Smart Jokes

Contents

Funniest Smart Jokes

My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant.

If it doesn't, it's retardant.

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

What do you call smart person in America? A tourist.

Funny Smart Jokes

My girlfriend is so smart Once I forgot to bring my phone when I went out today.

I borrowed my friend's phone to call her.

She answered "What's up baby?"

She is so smart she knew I was the one calling her.

I married a beautiful woman - a smart one too. Hopefully they’ll never meet.

I was in a crash with a smart car today. The smart car was totaled. My bike was fine, though.

"When am I ever gonna use this?" Asked the student to the algebra teacher "Well you won't, but one of the smart kids might" he replied cheerfully

What idiot coined the term ex-fiancé Instead of near-Mrs

Edit: ex fiancée. I'm not as smart as I thought I was..

The wife asks her husband -What do you prefer, honey? A smart woman or a beautiful woman?

-Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you

Did you know that light travels faster than sound? That's why some people look smart until they start talking.

My girlfriend is so smart I called her on my friend's phone and she said "What's up, honey?".

She already knew it was me on the other side!

I asked the CIA for my lost GMail password... They sent it to me via my smart TV

I’ll admit that Chinese kids in math class are pretty smart But doing it with their eyes closed... that’s a bit cocky

Smart Friend My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever

Why do blondes have bruises around their belly buttons? Apparently blond guys aren't too smart either.

If smart guys like dumb girls, and dumb guys like dumb girls, who likes smart girls? Cats.

What's it called when a smart girl jerks you off? A stroke of genius!

My friend thinks he's smart He said that onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.

Duck Hunting Joke What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever

My very smart girlfriend says men think with their penises That woman blows my mind

Wife asks the husband, who's the fool - you or me? The husband calmly replies, while sipping his coffee, "honey, everyone knows you are way too smart to marry a fool"

My girlfriend complained that there should be more women in technology So I put her in my new smart fridge

JFK must have really liked smart women Everybody used to look at Jackie O and say, “Check out the brains on her.”

Apple just finished designing a smart car. They are having trouble installing Windows

Tyrion Lannister was unusually smart Usually, white dwarfs are very dense.

Blonde Joke Why did the blonde girl have bruises around her belly button?

Because blonde guys aren't smart either (Sorry if it's a repost.)

My girlfriend is so smart I called her from my friends phone and when she answered she said “hey babe what’s up?” How did she know it was me?

My friend told me I was smart enough to be the next Isaac Newton... Well Newton died a lonely virgin so clearly I'm doing something right

As a golfer, it's always smart to wear 2 pairs of pants. You know, just in case you get a hole in one.

Why do blondes have bruises on their bellybuttons? Because blonde guys aren't that smart either

The Smart Kid A child asks his father:

- Daddy, where did I get my intelligence from?

- From your mother, I think. I still have mine.

Funny Comeback Teacher: where is your homework?
Kid: at home.
Teacher: why is it at home?
Kid: it's called HOME work for a reason.
Teacher: are you being smart with me!
Kid: this IS school isn't it? Aren't you supposed to be smart.

What's the difference between a smart white guy and someone who tells jokes all the time? Nothing. They're both wisecrackers.

I hate it when people try and sound smart by using big words. It just makes them look ambidextrous

As a golfer, it's always smart to wear two pairs of trousers. You know, in case you get a hole in one⛳

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New Smart Jokes

Everyone knows I am extremely smart After all I have a theoretical degree in physics

**BLONDE** What do you call a smart blonde? A Golden Retriever.

Opposites Attract My beautiful, smart wife told me that

I realized why I can't get an Asian girlfriend They really are smart

A requirement to be a pilot is to be good at basic math So I asked a couple pilots what 300 + 90 was and they all said 30. I guess they are not that smart after all.

Why are fish so smart Because they spend a lot of time hanging out in schools

In life you will only meet two types of people... The ones who are smart successful n have a life....

And then there is you!

Be Hitman is a smart financial choice They have lots of disposable income.

I was so smart I was called special in grade 2... any way its been 4 years and I'm 15 now

People with glasses are elegidly smart But they can't even pass an eye exam.

99.99% of the people on this website are not smart Glad I'm the 1%

I found a book on how to be 50% as smart as Albert Einstein. So I bought two of them

Apparently, Google is not that smart as people think Recently I asked Google Translator, how "Je ne sais pas" is translated, and it replied: "I do not know".

I once knew a lumberjack with a Ph.D He was a smart feller.

Did you hear about the smart prostitute? She had a great thot process

Im against smart clocks I guess you could say im anti-clockwise

I can't wait for smart devices and AI to rise up against us It will be a Siri-an rebellion

My teacher once told me My teacher once told me I was a really smart student, but could also be an idiot at the same time.

