Story Jokes

Contents

Funniest Story Jokes

Funny Story Jokes

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it...

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen… I can feel it…

I am reading a horror story in Braille Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.

What's the highest story of any building? Floor 20

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!" The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

In the movie 'The Hunt for Red October' ... the entire story is the sub-plot.

I was reading a horror story in Braille, something bad was about to happen I could feel it

If you watch 127 Hours backwards It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

My wife is leaving me because she’s fed up with me talking like a news anchor. More on this story later...

What did the writer say when he glued himself to his book? That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I’m reading a horror story in Braille Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it

Rumour has it Toy Story 4 is going to focus on Andy's mom's toys Coincidentally, they are also called Woody and Buzz

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen... I can feel it

Harry was blind... ... His friends bought him a silver-coated nutmeg grater for his birthday. When they asked how he liked it, he said it was the most violent story he'd ever read.

Did you know the average gazelle can jump higher than a two story house? This is due to the animal’s extremely powerful hind legs and the fact that a house can’t jump.

My friend came crying to me after he crashed his brand new Swedish car But I didn't want to hear his Saab story

What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building? One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh.... Splat”
And the other goes: “Splat....Ahhhhhhhhh”

Did you hear the story about the guy who couldn’t see, hear, smell, feel, or taste? It made no sense.

I live with my wife in a two story house... "I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...

I have a story for you. A guy pours cement all over a plot of land... and then the plot thickens.

Have you heard the story of the Spanish magician? He was on stage one day and said "Uno...dos..." and then he disappeared without a tres.

I’m reading my first horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen I can feel it

A story of premature ejaculation Coming soon

My friend claims he glued himself to his autobiography and I don't believe him Anyway that's his story and he is sticking to it

The people on the internet are so friendly.... One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool.

Are news readers secretly insulting you? **Moron this story later.**

Tell a sad story in 4 words Lifetime Cleveland Browns fan

I saw a story about parents selling their kids on Ebay... This is completely nuts, who does that? That's a child. A living being that **you** made. That stuff goes on Etsy.

I recently bought a toilet brush Long story short, I’m going back to toilet paper

Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance Long story short, my girlfriend said no.

I'm reading a romance in braille It's a touching story

I was at the gym the other night, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story and I think that something scary is about to happen... I can feel it...

Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo... We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds...

Have you guys heard the story about the butter? You know what, never mind. I don't want to spread it around.

I'm reading a horror story in braille Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it

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New Story Jokes

Last September my wife asked me to put a load in the dishwasher. So long story short, happy fathers day to me.

A man slapped my butt on a Christian young adults’ retreat... Church officials advised me to turn the other cheek.

(True story of mine from a few years back, just making the best of it and laughing about it, please don’t take offense)

Because Corona, the red light district in Amsterdam is now closed. My biggest fear has now come true. When this whole story started, I was afraid there would be no happy ending.

My friend just told me a long boring story about an incestuous relationship. It was such an auntie climax.

I know a tale about a priest and a child It’s a very touching story

An Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub And the Scotsman says, “Drinks for the house, on me.” The next day the local paper runs a story with the headline, “Irish Ventriloquist Found Beaten to Death Behind Pub”.

You're coughing all the time and it's hard for you to breath, what happend? It's a lung story

How'd you describe the story of a priest and a boy? Touching.

I asked a friend over for Netflix and Chill and put on Toy Story Within 30 minutes I had a friend in me




Not my joke all credit goes to u/

My wife said she was leaving me because I kept talking like a news reporter More on that story later.

My dad's favorite story is about how he single-handedly saved a dairy farm from bankruptcy The story is pretty cheesy, but he milks it for all its worth.

I’m so excited for the new Toy Story action figures! I’m getting a woody.....

My wife says she's leaving me because I always talk like a newsreader. But more on that story later.

I often act out the names of places that I visit. For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming. When I went to Rugby, I played rugby. When I went to Bath, I took a bath.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.

I just started my first Braille horror story I know something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

I just recently decided to get a toilet brush. Long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

It is true, the story that you have heard is true. Women make 80 cents for every a dollar a man makes. How is a man supposed to survive on 20 cents?

If you tell a really incredible story about making money... It's an incomparable income parable.

I started reading a horror story in Braille. I know something bad is about to happen. I can just feel it.

The synopsis for Toy Story 4 has leaked. This time it focuses on Andy's mother's toys, also named Buzz and Woody.

Polaroid of the suspect Reporter: 'Here I am, live at the scene of the crime, in fact I've just learnt the police have a polaroid of the suspect. More on this story as it develops.'

What do you call a boring story about global warming? Anti-climatic

Corporate Story At a meeting, the Boss told a joke. 
Everyone on the team laughed except one guy. 
The Boss asked him, 'Didn’t you understand my joke?' 
The guy replied, 'Oh I understood it, but I resigned this morning.'

What did i do to escape Iraq? Iran



Don’t worry this story Israel

I was going to tell you a story about a rope But I’ll leave you hanging

An English teacher asked their students: "Of all the characters in the Old Testament, who do you think is the most developed?" A student responded, "Noah, because he has the largest story Ark."

Kim Jong Un claims to have golfed 38 under par... ...But his story is full of holes.

