Pastor Jokes

Contents

Funniest Pastor Jokes

A woman who was married six times had just died. During the funeral service, the pastor heard her sister say "I'm so glad they are finally together!"

The pastor replies "Which husband are you referring to?"

"None of them. I was talking about her legs."

Funny Pastor Jokes

When two bears asked a pastor to marry them in the forest, what did he say? "Hold on, let me get my bear rings."

Why did the pastor go to KFC? To grab some breast.

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends He'd be a pastor of muppets

Higgs Boson walks into a church Pastor says "*oh no, no you don't! You have caused the church plenty trouble already, I must ask you to leave immediately!*"

Higgs Boson replies "*but without me, how will you have mass?*"

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? Because they have big fingers!

Not mine. Told to me by my late grandfather, funniest pastor ever. :)

Thoughts and prayers I went to my pastor and asked him to pray for my hearing. He put his hands on my ears and prayed. Afterwards he asked, "how's your hearing?"

I replied, "it's not until next Tuesday"

What’s the difference between Pastor Maldonado and a bus driver? One is a highly skilled professional driver, and the other is in Formula 1.

I saw that pastor from Aretha Franklin's funeral at Starbucks again He was just grabbing a Grande.

What's wrong? "What's wrong, Bubba?" asked the pastor.

"I need you to pray for my hearing," said Bubba.

The pastor put his hands on Bubba's ears and prayed. when he was done, he asked, "so how's your hearing?"

"I don't know," said Bubba. "It's not until next Tuesday."

I'm putting together a Christian Metallica all puppet cover band. Gonna call it Pastor of Muppets

Wedding At a wedding, the pastor asked all the married men in the crowd to put their arm over the person who makes their life worth living. The bartender was crushed to death.

How did the pastor cope with cheating on his wife? With thots and prayers

I know a pastor of a failing megachurch. Poor guy doesn't know where his next Mercedes is coming from.

The pastor jumped at the chance to meet Ariana the other day He also grabbed, fondled, and fingered. Some might say he was milking the situation

What’s the difference between a pastor and acne? Acne waits until your 12 before it comes on your face.

What did the pastor say when his blanket rose up from his bed? "Holy Sheet!"

What do you call a Pastor in Germany? A German Shepherd.

The Tomato Pastor began his sermon to the Salad Congregation "Lettuce pray"

A priest a rabbi and a pastor walk into a bar All three failed to duck

When I was a young boy I tried to get the leader of our church to touch me inappropriately during confession so that I could sue him... But he just told me to stop pastor baiting.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs? He's a Pabstist.

Did you know, James Hetfield from Metallica has recently been ordained as a priest at The Church of Jim Henson? He's a Pastor of Puppets.

"What's wrong Bubba?" asked the Pastor "I need you to pray for my hearing" said Bubba

The Pastor placed his hands over Bubba's ears and prayed. Afterwards, he asked Bubba "So how's your hearing?"

"I don't know" replied Bubba. "It isn't til next Tuesday"

An older pastor gives an unusually long sermon. After the three hour service, he’s asked why. “I was running very late today and accidentally put my wife’s dentures in and couldn’t stop talking.”

My pastor apologized earlier for cussing. He said it was a frick accident.

I once went to a Pastor Maldonado crash... Right after he crashed an F1 race broke out

What did the pastor say when informing two fruits that they couldn't marry? No, you cantaloupe.

What does a pastor and a cobler have in common? They both fix soles.

A pastor walks into a bar... and asks for the punchline. Bartender says, "We don't serve punch here."

...So your mom's a pastor eh? ...holy cow...

Hear about the pastor who hung himself? He was a Bourdained minister.

There’s always that one person who goes from church to church living off the congregation. Normally, we call that person the Pastor

"What's wrong, Bubba?" Asked the pastor

"I need you to pray for my hearing," said bubba.

The pastor puts his hands over Bubba's ears and prayed.
When he was done he asked, "So how's your hearing?"