I replied “does that make me an oxymoron?”

I bought a smart car recently and I unfortunately got in an accident Now my car has a learning disability

I am so forgetful that I always forget to pack my calculator before my math tests. But I am so smart that I have only failed them a few times... So few that I can count on my fingers

My wife does a lot of favors for me, I was well pleased. I looked at her dead in the eyes and said, hun did anyone tell you, you have such a... Smart and handsome looking husband...?
She never did favors for me again...

Two smart jokes What does a scientist call it when they're A/B testing and they find a third variable?
An emergent C

What element do British people like early in the morning?
Strong-tea-um

Why are smart people so smelly? Because genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.

(My son made this up)

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children, 50% of them will still be below average.

Dad, I inherited my intelligence from you right? Dad: That’s right, my smart little girl!

Daughter: That would make sense since mom still has hers.

People have been assuming I'm smart when they see my glasses case but it's not until they see I store a mars bar in it they realise my true genius .

I thought I might have impostor syndrome. After learning how many incredibly smart and productive people it affects, though, there's no way I'm good enough to have it.

I asked my dad for a smart phone... But he got me an iPhone instead

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans! There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

What do you call a smart American? A tourist

I see these signs that say "slow children at play" I guess some people need the whole world to know how smart there kid is..

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room? Push notifications.

I finally become smart enough... ...to know I'm dumb.

"I'm so annoyed with all the teasing I get ever since smart speakers became a thing." "Why? Is your name Alexa?" He asked.

"No" sighed Google

Why do smart cavemen do their tests on stone tablets? Because the tests are harder

What do you call smart cheese ? sharp cheddar

Stupid people are sure on themselves A football player tells his son:
\-You know, smart people are always full of doubts while stupid ones are very sure on themselves.
\-Really, dad?
\-Absolutely.

Google admits workers listen to private audio recordings from Google Home smart speakers. At least someone listens to me.

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item. had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

Do you know why prisoners love the 4th of July? All the fresh meat on the 5th of July. Drive safe and party smart folks!

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Long Smart Jokes

I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?"

She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."

Edit: I wasn't aware that this was from SMBC comics. I'd like to give them credit. Also thanks guys for introducing me to this comic. It's awesome.

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

​

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and decides to humour it, pulling up a chair and a computer with a word processor. "Alright, if you want to work here, you need to first write a letter," and leaves the room.

​

30 minutes later, he comes back in, and the dog has typed out a completely error-free letter.

"Well, I'll be. This is a smart dog. But can he program?" he asks himself.

20 minutes pass, and the dog has made a perfectly running "Hello, world" program.

He looks, shocked, at the dog, and finally speaks. "Look, I know you have the qualifications, but, well... you're a dog."

​

The dog nudges the words "We are an equal opportunity employer." on the poster, and the manager sighs.

"There's no way you're bilingual."

​

The dog looks him in the eyes, and says, "Meow."

Classic Joke for your taste

The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, but a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong."

What starts with an F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

Nobel award winning physicist and his limo driver

A Nobel award winning physicist, who was afraid of flying, was on speaking tour of the nation's top colleges. He travelled by limousine to each destination to give his speech.
After two dozen engagements, the physicist and the limousine driver were having dinner before the next speech. The limousine driver commented that he'd heard the speech enough times, and that even though he didn't understand it, he felt as if he could deliver it word-for-word. So the physicist agreed to trade places and let him give the speech, and the physicist would sit in the back and wear the limousine driver's uniform.
After giving the speech flawlessly, the limousine driver opened the floor for questions from the students (typically there were none). However, at this particular University there was a rather egotistical student who thought he was smart enough to compete mentally with the Nobel physicist. The question took 5 minutes to get out and would require a rather lengthy explanation and some complex calculus to answer.
Without batting an eye, the limousine driver responded to the young student by saying, "The answer to that question is so easy, I'll let my limousine driver, seated in the back, respond."

George Bush was visiting the queen of England...

when he asked her "I must say, you run a real tight ship over here, would you mind telling me some of your secrets or advice?".

The queen said "sure, its quite simple, I surround myself with smart people, for example, watch this". She then calls upon Tony Blair. "Tony, I have a simple question, if you mother has a child and your father has a child, and it's not your brother or sister, then who is it?"

Tony Blair thinks for a moment and responds "Well it would be me"

"Correct. Thank you very much Tony" says the queen.

Bush says "Ahh, you know, that's real clever, I might have to try that on some of my cabinet members. Thank you very much"




Bush is now back home in the U.S and calls Donald Rumsfeld to his office.

"Donald, I have a question for you. If your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"

Donald thinks long and hard and says "You know George, I'm not sure, but I'll give you an answer by tomorrow"

Bush agrees and lets Donald go.

