Roasting Jokes


Funniest Roasting Jokes

People need to be a little bit more considerate of Trump's decision to skip the White House Correspondents' dinner. The roasting waiting for him there would probably have made him the second black president.

Funny Roasting Jokes

If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks. He was good at roasting people.

Yesterday, I had a blast roasting this random fat guy in a comedy club the audience loved it but some said it was a little too spicy for their taste.

Russia announces it will be celebrating Thanksgiving this year And yes, they will be roasting Turkey.

I’m strongly against elephant poaching. It makes the meat stringy and tasteless, roasting at a medium heat for 40 minutes per pound yields a much better result.

Marvel endgame spoiler joke (roses are red) Roses are red

Thor is fat

The god of thunder ends up playing fortnite and roasting children on voice chat

Sunburns. Dont even try to challenge the Sun on a roasting session, they give out the sickest burns in the Galaxy.

When ever someone asks me how I'm able to insult people so well..... I say "I'm German, roasting people is what I do..."

So there was this kid, he tried insulting me so I started roasting him too Though He got burnt a little Idk why everyone at the barbeque party called 911.

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Long Roasting Jokes

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

My dad's lame holiday joke

During the holiday season, a man is aimlessly drifting around a shopping center, wondering what to get his wife for Christmas. Wandering into a pet store, he asks the shop assistant, "Hey, buddy, you got anything with a Christmas-type theme in here?"

"Well, there is Chet, the parrot," the assistant replies.

Chet looks like any normal parrot, nothing special, so the guy asks, "What's so Christmassy about him?"

"Well, he can sing Christmas carols," says the assistant.


"Yup," says the assistant. "Lemme show ya. See, all ya gotta do is light a match and hold it under his left foot, like so, and Chet'll go..."

"Awrrk! Frosty the Snowman was a jolly happy soul..." Chet sings.

"Wow, that's amazing! Does he do any more?"

"Sure does! Now, if you hold the match under his right foot instead, he'll go..."

"Awrrk! Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, had a very shiny nose..." Chet sings.

Well, now the guy is really impressed, but he has to ask, "Does Chet know any more carols?"

"Oh, sure, he knows one more! See, if you hold the match BETWEEN his two feet, he goes..."

"Awrrk! Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..

Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Talk about bad timing...

Too soon for Christmas jokes?

A man walks in to a pet store and says to the clerk, "My girlfriend really loves animals. Do you have one that would make a great Christmas present?" The clerk say, "Sure, how about this bird? His name is Chet. Chet sings Christmas songs."

The man looks at Chet and says, "That sounds perfect. Show me." The clerk takes a lighter and puts it under the bird's left wing. The bird starts singing the greatest rendition of White Christmas that the man had ever heard. The clerk then takes the lighter and places it under the bird's right wing, and the bird starts singing a perfect version of Jingle Bells. At this point, the man is so impressed that he pays for the bird and hurries home.

As soon as he gets home, he thinks to himself, "I better check to make sure that old man didn't scam me." He puts the lighter to the bird's left wing, and just like in the store, the bird starts singing White Christmas. He puts the lighter under the bird's right wing, and sure enough, the bird starts singing Jingle Bells. So then he thinks, "What if I put the lighter between the bird's legs?" He slowly places the lighter between the bird's leg, and the birds starts screaming, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON A OPEN FIRE!"

The neighbours hate us

"The neighbours hate us."


"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"

"Yeah, that was really fun."

"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her huband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"

"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."

"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

Island Joke

A white guy, a Mexican guy and a Chinese guy are stranded on an island. The white guy says, "okay, we need to get to work if we're going to survive. I'll hunt for food. Mexican guy, you go build us shelter. Chinese guy, you go get us some supplies. We'll meet back here at sunset."

The white guy is roasting a pig over the fire, while the Mexican guy is putting the finishing touches on the shelter. As the sun sinks into the horizon, the Mexican guy finally asks: "so... where's the Chinese guy?" Then, out of nowhere, the Chinese man jumps out of the bushes yelling, "SUPPLIES!!"

John gets a Christmas parrot

John decided to get his wife a Christmas present. Maybe a puppy. Walking in to the pet store, he searches for the right puppy.

"Excuse me sir, are you looking for a Christmas present?" the clerk asked. "Yes, I think she would like a puppy," John replies.