"I don't know," said Bubba "It isn't until next Tuesday."

A pastor goes to a beach He gets a chrisTan

Rabbi, priest and pastor walk into a bar and bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke?"

A priest, rabbi, and a pastor walk into a bar "Ow!" they all said in unison

What did the pastor say to the boy ditching mass on Ash Wednesday? Get your ash back over here!

Did you hear about the 37 year old female minister? She's Pastor Prime.

New Pastor Jokes

Why did Bob Ross take his brushes washed in odorless thinner to Pastor Eric Dammann? So he could beat the devil out of them.

What do you call a pastor that started giving sermons at a different church because that church’s pastor quit? a step-father.

How does a pastor with a lisp give a sermon? Spray and pray.

How do you confuse a Pastor Paint yourself green and throw forks at him

My dad studied Philosophy in college, and he's a pastor I suppose that makes him a Philosorapture.

My Pastor Told Me To Bring My Problems To The Church So I brought my wife

A bishop, a pastor and the pope walk into a bar... The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"

A priest, a rabbi, and a pastor walked into a bar. And the bartender said, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

Long Pastor Jokes

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The pastor says "and it's a great chapter, amen??" There are shouts of "amen!" from the congregation. Then the pastor smirks.

"Well, Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now begin my sermon on the terrible sin of lying."

A minister dies..

..and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A joke my pastor told this morning at church

A woman has a heart attack. During this, she dies and meets God.

"Will I die?" she asked.

"No," God replied, "You will live for another 40 years, 2 months, and 8 days."

At this instant, she snapped back alive. After the heart attack, she decides to make the most of her life.

She gets a face lift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even gets a surgery to change the color of her hair.

After her final surgery, she walks out and gets hit by a car and dies. When she goes up in heaven and meets God, she's steaming.

"What was that!?" she asked.

"What?" God responded, "You died."

"You said I would live another 40 years!"

"Oh." God thought for a while.

"I didn't recognize you."

Edit: 1 letter

skipping church

Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.

IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Three men die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates.

He says to the first man, "Welcome to Heaven! Back on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The first man say, "I was a devout Presbyterian".

St. Peter says, "Excellent! Then go to door 10, but when you pass door number 2, be very quiet."

He then asks the second man, "When you were on Earth, what denomination were you?"

The second man replies, "I was the pastor of my Methodist church!"

St. Peter says, "Wonderful! Make your way to door 6, but when you pass door 2, be very quiet."

St. Peter asks the last man, "What denomination were you on Earth?"

The man says, "I was Lutheran. Part of the Missouri Synod."

St. Peter says, "You know the drill. Go to door 12, but be very quiet when you pass door 2."

The last man says, "Why is it we need to be so quiet when we go past door 2?"

St. Peter replies, "Because that's where the Catholics are and they think they're the only ones here."

A man with no arms is homeless and looking for a job.

He goes to the pastor in his local church one morning and says:
"Pastor, I am in desperate need of work. Is there any kind of job you can give me, despite my obvious disability?"
The pastor, with a cheeky grin, points to the churches bell tower and says:
"You see that bell up in the tower? If you can ring that for me every day precisely at noon, I will pay you $20 a day. Can you do that for me?"
The no armed man hesitates, but the offer of $20 a day sounds too promising, so he agrees.

Later that day, he makes his way up to the bell tower but alas, cannot pull the rope for obvious reasons. However, he does not give up. Being a quick thinker, the man takes a stance in front of the bell, and begins repeatedly bashing his face into the bell. Success! the bell rings on the strike of noon, and a slightly dizzy no armed man returns downstairs, where a very confused pastor lives up to his promise and grants him $20.

This process continues for several weeks. Every day at noon, the man would head to the bell tower and bash his face into the solid metal for it to chime, and then the pastor would pay him. Over time, however, this method began damaging the mans head, both inside and out. Bruises were always constant, and the pastor began noticing the man would slur his speech, look deranged and have trouble walking in a straight line. But there were no complaints, and the man, though a bit slower by the day, was still getting paid happily, so it continued.

