Naughty Jokes

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Funniest Naughty Jokes

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition

Funny Naughty Jokes

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Where do naughty rainbows go? Prism

I would like to be Santa Claus He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

A joke from my dad: Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa always so jolly? Cuz he knows where all the naughty girls live.

I am faced with a Christmas dilemma If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I’ll definitely be on the naughty list.

Why does Santa have the best job in the world? He knows where all the naughty girls live

"What's your favourite position?" asked my date. I said, "It's the spider."


She said, "I don't know it."


"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

Why is santa always so happy? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.


Told to me by an old man while buying a box.

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe? I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

Why is Santa always jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Why is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas. Either way, Im getting charcoal.

A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa. "Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.

"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me I was never scared though, I loved disco music

Osama, Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il? Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year.

Why is Santa Claus so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

I like to abuse drugs. Nothing more satisfying than tying up the bottle, smacking it around a bit, and calling it a very naughty pill.

Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list? He needed more coal anyway.

Why does Santa always have a smile on his face? 'Cause He knows where all the naughty girls live

i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat... so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket? Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

A naughty child A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend? Haram bae.

Why is Santa so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Kevin spacey got turn down to play Santa. Apparently they didn’t trust him with the naughty list.

Why is Santa always happy? Because he knows where the naughty girls live.

(a kid told me this one)

Hey Santa? Once you’re done delivering presents, can I have the naughty list?

Why is Santa always jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.

What do you call a naughty football joke? An offensive line

Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list? Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

Hot Lady walks into confession: I’m sorry daddy, I’ve been a very naughty girl.. Father: for the last time, it’s “Forgive me Father for I have sinned!”

"I've been a naughty, naughty girl" she said to me, biting her lower lip, "and I need to be punished" So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

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New Naughty Jokes

In the days of Noah why did God kill all the sinners with the flood? It was naughty cull.

What do you call a naughty lamb dressed up like a skeleton for Halloween? Baaad to the bone.

The beach is very naughty It has crabs

Why is Santa always so jolly Because he knows were al the naughty girls live

Also the reason he says how how how

What did the owner say to his cat after she dressed as a dog? Naughty dog
(Not-a dog)

How do you discipline a naughty cheese? Spank her little Brie-hind

What did the barista say to the naughty monkey? Capuchin! *Nooooo!*

What do you call it, when a kid is afraid of being on the naughty list? Claus trophobia

What the best thing of being a Santa? Santa Know where all the Naughty girls live

My wife was naughty all year and Santa didnt bring her coal. He brought a ball gag, I guess he was listening.

A pyromaniac got a bag of coal for Christmas... Was he naughty or nice?

What are naughty Australians getting for Christmas this year? Charcoal

What do Santa Claus and pop-up ads have in common? They both know there are naughty girls in my area!

The naughty librarian showed me.. The do me decimal system... And I'm all in.

What is a naughty nurse's favorite song? "No Scrubs."

What Type of kids are Santa’s Favorites? Naughty Girls.

What happened to the naughty wire? It was grounded...

What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter? Q: What did the naughty rabbit leave for Easter?

A: Deviled eggs!

Naughty Limerick There was once a man of great fame,


Who thought every beast he could tame.


But deep in his soul,


The man was a troll,


And that's how you just lost the game.

Why was the dog a naughty boy? He was sending unsolicited stick pics.

Do you know why is Santa Clause is jolly all the time? Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Which is a good thing because he only comes once a year.


*Heard this from an old white guy in the sauna today lol.*

Why is santa so jolly on Christmas? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why did Santa go to jail? Several young women came out saying that santa asked them if they were naughty or nice when they were on his lap

Of course Santa is so jolly! He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why’s is Santa always so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Credit to my FedEx delivery guy for this one.

Not sure if someone has said this one but I thought it was funny and maybe worth rehashing.

Where does naughty soup go? To the brothel

Why is Santa Clause such a jolly old man? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

No wonder Santa is so jolly... He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa always so jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls are.

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom? If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy?

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more naughty in bed But now she wants me to give her toys back.

Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list? You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

There's only one thing I want for Chistmas... Santa's list for naughty girls

I don't know why everyone is complaining about gender inequality in the film industry . . . Just the other day I saw *several* movies starring women in a variety of roles, such as a teacher, a pizza delivery girl, and a naughty horse trainer.

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas? They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What drink does Santa give to naughty children? Coala

Santa probably regrets giving coal Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

Why is Santa such a jolly old elf? He knows where the naughty girls live.

Why is Santa Clause always so Jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why is santa claus always happy? Because he knows the addresses of the naughty girls.

(source: My friend who probably found it from the internet)

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Long Naughty Jokes

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.

Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"

It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."

His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."

About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

Naughty Professor

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a whistle and jumped out the window quickly.

The woman opened up, and found Kevin's horse standing by the door.

"It's raining heavily outside. I came to tell Kevin that I'll be waiting for him in the living room", said the horse.

(Translated from Chinese)

Edit: My account was registered a long time ago, back then I was in high school, naughty and undisciplined. Sorry if my username offends you. Maybe I'll abandon this account later and create a new one.

Some funny pick up lines

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in.

If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

Nice legs...what time do they open?

Um…I have a lotta money.

Hey baby, did you just break wind? Cause you're blowing me away.

Hey. Are you a parking ticket? Cause you got fine written all over you

Do you work at subway? Because you just gave me a footlong.

Well here I am. What are your other two wishes?

You smell. Let's shower.

Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.

Why don't you come sit on my lap and talk about whatever pops up.

I wish you were my homework so I could do you on the table.

I'm blind. Can you hold my stick and show me where to go?

Did you get those jeans on sale? Cause at my house they're 100% off.

Excuse me miss, the word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

Let's do math. Add a bed, subtract your clothes, divide your legs and multiply.

You've been a very naughty girl. Now let's go to my room.

I would buy you a drink but I'd be jealous of the glass.

Are you an Advil. Cause I'd like to take you every 2-4 hours.

Baby I wear a size 14 in men shoes.

Do you want to thumb wrestle? Just with our tougues.

If I had a nickel for everytime I saw someone beautiful as you, I'd have 5 cents.

I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down. I'm trying to make your day.

Sure it's just a needle but it moves like a sewing machine.

Is your dress felt? Would you like it to be?

You have something on your behind.... my eyes.

Hey you look familiar. Have I seen you in my bed before?

I'm not saying your a dog or anything but do you want a bone?

Can I write your name on my forehead just in case I forget who's name I'll be screaming tonight and for the rest of the week?

You must be on the color guard cause you make my flag rise.

Is your name Daisy cause I wanna plant you right here?

I fell down and bumped my head when you walked in the room so I need your name and number for insurance purposes.

Naughty Things You Can Say On Thankgiving

1. That's a huge breast!


2. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

3. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in!

4. How long will it take after you stick it in?

5. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

6. I'm in the mood for some dark meat.

7. That's one terrific spread!

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Are you ready for seconds yet?

10. If I don't undo my pants I'm gonna burst!

11. Just wait your turn you'll get some.

12. Don't play with your meat.

13. Do you think you can handle all these people at once?

14. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

15. You still have a little bit on your chin.

16. It's Cool whip/Redi whip time!

So this guy who works in an aquarium

Get summoned by his boss
Who is looking very worried.

And she says to him,
"I've just walked by the dolphin tank,
And they're feeling very amorous -
They're doing all sort of things to each other.
And the trouble is in less than an hour,
We've got three busloads of second graders coming.
We can't have them watching those naughty dolphins
Behaving as if they were in a porno flick.

"Now there is only thing that acts as an anti-aphrodisiac for dolphins,
And that's the meat of baby seagulls.
So I want you to go down to the seashore,
And catch us baby seagulls,
Put them in this bag,
And hurry on back.

"But be careful -
A lion escaped from the zoo this morning.
And although he was heavilly sedated,
He still just might be dangerous.
O.K., get going,
And make it snappy."

So the guy takes a shortcut through the forest to the seashore.
He fills the bag with baby seagulls.
And he's walking back to the forest,
When he sees lion,
And it is lying, across the path,
Directly in front of him.

It's too late to run away,
And the feline does seem so placid.
So summoning up all his courage,
He steps across the lion.

