Religious Jokes

Contents

Funniest Religious Jokes

Funny Religious Jokes

Why are there a ton of Religious Holidays but no Science Holidays? Because science works.

What do you call a religious drug addict? A crystal methodist.

What do you get when you mix laxatives with holy water? A religious movement.

My girlfriend's parents are very religious The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

What is the highest religious authority among oranges called? The Pulp.

To most religious people, the holy books are like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree"

I asked Arnold Schwarzenegger what his favourite religious holday was. He said "Have to love Easter, baby...."

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs. She didn't believe I was God.

I quit my job over religious differences. My Boss thought he was a God, I didn’t.

What do you call a religious song from Helsinki that describes the end of a Mortal Kombat match? A Finnish Hymn

I heard my son's girlfriend screaming "Oh God!" in his bedroom upstairs ... Im so glad he found a good religious girl.

A religious traitor Son: Dad, what's a religious traitor?

Father: A person who leaves our church and joins another.

Son: And what is a person who leaves another church and joins ours?

Father: A convert, son, a blessed convert.

I didn't realize how religious the Japanese are. Always asking me if I have a pray station at home.

Science and Religion have to coexist because science can make a bomb, But you do need a religious person to set it off.

Its Ramadan Now I have a religious reason to be broke and starving

What did the religious lettuce say to the other vegetables? ...Lettuce pray

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious The first time I came to her house, her father insisted that we could not sleep together. It was a shame, he was very attractive.

My girlfriends father is very religious and says we can't sleep together. Which is really unfortunate because he is extremely good looking.

I mixed laxitives in with the Holy water today. It started a religious movement.

How do you broach the sensitive religious topic about the possibility a human soul might not actually exist? Gingerly.

There’s a new gym in town that’s religious It’s called Jehovah’s Fitness

What do you call it when somebody kills a perfect circle of religious leaders? A 360 No-Pope

What do you call religious pasta? Raviholy.

It's a funny thing, when you talk to God, you're religious but when he talks to you, you're a psycopath

I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love... which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.

What do you call religious hay? Christian Bale.

What do you call people who worship paper bags? Sack religious

How much religious experience does a woman need to be a part of the church? Nun.

My religious girlfriend is obsessed with cats. She's a Catholic catholic.

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook... ...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

If Lars Ulrich of Metallica provided religious support to Kermit and his friends He'd be a pastor of muppets

What do you call a religious owl? A bird of pray.

Why are religious people afraid of Trigonometry? Cos they are afraid of Sin

I’m a virgin but for religious reasons.... God made me very ugly.

How many religious people wear black hoods? Nun

What do you call a group of religious oranges? Jehovah's citruses.

What does a religious predator do? It preys.

What do you call a religious guy with a hard on? A firm believer.

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New Religious Jokes

Nun joke. How many problems does a religious woman have?

Nun.

Religious persons are not much different from atheists… There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

You know there's a kinda of religious authority that's made up of simians who open doors? Yeah, the monk-keys

Just washed down a laxative with holy water Im about to start a religious movement.

When a member of certain religious fraternities eats scrambled eggs. It goes out of the frying pan and into the friar.

What can religious people and atheists agree on? Gingers don't have souls.

I'm an atheist.... But my mom isn't.

She likes to say she's so religious she didn't just drink the kool-aid, she ate the packet it came in.

What do you call a religious chef? A man of the broth

What do you call a religious Russian hacker that leaks your private information? Orthodoxxer.

In fact, religious persons are not much different from atheists… There are 4,000 religions in the world.

A religious person believes that 3,999 religions are wrong.

An atheist believes that 4,000 religions are wrong.

My gym teacher told me that I cannot wear any religious socks .. He said, "Do not bring your holy socks to class"

I'm about to piss off a whole entire religious group with this one. Just kidding.

Picture this: a trumpet-like instrument made of ram’s horn that we blow at times of religious observance to commemorate our ancestors Are you with me shofar?

What do you call a religious figure during warfare? SMGsus

Which type of religious people can read the fastest? Muslims. They can go through 94 stories in less than a second, but only when they're on a plane.

What’s something that you can say during a T-Rex feeding show and when you go on a hike with your religious father? “Where’s the goat?”

Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.

Why is lettuce the most religious vegetable? Lettuce pray.

Valentine’s Day is about to become a religious holiday because there will be screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!" everywhere all night.

I’m trying to make a religious pun, but I’ve got nun.

What do a religious transman and Pinocchio have in common? Every night they pray "Please God, I want to be a real boy."

Religious Freedom was really strong in Soviet Union… Proof: They did Ramadan all year long.

Did you hear about Popeye's epiphany? He had a religious experience on the way to mount Olive.

What do you call a religious animal Alvin the chipmonk

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle I wouldn’t get my hopes up ... you religious types

Why are priests always doing service in the community? Because of their religious convictions

I love the feeling of getting a silver medal, especially after I've been beaten by a religious woman. It's second to nun.

I’d say I’m religious out of fear... ...it’s like when your girlfriend wants you to tell her what’s on your mind and you can’t out of fear of her getting upset and crying.

What do you get if you mix Ex-Lax with holy water? A religious movement.

Did you know that there is a toll road being used as a religious building? After the incident with Santino, it’s the holiest place in world!

Religious wars to an atheist's standpoint are just people fighting over who has the better imaginary friend

What do you call someone who prays about male genitalia ? Sack Religious

What do you call a religious pile of hay? A Christian bale.

I was mostly religious till... I met Fidel. Now I’m Infidel, all the time.

Religious Trigger Warning! Priest: "Your honor, I would just like to state for the record, that I self identified as an 11 year old girl at the time, so not only was this relationship legal, it was also completely heterosexual."

What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches? The Deli Llama.

Why do surgeons have a God complex Because religious people always thank them after operations go well

Which games console do religious women like to play on? The nun-tendo wii

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process. It's truly sole cleansing

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front. Sonic the hajj-hog.

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Long Religious Jokes

A Jewish man decides his son isn't religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel...

When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian.

Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian."

The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian."

The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian."

God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.' 'Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.' 'Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.' 'He bested me at every move and I could not continue!'

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. 'I don't have a clue!!!' the Rabbi said. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here. 'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows...' said the Rabbi. 'He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!'

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti didn't speak Italian, and the Pope didn't speak Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his fingers around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him as they call it 'the finger.' Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Edit: First time I heard this joke was around a year ago, but I had never heard the Jewish one until shortly after. So yeah, I'm well aware it's a repost, but, obviously by the votes, not that many people heard it the first time around (or second, third...fifth...twenty-second...etc.) so thank you, but it has already been pointed out.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"

A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The pope raised three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the pope waved his hands around in the air. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that the pope stood and declared that he was beaten. The rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay.

Later the cardinals met with the pope and asked him what had happened.

The pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my hands around to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and water, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue. He had an answer to everything. How could I continue with my decree after that?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he had won.

"First," said the rabbi, "he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Heresy

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"

"Religious."

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips

Pope VS. Mufti

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate.However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.The Mufti looked back and raised one finger.Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat.The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The Mufti pulled out an apple.With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever.The Muslims could stay in Italy.Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity."He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us."He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins."He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin."He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won."I haven't a clue," the Mufti said."First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger."Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!""And then what?" asked a woman."Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

A priest and a pastor...

... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A young religious couple is about to get married

When their car crashes, killing them both. They come to the gates of heaven and are greeted by Saint Peter. He tells them that they were both faithful in life and he welcomes them into God's Kingdom.

"Wait," says the man. "We were about to be married, but we died before the ceremony. Is it possible to get a marriage in heaven?"

Saint Peter thinks about it, but he can't think of an answer. He tells them to wait and he'll see what he can do.

While he's gone, the couple starts thinking about how final a marriage in heaven is. After all, a marriage on Earth is 'til death do us part- but a marriage in heaven would be truly eternal.

Days later, Saint Peter comes back. "It was tough," he said, "but I managed to arrange a ceremony for you two."

"That's all good and fine," says the couple, "but can we a also get a prenup, just in case?"

Saint Peter throws his hands up in the air in frustration and says, "It took me this long to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

So the church is losing money...

...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling them to stop selling flowers, because they are losing money. The friars say "no way man, free country, free enterprise."

