3 of them are best friends and one weekend they decided to go to town to have a drink and inadvertently got drunk to a point of blacking out. Upon waking up they found themselves arrested, guiltily charged of a crime and sentenced to death by electrocution. The priest is strapped to the chair
"Any last words?"
"I may have sinned by drinking to drunkenness, but for all the good deeds I have done and all the faith I have put into people, I believed that god will protect me from being electrocuted!"
And the executioner pulled the lever, but nothing happened. Perhaps it was a miracle? The Executioner decided to let the priest go.
When it was the teacher's turn,
"Any last words?"
"I educate people to make the world a better place, I am an important part of society, as well as a christian, therefore I believe god will save me from execution."
The executioner pulled the lever once again, but nothing happened. the Executioner decided to let him go.
When it was finally the engineer's turn,
"Any last words?"
"I don't believe religion or miracles, but I know that I will not be executed."
And so the lever is pulled, and yet again, nothing happened. The executioner is confused and asked why.
"Because you will never execute anyone if the chair is unplugged."
**Source**: Recalling a joke from a really old issue of Reader's Digest (2004 I think). This joke was originally in Chinese and I merely translated it in my head.
Edit 2: better punch line...I guess?
A hungry lion roamed through the jungle looking for his next meal when he came upon two men.
One man was sitting under a tree reading a book. The other man was writing in a notebook. The lion quickly pounced in the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that reader's digest and writers cramp.
The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...
flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.
She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.
The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."
The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:
--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest
A Tour Guide at a dinosaur museum is guiding around a group of people. Looking at a T-Rex he says
"This fossil is 23,000,011 years old." One of the members of the group asks out of curiosity, "Wow, how'd they find out such a specific number?" the guide replied "Well, it was 23,000,000 when I started 11 years ago."
*Source: Reader's Digest*
Captain Red Shirt
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.
One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party to try and board their ship. The crew became worried, but the Captain was calm.
He bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly got the Captain's red shirt, which the captain put on. Then he led his crew into battle against the mean pirates. Although there were some casualties among the crew, the pirates were defeated.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending two boarding parties towards their ship. The crew was nervous, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on!
The Captain and his crew fought off the boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when an ensign looked at the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, explained, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the blood, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence. They were amazed at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, 'Bring me my brown pants!!!'
*Just sharing an old piece from Reader's Digest.
My dad was always obsessed with puns
So when Reader's Digest held an unfunny joke/pun contest (in which they offered to pay any pun-tender $100 for each submitted 'joke' they published), my dad submitted 10 hoping that at least one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Scene: A bar.
**Me:** What's the WiFi password?
**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first.
**Me:** OK, I'll have a Coke.
**Bartender:** Three Dollars.
**Me:** There you go. So what's the WiFi password?
**Bartender:** "You need to buy a drink first." No spaces, all lowercase.
(Seen in a Reader's Digest mag.)
So there was a contest going on in Reader's Digest.
It was a pun contest, and as I thought myself to be a pretty funny guy, I decided to enter. I spent several hours thinking of them, and I ended up submitting 10 of them to the magazine. When the results came out, I was crushed, I totally thought that I was going to win, but no pun in ten did.
"Don't have kids"
One evening I overhear my 10 year old discussing a computer game strategy about The Sims with his friend, "Don't have kids! All they do is cry, they don't sleep, won't eat what they're fed, run all over the place and drain your money."
Courtesy : Reader's digest (couple of years ago from the Life's Like That section)
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
After extensive marketing research the Colonel concluded that the franchise would benefit from better traffic patterns on the other side of the intersection.
(from my grandmother's Reader's Digest circa 1988)