Roast Jokes

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Funniest Roast Jokes

Funny Roast Jokes

I saw a cannibal at the nursing home the other day, he was walking around making fun of all the residents. I realized then that I actually had something in common with him. I too find vegetables to be tastier if I roast them first.

Trump's ego is so big... Trump's ego is so big that when he bangs a super-model, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off.

-Seth Macfarlane, CC Roast of Trump

Willpower I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn, & a jumbo sausage. A poor, homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.'

I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'

Whats Hitler's favorite type of joke A roast

What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef.

I went to my in-laws for dinner An argument inevitably broke out and my wife told me not to take sides.

I told her "they wont notice", as I slid the roast potatoes into my pocket "they are to distracted"

never make fun of a man who drinks black coffee.. you will become the victim of a dark roast

Somebody made fun of my big, colorful beak the other day. Well Toucan play at that game.

(first joke pls don't roast thx)

What's the difference in roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

My wife gives me head every Monday. She won't let any of Sunday's roast chicken go to waste.

My overweight boss asked me to roast him at his retirement party.. I told him that as a lifelong Muslim, I was forbidden from consuming pork.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef...

My wife is angry because I brought home a B.L.T. instead of a roast beef sandwich. Oops, wrong sub.

I hate how woman always look at me like i'm a piece of meat and feel the need to roast me.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef...

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Which global disasters happen when you drop a roast turkey? The downfall of Turkey, the break-up of China, and the overthrow of Greece.

Whats the differance between a roast beef sandwich and a blow job? You don't know?

soooo...you wanna do lunch tomorrow?

A cowboy walks into a bar... He became a cowman

(Don't roast me too much... it's my first time posting)

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can roast beef but you can't pee soup.

A hot dog walks into a bar The bartender says, "We don't serve sandwiches here."

The hot dog says, "That's ok. I came for the roast beef."

I was addicted to lunch meats, but I quit cold turkey. I'm still hooked on salami and roast beef though.

What flavor of coffee is name for Joan of Arc? French Roast

What’s the difference between roast beef and forest fires? Anyone can roast beef but only YOU can prevent forest fires.

What do you call a baby born out of incest? ...a gross domestic product.

Credit to u/frosty_biscuits, u/Geolassie, and u/mylifeintopieces1 for collectively arriving at this joke in a roast thread.

The Guy Who Invent Autocorrect Just Died May he roast in piss ?

Guest at a restaurant! Guest at a restaurant: “I refuse to eat this roast beef. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? It is really easy to roast beef.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup Everyone can roast beef

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup. Anyone can roast beef, but it’s not easy to pea soup.

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? You can’t pea soup

Why didn't Joan of Arc ever poke fun at her friends? Because she knew they'd roast her

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Everyone can roast beef, but no one can pea soup.

What do you call Marty McFly in the oven? Roast Chicken

They should roast Tom Cruise sometime... Call it the Cruise-ifixion

What’s the difference between roast beef and pea stew? I can roast beef.

Roast beef on French roll Oops wrong sub.

^Make ^that ^black ^forest ^ham ^on ^italian

Kylie Jenner asked me to roast her. I said platics don't roast they melt.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea green soup? Anyone can roast beef.

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New Roast Jokes

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed. But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

My wife told me... she was going to make some roast beef in the slow cooker for dinner tonight,

but I think that’s a crock of bull.

What do you call an insulted cow? Roast beef.

What did the coffee maker say to the toaster? You toast my buns, I’ll roast your beans

Isn't Hitler an amazing comedian? He managed to roast 6 million Jews in his career

What did the stoner have for dinner? Pot Roast

What would a suicidal cannibal say ? Roast me

Do you know why Eminem is the only person that can roast Donald Trump? Because nothing rhymes with orange.

My wife accused me of being immature I told her to get out of my fort or my dragons would roast her.

Whats the difference between roast bee and pea soup? If you roast enough people, you get beef. But R.Kelly never got any soup!

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pea soup.

Mum got mad when she asked me to roast a chicken for tea Apparently "Yo mumma so fat they call her chicken *BIG*" wasn't an acceptable response.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Well, anyone can roast beef...

Someone I know died and is being cremated May he roast in peace

I realized I was addicted to roast beef sandwiches So I went cold turkey.

