the buckle on his sandal broke and made a clanking sound whenever he walked. The noise worried Thomas, who was naturally humble and self-conscious.

At last the 3rd year of his probation ended, and he spoke his one word, "Buckle." The bothers understood and fixed the buckle on his sandal.

As it was the end of his probation, Thomas was brought before the council of monks where they reviewed his record.

After some deliberation and whispered discussion, Brother John looked at Thomas and said:

"Well Thomas, we're afraid that you are not a good fit here. We've decided that you have failed your probation."

Thomas was crestfallen. He'd done everything they wanted without error, and took great pleasure in the pious service of the Lord.

Thomas pleaded, "Why?"

Brother John looked at him and said,

"The problem is, all you ever do is complain."

I noticed a nuclear fusion reactor the other day in my backyard.

While in my backyard the other day, I noticed a large gravitationally confined plasma thermo-nuclear fusion reactor. Being an engineer, I saw that it was radiating huge amounts of energy at very high velocity in the form of incredibly high frequency transversely polarized Maxwellian electromagnetic waves. Normally, Maxwellian waves are invisible, but these waves, I could actually see! The frequency was so high, I am certain that the ionizing radiation could cause cancer, not to mention some very nasty radiation burns. However, it was there, and I wanted to put it to good use. So I purchased a condensed matter quantum physics band-gap based electromagnetic-wave-to-electricity transducer. I used the transduced fusion generated electricity to run my computer to type this post. It works really great...except at night. Or when it's cloudy.

[Edit -- Modified title, and inserted into body. Added a couple adjectives.]

[Edit2 -- Added condensed matter, radiation burns and cancer causing. All 100% true! I think it is absolutely amazing that we can actually do this today, and it is even very common.]

Senior Shoplifter

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

"Yes, sir, what do you have to add?"

The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."

A guy asks his girl friend to marry him...

A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."

The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."

The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."
She begins to cry.

"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"

The doctor replies, "Six months."

"So what's the date?" asks the woman.

"April 1st," says the doctor.

The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"


Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."

No greater love

A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store. She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.

When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.

The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”

The judge then asked why she had done it.

She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."

The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.

She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"

The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."

As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.

"Yes, sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honor, she also stole two cans of peas."

A Frenchman, Englishman and a woman on a plane.

There was an Englishman, a Frenchman and a woman sitting together on a plane.

The pilot made an apologetic announcement that the passenger lighting was faulty and may go out for periods of time during their journey.

Right on cue, the lights went out and it was completely dark.
Then there was a kissing sound, followed by the sound of a really loud *SLAP*.

When the lights came back on, the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Frenchman had a nasty red slap mark on his face.

The Frenchman was thinking: "The English fella must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman was thinking: "The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the English fella and got slapped for it."

The English guy was thinking: "This is great. The next time the power goes out, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French guy again."

A knock at the door

Every day, Jim gets two six packs on the way home from work. When he gets home, he sits in his living room until they're gone. One day, just as he's getting to the end of the last beer, he hears a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and sees a six foot tall grasshopper. Before he can say a word, the grasshopper punches him in the face as hard as he's ever been hit! Floored, he can't respond before the grasshopper leaves.

He decides he'd better be in better shape, so the next day he only gets one six pack. Just as he's finishing the last beer, he hears another knock at the door. He gets up to answer it, a bit more wary this time. Not that it does him any good. The six foot tall grasshopper is there again, and this time hits him *twice*, each one as hard as he's ever been hit! Again, the grasshopper leaves before he can do anything.

On the third day, he decides he'd better just skip his beer. He's sitting in his living room, stone cold sober, when he hears a knock at the door. He checks his peephole. It's the grasshopper. But he figures this time he hasn't been drinking and he can take him, so he opens the door. Before he can do anything, the grasshopper knocks him down and kicks him until he can't move. Again, the grasshopper leaves when it's done.

Obviously he's in bad shape after that, so he goes in to see his doctor. He describes what's been going on. The doctor nods knowingly, "Yeah, there's been a pretty nasty bug going around."

The cowboy and his very smart horse (kinda long)

A cowboy is kidnapped by bandits. After taking him back to their hideout, they tell him that they're going to execute him at noon tomorrow. Now, these bandits seem to be pretty nice guys who just happen to be in a nasty line of work, and they ask the cowboy if he has any last requests before he dies. The cowboy simply replies that he'd like to talk to his horse. So the bandits escort the cowboy to where his horse is. The cowboy walks up to the horse, gently takes it by the ear, leans in real close, and whispers something. The horse rears up on its hind legs, lets out a glorious whiny, and gallops away. The bandits shrug their shoulders and solemnly lead the cowboy back inside.

The next morning, the cowboy and the bandits wake up to find the horse has returned, and astride it sits a beautiful woman with scarcely a stitch of clothing on her person. The bandits are awestruck, and stare dumbfounded at the cowboy as he helps the woman down from the saddle and receives a soft embrace and moist kiss on the cheek in return. The bandits say something along the lines of "hey mister, that's a real cool horse you got there. I'll tell you what; since you're such a cool guy, we'll let you live another day. But remember, we really are going to have to kill you." And the cowboy and bandits spend a day of partying, and everybody gets a turn with the woman. But that evening, the bandits tell the cowboy that they really do have to kill him at noon tomorrow. They ask him if he has any last requests, and the cowboy wants to talk to his horse. So the cowboy whispers in the horse's ear, and it gallops off with a grand whiny. Everyone goes to bed, the cowboy and the woman together.

The next morning, however, the horse has returned, this time with a woman several times more beautiful than the previous one, and with even less modesty. The bandits can only drool as the woman slides elegantly down from the saddle and plants a little kiss on the cowboy's chin. So once again, the bandits and the cowboy party the rest of the day, and every gets a turn with the women, occasionally both at the same time. The bandits allow the cowboy to live another day, but remind him that they really do have to kill him at noon tomorrow. But this time, it won't matter how many babes the horse brings back, nor how beautiful they may be. So the cowboy says he'd like to talk to his horse.

One last time, the cowboy bows his head and gently takes the horse by the ear. One last time, the cowboy leans in real close, and for a few moments the cowboy and the horse are as one.

And then the cowboy screams in the horse's ear "A POSSE, YOU IDIOT! I TOLD YOU TO BRING ME A POSSE!"

An idiot walks into a bar

and overhears the patrons in an excited hoo-hah over which among them was the luckiest.

One among them quieted all to say, "I met a beautiful woman last night! Within hours, I took her back to my home and we did the nasty like old chums!"

The crowd applauded and agreed he was luckiest until another protested, "Ain't nothing! My grandpa I haven't met since I was a wee man. The old bugger, bless his soul, just won the lottery, croaked and left the fortune to me!"

The crowd decided this latter man was luckiest! However, the idiot had to interrupt saying, "Fine. Fine. Good. But I'm the luckiest person on God's green earth. Yes I am. I'm six months at a new job and I haven't been impeached."

A man walks into work one morning...

A man walks into work one morning with a nasty black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.

"I got beat up defending my girlfriend's honor."

"Aww, that's sweet," said the receptionist, "what did your girlfriend think?"

"She couldn't believe how hard my wife could hit."

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