St. Patrick's Day Jokes

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Funniest St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Funny St. Patrick's Day Jokes

What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day? St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime? Paddy O'Furniture!

(Happy St. Patrick's Day)

St. Patrick's day vs Martin Luther King Jr. Day. What's the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King day?

St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.

This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

Know the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

Irish Jokes Megathread Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.

What's the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day? On St. Patrick's Day, everybody want to be Irish.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day... Three Irishmen walk out of a bar.

There's only one difference between Cinco de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day... On Cinco de Mayo no one wants to pretend to be Mexican.

You know the difference between St. Patrick's day and Martin Luther King Jr. Day? On St. Patrick's day, everyone wants to be Irish.

Just a reminder that Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you... They Seamus all.

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish family? None.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Cinco De Mayo? On Cinco De Mayo, not everybody pretends to be Mexican.

Watch out for those St. Patrick's Day scammers Just had a guy try to sell me a piece of stone he said was from Ireland and kissed by St Patrick. When I looked underneath it said 'Made in China.

Obviously a sham rock.

Why do the Irish get drunk on St. Patrick's Day? Why should that day be any different.

For St. Patrick's Day: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? None.

Why does Captain Kirk hate St. Patrick's Day? Lepre-KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!

What's the difference between mlk day and st. Patrick's day? Everyone WANTS to be irish on st Patrick's day.

If you don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day, you'll get pinched. If you don't wear red, white and blue on the 4th... ILLEGAL ALIEN!

On this, St. Patrick's day, how do we know beer is the holiest drink? God may have changed water into wine, but he named his people He-brews

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

A German Dad Joke So, because St. Patrick's Day is tomorrow I asked my dad (who is German) if Germans have any day like St. Patrick's Day. His said, "Yes, it's called October."

My friend told me an St. Patrick's Day joke It was really clover

What's the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day? On St. Patrick's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

I want to make a special present for my dad's birthday. How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha? He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together

St. Patrick's Day... It's the closest Irish will ever get to Christmas.

What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day? Everyone pretends to be Irish on St. Paddy's Day.

Due to the global pandemic disease, which spreads quickly and is potential fatal, many cities have canceled the St. Patrick's day parade. Columbus Day celebrations will continue as scheduled

Even under quarantine, it was an epic St. Patrick's Day night! Except now, the vomit in the bathroom, broken table, shattered pint glasses and piss beside the building all belong to me.

What's green and hurts the next morning? St. Patrick's Day

This St. Patrick's Day, Julia Roberts has a new movie coming out. It's about a woman who fights to expose the toxic levels of green beer. It's called Erin Go Bragh-kovich.

St. Paddy's Day Do you know the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish!

What are you wearing for St. Patrick's Day? An Erin Go Bra.

How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day? One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.

My St. Patrick's Day Joke Q:How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A:Zero

Some people say that going to bars on St. Patrick's Day and New Year's Eve is "amateur hour." But that's just because they don't have a sponsor yet.

Happy St. Patrick's Day Or "El dia de los Borrachos Verde"

Did you hear that Julia Roberts has a new movie coming out this St. Patrick's Day? It's about a woman who fights to expose the toxic levels of green beer. It's called Erin Go Bragh-kovich.

New Julia Roberts Movie [OC] Just in time for St. Patrick's Day, Julia Roberts is releasing a new movie. It's about a legal secretary who exposes the toxic levels of green beer. It's called Erin go Bragh-kovich.

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Long St. Patrick's Day Jokes

An Irishman walks into a bar...

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. “No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!” “How’d that happen?” “The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?” “Just water,” says the priest. The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. “Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.” “That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”! Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!” “What was his name?” asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”

Drunk OleMulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but OleMulvihill just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears. He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?” She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.” The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?” She says, “That he did, Father…” The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?” She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’ “

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

St. Patrick's Day

So there God was, creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael who starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?"
"I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused. "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it.
That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world."
Michael was impressed, but said, "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all!

A Joke

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honour of St.Patrick's Day, ' he smiled.

'I gave you a sham rock.'

Sunday in church after St. Patrick's Day

It was a sunday after St. Patrick's day in the church of a small village in the west of Ireland. Obviously all the people were more or less hungover, which infuriated the pastor of the village.


"It's a disgrace how we celebrate our most important saint by indulging in binge drinking and other improper activities. If I could have all the wine in the world, I would throw it in the river!"


There was a wave of murmur among the churchgoers.


"If I could have all the beer in the world, I would throw it in the river as well!"

The people put their heads down in guilt, thinking about what they had done.

"If I could have all the SPIRITS in the world, I would throw them in the river with the beer and the wine!"

Now the church was completely silent.

After a short while, the musical conductor of the church spoke up, "Now let us sing hymn number 369, *'Shall We Gather at the River?'*"

---

I heard this story from the ambassador of Ireland in Finland.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

An Irishman walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"

The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please." So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers each have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.Then, one week, he came in and ordered only two. He drank them, then ordered two more.

The bartender carefully approached him and said, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died." The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----but my doctor told me to quit drinking."

A joke for St. Patricks Day

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'

An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley...

... proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.

'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled. 'I gave you a sham rock.'

In honor of St. Patrick's day, here's my best Irishman joke.

An Irishman decides it's time for him to have his first ever drink with his son. He takes him down to the local pub and orders a pint. But his son didn't like the taste of it, so the Irishman drank it for him. Then the Irishman orders Guiness, hoping his son would like it better. But he still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. Distraught, the Irishman spent the rest of his money on the most elegant and expensive lager that money could buy, and gave it to his son. But alas, his son still didn't like the taste, so the Irishman drank it for him. After downing all of his and his son's beers, he was so hammered that he could barely push the stroller.

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Heard this at a festival once.

Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it.

One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out!

"Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads.

"I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully."

Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!"

"Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer.

The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"

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