What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

What did the stoner have for dinner? A pot roast

What does the ghost like on his roast beef? grave-y

gravy

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef, but no one can pee soup.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anybody can roast beef, but it takes a special skill to pea soup.

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Long Roast Jokes

John dies and passes on to the afterlife...

He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."


John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."


Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.


The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.


"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."


With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.


Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.


On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.


A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.



The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."


The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.


John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.


Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.


"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."


The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.


They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.


Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.


After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.


John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.


He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.


Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.


Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.


"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."


They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.


John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"


John replies, "There isn't one."

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

Andrew, the Scot, opens his sandwiches, "Ach! haggis sandwiches! I'm sick of haggis sandwiches! If I get haggis sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

Paddy likewise opens his sandwiches, "Feck! potato sandwiches! I'm sick of potato sandwiches! If I get potato sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myself off this building!"

the next days comes and, what do you know. Arthur has roast beef again. Without a word, he jumps from the 20th floor. Likewise, Andrew has haggis. Without so much as a whisper, he swan-dives the full 20 floors.
Mournfully, Paddy eyes his potato sandwiches. With a final salute to the world, he too jumps off. All three men quite dead.

At the funeral the tearful wife of the Englishman says, "All Arthur had to do was tell me he didn't like roast beef. I'd have made him another filling!"

The wife of the Scotsman sniffs, "I loved my Andrew! I would have made him any sandwich he'd asked for, if he'd just said something!"

The wife of the Irishman is quite unmoved, "The fecking idiot made his own sandwiches!"

Can you call the British PM a fool?

During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.

The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?

Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".

The Lawyer's dog

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,
"We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."

The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into forks afterwards.

The chief then walks up to the second man and says,
"We will roast your flesh over the fire and have a great feast! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like to enjoy your most beautiful woman before I die."

The chief grants the man his request and roasts his flesh over the fire afterwards.

Finally the chief approaches the third man and says,
"We will kill you and use you skin to build a canoe! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like one of the forks you made from the first guy's bones."

The chief looks confused but decides to grant him his request anyway.

As soon as the man is given the fork, he begins to stab himself all over his body while laughing maniacally. He turns to the chief and yells,
"Now you'll never get your damn canoe!"

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him a top chef of the kingdom. Many apprentices flocked across the world to be his student, but the cook never took any in. Until he came upon one apprentice he was very fond of. This man did everything precisely and worked hard and he finally decided to take him in as his apprentice. On the first day, the apprentice first asked, "what makes your food so tasty and amazing?" The cook merely replied, "A secret ingredient," and said nothing more. After a month of serving many delicious dishes with the cook, the apprentice claims, "It's been almost a month now and you have never let me prepare the final part of the dishes we make; what is the secret that makes ur food so good?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and he never brings up the subject for a while. A year has now passed and the apprentice asks again," we have served the kingdom with food and yet you have never told me what the final preparation is nor have you showed it to me; what is it?" The cook merely replies, "A secret ingredient," and the young man gives up. Many decades pass and the cook is now old and ready to die. The apprentice, on his side the whole time, is on his deathbed with the cook. Then with his frail hands, the cook manages to get out a tiny box, open it, and whispers, "It's thyme my friend."

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, “Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”

The lawyer replied, “Of course, how much was the roast?”

“$7.98.” said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

I saw a man on the street with a sign saying he was hungry.

I told him I had an extra sandwich and he could pick which one he wanted, turkey or roast beef. He looked at both sandwiches for about 30 seconds, them threw up his hands and ran off.

I wondered for a second, then I remembered,

"Beggars can't be choosers"

A group of construction workers, an Irishmen, a Mexican, and a Blonde are sitting on the 24th floor of a construction building...

The Irishman says "corn beef cabbage again, I swear to God if i get corn beef cabbage again I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Mexican man says "tacos and beans, goddamnit, I swear to god if I get tacos and beans one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Blonde man says "bologna sandwich, goddamnit I swear to god if I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof too!"

The next day the Irishman looks in his lunch and sees corn beef cabbage, and he immediately jumped to his death. The Mexican man similarly see his tacos and beans and infuriated jumped to his death. The blonde man looked in his lunch and sees a bologna sandwich and in turn, jumped to his death.