"Here," motioning towards the back of the store, "we have a very special bird, Chet. He sings Christmas carols. See, light a match and hold it under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh." "Perfect," John exclaims.

Molly was home as she hears John knocking on the door. Letting him in, John proudly smiles, "His name is Chet. I got you a singing parrot!" Raising a eyebrow, Molly stares at him. Placing the parrot on his stand, John lights a match. "Listen to him sing when I hold the match under his left foot." The parrot begins to sing again, "Silent night, holy night." Pulling the match away, "And now his right foot." The parrot sings, "Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh."

"Well, what do you think?" Jon smiles. Molly stood quietly, "What would happened if you hold the match, well, between his feet?"

Holding the match between his feet, the parrot squawks, "CHET'S NUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE!"

My favorite Christmas joke

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife.

The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird.

The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.

The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."

The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."

The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. He rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.

Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."

The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.

Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing "Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

Funny Story

As the coals from our barbecue burned down...
... our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks. Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly.

They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why.........we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them...

The Christmas Parrot

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

A bird named Chet

I heard this long ago and hadn't told it in years. Another bird joke I just read, combined with the date, suddenly jarred my memory. I've never written it so there's probably a better version out there, but here goes.

A guy goes to a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. He looks around for a while, but nothing is really hitting the spot. Finally a salesperson asks if they can help him find anything. After explaining the situation the attendant says "you should meet Chet, he's perfect for a Christmas gift!". The man is surprised to be shown a rather plain looking, unremarkable, parrot.

"What's so great about him?" he asks. "Watch this" says the salesperson who then takes out a lighter and holds it under the birds left foot. Suddenly Chet breaks out in song with a beautiful rendition of 'O Holy Night'. "Wow! That's amazing!" the man exclaims. "Oh, that's not it" says the salesperson as she moves the lighter under the birds other foot. Once again Chet starts singing, this time a fun 'Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer'. The man purchases the bird and rushes home to show his wife, repeating the same demonstration as the the salesperson.

A few days later the wife has a friend over, and decides to show off her new pet. She finds a lighter, introduces her friend to Chet, then lights the lighter and holds it between the birds legs. Chet starts off in song... "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

My friend has a parrot...

He comes over and says, "My parrot Chet can sing if I light a match under his foot. See?"

He lights a match under Chet the parrot's right foot and the parrot starts singing Happy Birthday.

"What happens if we light it under his left foot?" I ask. We do, and he starts singing 100 Bottles of Beer On The Wall.

"What happens if we light it under his balls?" I ask. We do, and he starts singing,

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

The night before Christmas, a man steps into a pet store to buy his daughter a Christmas present.

An employee spots him walking around and asks if he can help.

"I want to buy my daughter a present for Christmas, but I have no idea what to get her. Do you have any pets that do tricks?"

"Follow me, " the employee says. They walk to one section with several birds, and stop in front of one cage.

"This parrot's name is Chester," the employee says, "but we all call him Chest for short."

"What tricks does he do?" the man asks.

"He sings Christmas carols. If you light a match next to his left leg, he sings 'Jingle Bells'. If you light a match next to his right leg, he sings 'Santa Claus Is Coming To Town.'"

"What does he sing if you light a match between his legs?" the man asks.

"I don't know. We've never done that," the employee answers. He takes a match out and lights it between the bird's legs. The bird immediately sings "Chest Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire."

My Christmas chestnuts joke...

This one's kind of corny, but it's always been a good one for me that's safe with family.

A man walks into a pet shop to buy a parrot, and he's sees several beautiful varieties for sale. One of the parrots looks fairly bedraggled, and is not nearly as colorful as the rest, but it's price is far higher than the others. He's asks the store owner why that particular bird is so expensive and the owner explains that that bird is musical, and if you light a match under his feet he'll sing Christmas carols. The man is intrigued so he's buys the bird and takes him home, and later that day he decides to see what carols the bird can sing. So, he lights a match and holds it under the parrot's left foot, and the bird starts to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way." Then the man holds the match under the right foot, and the bird starts to sing, "Silent night, holy night, all is calm...". So, then the man holds the match directly underneath the bird between his legs, and the bird starts to sing, "chestnuts roasting on an open fire..."

A guy walks into a Pet Store on Christmas Eve.

He doesn't have a whole lot of time to spare before the stores close and figured that a pet would be a perfect gift. The salesman approaches him.

"Hello, how can I help you today?" The salesman asked.