The owners of the other floral shop decide to get real about these religious flower sellers, so they hire a hitman to go take them out. The hitman, named Hugh, shows up to the friars' store. Hugh, now, he's about 7'1', and 240 pounds of pure muscle. "Hey," he says, "you guys ought to stop sellin flowers." The petrified friars agree that maybe the floral business isn't such a good idea after all, and promptly shut it down.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

The religious painter

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further. So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened.

The downpour washed the thinned paint off the church and knocked Jock off his scaffold and onto the lawn among the gravestones and puddles of thinned and worthless paint.

Jock knew this was a warning from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty voice: “REPAINT! REPAINT! AND THIN NO MORE!”

Theological debate

One day, the Pope decided he'd ban all Jews from the Vatican. The Jews understandibly got really angry about this, so the Pope proclaimed that if a Jew could manage to beat him in a theological debate, they could stay.

The Jews chose their wisest rabbi for the religious debate against the Pope. To make it more interesting, the rabbi proposed to make speaking forbidden for the duration of the debate. The Pope accepted. On the big day, the Pope and the rabbi sat down at a table and the followers of both religions gathered around them.

First, the Pope raised three fingers. Then the rabbi raised one finger.

Next, the Pope drew a circle in the air while the rabbi pointed to the ground.

Then, the Pope took out the bread and the wine. The rabbi answered by taking out an apple.

The Pope, amazed, stood up from the table.

'I give up' he said. 'You're too wise for me, rabbi. You and your fellow Jews can stay.'

Later, the cardinals asked the Pope what he talked about with the rabbi.

'First, I raised three fingers to remind him of the Holy Trinity. But he raised one finger to remind me there's only one God in both our religions. After that, I drew a circle in the air to show him God was everywhere around us. But he pointed to the ground to show that God is right here with us. Then I took out the sacramental bread and wine to show him God absolves us from our sins. However, he took out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer to everything, what could I possibly do?!'

At the same time, the Jews asked the same question from the rabbi.

'First, the Pope showed me we had three days to leave the city. But I made him understand that not even ONE Jew would leave. After that, he showed me around to say he'd cleanse the whole city from Jews. But I pointed to the ground, showing him that we'd stay right here.'

'And then?' asked the Jews.

The rabbi shrugged.

'I don't know. He took out his lunch, and so did I.'

#871: Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

"You don't know Jack Schitt!"

Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of the family tree.

Religious jokes can be funny

A Jewish man goes to his neighbor and tells him that his son ran away and became a Christian. The neighbor replies, "You know, it's funny you say that. A little while ago my son did the same." At that, they both went to the local rabbi to ask for guidance. When they tell the rabbi their stories, the rabbi thinks for a moment and says, "You know, it's funny you say that. A few years ago my son did the same. we should all pray and ask God for divine guidance." They started praying when suddenly God's voice came down saying, "You know, It's funny you say that..."

Religious Boyfriend

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

A religious man was drowning in the middle of the sea.

A boat stopped by and the sailor said:
"Hey there, do you need help?"

The man then said: "No thank you, God will save me"

The sailor left in a hurry and confused.

The man kept praying and praying.

A second boat arrived and the sailor said holding the lifejacket:

"Uh hi, do you need a hand?"

The man said: "No thank you, God will save me"

And proceeded to drown.

He woke up in heaven and saw God, he asked God:

"God? Why didn't you save me?!"

God then replies:

"I sent you two boats you idiot."

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Mufti looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Mufti pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Mufti was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God! Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won. "I haven't a clue," the Mufti said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!"" And then what?" asked someone, "Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine".

Mufti debates Pope

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate. However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.

**The Pope**: Raised his hand and showed three fingers.

**The Mufti**: Raised one finger.

**The Pope** : Waved his finger around his head.

**The Mufti**: Pointed to the ground where he sat.

**The Pope**: Brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

**The Mufti**: Pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever. The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity." He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!" Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us." He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us." I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins." He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin." He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won." I haven't a clue," the Mufti said." First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger." Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!" "And then what?" asked a woman."Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

A couple of guys at the start of a bridge with signs

The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**

A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*

The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.

*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*

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