Puns Jokes

Contents

Funniest Puns Jokes

If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision I can just see it now.

Funny Puns Jokes

While most puns make me feel numb, mathematics puns make me feel number.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door"

While most puns make me feel numb... ...Math puns make me feel number.

In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision... I can't wait to see them all.

Not all math puns are bad Just sum

#2020 In the year 2020 we're going to have a lot of bad puns about vision.

I can't wait to see them all.

My girlfriend found one of my puns so funny that she flew into space and told it to an alien. Unfortunately, the alien didn't laugh. Personally, I think she took the joke a bit too far.

A man enters a pun contest in a local paper... He loses. So the next year, he enters 2 puns, doubling his chances. He still loses. So the third year, determined to win, he enters 10 puns. He waits, hoping at least one of his puns will win, but no pun in 10 did.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction. I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

What I want written on my tombstone: "Not appreciating puns was a grave mistake"

I like my puns like I like my sausages... the wurst ones are the best.

My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart. Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?


Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.


Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs Because they're always taking things literally.

I once submitted 10 puns to a contest to see which one would win. No pun in 10 did.

The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision ... ... I can't wait to see them all.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They take things literally.

My brother started making terrible bird puns to annoy me... But toucan play at that game

From my nine year old... He walked up to me tore a piece of paper and walked away, I look at the paper it says "my puns" I ask what that was about, he says " I know... My puns are tear-able"... Thats my boy

My friend told me she doesn't like Roman Numerals because you can't make puns from them. I told her, I for one, like Roman Numerals.

Why is it hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? They always take things literally.

So I sent my friend 10 puns hoping that at least one of them would get a laugh out of him. No pun in ten did.

My friend was harassing me with bird puns But toucan play at that game.

I spent all day working on a bunch of puns about limousine drivers. But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.

I wrote a theatrical performance on puns Really, it was just a play on words.

Math Puns The first sine of madness.

Kleptomaniacs don't get puns They always take things literally.

I've submitted ten puns today trying to make the front page no pun in ten did...

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I submitted 10 puns to a local newspaper, hoping one would make it in. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A man sent ten puns to his friends, hoping at least one would make them laugh No pun in ten did.

Puns make me numb. But mathematics makes me number.

A man sends 10 puns to a pun contest in hopes that at least one of them would be selected as the winning entry No pun in ten did.

Puns about communism aren’t funny Unless everyone gets them

Puns make me numb But math puns make me number

Puns makes me numb. Math puns make me number.

Why is it difficult to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.

Popular Topics

New Puns Jokes

You thought your puns were bad? Just wait till you sea mine.

Cow stumbles into pot field The steaks have never been higher.

Credit to indian hills puns check them out they're great

I once had a hen that could count her own eggs... (BPI) She was a **mathema-chicken.**

​

\- Brought to you by the Bad Puns Initiative (BPI)

One of the greatest missed puns in history... Was calling them chastity belts instead of containers.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long? A "Pi"-thon.

(brought to you by the bad puns initiative)

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.

Why can't you explain puns to kleptomaniacs ? The always take things literally

I scrolled through 10 puns to see if they could make me laugh No pun intended

Puns are like sailboats. The good ones right themselves.

The fist President of Zimbabwe was President Banana It was illegal to joke about this in Zimbabwe. The foreign press would slip in as many puns as they could. But if they got caught they were locked up with no chance to a peel.

I submitted ten puns to r/Jokes, hoping one would make it to the front page. But no pun in ten did

Puns about Russia... Some are Volga but Moscow them are pretty lame.

If I keep making all these cheesy puns I'm gonna be provalone forever!

I keep blurting out puns about porridge when I really oat to know better.

The interesting thing about sheep puns Is the SHEAR volume of them.

Cat puns really freak meowt I am not Kitten.

Why do people make puns at inappropriate times? It’s very irrespunsible

I just don't understand it when people create puns about Covid 19 Is there some sick joke that I'm not getting here?

I entered 10 puns in the pun contest hoping at least 1 would win But no pun in ten did.

English puns make me feel numb, But math puns make me feel number.

