If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all i need Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business
After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
Some people have 10 teeth, while others have 32 It's simple meth
Some people have 32 teeth. Others have 10. It's simple meth.
What's the difference between Iron man and Iron women? One is a super hero and the other is a simple comand.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?
…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.
It's that easy!
I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
What's the Difference Between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero, the other is a simple command.
6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"
I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"
If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you. Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.
Some people have 32 teeth while others have 10... It's simple meth.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice... ...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.
I hate it when people get simple stuff wrong I mean, it's not rocket surgery
Whats the difference between Iron Man and iron woman? One is a superhero the other is a simple instruction
What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a superhero but Iron Woman just a simple command.
Most people have 32 teeth, some only have 5... It's simple Meth really!
When life gives you lemons... ... a simple surgery can give you melons.
What's the difference between iron man and iron woman? The one is a superhero and the other one is a simple command.
Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
Some people have 32 teeth, some have 10. It's simple meth.
What do Dora the Explorer and Internet Explorer have in common? They both take 20 minutes to perform a simple task.
Doctor: Don't be nervous, David. It's just a simple heart surgery.
Patient: My name is not David.
Doctor: I know... I'm David.
I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding. When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.
I lost 164 pounds in the last 6 months with this one simple trick! All I did was buy bitcoin
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero; the other is a simple command.
If I make you breakfast in bed all I want is a simple “thank you”
None of this “how’d you get in my house business”
*Not an original joke but I love it and wanted to share*
Life was so simple before I got married. I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.
Do you know why I don't like simple chord progressions? They give me the EBGBs.
an accountant is interviewing for a job
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
99% of people can do simple math operations. I belong to the other 2%.
Ironman and Ironwoman.. Whats the difference? One's a superhero - the other's a simple instruction!
You can reduce your weight by one simple exercise of shaking your head horizontally. Do it when you are offered food
A man goes to the Doctor and says...
"Dr. I think I am half deaf"
The doctor then replied:
"No worries sir, I'll conduct a simple test, repeat after me, eighty-eight."
I have 3 children and I have never, nor will I ever vaccinate them The simple act of it alone is reckless and exposes my children to so many potential dangers. I have no medical training whatsoever and would rather let their doctor do it instead.
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “thank you” will suffice. None of this “how did you get in my house” business. So rude.
A simple joke for Starwars fans
Where do Sith lords go shopping?
The Darth Maul
There are two types of people in the world. Those that can find an answer through simple deduction.
"I before E except after C." It's simple science.
I'm not sure of the definition of Occam's Razor but I'm sure it's a simple one.
Do you hate running? Get over it with one simple step! Then another! And then another! Now do it faster!
American healthcare costs are out of a control A simple double amputation cost me an arm and a leg!
My air conditioning system is very simple to operate It's a breeze.
What do you call the money that gets donated to female streamers? Simple present.
Haikus are simple
But sometimes, they won’t make sense
A friend of mine asked me why I preferred composite numbers over prime numbers. I said it’s not a simple answer as more than one factor led me to that conclusion.
David Foster Wallace writes a simple seafood recipe...
1. This is water
2. Consider the lobster
What do cops and simple artisan bread have in common? Not kneaded
It’s sad how a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of feral hogs.
Want to learn how to climb a flight of stairs? Just follow these ten simple steps!
I've created a simple and cheap period tracker There it is -> .
What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
Iron man is a super hero.
Iron woman is a simple instruction.
The daughters asks their father
Dad, why is my name Rose?
It's simple darling, a Rose fell on your head as a child.
So why was I named Daisy?
Like your sister, a Daisy fell on your head when you were a child!
Oh yeah that's right, let's go Brick!
I am often asked, "Is google a man or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
A man is having LASIK eye surgery
**Ophthalmologist:** John, stay calm. This is a simple procedure and the odds of blindness are very low.
**Patient:** Thanks, but my name isn't John.
**Ophthalmologist:** I know, mine is.
A young girl questions her mom:
- Mom, how come you’ve never showed me pictures of when I was a baby.