"I'm looking for a gift for my wife, but I don't know what to get her," the man replies. The salesman thinks on this a moment before speaking up.

"Well, if I may make a suggestion, I have this parrot over here that I taught to sing. His name's Chet." The salesman leads him over to a beautifully colored parrot. The man looks the parrot over for a minute.

"What does he sing?"

"Watch." The salesman pulls Chet from the cage and holds him in his hand. He takes a lighter and strikes it, putting the flame under the parrot's right leg. Chet begins to sing *Silent Night*. Once Chet finishes, the salesman then puts the fire under the parrot's left leg. Chet sings *Jingle Bells*. The man is incredibly impressed. "As you can see, he will sing Silent Night if you put the fire under his right leg and Jingle Bells if under the left."

"I'll take him!" The man exclaims. After purchasing the parrot the man takes him home and sets the cage under the tree. Christmas Morning comes and he shows off the parrot's skill to his wife. He takes the lighter and puts the fire under Chet's right leg and Chet sings *Silent Night*. After the song the fire is moved to Chet's left leg and he sings *Jingle Bells.*

"That's amazing!" The wife cries. "But what does he sing if you put the fire *between* his legs?"

"Huh. I don't know," the husband admits. "Let's try it." He moves the fire between Chet's legs and the parrot begins to sing.

*"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fiiiiire."*

Dogless Wonder

Walkers stunned by a man out for a walk, without a dog!

A gentleman was spotted this evening walking over the Berkley Moors, on his own, without a dog.

A few locals were concerned over the situation and called the local high visibility-vest wearing, non-police, community support for, um, support. None was given. They professed that this was not a crime, and that even if it was they still could do absolutely nothing.

The stunned locals were still adamant that this was unheard of and that something should be done, the man in question was not even walking hand in hand with a significant other and it was bitterly cold.

One local, who has chosen to remain nameless, but we shall know her as Mavis, exclaimed, “I have never known anything of the like, this is absolute madness he could be a rapist or burglary person, who knows what he was thinking, I was for one was absolutely terrified and my wee Jack Russell, Terrance was utterly not himself.”

Talking to the accused, he said, “it was a brisk evening and while his Sunday Roast was roasting away in the oven he asked his wife, Geraldine if she fancied a stroll in the early evening sun of a fresh November? To which she returned that she would rather boil and eat her own toenails that she was currently pedicuring, so he decided to take the walk himself. He added that he meant no harm or to raise alarm but that he could see how it could have brought tension to the moors.

Since chatting and relating to the people of Berkley, the man, who is known locally as George will now be looking at getting himself a dog or a cat with a lead. No further action has been taken.

Chet, the Amazing Singing Parrot

A man walked into a pet store and saw a parrot on a perch that said, “Chet, the amazing singing parrot”. The man asked the clerk how to make Chet sing. The clerk says, “Easy, just watch”. The clerk lights a lighter and puts it under Chet’s right foot. (I do NOT condone harm to animals) Chet starts singing, “Jingle bells jingle bells, jingle all the way”. The man is amazed and asked the clerk if Chet sings any other songs. The clerk lights the lighter and puts it under Chet’s left foot. Chet starts singing, “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose”. The man is completely flabbergasted at how incredible Chet is. The man thinks to himself, “Hmm, I wonder what else Chet can sing”. So he takes the lighter, lights it, lifts Chet’s tail and puts the lighter under Chet. He starts singing, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire...”

[Discussion] Anyone have any jokes for this situation?

Firstly, i'm not exactly sure if i'm allowed to post this type of thread. If i'm not, please redirect me to a subreddit that could possibly help before spewing mindless hatred.

A friend of mine has started dating a new girl recently and she's two years younger than him and she's underage. They've already gotten very close, if you catch my drift. Everyone's been roasting him for fun lately and he's been taking it like a champ. I've heard stuff like "Did you give her a kinder egg afterwards?" and general jokes relating to nappies, pacifiers etc. I was hoping that some of you guys could set me up with some jokes for this particular situation. Thank you and much appreciated:)

parakeet joke

a person has a parakeet, if you put fire beneath its feet it sings christmas songs. so the person puts a lighter under the right foot the parakeet sings: "all i want for christmas is you!" they put it under the left foot, the parakeet sang "jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!" then the person wondered *HMMM* then they put the lighter under the middle, the parakeet sang "chestnuts roasting on an open fire."

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