Steven Wright Jokes

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Funniest Steven Wright Jokes

Funny Steven Wright Jokes

I finally got around to reading the dictionary... turns out the zebra did it


- Steven Wright

I got a papercut writing my suicide note. It's a start.

-Steven Wright

A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service. I walked in and hired myself.



credit: Steven Wright

When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)

"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory." "You couldn't park anywhere *near* the place!" -Steven Wright

The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory... is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

​

(Credit: Steven Wright.)

Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke... My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.

I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"

She replied, "Yes."

I said, "I just did."

The Wright Way "I think it is wrong that one company makes Monopoly."
-Steven Wright

I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer. Credit to Steven Wright.

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

Credit Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog Now he's gone.

(My favorite Steven Wright joke).

Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles." I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"

( Stolen from Steven Wright)

My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother” I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”

- Steven Wright

Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it. This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.

(Steven Wright)

I bought a three-way ticket to the capital of South Africa. (Original joke, inspired by Steven Wright)

I bought some powdered water But I don't know what to add.
—Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Credit to Steven Wright.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? a joke by Steven Wright

Legendary comedian Steven Wright really became famous when he helped a woman give birth in a portable toilet. He was known for his Bedpan delivery.

I saw a sign that said, "Rest area,25 mile" An thought,wow,that's pretty big.


Steven Wright

I brought one of those records that helps you learn spanish while you sleep, during the night the needle skipped and the next day i could only stutter in spanish.
-Steven Wright (i think)

It's a small world... ... but I wouldn't want to paint it.

(All credit to Steven Wright)

Today I was wondering "why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"... ... And then it hit me.



- Steven Wright

About 10 years ago... Wait.It was yesterday.

Steven Wright

Lost: $50 bill... If found just keep it.

Steven Wright

In the first submarines, they didn’t have periscopes, they had kaleidoscopes. “My god, we’re surrounded!”

(thank you Steven Wright.)

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot -Steven Wright

It was my birthday last week, I got a dehumidifier and a humidifier.... Put them in the same room, let em fight it out. -Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
-- Steven Wright

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Long Steven Wright Jokes

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction. Ladies and gentlemen... STEVEN WRIGHT (more in comments)

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

Isn't Disney World a People Trap Operated by a Mouse?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

Please read in Steven Wright's voice...

I was driving my friend around and he told me he was hungry. Asked if I'd take him to the drive-thru. I said yes. I pull up to the place and we wait in line for about five minutes. Finally it's our turn. The lady asks how she can help us today and I tell her I need two cheeseburgers, a large fry, and a small Pepsi. She apologizes and says she can't help me.

"Why not?"

"You're at a bank."

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