Joke I heard from a 99 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He’s explaining Facebook to old people.
Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
A joke my 8-year old made up: What do you call a chicken that's afraid of the dark? A chicken.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
You really should upvote this joke because it never gets old
Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"
I immediately burst into tears.
12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
Soooo my 4 year old nephew just told me this. He's a little nerd but it made me chuckle. Knock knock...
Cows go who?
No idiot... Cows go moo!
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke.
Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars? Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa. Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waste.
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
Here's an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house?
He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper...
I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*
Lots of violence could have been prevented in the old west If only cowboy architects had made the towns big enough for everyone.
How do boomers change a lightbulb They dont, they just keep talking about how great the old one was
A 60 years old billionaire came to the bar with his gorgeous 25 years old wife.
Friend : How did you marry her?
Billionaire : I lied about my age.
Friend : You said 45?
Billionaire : No, I said 90.
A 3 year old boy examined his testicles in bath
“Mom” He asked “ Are these my brains”
“Not yet” She replied
I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!" That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.
My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed?
Nephew: Brushing your teeth!
Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.
Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!
A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won? 5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
I lied about my age
A 60 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!
Friend: "How did she marry you?"
Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"
Friend: "You said 45?"
Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"
This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with
I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.
I told her to sleep on it.
A joke my 4 year old came up with today...
Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"
My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are. Napalm
What do you call it when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam
My 5 year old told me this joke and he thought it was the most hilarious thing ever lol
You can tell Monopoly is an old game... ...because there's free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school. So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance? “Thank you for your service”
From my 5 year old last night. I thought it was funny....but i'm easy. Why didn't the Teddybear finish his dinner? Because he was stuffed!
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror”
This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
(please don't down vote me too much, my 6 year old daughter made up this joke and wanted me to post it).
My 6 year old made this up while taking his bath...
Dwayne the tub before I dwown.
My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"
8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.
Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.
8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock
Me: Who's there
8yo: The chicken.
A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
-my 8yr old daughters riddle
Today my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...
His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".
Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"
I asked my daughter for the news I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying
It's cool that last names tell us about old family professions
Like the Smith family were blacksmiths
and the Bowman family were archers
and the Dickinson family... well they were in jail
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old I'm finally above average for something
I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her. Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.
I told my wife we had a pest problem. But, apparently we have to wait until it’s 18 years old to move out.
Dad - "Hey look! He's gonna say his first words!"
Son - "D-d-dad I'm 30 years old st-st-stop making fun of my stu-tu-tutter."
Old Soviet joke.
Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.
Next day US newspapers: “Reagan won. Gorgachev lost”.
Soviet newspapers: “Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last”.
What do pigs use when they get hurt?
(My 7 year old made this up and wanted me to share!)
I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, “that’s totally going to be us in 10 years.” He said, “that’s a mirror, dipshit.”
How to find out if you're old or not: Fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young. If they panic, you’re old.
What do you call an incredibly strong STD?
(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)
My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a threesome with two hot princesses?" I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.
Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement? My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.
Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened? He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy
I used to work at a bank, an old lady came in and asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
I’ve been a PC gamer for over 20 years. Yesterday I bought a PS4, best decision ever! Now my 8 year old son doesn’t have to touch my beloved PC!
A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"
I just found my old Nokia and connected it with my power bank. The power bank is now fully charged again.
You guys wanna hear a construction joke?
..... hold on I'm working on it.
(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)
What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"
Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as a chicken. Met a girl dressed as an egg. A question as old as time was answered The chicken
The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed
The label says the expiry date is June 2018.
I'm so glad they dug it up just in time