New Jokes

An old Jew on his deathbed A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

Some people really like Orion's Belt But I think it's just a big waist of space.

Edit: Sorry for the bad pun, but you gotta give it at least 3 stars.

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” ​

"Because…He’s my newt.

I put all my watches together to make a belt It was a waist of time

I was named after my dad Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

People shouldn’t look down on lazy people. They haven’t done anything!

I never thought my baby daughter would go this far Well, the catapult's fantastic!

I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes Sometimes he laughs.

What's the best way to kill communists? Communism.

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? °***gagging sound***°

What’s 3 words for small Is it in

Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems I bought two

I changed our WiFi password to 2444666668888888! Girlfriend: What's the new password?

Me: 12345678. *She's not done figuring yet.*

“Doc....Will I be OK?” “I’m not sure. Mercury is in Uranus right now.”

“C’mon Doc. You know I don’t do that astrology stuff.”

“Neither do I...but my thermometer broke.”

A man found a genie lamp When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish to not die a virgin

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality

A drill sergeant is yelling at private. “Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!”

The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “

A wizard's company went bankrupt... He had to let his staff go.

Bernie Sanders: "If you are a student in debt... ...You are not a loan!"

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale. **BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

What does the coronavirus and fight club have in common? In China, the first rule is not to talk about it

Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Buddhism is opposed to our always-on, technologically driven lives. It’s not the emails that are the problem. It’s the attachments.

What's the least likely profession for a trans person? Mail man.

Whats difference between a gynecologist and a genealogist. A gynecologist looks up your bush while a genealogist looks up your whole family tree.

What’s a cannibals favourite game? Swallow the Leader

A man stopped me in the street yesterday And asked "what grooming products do you use?"

"Haribo's and Facebook works every time" I said.

A kids mom is starting to get old The kid asks his mom: Mommy, why are some of your hairs white?

The mom answers: For every dumb thing you do one of my hairs turn white.

The kid than says: Ohhhhhhhh, so that’s why grandmas hair is so white.

I heard that Fairy Tale merchandise is on sale! Now, that's what I call fair retail!

The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

I had to unplug my carbon monoxide alarm The constant beeping was exhausting and giving me a headache

What do you call an ICT teacher who touches his students? A PDF file.

Everyday at breakfast, I announce that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't. It was my longest running joke of the year.

Three interesting things happened today ... First, this guy tells me he's going to vote for Donald Trump in 2020.

Next, two minutes later, he gets hit by a bus.

Then, Trailways fired me.

Kids These Days Can't Take Care of Presents I got my kid one of those 'Fortnite' things everyone's been raving about, it only lasted two weeks.

I told my kids I was gonna take them to that place with the Ferris wheel and cotton candy, but instead I took them to the dentist They said it wasn’t fair

The start of my opiate addiction... ...was surprisingly painless.

A man goes to his boss and says, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" "Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off.”

When the man returned to work the next day, his boss came to his desk. "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy Or a girl?”

“Not sure,” said the man, “but I’ll let you know in about 9 months.”

I was talking to a landscaper about his work the other day. He told me: “Most of my work involves painting people’s lawns a different color. It’s some kind of new trend. I, personally, don’t get the appeal of having a pink lawn. Doesn’t make sense to me. But, I dye grass.”

An old man lay on his death bed upstairs when he caught a wiff An old man lay dying in bed upstairs in his room when he thought he caught a wiff of his wife's chocolate chip cookies wafting through the air.

Man, he thought to himself, if I could have just one more of my wife's cookies I could die a happy man.

As he lay there thinking about the singular joy of those delightful cookies his wife had been making him so many years he became certain that she was in fact making a fresh batch. He also became certain, no he resolved himself, that he would not die until he had another cookie.

He couldn't call out as he'd been without voice for some time. He figured it was useless to hope anyone would just bring a dying man a cookie. So he decided that he would marshall all of what little strength he had left and he would go downstairs and get one. He knew that this effort would be his last but that having one last cookie before he went would be one of the happiest moments in his life.

With a Herculean effort the old man slid his feet out of the bed and to the floor. His legs didn't quite have the strength to carry him and he slid all the way to the floor. He rested a minute and then he turned over onto his stomach an crawled like an infant out of his room over to the stairs.

