Senior Jokes

Contents

Funniest Senior Jokes

They say that Christmas is a Pagan holiday, but... A senior figure secretly dispensing the contents of his sack for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm... I’m the CIEIO

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home. "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

A senior citizen was driving down the freeway... when his wife called his cell phone.

"Honey, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said the man, "It's hundreds of them!"

Funny Senior Jokes

I got a job as the senior administrator of the old McDonald farm I’m the CIEIO

A senior citizen is sitting at a bar.. A young woman walks in and sits down a couple seats over. The old man gets up, shuffles over to her, leans over and asks "So, do I come here often?"

Where do senior citizens often go to the restroom? Depends.

Driving down the highway So this senior citizen was driving down 93 when his wife called him on the phone. "Be careful! I just saw on the news there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway!"


"It's not just one car, it's hundreds of 'em!"

Guys, please don't drink and drive this holiday season! If you want to drive safely we can help.

Please call us. We have senior experienced people of all ages


Our volunteers will come and drink for you so you can drive safely

Just got the job as senior director on Old Macdonald’s farm. I’m the CIEIO

Congratulations 2020 graduating class Reigning senior skip day champions!

I finally found an app for my senior love life!! Carbon Dating <3

I’m going to be working as the senior director at Old McDonald’s farm. They’ve made me the CIEIO

What do you call it when a guy named Jerry sleeps with three senior citizens in a nursing home in one night? A Jerry Hat Trick

When people ask me what I do for a living I just tell them I'm a senior analyst It sounds better than saying I just stare at old people all day

Senior year of high school is a lot like a retirement home... You don't work anymore, you hate everyone who's younger than you, and in a few months, all of your old friends will be dead to you.

I just got a job as Senior director at old MacDonald's farm I'm the CIEIO

Everyone in the senior class of ninja school was marked absent today. They all got an A+

I forgot to bring the drinks to my senior prom. But hey, look at the bright side. No punch line.

What's the difference between a junior software engineer and a senior software engineer? A senior software engineer writes wrong code faster.

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Senior have in common? Their last hit was the wall.

Just got the job as the senior director of the Old McDonald Farm I’m the CIEIO

Here's a joke about my senior year of college. I tried.

What was the radioactive senior citizen's super power? Gramma Rays

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home "Sheldon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Sheldon said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

Senior discounts are kind of like early going away presents

A well dressed 80yr old man walks into the senior center... he stops, surveys the room and sees an attractive 70 yr old lady sitting by herself. he adjust his tie and walks over to her.
" So," He says, " do I come here often?"

Help us choose a new name for our nonprofit. We're teenagers in China and Japan helping senior citizens. Apparently 'Youth in Asia for the Elderly' isn't having the effect we thought it would.

Have you heard of the new senior board game? It's called "Alzhimers Hide 'N Seek".

It's single-player.

How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome? You pull down their gene's and have a look!

Credit:
I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm I'm now the CIEIO

What do you call Australian senior citizens? Boomer-angs

My Nan just got this sweet new senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast! It can do 30 aisles per hour.

My Nan just got this cool senior citizen scooter And man is that thing fast. It can do 30 aisles per hour!

People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday... But a senior figure dispensing the contents of his sack to every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

Where do the senior army officials buy stuff? A: The General store Why are the young recruits sexually active? A: They have Private parts

I was kicked out of the Army for prematurely ejaculating with a Senior Officer Dishonorable discharge

Do you know what JFK said to become senior class president? Ask not what you can do for your student body president, ask what you can do for your student president's body

There is a new site for senior citizen dating. Its called "I've fallen in love and I can't get up."

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New Senior Jokes

Future surgeon here and this is going to be my senior yearbook quote &#x200B;

Dan Brady

"I love the feeling when I can make people open up to me."

A novice police officer ask his senior about how many bullets are usually shot on the job. The senior, surprised about the question, responds: “I don’t know that but I can give you an aproximal rate, probably around 5mm per second”

I do really feel bad for the class of 2020. People say your senior year flies. I just didn't realize that it would Zoom.

Apparently many senior Catholic clergy like to play really convoluted practical jokes. Yeah; they're all fiddly kidders.

