Simple Jokes

Contents

Funniest Simple Jokes

Funny Simple Jokes

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all i need Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32 It's simple meth

Some people have 32 teeth. Others have 10. It's simple meth.

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women? One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast? …Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

What's the Difference Between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero, the other is a simple command.

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you. Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

Some people have 32 teeth while others have 10... It's simple meth.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice... ...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.

I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong I mean, it's not rocket surgery

Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.

Most people have 32 teeth, some only have 5... It's simple Meth really!

When life gives you lemons... ... a simple surgery can give you melons.

What's the difference between iron man and iron woman? The one is a superhero and the other one is a simple command.

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Some people have 32 teeth, some have 10. It's simple meth.

What do Dora the Explorer and Internet Explorer have in common? They both take 20 minutes to perform a simple task.

Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery. Patient: My name is not David.

Doctor: I know... I'm David.

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding. When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick! All I did was buy bitcoin

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero; the other is a simple command.

If I make you breakfast in bed all I want is a simple “thank you” None of this “how’d you get in my house business”

*Not an original joke but I love it and wanted to share*

Life was so simple before I got married. I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions? They give me the EBGBs.

an accountant is interviewing for a job Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!

99% of people can do simple math operations. I belong to the other 2%.

Ironman and Ironwoman.. Whats the difference? One's a superhero - the other's a simple instruction!

You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally. Do it when you are offered food

A man goes to the Doctor and says... "Dr. I think I am half deaf"

The doctor then replied:

"No worries sir, I'll conduct a simple test, repeat after me, eighty-eight."

"Forty-Four"

I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” will suffice. None of this “how did you get in my house” business. So rude.

A simple joke for Starwars fans Where do Sith lords go shopping?

The Darth Maul

There are two types of people in the world. Those that can find an answer through simple deduction.

"I before E except after C." It's simple science.

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New Simple Jokes

American healthcare costs are out of a control A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!

My air conditioning system is very simple to operate It's a breeze.

What do you call the money that gets donated to female streamers? Simple present.

A Haiku Haikus are simple
But sometimes, they won’t make sense
Hippopotamus

David Foster Wallace writes a simple seafood recipe... 1. This is water
2. Consider the lobster

What do cops and simple artisan bread have in common? Not kneaded

Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!

I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> .

The daughters asks their father Dad, why is my name Rose?

It's simple darling, a Rose fell on your head as a child.

So why was I named Daisy?

Like your sister, a Daisy fell on your head when you were a child!

Huguluguluhala

Oh yeah that's right, let's go Brick!

I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.

A man is having LASIK eye surgery **Ophthalmologist:** John, stay calm. This is a simple procedure and the odds of blindness are very low.

**Patient:** Thanks, but my name isn't John.

**Ophthalmologist:** I know, mine is.

A young girl questions her mom: - Mom, how come you’ve never showed me pictures of when I was a baby.

- Very simple my dear, you were born blind.

Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh. Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?

Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.

​

P.S. My dad told me this today.

Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage: Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus

Tinder is simple geometry If you have good lines you'll get good curves

Today, I'll share with you this one SIMPLE trick to go from making 5 figures, to 7 figures... You count the two after the decimal

Life is so simple unless you work for NASA or SpaceX Everything else is not rocket science.

Teacher talking to a young black student. Teacher: It's a simple grammar question Leroy!.

"What comes at the end of a sentence?"

Leroy: Parole?

I scored 197 on an IQ test The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.

My girlfriend is a just a simple whiskey maker. But I love her still.

I have the utmost respect for our troops because of one simple fact. My girlfriend's husband fights for our freedom every day. If that isn't respectable, I don't know what is.

I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong! I mean, it's not rocket surgery!!!!

Today I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

a simple one **what do you call a team of**
**religious mutants?**


**A-men**

Following these simple steps, you can learn how to fall down the stairs: Step 1:

Step 2:

Step 4:

Step 7:

Step 14:

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. It’s simple meth.

[Pun] Say it in simple English Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!

Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?

Chicken: Cookdocoup

What the 2020 presidential election will be Thats all, a simple joke

This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not. You failed.

I'm not sure of the definition of Occam's Razor but I'm sure it's a simple one.

It's a sad commentary on modern society that an entire loving family can be torn apart by such a simple thing as a pack of wild dogs.

If I make you breakfast in bed A simple “thank you” is all I need.

Not all this “how did you get in my house” business

When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense.