The stairs presented the old man a special challenge: he couldn't crawl down them as his arms were not strong enough to do so. So with great effort he got to his feet and leaned up against the rail and started making his way down.

He almost gave up but halfway down the stairs the smell of the scrumptious chocolate chip cookies was so strong he knew that he just couldn't quit.

After about an hour he made it safely to the bottom of the stairs, a mere ten feet from the kitchen where his heavenly cookies awaited him.

The old man crawled the last ten feet. He could see stacks and stacks of sweet delicious cookies on the kitchen table. He had almost no strength left at all and he could feel the wind of death at his back. It was now or never.

With great effort he pulled his chest up onto the seat of the chair. He couldn't get any higher. But he reached out his left arm, an arm shaking side to side, up and down on it's ascent to the table top. For a second it didn't look like he'd even be able to grab a cookie but somehow he managed.

As he brought that glorious cookie down off that table and towards his dying lips the old man's wife appeared and snatched the cookie right out of his hand saying "You stay out of these, these cookies are for the funeral".

Why can't orphans go on field trips? Parent Signature:_______________

A Guy and an Ostrich Walk into a Bar The guy tells the bartender: "I'll have a whisky." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

The bartender gives them their drinks, and when they finish, tells them: "That'll be 7.46$."

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out 7 dollars and 46 cents exactly, without even having paused to feel which coin is which. The bartender is surprised and takes the money.

The next day the guy and the ostrich return to the bar. The guy tells the bartender: "I'll have a cola." The ostrich says: "I'll have the same."

The bartender gives them their drinks, and when they finish, tells them: "That'll be 4.98$."

The guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out 4 dollars and 98 cents exactly, without even having paused to feel which coin is which. The bartender is surprised again and takes the money.

The next day the guy and the ostrich returm to the var. The bartender stops them, and says: "Look, before you order, can you just tell me how you keep pulling the exact amount of money you need each time?"

The guy answers him: "Well, I rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out. My first wish was to always be able to pull out exactly the amount of moneyI need at any moment. The third was, classically, to free the genie."

The bartender then asks: "And what was the second wish?"

The guy answers: "I wished for a tall chick who likes the same things I like."

I fractured my kneecap please send me jokes Right now my humor is as broken as my ability to stand

World Taekwondo Federation has changed its name over negative connotations WTF?

Jedis make amazing IT Professionals They can force quit anything.

Not wearing glasses anymore I’ve seen enough

Whats the difference between a novelist and a pornstar? A novelist puts colons in their work while pornstars put their work in their colon.

I recently bought a corset with a dollar-bill print on it. I think everyone else likes it as much as I do, because whenever I show them a picture of me wearing it they say 'what a waist of money!'

What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way? Please move, I need to get bayou.

If the Stork is the bird that brings babies, what is the bird that prevents babies? The Swallow.

Wife was interrogated for husband's death "How did your husband die?"

"Food poisoning ".

"What are those wounds on body"

"He was refusing to eat".

Keep your receipt Two old guys are sitting on a park bench. The first guy says “I got this new hearing aid. It’s amazing! It’s top of the line and I can finally hear my grandkids playing! ”

The second guy says “What kind is it?”
First guy looks at his watch: “About two thirty .”

I'm always waking up feeling like I'm in some stranger's room. I never should have bought that false memory mattress.

I went to high school with Sybil, the multiple personality disorder woman She was good people.

Do you know what it feels like to lose an electron? You tell me, Ion know.

What do you call two ghosts dressed up as bees for Halloween??? Boobees....

Once my dad kicked the bucket, our family wasn't able to financially support ourselves anymore. Turns out treating a broken toe costs a lot of money.

New California Department To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

Anagram lovers are more likely to get corona if * exposed to a corona infected person
* they have weak immune system
* asked to spell racoon

Three Mexican men are walking through a desert... They are all hungry and haven't ate in days, in the distance they spot a tree that appears to have bacon growing from it, they slowly approach it not believing their eyes, all of a sudden the tree stands up and starts chasing and throwing things at them, one of the men shouts to the others "run!! its not a bacon tree, it's a hambush!"

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, "I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom's feet were in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

The Democratic nominee walks into a bar because Donald Trump set it so low.