The Coronavirus has stolen my Senior Year How Dare You

I’ve been dating my girlfriend since high school.. ... and now as a senior in college people always ask us how we do it.

Well, usually missionary, I reply. Sometimes doggy if we’re feeling up for it.

A man walks into a buffet A man walks into a buffet. As he starts to pay for his drink he asks for the senior discount.

The cashier looks at him closely, and replies "but you're clearly not old!"

The man replies "but mi hijia, I am a señor."

My brother doesn’t like changes. He has gone to a prom with a high-school senior girl already for a decade.

Apparently my grandma slept with a lot of men to get where she got President of her senior citizen's club

What do you call senior citizens with erectile dysfunction training for the summer games? Oldlimpdick athletes.

For my senior quote, I’ll have a saying from a famous person “Nah” - Rosa Parks, 1955

Why did she sleep with an old man? Senior dicks count

My husband and I are taking my mother-in-law to the airport tomorrow and just leaving her there It’s senior ditch day.

I’m going to open a night club for senior citizens. The Soft Rock Cafe

When Silentó grows old, what will he be saying a lot to his senior assistant? Ooh wash me, wash me
Ooh wash me, wash me

I just got a job as a senior director in a nursing home. I tell old people where to go.

What do you call someone who thinks they deserve a senior discount? A white hair supremacist.

Senior year is like an abortion If you don’t try until the third term, the results are gonna be pretty ugly

My friend said he went down on a senior citizen. I asked him what it tasted like and he said,
Depends.

I was walking down the street after school when I saw one of the freshman’s in my senior Calculus class getting beat up by 4 dudes. So being the Good Samaritan I am, I joined in to help. That little nerd didn’t stand a chance against the 5 of us.

What do you call a High School Senior girl in Alabama? You call her a MILF.

I went into an old folks home the other day.... I asked why did they give the male senior citizens Viagra everyday. I asked... "Do these old guys get that lucky in here?" "Heck no" said the nurse. "This keeps them
from rolling out of bed"

I got promoted to the senior supervisor at the cheese factory. I am now the greater grater grader.

Why was the flat-chested college senior so well respected? Because she was the head of the Itty-Bitty-Titty-Committee.
(their influence and power knows no mounds)

So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra..... Credits to my uncle, for making this his senior quote in highschool. Not sure if he thought of it or not.

I heard George Bush Senior is in the hospital in critical condition... I guess some people really would rather die than watch Trump be sworn in this Friday.

What did the cop say to senior citizen he caught stealing Depends? 'Ur in trouble.

In Mexico every software developer is senior

What's the best way to ensure that Asia's senior citizens' pension programs are financially sound? Sufficient amount of youth in Asia.

How many senior medical consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one.


He holds up the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds? Old habits die hard

Why didn't Rick Grimes settle his group in an abandoned senior center? Too many walkers.

I'm a senior in college with 2 semesters left, and I'm considering picking up a minor Do I lie about my age, or do I just offer to buy her cigarettes and booze?

My grandpa flirting with a 91 year-old lady at his senior home. "You look young enough to be my daughter."

What does it taste like to go down on a senior citizen? Depends.

Bush Senior broke his neck He was trying to show Jeb Bush how to dodge wrenches, hey Jeb if George can dog a shoe then I can dog wrench!

Russian 'Matreshka' Doll store is looking for a senior manager... also a manager, a junior manager and a junior manager's assistant.

It would be horrible if a Mexican male's name was rita. Hello, Senior Rita.

What do you call a senior lady on her period A Ragtime Gal

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Long Senior Jokes

Hooters

Two men grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and
the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to
play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those servers with the beautiful bosoms, the tight shorts
and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again?  Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they
have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again.  "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay."

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Lawyer: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Lawyer: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.

Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Lawyer: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that...

...he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets.

"Was I smiling?" Trump asked.

"I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."

An older woman gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer : Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer : Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

*The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun*

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

*The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled*

Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.

A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the North American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing. So, North American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.

They advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

To prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team’s management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder.

It was called the"Rowing Team Quality First Program“, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices, and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the North American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments in new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year’s racing team was outsourced to India.

"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last point: No Jews please.'