I told my friends ten puns to try to make them laugh But no pun in ten did

Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously... I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.

Puns are like paper. They're tear-able.

Just a reminder that Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you... They Seamus all.

English puns make me feel numb Math jokes make me feel number

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh. No pun in ten did

To think I thought the worst thing about this year would be the advertising puns I guess hindsight really is 2020

While most puns make me feel numb. Maths puns make me feel number.

My puns are from exelent koala tea

I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation

Fellow inmate: "So, what are you in here for?" Me: "I farted in a public pool, accidentally killing everyone with the resulting chlorine gas. Yes, my puns are criminal."

You shouldn't do puns at a comedy show They're groaners not showners.

I don’t find bear puns amusing They’re all unbearable.

I do however love bee puns, Some of them are unbelievable.

I hate puns about DJ Khaled I can't bear to hear another one.

So a guy gave his friend 10 puns hoping that one would make him laugh Sadly no pun in ten did

Courtesy to my dad Puns make me numb but maths puns makes me number

It's hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac, because they always take things literally

I wrote a show about puns It’s a play on words

Coming up with fruit puns is so exhausting... I’m berry tired.

I often try to fit puns about car brands into my conversations. But always super Audious.

Popular Topics

Long Puns Jokes

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

The broom swept the nation away.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.

I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.

What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.

What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.

How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.

The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.

What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.

Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.

What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.

What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.

Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.

Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.

Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.

Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.

What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.

What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.

Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.

What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

What do you call a spanish pig? Porque.

What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.

Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

How do trees access the internet? They log on.

Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.

Top 20 worst jokes ever !!!!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve
You, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not
Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says
to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know
you can't I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from
bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different
puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

I just summarized the jokes I liked best in a recent Askreddit thread. Have fun!

I hope that's fitting in the Subreddit. If not, leave a downvote please.

-Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular.

-I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings - its a complex complex complex.

-I have an L shaped couch... Lower case.

-I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

-A man walked into his house and was delighted when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.

-I, for one, like Roman numerals.

-You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

-I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was just collecting dust.

-I stayed up all night wondering where the sun was, and then it dawned on me.

-Am I the only one who realizes that blackboards are truly remarkable?

-I told a woman that she painted her eyebrows on too high. She looked surprised.

-so what if I can't spell Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.

-Inspecting mirrors is a job I could easily see myself doing.

-You know, the shovel really was a ground-breaking invention.

-A dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

-The guy who invented autocorrect has died… restaurant in Piece

-light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for a night, light the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

-Why is it so hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs? Because they take everything literally.

-Dwarves and midgets have very little in common.

Whistle Puns

One day, I went to the store, and I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.

So I went to the store again, and I bought a steel whistle, but it steel wooden whistle.

After a lot of frustration, I went to the store again and I bought a lead whistle.
I was really mad at this point. It steel wooden lead me whistle!

That wasn't very punny now was it?

...A guy goes into a nice restaurant bar wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission. So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in -- just don't start anything."

...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."

...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...

...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" ... String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."

...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"

...This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender says,"What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...

...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."

...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly. The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."

...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says. The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"

...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...

...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."

...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake. The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."

...Baby seal walks into a club... what a tragedy...

...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...

...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...

...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."

...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'

...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us." "It's the peanuts" answered the bartender. "Say what?" "You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."

...Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist;s Novocain during root canal work because he wanted to transcend dental medication.

...Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak got chilly so they lit a fire in the craft but it sank proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and eat it too.

...Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina; one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields never amounting to much and became known as the lesser of two weevils.

...There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

...A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amahl while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother and upon receiving the picture she tells her husband she wishes she also had a picture of Amahl. "But they're twins," says her husband, "If you've seen Juan you've seen Amahl."

...A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing around in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. About an hour later the manager comes out of his office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked as they moved along. "Because," said the manager, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

...A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat when he came across two men; one was sitting under a tree reading a book while the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him proving even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

A list of puns

I didn't know why the baseball was getting bigger. And then it hit me.

I'm know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I didn't know where the boomerang went. And then it came to me.