How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick Walk through the front door during business hours.

Spanish is a tough language it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

Here's a simple one What do you call an hitmen who kills only in summer? A heat-man!

Russian Dolls are simple Get one, and Putin the other

You know why chrome os exist For it to eat all the ram in one simple operating system.

Huawei issue is quite simple really It's either Trump's way or the Huawei.

How do dairy farms do their taxes? Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.

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Long Simple Jokes

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"

"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."

"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"

"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender

"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"

"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"

"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches

Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.

The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"

The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"

The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.

A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"

"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick. The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery. The Englishman steals three buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman: “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”

“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says: “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times and after eating them again the owner says: “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”


The Irishman then said: “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”

An Irishman and an Englishman walk in to a bakery

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replies, "That's just simple thievery. I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then calls out to the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner is intrigued, so he comes over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asks him for a bun and then eats it. He then asks for two more and eats those as well. The owner says, "Okay, my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman says, "Look in the Englishman'pocket."

PS: Sorry if it's been posted before. Hope you like it :)

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?".

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first mathematician orders a beer.


The second orders half a beer.


"I don't serve half-beers," the bartender replies.


"Excuse me?" asks mathematician #2.


The bartender remarks, "What kind of bar serves half-beers? That's ridiculous."


"Oh c'mon!" says mathematician #1, "Do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along."


"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."


"But that's not a problem," mathematician #3 chimes in, "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"


"I know how limits work," interjects the bartender.


"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"


"Are you kidding me?" the bartender replies, "You learn limits in, like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"


Mathematician #1 screeches, "HE'S ON TO US!"


Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.


The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS!" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA!!!"


The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait," he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, progressives will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"


The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment.


"My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they suddenly vanish.


A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"


"It's simple really," the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."

The deaf wife problem.

Fred feared his wife Rhonda wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

A gain he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response..

So he walks right up behind her. 'Rhonda, what's for dinner?'



'Damn it, Fred, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple question, if you mother has a child and your father has a child, and it's not your brother or sister, then who is it?"

Tony Blair thinks for a moment and responds "Well it would be me"

"Correct. Thank you very much Tony" says the queen.

Bush says "Ahh, you know, that's real clever, I might have to try that on some of my cabinet members. Thank you very much"




Bush is now back home in the U.S and calls Donald Rumsfeld to his office.

"Donald, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"

Donald thinks long and hard and says "You know George, I'm not sure, but I'll give you an answer by tomorrow"

Bush agrees and lets Donald go.

Donald then gathers up the cabinet and asks them the question. Nobody knows the answer, and after many failed attempts somone speaks up and says "I know! lets ask Colin Powell! He's a smart man, he should know". So they call up Colin Powell.

They ask him, "Colin, we have an important question for you... if your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"

"You bunch of morons, it would be myself!" says Colin Powell.

"Ahhh!! We get it now!" says the members of the cabinet.

The next day Donald Rumsfeld approaches the president.

"Sir, I believe I have the answer to that question you asked me the other day." says Donald.

"Well ok, Donald, what is the answer?"

"Colin Powell!" says Rumsfeld

Bush looks at him for a second and gets up and yells "No you god damn idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

4 friends.

These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points): Which tire?

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

edit=correct word(s)

An Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results."

The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, "Sir, I want to show you a magic trick." The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.

The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, "Okay my friend, where's the magic trick?"

The Irishman then said, "Look in the Englishman's pockets."

Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"

"Well I just ask them a couple of simple questions. By their response I can quickly determine whether someone is intelligent or not."

"Would you mind showing me how to do that?" Trump asks.

Angela picks up the phone and calls Wolfgang Schäuble, her Minister of Finance and asks: "it's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?" The Minister replies: "That's easy, it's obviously me!"

Totally impressed Trump returns to the oval office and calls up his Vice-president Michael Pence. "Mike I have a question for you. It's the son of your father but it's not your brother. Who is it?" Micheal stalls for a moment, not knowing the answer. He tells Trump that he will sleep over it.

In the morning he wakes up still without a solution. So he rings up Barack Obama and passes the riddle to him. Obama immediately respons: "Well that's me!"

Relieved Michael calls up Trump and exclaims: "I got the answer to your question...it's Barack Obama!!!"

After a moment of silence, Trump explodes: "No you idiot, it's Wolfgang Schäuble!!!"