Donald then gathers up the cabinet and asks them the question. Nobody knows the answer, and after many failed attempts somone speaks up and says "I know! lets ask Colin Powell! He's a smart man, he should know". So they call up Colin Powell.

They ask him, "Colin, we have an important question for you... if your mother has a child and your father has a child and it's not your brother or sister, who is it?"

"You bunch of morons, it would be myself!" says Colin Powell.

"Ahhh!! We get it now!" says the members of the cabinet.

The next day Donald Rumsfeld approaches the president.

"Sir, I believe I have the answer to that question you asked me the other day." says Donald.

"Well ok, Donald, what is the answer?"

"Colin Powell!" says Rumsfeld

Bush looks at him for a second and gets up and yells "No you god damn idiot, it's Tony Blair!"

A Jew, muslim and Christian come up with a plot to rob the kings treasury.

At the moment of entry the guard dog barks and they all get caught.

The guards take all three man straight to the king to meet their fate.

Extremely angry the king decides to punish the men by ordering them each 20 lashes to the back.

They are hauled to the punishment chamber to receive their 20 lashes.

Christian man happens to be first in line and naturally scared he pisses his pants. The punisher sees this and cant help but have a little sympathy.

The punisher tells the Christian man its okay and that even though he is the punisher he in fact really hates his job.

Trying to calm the Christian man the punisher offers him anything he needs in order to make the 20 lashes easier on him.

The Christian man happily asks to have a pillow strapped to his back. His wish is granted.

The punisher lets loose with his whip and on the 15 strike the pillow rips open and flys off. The Christian man receives 5 straight lashes to his back and moves aside.

The Jew is next and is offered the same deal. Being a smart Jew he immediately responds and asks for 2 pillows. His wish also is granted.

18 lashes to his back and both pillows rip open and fly off. He gets 2 strikes on his back and collapses in pain before he is hauled aside.

The muslim man being next starts crying right away. When asked by the punisher why he is crying? The muslim answers saying how he regrets his crime because of the severity of his sin to rob someone. And he feels worthless because he thinks 20 lashes are not enough for his crime and asks for a increase to a 100 lashes so he can learn his lesson.

The punisher being extremely surprised at the muslim mans honesty and sense of remorse says 100 lashes it is you honest muslim. Now what can I do to help make such monumental punishment easier on you as I did to the Christian and Jew before you.

The Muslim man politely asks to have the Jew tied to his back.

A German, a Japanese, and a Russian were sitting naked...

... in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed is forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "Oh, that was my embedded smart watch," he said. "Germany has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their devices placed under the skin of my forearm."


A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. Japan has the smartest engineers in the world and I've had one of their mobile systems placed in my hand."


The Russian felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He exited to the bathrooms stall and returned a few seconds later with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Russian finally said-"Well, well, well comrades- it appears that SOMEBODY is recieving a fax!"

What Starts with F and ends with K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong...

3 blonde women are on one side of a river...

...wondering how they will get across. The first one decides to pray saying "God please make me smart enough to get across this river." so God turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river. The second also prays saying "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river." So God turns her into a red head and she builds a boat and rows across the river. The third also prays "Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined." So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

Smart first grader

A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped-up about the Super Bowl. “It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”

“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.

“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be a football fan.”

Finally, a smart blonde joke.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground
garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very
happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies..... "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Smart Boy

In a Store a man asked for 1/2 packet of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only full packs were available in the Store,

but the man insisted on buying only 1/2.

So the boy went inside to the manager’s room and said “An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 pack of butter”.

To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him..!

So the boy added immediately, “And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!!!!!”.

After the customer left, the manager said “You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?”

To this the boy said, “I come from Brazil. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!”

The manager replied coldly, “My wife is also from Brazil “.

To this the boy asked excitedly, “Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?”

A smart farmer

A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for $250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.

The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back. That’s fine.”

The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”

Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”

The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”

Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me. I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?”

Tommy said, “I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”

The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”

Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $5 back.”

Three blondes

Three blonde women are sitting on the side of a river. The first one says "dear God, make me twice as smart as I am so that I can cross the river". So God turns her into a brunette and she swims across. The second blonde says "dear God please make me twice as smart as you made the last girls so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a Red Head and she builds a boat and sails across. The third blonde says "dear God, make me twice as smart as you made the last girl so I can cross the river". So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.




*edit* People, it's just a joke! So much hate, I've told other jokes as well. Here's an anti-man joke? Why are women bad with judging distance? Because they've been lied to about what 8 inches is their entire lives.

What starts with an F and ends with a K?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"


Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"


Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.


While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.


Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."


Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"


Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade."


Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"


Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!


Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"


Harry: "Pants."


The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.


Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last six questions wrong... "

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention, and- to keep him quiet- she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

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