Did you hear about the guy who's left arm was cut off? He's all right now.

I didn't like my beard. And then it grew on me.

I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the blue.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

Nope. Unintended.

Hope this made your day! If I get a lot of upvotes I'll make Part 2.

Some puns

•    How does Moses make tea ?   Hebrews it. 


•    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

   
•    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo. 

   
•    I changed my iPod's name to Titanic.  It's syncing now. 

   
•    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

   
•    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. 

   
•    This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.  

   
•    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.   I just can't put it down.

   
•    I did a theatrical performance about puns.   It was a play on words. 

   
•    Why were the Indians here first ?   They had reservations. 

   
•    I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me. 

   
•    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ? 

 
•    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?   A thesaurus. 

   
•    I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

There was a man who loved puns.

There once was a man who loved puns. They were his favorite kind of humor, and he would often spend time trying to come up with new ones. One morning he was feeling particularly inspired and thought up ten brand new puns. And so he went about his day with the intention of using his new puns to get a laugh from his friends, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Not a string of puns but...

A piece of string walks into a bar and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "We don't serve pieces of string in here!"

The piece of string walks out the door upset, but a sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approaches the counter. The bartender says, "Oi, aren't you that piece of string from before...?"

"No," says the piece of string, "I'm a frayed knot."

Hear are sum morre punny science jokes

How often do I tell chemistry jokes? Periodically.

Is Silicon the same in English as in Spanish? Si.

The last time I told a chemistry joke there was no reaction.

Chemistry puns Im in my element.

What do you do with a dead chemist?
Barium

Ion-estly cant think of anymore... All the good ones Argon!

Edit 1 just thought of this.

What does Barium Cobalt and Nitrogen make?
BaCoN

[Request] Horrible Puns

One of my friends absolutely hates puns and cannot stand them. So of course I try to tell her at least one a day. I'm running out though, so could you help me out? I'll start:
"What do you call an angel burning to death?"
"A match made in heaven"

EDIT: Good god you guys are good. Thanks for all the new material :D

PUNS & BAR JOKES

Why did I invest all of my money into the coin factory?
Because it made cents.

Did you hear about the swiss cheese debate?
The arguments are full of holes.

Did you hear about the flutist who got hit in the face with a banana cream pie?
He is now called the pie'd piper.

So, a pun sprints into a bar, and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve puns here", so the pun dashes out. The bartender then remarks "Huh, must've been a running joke."

So a pun, a play on words, and an anecdote walk into a bar. No joke.

Pun competition

One day, a man was sitting at home with a beer in hand when he read about a pun competition being held downtown. He got up early the next morning and came up with the best puns he had ever seen, and entered his 10 best puns hoping he would win, but unfortunately no pun in 10 did.

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to say!

4. Why was the math book depressed?

It had a lot of problems.

5. Why is the obtuse triangle always so frustrated?

Because it is never right.

6. Why can you never trust a math teacher holding graphing paper?

They must be plotting something.

7. Why was the equal sign so humble?

Because she knew she wasn’t greater than or less than anyone else.

8. What do you call the number 7 and the number 3 when they go out on a date?

The odd couple (but 7 is in her prime).

9. What do you call a number that can’t stay in one place?

A Roamin’ numeral.

10. Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably.

11. What do you call dudes who love math?

Algebros.

12. I’ll do algebra, I’ll do trig. I’ll even do statistics.

But graphing is where I draw the line!

13. Why should you never talk to Pi?

Because she’ll go on and on and on forever.

14. Why are parallel lines so tragic if they have so much in common?

It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

15. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

16. What’s the best way to flirt with a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

17. Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?

They’d stop at nothing to avoid them.

18. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

19. Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

20. Why DID seven eat nine?

Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!

21. Why does nobody talk to circles?

Because there is no point.

22. Dear Algebra, stop trying to find your X.

They’re never coming back — don’t ask Y.

23. Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

24. After a sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

25. There are three kinds of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

Intermediate

26. Why should you never mention the number 288?

Because it’s “two” gross.

27. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach?

A tangent. (A tan gent.)