On one fateful day, however, the man once again staggers up the stairs to reach the bell tower as noon approached. He took his normal stance, ready to smash his head once again into the giant chiming machine. However, on this fateful day, he succumbs to the damage, and as he charges at the bell, he staggers so much that he completely misses the target. His momentum takes him right over the shallow wall of the tower and he plummets to the ground. He is killed instantly.

A crowd of people begin to gather around the no armed man's body, including a police officer. A woman looks at the body, horrified, and asks "Oh my god, does anybody know who this man is?" The police officer looks at the dead man and replies "I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."

Jack goes to his friend Mike

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"

The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.

After mass, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

Two friends are discussing...

"Look, I have this thing going," says first John. "I fell in love with our pastor's wife so we're having an affair. I haven't seen her for few days and I'm urging to do so. Could you be a buddy and keep our pastor occupied while I... go do the thing?"

His friend, Bill, reluctantly agrees. It's a sin he's agreed to help to commit. He goes to pastor and starts asking all sorts of random questions. He tries and tries, but pastor happens to be a wise man who sees that Bill is not sincere.

So, after sweating a bit, Bill confesses. That yes, he's just delaying the pastor from going home because his friend John is bedding pastor's wife.

Pastor scratches his head a bit. Doesn't get even angry.

"Bill," he says, "my wife's been dead for two years. There's no reason to keep *me* occupied... But if I were you, I'd run home really quick right now...!"

Why a fourth time?

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.

Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons.

​

“I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee.

​

“Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”

A boy is selling fish on a corner.

To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shriek and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her children came running to see what the matter was, and saw this on the screen:

"Dearest wife,

Just checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. See you soon.

Your loving husband.

PS. Sure is hot down here!"

A pastor said to his congregation

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie, and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am deeply embarrassed and do not intend to accept this slur on my character.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness in front of this congregation."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde (with a body that could stop a runaway train) rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding...........

I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan,

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

Edit:~~The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared !~~

Married for the 4th time

A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by a local TV station, and the commentator asked about what it felt to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it seem quite unique the fact that her new husband was a ‘funeral director.’ After a short time to think, a smile came to her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties, in her forties she married a circus ring master, and in her sixties she married a pastor and now in her eighties, a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse Careers. With a smile on her face she explained, ‘I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.’

A priest and a pastor are standing on the side of the road

They are holding a sign that reads "The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!"

A passing driver yells, "You guys are nuts!" and speeds past them.

From around the corner they can hear screeching tires- then a big splash.

The priest turns to the pastor and says, "Do you think we should just put a sign up that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor...

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway
train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she
spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.
I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

A delightful angelic little boy was waiting

for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right. It's on the left."

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle; "You're shitting me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."

A cop pulls over his pastor when he notices him swerving...

As the officer approaches the window he notices a bottle in a brown bag on the seat. Officer says, "brother, I pulled you over for swerving back there. You haven't been drinking have you?"
"No sir, why would you ask that?"
"Well I noticed the bottle on the seat next to you."
"Oh, that's just holy water."
"OK brother. So why is it in a bag?"
"Well, that is to protect it from the suns rays."
"Mind if I take a sip?"
"Not at all."
As the officer puts the bottle to his lips and takes a drink, he immediately spits it out...
"Brother, this is wine."
The pastor, "PRAISE THE LORD. HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!"

A man bought a horse from a pastor of a church...

The pastor explains to him "to make the horse go yell 'Thank God!' And to make it stop yell 'Hallelujah'". He is riding the horse and gets distracted when he notices he is about to ride off a cliff and begins to yell "Hallelujah! Hallelujah!", and the horse stops just at the edge of the cliff. He wipes his sweat off and says "Phew! Thank God!".

*Old Russian joke my dad used to tell*