A gas station had 2 signs in the window, help wanted and self-service.
I walked in and hired myself.
credit: Steven Wright
When I was growing up, we didn't have a sandbox, we had a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.
(From my favorite comedian: Steven Wright)
"I used to work at a fire hydrant factory." "You couldn't park anywhere *near* the place!" -Steven Wright
The worst part about working at the fire hydrant factory...
is that you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
(Credit: Steven Wright.)
Made this up. Feels like a Steven Wright joke...
My teacher asked me to use the word "bucolic" in a sentence.
I said, "You want me to use the word 'bucolic' in a sentence?"
She replied, "Yes."
I said, "I just did."
I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer. Credit to Steven Wright.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts,"
But, “you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
Credit Steven Wright
Driving down a highway,I saw a sign that said "rest area 25 miles."
I thought to myself "wow,that's pretty big"
( Stolen from Steven Wright)
My grandmother gave me 5$ and said “Now don’t tell your mother”
I told her “Its gonna cost you a lot more then that to keep me quiet”
- Steven Wright
Every day I like to take a little bit of time,put it away, and just forget about it.
This way,by the end of the year, I'll have a few days to myself.
I bought a three-way ticket to the capital of South Africa. (Original joke, inspired by Steven Wright)
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
Credit to Steven Wright.
Legendary comedian Steven Wright really became famous when he helped a woman give birth in a portable toilet. He was known for his Bedpan delivery.
I brought one of those records that helps you learn spanish while you sleep,
during the night the needle skipped and the next day i could only stutter in spanish.
-Steven Wright (i think)
Today I was wondering "why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets?"...
... And then it hit me.
- Steven Wright
In the first submarines, they didn’t have periscopes, they had kaleidoscopes.
“My god, we’re surrounded!”
(thank you Steven Wright.)
It was my birthday last week, I got a dehumidifier and a humidifier.... Put them in the same room, let em fight it out. -Steven Wright