Sending a written message, the captain replied:

'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending three of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.

The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern university in Chicago, with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate.

Finally, the third officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship's doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .'

Upon receiving this letter, the mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by three handsome naval officers (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, three very handsome, smiling black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, 'There must be some mistake.'

'No, Madam,' said the first officer, 'Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.'

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?!?!

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands her license to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley and back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!

A Governor who was going for a...

...foreign tour, had lots of cash lying with him. He thought it would be safest to keep it with a Senator and requested him to keep it until he returns. The Senator agreed but insisted the transaction be witnessed by two of his senior advisors. “Money matters can lead to serious misunderstandings.” said Senator. ”It is always wise to have two witnesses.”


The Governor saw the wisdom of the advice. The cash was handed over to the Senator in the presence of two of his senior advisors.


Some weeks later when the Governor returned home, he called on the Senator and asked for the return of his money.


“What money?” asked the Senator. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”


“The cash I left with you.” pleaded the Governor. “You even had two of your senior advisors as witnesses.”


“Let’s ask them.” replied the Senator. The senior advisors were called to the Senator’s office.


“Do you know anything about this Governor leaving money with me?” asked the Senator.


“No sir, I know nothing” replied one. “No sir, he didn’t leave any money with you.” said the other. The senior advisors left the room. The Senator opened his safe and gave the Governor his cash.


“Why did you first say you knew nothing about my money”? Asked the bewildered Governor.


“I just wanted to know what kind of senior advisors I have. “ Replied the Senator.

Two Roman commanders were tasked with conquering the Gauls.

One of them, Marcus Maximus, has vigorously trained his fighting men to within an inch of their lives. He thinks he is ready for any eventuality.

The other, more senior commander, goes by Brutus Quintus. He also has highly trained men under his command but he never goes anywhere without a unit of half-naked northern men painted blue. They are, in fact, a group of Pictish barbarians.

On the morning of the battle Marcus Maximus charges forward and destroys the Gauls almost immediately. It is total supremacy on the battlefield and Brutus Quintus just watches it all happen silently without committing a single soldier to the battle.

The following morning the army awakes and there, through some sorcery, is the Gaul army untouched and waiting again for battle. Again Marcus Maximus leads his troops into the fight and wipes out the Gauls only to awaken the next morning to find them magically waiting again.

Five days running Marcus defeats the Gauls and yet each morning his victory is undone by the magics of the Gauls.

Finally on the sixth day Brutus Quintus lines up his troops with his Pictish barbarians in the vanguard. They charge into the Gauls wiping them out. The next morning Marcus Maximus awakens ready to taunt Brutus for his failure but there on the field of battle is all the evidence of the defeated Gauls. Somehow, Brutus Quintus has defeated the Gauls and their magic.

Marcus Maximus looks to Brutus Quintus and asks him, "How did you undo these magics."

Brutus Quintus calmly replies, "Simple Marcus, you must understand that you need Picts or it didn't happen."

Mr. Smith is Dead

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm's senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client on the phone.

"I'm very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night," the receptionist answered.

"Is Mr. Smith there?", repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. "Perhaps you didn't understand me I'm afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night."

"Is Mr. Smith there?", asked the client again.

"Ma'am, do you understand what I'm saying?", said the exasperated receptionist. "Mr. Smith is DEAD!"

"I understand you perfectly," the client sighed. "I just can't hear it often enough."

Me and my buddies go-to joke.

A high school senior is in a rush to get everything he needs ready for his high school prom the next day. First thing he needs to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the tux shop and there's a huge line. So he waits in the line, gets his tux, and goes on his way. The next thing he needs are flowers for his date. He gets to the flower shop, and again, there's a huge line. He waits in the line, gets his flowers, and goes on his way. The last thing he needs is his limo to take his date to prom in. He goes to the limo rental center, and once again, there's an enormous line. He waits in the line, rents his limo for the next day, and finally goes home. The next day he shows up to his dates house, tux on, flowers in hand, riding in a fancy limo. His date and him get to the prom, and start dancing. After a while he starts to get really thirsty. He asks his date, "Hey do you want something to drink?" She replies, "Oh sure, could you grab me some punch?" The guy leaves his date to get her some punch, and sure enough, there's no punch line.

