A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.
Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."
The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian."
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian."
God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:
There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly.
The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg.
We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats.
Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them.
We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors.
Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats.
I really don't think we need that many lifeboats.
We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats.
The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship.
Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me,
“You spoil those dogs.”
Just found two lumps on my car battery
Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
I used to smoke pot...
I used to smoke pot and go to class.
Sneak in 10 minutes late with a bullshit excuse.
Slink down low at my desk.
Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
I got in touch with my inner self today... ...that's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
Two Jews walk past a sign outside a church
“Convert to Christianity now, get $100!”
Micha can’t resist such easy money, and enters the church, while Ben decides to wait outside.
After a while, Micha returns, and Ben asks:
“Well? Did you get the 100 dollars?”
Micha scoffs, and says:
“Money! That’s all you Jews think about!”
The Three Babies
An Englishman, Welshman and a Jamaican are in hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.
After much pacing up and down, the nurse emerges from the maternity ward and announces that each are the father to a bouncing baby boy.
“Unfortunately there’s just one small problem” she adds.
“Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and don’t know which baby belongs to which parent. Would you mind identifying them?”.
The three men agree and go into the delivery room to look at the babies.
Immediately the Englishman picks up the black baby. “Yes, this is definitely my baby” he says confidently.
“Er, excuse me” says the Jamaican “but I think it’s obvious that this is my son.”
The Englishman pulls him aside and says, “I see where you’re coming from, mate, but one of these babies is Welsh and I’m not prepared to gamble”.
Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?" The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."
Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod
There are five people in a helicopter: Pope Francis, Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth, and a ten year old schoolgirl.
The pilot informs the group that the helicopter is going to crash and there are only five parachutes for the six of them. He takes one and jumps out.
The Pope stands up. "My religion is what is going to guide people through COVID-19." He takes a parachute and jumps out.
Queen Elizabeth stands up. "I feel like I must continue to be the Queen as long as I can." She takes a parachute and jumps out.
Donald Trump stands up. "As the smartest man in the United States, I need to stay alive to help my country amidst these times." He takes a parachute and jumps out.
Barack Obama stands up. "Little girl, I feel like I've done what I've need to do in my life. You're just getting started." He takes the parachute and gives it to the little school girl.
"Mr. Obama, thank you, but there's two parachutes left. The smartest man in the United States took my backpack."
I asked my friend "whats it like working at a tire factory?" apparently it wears thin after a while
A joke I just made up at work
What is Covid-19's favorite drink?
You may think it's Corona, but in fact it is
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office, wearing only underwear, made of saran wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."
A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said. I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I asked my friend the baker what is the key to being successful in the business and making good bread... ...he said, "you can't just want it, you gotta knead it!"
A mathematician asked me to turn 6 into 9 by subtraction
Me: You mean by addition?
Him: No, by subtraction.
Me: I guess by subtracting negative 3? Idk
Him: You know this world would be a better place if people like you don’t overcomplicate things. Just remove the “S” dumbass
Tell a woman she is beautiful every day and she probably won't remember you having said anything
Call a woman fat once and she will remember that for as long as you live.
Because elephants never forget.
We all heard that saying where if a million monkey banging on a million typewriter will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now thank to the internet we know it’s not true.
I’m not going to bungee jump. I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.
Joe Biden walks into a bar and sees a pretty, young blonde chick. He sits down next to her and says "So, do I come here often?"
While browsing the poultry market, the clerk asked me if I would like try some goose... ...I told him no thanks, I was just gonna take a gander.
A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.
He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"
She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an egg roll?!"
What do you call it when a billboard falls on you?
A bad sign...
(My 12 year old told me this, so proud)
My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother... my uncle on my father's side.
But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.
An American, a German, and a Chinese got arrested consuming alcohol which is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia
So for the terrible crime, they are all sentenced 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik announced:
“It is my first wife’s birthday today, and she would like to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.”
The German was first in line. He thought for a while and then said: “Please tie a pillow to my back.”
His wish was granted, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes & the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Chinese was up next. After watching the German in horror he said smugly, “Please fix two pillows to my back.”
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes & the Chinese was also led away whimpering loudly.
The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
“I like you Americans! For this, you may have two wishes!”
“Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness.” the American replied, “In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes.”
“Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave.” The Sheikh said with a respectful look on his face.
“If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. What is your second wish?” the Sheikh asked.
The American smiled and said, “Tie the Chinese to my back”
I don't think people are taking how deadly Covid-19 is seriously enough. I mean, in China you can die just from talking about it.
Studies show that smoking weed causes two major issues
1. short term memory loss
2. short term memory loss
A man takes his wife to get tested.
Two days later, he gets a call from the lab.
Doctor: I am sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's.
We are not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's disease.
Man: what am I supposed to do?
Doctor: Take her for a long walk and leave her. If she finds her way back home, don't open the door.
Did you guys hear about the chicken farmer who had a tornado go throw the birds' shelter? He's afraid he'll never be able to recoup his losses
Chemistry jokes #3
H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?