28. What do baby parabolas drink?

Quadratic formula.

29. My girlfriend is the square root of –100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

30. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

31. Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?

It was 3 feet deep, on average.

32. How do you get from point A to point B?

Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.

33. The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic.

But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.

34. Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?

A: To get to the same side.

35. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are staying in a hotel. The engineer wakes up and smells smoke. He goes out into the hallway and sees a fire, so he fills a trashcan from his room with water and douses the fire. He goes back to bed.

Later, the physicist wakes up and smells smoke. He opens his door and sees a fire in the hallway. He walks down the hall to a fire hose and after calculating the flame velocity, distance, water pressure, trajectory, etc., extinguishes the fire with the minimum amount of water and energy needed.

Later, the mathematician wakes up and smells smoke. He goes to the hall, sees the fire and then the fire hose. He thinks for a moment and then exclaims, “Ah, a solution exists!” and then goes back to bed.

36. There are three people applying for the same job at a bank: a mathematician, a statistician, and an accountant.

The interviewing committee asks the mathematician one question: What is 500 plus 500? The mathematician answers “1,000” without hesitation, and they send him along. Next, they call in the statistician and ask the same question. He thinks for a moment and answers “1,000… I’m 95 percent confident.” When the accountant comes in, he is asked the same question: “What is 500 + 500?” He bows and replies, “What would you like it to be?”

They hire the accountant.

Chemistry Puns

What do you do with a dying chemist? If you can't helium, you might as well barium. That joke was quite the knee-slapper, wasn't it. I certainly slapped my neon that one. It was just so-dium funny. Why do chemists like high altitudes? The views arsenic. If you're not laughing yet, don't worry. I'm only through with hafnium. Come on, I think ironed some laughter for that one. Where do chemists wash their dishes? In the zinc. I'm sorry if you didn't like that one. I'm no einsteinium. I would tell you another one, but I think they all argon.

Four Pennies

A few years ago, I volunteered with a high school band, who had a performance at a local veteran's home. After the concert, we spent some time with the residents, listening to their stories.

One gentleman came up to me and asked if I wanted to hear a joke. I agreed.

He held out a hand with a shiny penny in it. He asked if I could see a snake. I said no. He said it was a Copperhead.

He added another penny and asked if I could see a fruit. I could not, and he said it was a Pear.

He added a third penny and asked if I could see a car. I stare at the three pennies to no avail. I could not. He said it was a Lincoln. (D'oh!)

He adds a fourth penny and asks if I can see a naked lady. Now I'm trying to work it out in my head, trying to figure any puns or word play looking at the four pennies. After a moment, I admit my defeat and tell hem I could not see a naked lady.

He grins and tells me, "and for four pennies, you're not going to."

The master of puns

All my life, I had loved puns. There was next to no situation that couldn't do with a good puns. My friends had a love/hate relationship with me sometimes, because I cranked them out, one after another.

Eventually, sick of them, but also slightly amused, one close friend suggest I enter competitions, just simple ones that you could fill out a form with your best pun and see if you could win a prize.

I decided to give it a go, but didn't even get in the top 5 in the first competition, and it was a real blow to my morale. I wanted to try again, so I tried 2 competitions at the same time, but I had an even worse result.

My friends were there to comfort me, but I decided to give it one last try, as surely with a lot more puns I could win. I went and entered 10 different puns into 10 different competitions, sure that I would get a result, and went to check later on if I won, but no pun in ten did.

The Pun Competition

A man enters a pun competition in his local newspaper. They will accept more than one entry if sent in separately, so the man writes out 10 puns and mails them off. A week later he opens the newspaper to see if any of his puns won. Unfortunately *no pun in ten did*.

Top 10 worst jokes!

The 20 Worst Jokes Ever!

1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve You, but don't start anything."


3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4.A dyslexic man walks into a bra.


5.A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."


6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"


7."Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."


8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.


10.Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


11.I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.


12.A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't I've cut off your arms!"


13.I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!"


16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17.A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18.A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19.Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good. . .) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME ;)

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''

2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''

3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.

18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''

40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

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