At the funeral, but Irishmans wife says "oh my I could've made him roast or stew or anything else". The Mexican man the wife says "oh my I could've made him burritos or Enchiladas or anything else".

They both turned to look at the Blonde man's and wife waiting for her statement... she looks at them both puzzled and says "I don't feel bad, he made his own damn lunches!"

Non-kosher Rabbi

One day, an old rabbi decides that he wants to try pork, forbidden in the Torah. But, because he’s the rabbi, he can’t risk being seen by anyone in his congregation. So he decides to take a vacation. He buys his tickets, flies out to Brazil, finds an expensive restauraunt and orders the roast pork. As he’s waiting, however, a couple from his congregation walks into the same restauraunt. They instantly recognize him, come up to him, and just as they’re saying hello, the Rabbi’s pork is brought out: a giant pig on massive platter with a big red apple in it’s mouth. As it’s placed in front of him, to the shock of the couple, the Rabbi exclaims: “My goodness...so this is how they serve apples here!”

This guy goes to the doctor worried about his wife's hearing...

Man: Doctor, my wife is not hearing well lately. But I don't want to tell her as it will make her upset. Can you give me a pill or something that I can slip in her drink and make her hear better?


Doctor: Well, I need a bit of information first to prescribe you the right drugs. How bad is it? Does she listens to you when you talk from across the room? Is the problem constant during the day? etc etc


So the guy returns home to perform the test on his wife in order to tell the doctor. He sees that his wife is at the back of the garden taking care of a plant with her back to him.


He starts at 50 feet: "Darling, what do we have for dinner?". No answer. He moves in closer, at 30 feet: "My love, what do we have for dinner?". No answer. He moves in closer, at 15 feet: "My dear, what do we have for dinner?". Still no answer. Getting worried that things are worse than what he thought he moves in closer, at 5 feet: "Honey, what do we have for dinner?". Still no answer. He moves in just behind her and says confidently: "Sweetheart, what do we have for dinner?". And his wife turns around and says: "For the fifth time: Roast with Potatoes".

A recent widow, Elizabeth, gets dressed up in her mourning cloths and goes shopping for the week

She's known the butcher for years and says "Every year my husband insisted on a turkey for Easter. But now that he's dead, I can have whatever I want! I was thinking I'd do a nice roast or maybe a meatloaf. Is that traditional?"

The butcher just shakes his head. "No, black Betty. Ham or lamb."

An old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

So he decides to test her. One night while she's cooking on the stove, he stands behind her at the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No answer. He walks a few feet closer and asked again. "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no answer. He slowly shakes his head, puts his arms on her shoulders and whispers, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She yelled, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, HAROLD, WE'RE HAVING ROAST BEEF!"

There were a few sandwiches sitting on the table...

Although they were quite small, they looked absolutely titillating. The sign near them said they were free, so why not?

I grabbed a roast beef one, bit into it, and suddenly I heard a little voice telling me how good I looked, and how well I was dressed. I shortly realized it was coming from the sandwich. Confused, I grabbed another sandwich, this time ham and cheese. Same thing. It was telling me how nice I smell and how my hair is very well styled. Although very nice to hear, I was dumbfound. After all, how can a sandwich talk? Whatever.

I then noticed another tray of sandwhiches...but kind of out of view. I walked over and man...these looked like the best things ever made. I picked one up, but the moment I laid hands on it, it started cursing at me, called me ugly, fat, etc. Taken aback, I tossed the sandwich down and went to one of the caterers.

"What is wrong with these sandwiches? The first two I had were very nice and friendly...but the third was very rude and disrespectful..."

The caterer responded, "Oh, only the first two trays were complimenttray..."

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest were at a communal dinner when a dish of roast pork was served.

The priest leaned into the rabbi's ear and whispered, "You planning on eating that buddy?"

The rabbi chuckled and replied, "Not today. But I'm definitely planning to have some at your wedding."

What are our names?

A hen and her chick are having a talk.
"Why do humans have names, but us chickens don't? All we have is chicken, or hen.", asks the chick.
"Well, humans may have names when they are ALIVE, but when they are dead, they are only called ghosts.", Says the hen, "but, we have lots of names when we are dead. Such as chicken curry, fried chicken, roast chicken...."

At the World Women's Conference...

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"

The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"

To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"

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