I’m trying to find the best chemistry jokes but all the good ones argon
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
The Ski Resort
Three guys go to a ski resort, and when they get there, there is only one bed they all have to share.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the left wakes up and says he had a weird dream of getting a handjob, the guy on the right then wakes up and says the same thing.
The guy in the middle then wakes up and says that’s odd, I dreamt about skiing.
I once had the wildest dream, I was able to fly and when I flew over the oceans I saw they were made up of orange soda... Then I woke up and realized it was a Fanta sea.
Once upon a time there was a great wizard.
His name was Theaddus.
He had helped solve many people's problems.
People rewarded him for his help.
With all this money he had bought many talking items to spend his time with.
On one of his trips he had found the perfect item for a loner like him. A staff made of fir.
It allowed the user to enter into a dream world for some time.
And it was on one such a occasion that a man entered his house asking for help.
The talking objects, who had a strange sense of humour, lied to the man about the whereabouts of the wizard.
The man, after having searched four different places because of them, returned in a rage and shouted. "Just tell me where the wizard is and don't you dare lie!!"
The talking table which knew little english and was more serious than the others, commented, "Theaddus in the fir staff. Not gonna lie!"
A Medical Friend Just Sent Me This Lockdown Update
THE GOVERNMENT WILL BE LIFTING RESTRICTIONS IN PARKS AND BEACHES DURING THE EASTER BREAK.
The Government has announced today that, for the Easter break, certain groups are allowed to go to parks and Beaches and invite friends round for BBQ’s.
IMPORTANT- PLEASE READ
While the majority of the population will remain in lockdown the following groups will be allowed to gather together at parks, beaches and visit each other’s houses.
Anyone not in those groups must follow the guidelines set out by the Governments regarding social distancing.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
Horse replies, "My entire family was just killed in a horrible automobile accident."
I decided I could go outside as long as I stayed 6 feet away from everyone So I went for a nice walk through the cemetery
Two Guys Are Changing At The Gym
One is putting on a pair of lace knickers,
"Since when do you wear womens pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
How would you describe a ninja who is always critical about their own abilities? Stealth-deprecating.
Quarantine is feeling more and more like highschool in the 00's We’re all day dreaming about how to get out of the house, no one has any standards around booz consumption, and emo culture is at an all time high.
"Why is my sister named Jamaica?"
"Because she was conceived during our cruise."
"Oh that's why? Thanks dad, I never knew."
"No problem Quarantine."
What's the difference between a prostitute and an onion? I don't cry while I'm chopping up a prostitute.
A pharmacist arrived to his drugstore when he see a man on the ground moaning lightly.
So the pharmacist goes in his store and ask his assistant if she took care of the guy outside. She explains him that he had a bad cough but there was no more cough mixture.
Pharmacist: What did you tell him?
Assistant: I gave him a bottle of laxative and tell him it was cough mixture and he drank the whole bottle.
Pharmacist: WHAT!? Laxatives won’t help a bad cough!
Assistant: Well since he drank it he doesn’t dare cough anymore.
Two old molecules, silver and oxygen, go to a school reunion. Back then they had a strong bond. But that was a long time AgO
My girlfriend wants to break up because of my procrastination. I asked her to discuss this next week.
All three of a farmers daughters are going on a date tonight. With him being overprotective he decides to meet each boy at the front door with a shotgun.
The first boy says: “Hi my name is eddy and I’m here to eat spaghetti with Betty” The farmer sends them on their way.
The second boy says: “Hi my name is is Tam and I’m here to pan gold with Pam.” The farmer sends them on their way.
The third boy says “Hi my name is chuck and I’m here to..” The farmer shoots him.
I think it's a bit harsh to criticise Trump for trying to ban the export of masks He's just following medical advice and trying to keep 3M away from everyone else
What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded? Stop it, you're making me Hungary!
My friend and I were talking about venomous snakes.
I told him there are two main types of venom: neurotoxin, which affects the nervous system, and hemotoxin, which breaks down cellular walls and damages tissue. Most of the indigenous venomous snakes in the U.S. are part of the second group.
I explained, "It can be deadly if the venom is carried through the bloodstream to the heart."
"Well, how long would it take the venom to get to your heart?", he asked.
"It depends on where you're bitten."
"Well, how about Kansas City?"
Children born in the USA from 2008 to now haven’t had a white president It’s because Obama is black and Trump is orange.
I saw where Sanders withdrew from yet another Presidential race after he worked so hard to get where he was... The Bern out is real
My doctor told me to sing a song while washing my hands I sang American Pie and now my hands are bleeding.
The family history of Jack Schitt
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" So, I just researched about his family history for y'all.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.
I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."
At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book in. Then it was my lunch break, so I stopped by our local bookshop and asked if they had a copy. They did...
So I've just been to the bathroom, filled the washbasin, dropped the book in it, fished it out, and put it in my co-worker's desk drawer still dripping wet.
And here she comes now...
A locksmith came round to my house yesterday I asked him why he was working during quarantine. He said he was key worker
Why are waitresses so promiscuous? Because they're either getting a big tip or feeling shafted
What's the difference between superglue, a tuna, and a piano? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish!
Not saying childbirth isn't painful... But have any of you ever sat on a porcelain toilet seat during winter in Ohio?