A jew is moving from USSR to Israel

A jew is moving from USSR to Israel and in his luggage he has a sculpture of Lenin . At the Russian border he is asked:


-What is this?
The jew answers


-The question is not what is this but who is this . This is Lenin and I want to bring him to my home country to preach how great Russia is and how good of an example Lenin is .
They let him pass


At the Israel border he is stopped once again and asked

-What is this ?
The jew answers


-The question is not what is this but who is this .This is Lenin the tyrant of Russia who is having Russia under his boot and woudn't let a simple man like me create a busyness.
They let him pass


Once he gets home his family asks him
-Who is this ?


The jew answers


-The question is not who is this but what is this .This is a 20 pound pure gold bust that I managed to smuggle out of Russia

Benny and the Magic Urn

Once upon a time there was a man named Benny. Benny was a simple man with simple talents and simple desires. He was a quiet fellow who loved to walk the beach when he had some time to spare. He was the kind of guy you wouldn't mind having a drink with, but anything more might be tedious. One day, as Benny was walking the beach, he stumbled over a small black jar-shaped object. Benny curiously picked it up and began to brush off the sand.

*Woosh*

Benny winced as sand flew into his eyes, blinding him temporarily. By the time he opened his eyes, a shadow had been cast over him.

**"I AM KHALROG, GENIE OF THE URN, YOU HAVE AWOKEN ME FROM MY SLUMBER. WHAT IS YOUR ONE TRUE DESIRE?"** the genie bellowed.

Stunned, Benny could hardly believe what he was seeing. Benny thought for a moment as he regained his senses. Then he began to speak, "Well, I've always wanted a magnificent beard. I've always had a hard time with the ladies and I hear great beards are a wonderful attraction."

**"VERY WELL,"** replied the genie, **"YOU MAY HAVE YOUR BEARD. HOWEVER, I MUST WARN YOU THAT THIS BEARD COMES AT A PRICE: YOU MUST NEVER SHAVE IT OFF."**

Benny thought for a moment, then agreed to the genie's conditions. A brilliant beard protruded from Benny's chin and grew and grew until finally it reached his belly. This was fantastic! Surely he would be a ladies' man now!

Years passed by as Benny became an icon of beard lovers everywhere. He won contest after contest and seducing women had never been easier. Then one day, he met the woman of his dreams. They went on several dates together before she revealed to him that she would love nothing else than to see him without his beard. Benny loved his beard, but he loved this woman much more. Reluctantly, he agreed to shave it off in the morning.

The next morning, Benny grabbed his razor and started to shave his beard.


*POOF*


Suddenly, Benny was teleported into a round, black room!

"Egad!" Benny cried. "Where am I!?"

**"YOU HAVE DISOBEYED THE ONE RULE, BENNY,"** a voice behind him roared.

Benny stammered, "But I... I... it's only a beard! Why are you doing this to me?"

The genie replied, **"I AM THE GENIE OF THE URN, BENNY. I HAVE RULES. WHEN THOSE RULES ARE BROKEN, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED."**

"So... so... what's my... my punishment then?" Benny stuttered.

**"YOU WILL REMAIN HERE IN MY URN FOR ALL ETERNITY AND THE WORLD WILL KNOW YOUR FAULTS."** the genie exclaimed.


And from that day forth, Benny has taught all Bennys everywhere the most important lesson of all:


>*A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.*

Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one afternoon, Dan sees a cantina up the street. He leans over to his friend and says, “Hey Chip, lets swing by that bar and take a load off.”

Now it takes Chip a moment to think it over when he says, “Dan, we can’t go into that there bar. We’re Privates, and only Sergeants and above can hangout off base!”

Dan laughs at his dull friend and retorts, “Chip, bud, we aren’t Privates, we’re Sergeants now!” And they saunter on in.

The duo head in and take two stools and Dan wastes no time ordering two cold beers over. Now Chip starts getting nervous and he leans over to Dan and whispers, “Dan I don’t know about this... Privates aren’t supposed to drink! Only Sergeants and above are allowed to consume alcohol!”

Dan chuckles, shaking his head at his simple friends worries; “Chip ol’ pal, your forgetting; Privates can’t drink, but we’re Sergeants now! Take a load off!” And upon this realization, Chip relaxes a little and the two enjoy a few more beers together.

The night rolls on and the two get pretty tipsy when later in the evening Dan draws the attention of a young prostitute. She is very interested in Dan, but she leans over and whispers to him, “Baby I think your very cute, I’d love to show you a good time, I’ve just got Gonorrhea so I’ll let you decide if you want me tonight.”