Nothing happens.
And so with much relief, the guy begins to resume his journey
When none of the sudden, the policeman steps aside out of the forest.
He grabs the guy by the arm,
And says to him,
"You're under arrest!"
The guy can't beleave it. He says,
"Tell me officer, what's the charge?"
And the policeman says,

"Transporting young gulls across the staid lion for immoral porpoises!"

3 dogs at a vet

NSFW

3 dogs were waiting at a vet clinic.

Dog1: I was a very naughty boy, I bit everyone I could and even the masters baby, I am here to be put down. What about you guys?

Dog2: Well I was a naughty boy as well, I just can't wait in one place, and I destroy everything in my masters house, I am also here to be put down. What about you Dog3?

Dog3: My master is the sexiest woman alive, and she does yoga regularly in the tightest cutest yoga pants you can imagine. Yesterday she was doing the downward facing dog pose and I just couldn't hold myself back. I rushed her and ravaged her as hard as I could, my claws scratched her badly and I didn't let go for 2 hrs.

Dog1: Oh man, so you are also here to be put down.

Dog3: Naw, just here to clip my claws.

The Art of Singing

One day little Oscar went to visit his grandparents in their new home.

Soon Oscar needed to use the bathroom, so he told his grandma:
"Granny, I really need to piss!"

His gram told him: "Oscar, that's a really naughty expression! Why don't you use a nicer word... like *singing*?"
Oscar nodded.

The following night Oscar had to pee again but he forgot where the bathroom was. So he woke his granddad and told him:
"Grandpa, I really need to... um... *sing*!"

His grandfather answered:

"Alright, alright... just do it quietly in my ear."

A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.

“You can each have one wish,” said the genie. The wife made her wish first “I would like to travel around the world, with my husband,”.

Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, “Well” said the husband, with a naughty look on his face “I wish I can have a younger companion,”.

The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

A man goes to the doctor, and find he only has 12 hours left to live....

He heads home and tells his wife the bad news. She breaks down crying, but then pulls herself together and promises to give him the best night he could possibly hope for.

They go out for dinner at his favorite restaurant, ordering all of his favorite dishes. They then head out for drinks and have a few rounds of the nicest scotch available. After drinks they head back home.

When they get home, the wife puts on his favorite naughty outfit of hers, and they get down to business. They go at it passionately for over an hour, doing all his favorite positions and moves, and collapse exhausted afterwards.

As she is falling asleep, he taps her on the shoulder and says "That was amazing, but I want to keep going, lets do that again."

She smiles and says "Sure thing baby" and they once again go at it. Another hour later, shes starting to fall asleep again.

He taps her on the shoulder again and says "Since this is my last night, can we keep going and do it again?"

She looks at him tiredly and says okay, and they spend the next hour going through all his favorite positions one more time.

Looking at the clock, the man sees its now almost 3 am. He taps her on the shoulder and says "I'm sorry to keep asking but..."

At this point his wife interrupts him and says. "I can't keep doing this! I'm exhausted. Its not like you have to get up in the morning!"

Teacher With Naughty Johnny

Teacher: “Anyone who thinks they are stupid may stand up!”
Nobody stands up
Teacher: “I’m sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a lovemaking session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'd both be tanned".

Is it any wonder that Santa is so jolly?

**He knows where all the naughty girls live...**

Note: Not even remotely OC, I heard this years ago, but I've been surprised that everyone I've shared it with this week had never heard it, so I figured what the heck, I'll post it. So Merry Christmas everyone! Or Happy Holidays. Or Whatever Your Thing Is, may it be a good one!

