Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"
Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"
Interviewer: "that's not even close"
me: "yeah, but it was fast"
All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read
Quick question How much no more tears shampoo do you have to rub in a baby's eyes before it stops crying?
Is it possible to stop a grenade from exploding by putting the pin back in? I need a quick answer to this question
My car started making this whining noise...
So I took it to the shop and had the mechanic look over it. Turns out all he had to do was take the Taylor Swift album out.
Sorry if this was a repost, I took a quick browse and didn't see it anywhere.
I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.
Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"
Me: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I am."
Interviewer: "What's 15x26?"
Interviewer: "That's not even close!"
Me: "Yeah, but it was fast."
Pirate :"I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!"
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign."
Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
I was shagging this girl over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open...
...she said 'It's my husband, quick try the back door...
Thinking back afterwards I really should have made a run for it, but you don't get an offer like that every day.
And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
*Last post of this was 6 months ago from my quick search, reposting because it is hilarious.*
"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"
"That's not even close!"
"But it was quick!"
The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard. I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.
I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, "man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
Why is Blizzard so quick to resort to censorship? Because they're nothing more than a bunch of snowflakes.
Teacher says, "Whoever can answer my next question, is free to leave class."
One little boy chucks his backpack out the window.
Teacher asks, "Who threw that bag?"
Little boy, "Me! I'll see you tomorrow!"
A quick and easy way to make money is to sell photographs of salmon dressed up in tuxedoes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel.
Hey guys quick question, can you put a pin back in a grenade? Gonna need a fast answer for this one...
A quick joke
The bartender said "We do not serve faster-than-light neutrinos at this bar."
A neutrino walks into a bar.
I tried to sneak a quick pee in the public pool today but I think the lifeguard saw me. He blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.
Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.
-It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. Whats 19x17?
-Thats not even close!!
-But it was quick.
My friend fell into a vat of chemicals… Ironically, it was his quick reaction that killed him…
You ever hear of Randy the Brown Nosed Reindeer? He was as quick as Rudolph but couldn't stop as fast.
As a Dad, it breaks my heart to see how quick my kids are to blame others. They get that from their mother.
Why is bungee jumping, and a prostitute similar? You pay money for some quick fun and if he rubber breaks, you're dead!
Quick Guide To Flirting
dating coach: so, you've flirted before?
girl: sure, I have given 'the look'
coach: show me
girl: *bites lip seductively*
coach: have you considered biting the bottom lip?
People are quick to judge crowds at bars after reopening.. It’s a bar, by definition that’s where people go to make bad decisions.
After years of practice, I've finally mastered cloning deer... It's a great way to make a quick buck.
A quick knock knock joke
Me: Knock knock
Reddit: Who's there?
Reddit: Wu, who?
Me: Woohoo, it's my blue triangle day!
Is there any way to put the pin of a grenade back in? Guys, I'm gonna need a quick answer on this one..
Boss: Should we hop on a quick call?
Boss: Do you have a number for me?
Me: No, the same number I use for everyone else
Why is Spiderman so quick with his comebacks? With great power, comes great response ability.
A woman on Craigslist said she wanted a man who prematurely ejaculates. I came as quick as I could.
My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested! I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.
A blind man was swinging his guide dog around his head in a store. Just having a quick look around.
My wife is divorcing me because I’m addicted to Pixar movies
She asked what I’d want if we can agree to make the divorce as quick as possible
I told her I’d try to keep Up
I went in the chippy and said to the fella behind the counter ‘can I have a piece of cod?’ He said ‘yeah would you like it battered?’ I said ‘no thanks, just give it a quick slap I’m in a hurry’
Here’s a quick tutorial on how to walk up the stairs:
Just been told I can get rich quick by buying an old Egyptian building. I think it's a pyramid scheme.
I saw a blind man in the GroceryStore today and he was swinging his guide dog around his head. I asked “what are you doing” he’s reply “Just having a quick look around”.
I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed. "Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"
Like my Grandad always said "Don't be too quick to find faults" Great man, terrible geologist.
I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit
And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...
Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned
Anyone else tired of seeing the same joke over and over again? The next election can’t come quick enough.
Science Professor: If a girl falls unconscious, give her mouth 2 mouth, blow air into her lungs and keep on pressing her chest with both your palms in quick succession...
Student : How to make her unconscious?
As I get older, I find that I miss my wife more than ever. My reflexes aren't as quick as they were..
I'm concerned about my surgeon... Not only is he quick to anger, be he's known to lose his patients.
Alright, before I start my speech I’d like to give a quick shout out to my grandpa! Cause that’s the only way he can hear