Now Dan isn’t too fluent in Vietnamese, so he leans over to Chip and asks, “Chip, can you do me a favor. I don’t know what ‘Gonorrhea’ means; Can you run back to base and see what you can find out? If it’s a good thing, just give me a thumbs up and I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

Chip agrees, runs back to base, and about an hour later returns to the door of the bar and gives Dan a thumbs up and an all clear.

A week goes by and Dan is in the medical wing on base groaning and moaning about his unfortunate ailment when Chip comes by to visit him.

“Damn it Chip! You said Gonorrhea was a good thing!,” shouted Dan.

“No,” said Chip smiling, “You see, I looked it up, and Gonorrhea effects only the privates, but you don’t need to worry because we’re Sergeants now.”

The teacher asked the class to stand

...one by one and compose a simple sentence using appropriate be verbs.

"She is beautiful", said Kate.

"My dogs are fat", shouted Mark.

"I is...", stuttered Joe when the teacher interrupted.

"You always say 'I am'. Never say 'I is'", said she.

As fast as he could, Joe uttered,

"I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

The year is 2024 and the new POTUS has been elected.

The newly sworn-in president is sitting at the desk in the oval office tending to some paperwork. The doors open and in walk a few secret service agents.

"Excuse us Mr. President, but we were looking over some of the documents about your background and noticed that your physical health and performance records are outdated. We ask that you come with us to perform some tests."

The president agrees, gets up out of his chair and follows the group of agents to a private and secluded athletics field.

"This won't take long Mr. President, simple tests. First off, we need you to do as many push-ups as you can without stopping." and so the president gets down, takes a deep breath and does a strong 62 push-ups.

"Good job sir, next we need you to hold these weights out in front of you and do as many squats as you can without stopping"

The president gets in his best stance and begins squatting. He does a burly 45 squats before giving out.

"Impressive sir, just one more test. We need you to run a mile around this track as fast as you can."

The president tightens the laces on his shoes, adjusts his headband and takes a quick drink of water, then gets on the starting line. The agents count him off and he takes off running. Several minutes later he passes through the finish line sweating and breathing hard.

"Very good sir, that's one of the most impressive mile lap times I've ever seen."

The president says "Am I the best?'

The agent takes a second to flip through some papers on his clipboard before going "Ehh.. not quite. You're second best overall with a time of 10 minutes and 32 seconds."

The president says "What? Who did better than me?"

"Well, Bush did 9:11."

Two mathematicians walk into a bar...

and begin to argue about the intelligence of the waitresses. One mathematician gets up, and on his way to the bathroom stops his server. He tells her: "I'll give you $5 is you answer "one-third x cubed" to the next question I ask you, ok?"
The server nods, and walks away. When the mathematician returns to his table, he tells his colleague: "I bet you $100 that our server can answer a simple calculus problem." He then proceeds to flag down the server and asks her, "What is the indefinite integral of x squared?"
She responds, "one-third x cubed." The man then proceeds to collect his money, only to be interrupted by the server saying "plus a constant."

A boy has a question about God

Sorry if this has been posted before. I just heard it and I’ve never seen it on here before.

There was a boy that had a question about God. He goes to his local priest to see if he has an answer. The boy presents the question and the priest is completely at a loss of words. The question is so challenging that he could not give an answer. Unwilling to let the boy go unsatisfied without an answer, the priest takes the boy to a local bishop that knows even more about religion than the priest

The boy approaches the bishop and asks him the same question. Again, the bishop has no answer that will satisfy any of the parties. Seeing that the boy is getting discouraged that no one can answer the question the bishop sends the boy directly to the Vatican to talk to the pope.

This pope was very popular among the people. And he knew everything. He was so smart they called him Pope The Wise. The boy walks up to the pope and asks him the question. The pope begins to answer but then gets choked up and realized that not even he has the answer for the question.

As all hope was just about to be lost, an old nun walks into the room. The nun asks the boy to ask her this famous question and the boy does. The nun formulates the most perfect answer to the boys question. Almost everyone rejoices and all is good.

Except the pope looks a little upset. He exclaims
“This is impossible! Explain to me how a simple nun could be smarter than me! Pope The Wise!”

But she was Nun The Wiser

The geography of men and women.

The geography of a woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered , half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

The geography of a man:

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.


(I hope I didn't offend anyone from any particular country. Just a simple joke. Peace!)

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