Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year... You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.
I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!
Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New Year's. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from 10.
I know the secret to leaving a casino with a small fortune
Walk in with a big fortune.
Happy new year
New Years resolution Programmers are always grumpy on January 1st - they turn on their monitor and the screen has the same number of pixels even though they keep hearing about the New Year’s Resolution
Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel. Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!
Seeing as it's almost time for New Years Celebrations for myself Tonight I am an exorcist, as I shall be ridding the house of all Spirits.
At the beginning of this year I made a New Year's resolution to lose 10 pounds.... ...Only 15 pounds to go.
Enough with the “I’ll see you next year” jokes on New Years! Those jokes are a decade old now!
I came up with my New Year’s resolution. I will be more of an optimist But I know that won’t happen. Something will go wrong, and I’ll fail.
For this New Years resolution I'm not going to smoke any more weed. But I'm not gonna smoke any less either.
Happy New Years 2013! Hey guys I'm sending this through Internet Explorer, hope you guys had a great 2012!
My New Years resolution is to go to the gym more often, get into grad school, pay off my bills, and learn a new language. I don’t have a clue how I’m going to get all that done by tomorrow.
I got arrested... I got arrested for punching a guy at a new years party, when you hear an Arab counting down from ten your instincts kick in.
Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed. Just like the children of Kabul.
chinese new years
All served with rice or chips, bat and pangolin scale sauce £1.00 extra.
Everyone: *suffers three months of misery beginning with New Year’s Day* 2020(after March 31st): APRIL FOOLS!
This quarantine is a lot like the time between Christmas and New Years. I got new underwear, alcohol all over my hands, and my dad still hasn’t come back.
What’s Hilary Clinton’s favorite holiday? New Year’s, because it’s when she has the best Outlook.
Last Christmas, the boss promised everybody a little something crisp and green in our year-end paychecks. After New Years he had to promise that never again would he put freeze dried frogs into our paychecks.
Party joke A group of my friends decided to have a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns night. They called it Chinese Burns night. I didn’t want to go but they twisted my arm!
A drunk guy was yelling at the bar
\- "Happy New Year! Happy New Year!"
The bartender replied:
\- "New Year? We're in March"
\- "March already? Oh my! My wife is going to kill me, I had never arrived this late!"
New year wishes. My wife wished me :"May 2020 brings you lot of happiness". I wonder why she couldn't wish for the entire year!
What happens if you keep your Christmas lights up after New Years in West Virginia? Mothman steals them and takes them to his cave.
We’re only a month into the new year, and the effects of climate change are evident all over the world. Clearly, 2020 has no chill.
It’s nice to see one New Years resolution is being followed. One month in and the EU has already lost a pound.
Some friends of mine held a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns Night. They called it Chinese Burns Night. I didn't want to go, but they twisted my arm.
This is finally going to be my year.
My friends in jail have been telling me for years that I'm a rat.
Happy Chinese new year
Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year Party this weekend
They're calling it Chinese Burns Night.
I wasn't going to go but they twisted my arm.
My new year's resolution was to finally lose 50 pounds. Its going alright! 3 weeks in and I've only got 55 left to lose.
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution. and a blooper for a punch line.
I just recently switched from a 1080p monitor to a 4k monitor I guess you could say that it's my new year's resolution
On Midnight of New Years Eve, I lifted my left leg. Just wanted to start the year on the right foot.
I got kicked in the nuts at Midnight on New Years. I started the year off on the highest note possible.
My New Years Resolution this year was to be more selfless, but I gave up after four days. I realized that it isn’t for me.
My New Year's resolution was to go on a diet But my girlfriend told me it should be to try and be more direct. So I told her to go on a diet instead.
So ever since new years my son has been making dinosaur noises. Hes really getting into the roaring 20's
My New Year's resolution is something my kids often forget It just goes in one year and out the other.