- Very simple my dear, you were born blind.
Sherlock Holmes: My dear Watson, you have a mole on your right upper thigh.
Watson (Amazed): Yes! How did you know?
Holmes: Simple my dear Watson, you forgot to put on your pants.
P.S. My dad told me this today.
Simple solution to the coronavirus test shortage: Hook people up to lie detectors and ask them if they have the virus
Tinder is simple geometry If you have good lines you'll get good curves
Today, I'll share with you this one SIMPLE trick to go from making 5 figures, to 7 figures... You count the two after the decimal
Life is so simple unless you work for NASA or SpaceX Everything else is not rocket science.
Teacher talking to a young black student.
Teacher: It's a simple grammar question Leroy!.
"What comes at the end of a sentence?"
I scored 197 on an IQ test The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.
My girlfriend is a just a simple whiskey maker. But I love her still.
I have the utmost respect for our troops because of one simple fact. My girlfriend's husband fights for our freedom every day. If that isn't respectable, I don't know what is.
I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong! I mean, it's not rocket surgery!!!!
Today I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions!
1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
a simple one
**what do you call a team of**
Following these simple steps, you can learn how to fall down the stairs:
I have a simple standard for quality puns: the joke should not simply be a lame, obvious pun that anyone could think of. So I checked to see if any of this sub's top ten jokes met this standard But no pun in ten did.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10. It’s simple meth.
[Pun] Say it in simple English
Chicken: Sir, the chef at this fine establishment is planning to violently seize power and overthrow our government!
Restaurant owner: Can you please say that in simple English?
What the 2020 presidential election will be Thats all, a simple joke
This simple test revealed if people were able to resist clickbait or not. You failed.
It's a sad commentary on modern society that an entire loving family can be torn apart by such a simple thing as a pack of wild dogs.
If I make you breakfast in bed
A simple “thank you” is all I need.
Not all this “how did you get in my house” business
When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense.
How to get into any bank/store etc without getting arrested with this one simple trick Walk through the front door during business hours.
Spanish is a tough language it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".
Here's a simple one What do you call an hitmen who kills only in summer? A heat-man!
Russian Dolls are simple Get one, and Putin the other
You know why chrome os exist For it to eat all the ram in one simple operating system.
Huawei issue is quite simple really It's either Trump's way or the Huawei.
How do dairy farms do their taxes? Well, the ones with simple taxes can just use a cowculator, but the ones with real complicated situations have to go to an accowntant.
Simple misunderstanding This couple are looking to buy a new car. They see this wonderful Honda for a decent price and a salesman shows them around. The couple ask “Cargo Space?” The salesman says “The car? No! This car can’t fly”
This simple trick will save you thousands at IKEA. (Click here) If you can't pronounce it, don't buy it.
What is he difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command
This is such a simple joke. The joke is how simple it is to tell.
I met Katniss and Peeta yesterday.
I asked them, “so you two are a couple right?”
They responded with a simple yes.
So I asked another question: “so because you’re a couple, what’s your ship name? Let me guess... Katta? Or I know! Peeniss!”
I wonder why Occam’s Razor is called Occam’s Razor There’s probably a very simple explanation for it.
How do you make Easter easier in just one simple step? Replace the T with an I.
When I’m walking down the road, I love letting good drivers know how skilled they are. Many of them are so appreciative that they offer me a ride! Goes to show what a simple thumbs-up can do.
An interviewer asks one of Micheal Jacksons' siblings to describe him in simple form.
So he says:
But most importantly
Why did the slave go to college?
To go and get his master's degree.
So my friend Michael had to quit his job as a magician... Turns out *audiences hate him for this one simple trick*
The invention of the shovel was ground breaking Simple and sweet
What’s the difference between iron man and iron woman Ones a superhero and ones a simple command
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10... ... it‘s simple meth.
My twin and I lost 180 lbs with one simple trick Too bad we're not together anymore
If life gives you lemons... ...a simple operation can give you melons!
How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it, simple science!