break it up

A teacher at a primary school sees three children fighting "Timmy! Sally! Jerome! Stop that at once and go see the headmaster!" so the children dust themselves down and trudge off to the headmaster's office. "Well children," said the stern headmaster "Its very naughty to fight and I might have to give you the slipper if you don't tell me what happened. Timmy, tell me why you were fighting" "Coz..I was playing with Sally then Jerome wanted to play too but we didn't want him to" said Timmy, sheepishly. "Well you were very bad Timmy," said the headmaster "but if you can spell 'bad' I'll let you go". "Errr, b-a-d?" said Timmy. The headmaster nodded & pointed to the door. "Why were you fighting, Sally?" bellowed the headmaster. "Dunno sir" mumbled Sally. "Well what you did was wrong. If you can spell 'did' I'll let you go" "d-i-d" replied Sally and the headmaster let her go. "Okay, Jerome, tell me why you were fighting". Jerome stood there, fighting back tears. "Because they wouldn't let me play with them, sir" "Why was that?" asked the headmaster. Jerome blurted out "They said its coz I'm black and I shouldnt be taught with decent, white kids!!!"
"That's racial descrimination!" exclaimed the headmaster "No wonder you feel sad...Now, if you can spell 'racial descrimination'........"

Little Johnny and Babysitter.

Olga,the babysitter was having a tough time to control the naughty Little Johnny and she was finally relieved when he was ready to sleep as she wanted to study for her college majors.

After tucking him in Little Johnny asks " can you please sleep with me till I get sleep ?".

His babysitter replies "NO"

Johnny moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then" the babysitter replies.

Johnny jumps into bed with her and asks "can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Johnny again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the babysitter.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the babysitter leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Johnny replies "It aint my finger either".

The old lady visits the doc with stomach problems...

An old lady in her 70s experiences some difficulty with her stomach and decides to visit the doctor. She tells the doctor that she thinks that she has the farts. The doctor frowns and subjects her to a full examination. After doing many tests, the doctor says, “Mam, congratulations, you are indeed pregnant.” Completely blown away, the old lady replies, “Doctor, you are mad! It is impossible at my age. Are you sure? Do you know how old I am?” The doctor shakes his head. She says, “I am 75!” The doctor excitedly replies, “Mam, I have thoroughly examined you, and I am sure you are pregnant. It is incredible! It is a medical breakthrough! Your story will be front-page news all over the world, and we will rewrite the Guinness Book of Records.” The old lady frowns, “Doctor, you have no idea what you are talking about! Do you know how old my husband is?!”. The doctor shakes his head again. “My husband is 93 years old!” The doctor says “Well, don't you worry. We are going to travel the world with this story. We will make a lot of money because this is indeed a medical breakthrough! Phone your husband immediately.” The doctor hands her the telephone, and she rings up her husband. Her husband answers with a long, “Hallloooo?” The old lady says, “You naughty bugger! Do you know you got me pregnant?” The old husband remained quiet for a minute or so and asked, “Who am I talking to now?”

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

The ministers daughter

The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment.  She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind.  When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

"What's the matter?  I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.

"It's too late!" the little girl said.  "I've already prayed for rain."

Who Says Retirees are not Naughty

One Retirees group decided to meet over lunch.

All 15 of them met and had good food, drinks and dessert. Then the bill arrived. All 15 of them rushed to grab the bill for payment. There was a scene with everyone fighting to take the bill.

The Hotel Manager saw this and appreciated the love and good intention of each to pay bill.

Finally one among 15 said "The bill has to be paid, but everyone wants to pay it. No one wants the other to pay. So we shall organize a race. All must take a round of hotel premises and whoever comes first to the counter, shall pay the bill.'

The manager was amazed to see such a decent & generous group wanting to pay the bill. Manager said he can blow the whistle and all can run around hotel. Whoever comes first shall pay the Bill.

Today is the 3rd day and no one has reached the counter!

Radio Contest...

A radio station is having a call-in contest where callers are asked to come up with a word that's not a "real" word - not in the dictionary - but can still be used in a logical sentence. The person with the best answer gets a gift certificate & bumper sticker for the station.


A caller calls in and is asked for his fake word. He says, "GOAN... G, O, A N." They check and the host says, "Right, GOAN is not in the dictionary. Use it in a sentence."


Caller says, "Hey, why don't you GOAN f--- yourself." Well, they're on a 6-second delay like most call-in shows are, so they hit the "dump" button and fortunately the naughty word doesn't get on the air.


After a commercial, they take another call. "What's your word?" The caller says, "SMEE... S, M, E, E." They check - yep, no such word. "Good job, and now what's your sentence?"


"Hey, it SMEE again, why don't you GOAN f--- yourself!?"

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