Old guy bought a new car

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are on a plane...

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking seniors are not so smart and that he could get one over on them easily. So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game. The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of
fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says. This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, but to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up. He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Trump watches as the Queen phones David Cameron and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

David Cameron responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Trump?"

Trump nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Trump, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put his entourage to the test. Trump summons to-be Vice-President Mike Pence to the White House and says, "Tell me Mike, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Trump poses the question: "Well, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Pence hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Trump agrees, and Pence leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Pence calls Rex Tillerson at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Tillerson answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Pence rushes back to the White House, finds Donald Trump, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Rex Tillerson!"

And Trump replies in disgust, "Of course not, dumbass! It's David Cameron!"

EDIT: Yup, I know it's a Bush joke. And I know that Theresa May is current PM. But come on, isn't the joke much better with David Cameron?

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.

At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

Old joke, still funny

A genius senior in high school takes a chemistry test. He gets his score back and is shocked he missed exactly one question and thus would not be accepted to his university of choice. He is especially bummed because the question he missed was “How many valence electrons does a Hydrogen atom have?” In his haste to complete the test, he had answered 2.
Depressed and despairing, he takes a walk alone along a beach and is lost in thought when he trips on a metal object in the sand. Picking it up, he finds it to be a bronze oil lamp, and as his fingers brush the surface of the lamp, a genie suddenly appears. The genie thunders, “I can grant you any one wish, but you must answer now. What do you desire?” The student eyes light up and immediately replies, “I wish I had gotten that question right,” and the universe explodes.

The Conductor.

There once was an aspiring young music stundent. His greatest desire in life was to become a worldknown conductor. He spent 8 hours a day in school, practicing most instruments he could find. He already mastered guitar, piano, bass, violin, oboe and flute fairly well. He spent 3 hours a day lsitening to classical music, analyzing it so he could learn to write it himself. At the tender age of 8 he had learned to read notes fluently.

One day, he saw an ad in the local newspaper: "Conducting classes! For beginners and experts!" it said. The boy was thrilled. Finally, he had found a place where he could learn to conduct. So he went to the community center, to room 213, and was greeted by a rather small group spread out in a room with at least 40 chairs in rows. In the front of the room stood an elderly man, looking like he was passing through his eighties. He smiled a warm smile. The boy carefully made his way through the room. He sat down on a chair in the middle row, which was empty. He counted 13 other people in the room, including the elderly teacher. Most of them were older then he was, the oldest looking almost as old as teacher. "Probably pursuing a choldhood dream", the boy thought.

Suddenly, the teacher spoke. "Welcome!" He said. "My name is Tony Stryker, and I will be your teacher in the conducting classes." He smiled that warm smile again. "Let's first of all try out your skills! I will be sitting by this piano" he pointed at an old, battered piano in the corner, "and pla, and you will all conduct me, one by one! No worries now, you're all here to learn!" He once again cracked into that lovely smile. "So, how about we start with you, young lady?"

The lady he had nodded at rose. She was tall, slender, with a hard face. Probably around her thirties. She walked to the front of the room, and stood in front of the piano. The old teacher looked at her. "Whenever you're ready." He said, and smiled. The woman raised her hands, and started moving her right hand in a motion which looked like an anchor: Down, left, right, up. Then she repeated it. She was steady, and looked straight at the man, who played along in her pace. After a while, he stopped. "Good, good!" He said. "Have a seat. Now, how about... Ah, my fellow senior citizen in the back!" He chuckled a little.

The old man rose, and slowly walked to the front of the room, his fedora a little crooked on his broad head. He stood in front of the piano, and raised his hands. They shook, and there was no way of telling if it was of nervousness, or some sort of disease. Maybe both. He then started doing the same motion as the woman had done, only not so steady in pace and a little slower. The teacher played along acordingly. He then said "Great job, really! Thank you." The man did a little bow, then went back to his place.