What do you call it when the Joker walks into a room? Walk-in Phoenix

There's been talks saying the Egyptians invented cement... Historians have looked in the ruins for evidence but there's nothing concrete

Whats Jar Jar Bink's favorite food? Miso Soup

I have a very mild form of Coronavirus. Heinekenvirus.

What’s the number one use of leather in the world? Holding cows together

In college I became obsessed with the concept of a doppelgänger I began a quest to find mine. After a year and half of tracking down leads, I uncovered his phone number. I immediately called him but the line was busy.

Why did the exterminator go to the Pothead's house? Because there were roaches everywhere.

How many conservation officers does it take to change a lightbulb? Change?! What do you mean, "change"?

(Credit Grand Designs)

What do you call a peaceful cockroach? Buda-pest

3 chemists walk into a bar after having shared a banana. The first chemist said, "I'll have H2O".

The second chemist said "I'll have H2O, too".

The third chemist was confused, and said " I'll have HO, too".

The first one was OK, the second one died, and the third one was OK2.

How did the roman empire fall? It had a Ceasure

Don't bother asking God the same question over and over. God hates faqs

Did you hear about the new shoes for lesbians? Yeah. They are called Dikes. They come with an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off.

Last year In Africa, I made friends with a Mosquito. He told me a really good joke I thought it was Malarious.

Roses are red, Grass is greener,

When I'm with you,

I play with my wiener.

Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing Ole and Sven grabbed their poles and headed out to do some ice fishing. As they were augering a hole in the ice they heard a loud voice from above say, "There are no fish under the ice." Ole and Sven moved about 25 feet over and started to make another hole. The voice said a little stronger, "There are no fish under the ice." They both looked around and then looked up. Ole said in a humble voice, "Are you God?" The voice spoke back, "No ya idiots! I'm the ice rink attendant."

I have two diseases. The first one is Alzheimer's. I have two diseases.

My friend told me he put a potato down his swim trunks and now the girls won't leave him alone Didn't work for me.

Apparently, you need to put it in the front.

What starts with 10 legs but end with 8? One Direction.



Ill see myself out.

What part of a pizza and a woman do you not eat? The crust

Genie in a Bottle A brunette is walking through the desert and comes across a genie, who tells her he will grant her three wishes. However, everything she wishes for, every blonde in the world would get twice as much.

​

The Brunette ponders this a while then makes her first wish. "I wish for the nicest mansion in the world." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two mansions.

​

"I wish for a billion dollars." The genie nods and says it is done. However, every blonde in the world gets two billion dollars.

​

Thinking long and hard about her last wish, the brunette finally comes to a decision. "You see that stick over there?..... Beat me HALF to death with it!"

What do you call a horse that's fallen of a bridge? Dead.

A group of puzzles walked into a bar And couldn’t piece together the rest of the joke.

What kind of fish lets you borrow money? A loan shark

A guy walks into a costume party... ...carrying a girl on his back. The host looks at him and says, 'Yeah, this is...a costume party...'

The guest says, 'Yes, this is my costume. I'm a snail.'

The host asks, 'Okay, but...what's with the girl on your back?'

The guest responds, 'That's Michelle.'

A man walks into a bar But next time he ducks

I was about to walk into a bar when, suddenly, a blonde, a chicken, and a Rabbi pounced. Looks like the joke's on me.

I put all my hard disks in an enclosure in my car... ...and connected the enclosure to the house wifi. It's now my nascar.

What do you call ten cucumbers lined up for a ride? Queuecumbers

How does a mermaid wash its tail It uses tide

What's the difference between Google Chrome and Manchester City. Chrome has history.

What country was sheep's discovered? In the BAAhamas

Irish Story As only the Irish Can Tell A Story!

Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Barry's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!

Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Barry's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya feking idiot😂

Michael Bloomberg will not pick Hillary Clinton as his VP He's not ready to commit suicide

On a plane is full of Redditors, a man starts having a heart attack. One of the flight attendants notices this and quickly shouts: “People of the plane, we’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”


Immediately, five people stand up and say
"I'm not a doctor, but...

I walked into the doctor's office the other day. He told me to sit down; I obliged.

He then told me to pick a star sign, any star sign, which was slightly weird but I obliged.

"Capricorn!" I exclaimed until he quickly responded with:

"Nah you have cancer!"

What are some famous stereotypes around the world? 5.1 and 7.1

What do you call a knife that does heroin? A sharp shooter