The teacher looked over the classroom. His eyes landed on the young boy. "How about you, lad?" He said, and smiled. THe boy stumbled a little as he rose, nervous and excited. He made his way to the front of the room, in front of the piano, and started moving his hands. It felt good. He knew what he was doing. He had watched so many concerts, he had memorized every move. He started speeding up the tempo. Faster and faster. Suddenly, the teacher started to look worried, but the boy paid no mind. He was having so much fun. The tempo roose and rose, until suddenly... Silence.

The teacher was bent over the piano. Someone yelled "Call 911!", others rushed to his side. But it was to late. The old man had had a heart attack. THe paramedics said it was fatal, but necessereily caused by something in his environment. Despite that, the boy was devastated. He couldn't help but feel it was somehow his fault. His parents felt so bad for him, they decided to move from the town, to escape all the bad memories. And so, they fled to New York.

They got a small apartment, where they quickly settled in. The boy still was devastated, however. But yet, he still held on to his dream. He was to become a conductor. For years he practised, tried to perfect his pace and his discipline. Eventually, on his 20th birthday, his parents got him the greatest present of all: The chance to conduct the local high schools rendition of "The Phantom of the Opera". He was overjoyed. The very next day, he went to the school, to meet with the orchestra and the cast.

He talked to them, told them his dreams, and befriended them. Then, it was time for rehersal. Granted, the orchestra didn't play so well, and the cast was just high school students after all, but it was all he wanted. They practised hard, and our concuvtor was very pleased with the result. Soon, it was time for the very first show. All the students parents were also, as well as the staff, and some who just wanted to see a cheap musical. The cast was nervous, but seemed to manage it: The orchetra was worse. All the musicians in the orchestra were having minor panic-attacks, and a few were crying. Our conductor gathered them all backstage, and held a pep talk. After it, all the participants felt inspired, and was calm again. Our conductor was pleased, and so the show began.

But something must have happened, because the moment the first song started, the audience flinched. It sounded awful. It was off-beat, different keys, and the wrong songs. The cast messed up their lines, and the tuba player fainted. A few of the parent walked out at that very moment. Our conductor was devastated: He knew it was his fault. He was nothing more than a bad conductor. He ran out of the school, and took the first train, going anywhere.

He rode it to the end station before he realized where he was: Austin, Texas. He looked aroud, and wondered what he should do. He a little money, so he found a cheap hotel, and immedieatly started looking for a job.

He was amazed when the first thing he found in the newspaper read "Assistant needed at Austin Concert Hall! Prior musical studies a must!". He thought about it, and then stood up. It was his dream. So he marched down to the Austin Concert Hall, and did an interview with the director. A few days later, he recieved a phone call in his hotelroom: He was hired.

He worked there for a couple a months, cleaning, tuning instruments, taking care of some legal forms, when all of a sudden the conductor of the orchestra approched him. " heard you wanted to become a conductor." He said. "How would you like to try to conduct our orchestra, just for fun?" Our conductor was stunned. He didn't know what to say. Of course he did, but who knew what could happen? He said to himself that nothing bad could happen, and told the chief conductor that he would love to try. But still, he walked with heavy steps towards the hall.

Inside, the whole orchestra was assembled on stage. Flutes, Violins, Cellos, Harps, Oboes and percussions, all in one place. It was beautifull. Put conductor stepped up to the stage, and onto the conductors podium... And gripped the Conductors baton. "Okay, guys..." He said, shakingly, "Let's... Let's play Mozart's 5th." He starte moving the baton, and it was glorious. usic was all around him, and he lost himself in it. However, as he lost himself, he also lost grip of the baton. It flew out of his hand, and straight into the mouth of one of the violin players.

She died immediately. Our conductor was charged with manslaughter, and taken to prison. He was sentanced to death, by the electric chair. They gave him his last meal, a last prayer, and put him in the chair. They strapped him up, put water on his forehead, and put on the headpiece. And then, they pulled the switch.

Nothing happened. The staff checked all the wires, all circuits, and tried again. Still nothing. They called in an electrician, who looked at the chair, and stated that nothing was wrong, that it should work properly. Once again, they tried. Nothing. Not so much as a twitch. After a few hours, the director of the prison walked up to the sentanced man and asked "Why won't you die? What is wrong you?!". Our protagonist looked at the director, and said in a tired voice "I suppose I'm just a poor conductor."

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