What was the last thing that went through Joe's head when he jumped off a 10 story building? His legs.

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

The most well known person in the world Some Spanish guy named "Manual"... A copy of his autobiography, printed in multiple languages, comes free with every electronic device or machinery... although much of his life story is lost in translation.

A cosmonaut's sob story I always knew that I wanted to be as astronaut , even when I was a little boy. However, I knew my father would not be supportive of me because he would always tell me "The sky's the limit!"

Fortune cookie: "Every exit can be an entry" Long story short:
My girlfriens said no...

What makes a fishing story interesting? A good hook.

"I work in a thousand story building" Said the librarian

I was gonna write a story about Swiss cheese But the plot had too many holes in it.

I told my sister that if you rearrange the letters in 'vanilla' you get 'pirate' Her: no you don't

Me: yes, 'a villain' with a missing i.



Note: true story

Coming Soon: A story of premature ejaculation.

A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window. The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.

The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.

The windows phone freezes mid decent.

A touching story of a boy and his cat one day,a boy named Kevin found a cat in the streets. He touched the cat. Touched it again.

and again.

and again and again and again and again...

told you it was a touching story

Someone asked me to write a sad story in 3 words today I just replied "Trump or Hilary"

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Long Story Jokes

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher. Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”

The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.


Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."


Curious, Attila did as he asked.


Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.


Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,


"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

Boy aged 4: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy: Yes... grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too....and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!

Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!

Boy: Why not?! You married mine!

Edit - thanks kind strangers for the awards! I have never gotten them before so thanks!

Interactive joke

There was a man who lived in a 3 story house. **Remember: 3 stories.**

The man entered the house and saw his wife making an omelette. He told her "You're supposed to use butter, not oil." Immediately the wife slapped him and said "Who's cooking? Me or or you?"

The man went up to the second story and saw his son playing a video game. He told him "You're doing it wrong, you're supposed to-" but the son slapped him, saying "Who's playing? Me or you?"

Then he went to the third story and saw his daughter doing homework, and told her "this is the wrong answer" and the daughter slapped him, saying "Who's doing homework? Me or you?"

Finally, the man went up to the fourth story. (At this point, hopefully your listened would say "but you said there were only 3 stories!" at which poing you slap him/her and say "Who's telling the joke? Me or you?")

What is the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"

...

I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.

Nothing.

Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"

THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.

She stood there for a second.

V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"

Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it."

I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world.

I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.

Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"

V: "Sure, go ahead."

She sounded so done, so defeated,

So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.

Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"

She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out.

And that's the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 – You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 – If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

A horse and a hen are playing in a field...

One day a horse and a hen are playing in a field. The horse gets stuck in a puddle of mud, and starts to sink. The hen is frantically searching for anything to help her friend, so she decides to go back to the barn. There, she grabs the keys to the farmer’s Mercedes and drives to where the horse is stuck. She throws a rope around the horse’s neck, and slams on the accelerator, saving the horse from sinking in the puddle.

A few days go by and they are playing in the field again. This time, the hen gets stuck.

Hen: “Help, go get the car like I did for you and help me out!”

The horse, realizing there isn’t much time since the hen is much smaller than he, stretches out over the length of the puddle.

Horse: Reach up and grab hold of my ‘thing’.

The hen obliges, and the horse starts to stand straight up to pull his friend out of the puddle.

The moral of this story is: If you’re hung like a horse, then you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

Betting with a blonde

Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."

So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."

There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year..

..British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, a team of American archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the Punch newspaper in Ibadan, Nigeria, reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard, Lucky Obuijsule a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Lucky has therefore concluded that more than 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless."

The blonde's bet

Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said:"Do you think he'll jump?".

Bob said: "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied: "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said: "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied: "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin explained that he was only joking, and let Ivan out.

Then Kim Jong-Un called his guard Lee, and told him to jump. Lee started running
toward the window.

Putin grabbed him and said, "Are you crazy? You will die if you jump!"

Struggling, Lee replied, "Let me go! I have a wife and a son!"

A woman must walk 5 paces behind...

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher.

“What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Stay away from Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

Happy stories from a remote village

A journalist goes to a poor remote village for a documentary.

He saw an old man and asked him to narrate a typical happy story of his village.

The old man smiled and began:
"One day, a long time ago, my goat got lost in the mountains. As is our tradition, all the men of the village gathered to drink vodka first and then looked for the goat. When we finally found her, as is our tradition, we all drank some more vodka and all the men in the village each got their turn to mate with the goat. We had so much fun that day!"

The journalist realized that he couldn't publish such a story so he asked the old man if he had another happy story.

The old man smiled again and started all over again:
"Once, my neighbor’s wife got lost in the mountains. As per our tradition, all of the village's men gathered to drink vodka and then went to look for her. As is our tradition, when we finally found her, all the men in the village got their turn to mate with the neighbor’s wife. We had great fun that day!"

The journalist couldn't publish that story either and therefore asked: "Don't you have a story that is less happy; something... umm ... sadder?"

The old man's smile faded. His eyes welled up..... In a sad, soft voice he began:

“One day I got lost in the mountains.....”

The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available.

One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam!

He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot!

Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!”

He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl.

The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom.

“Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!”

“Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.”

The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!”

“I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.”

Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who will the 3 wives sleep with?

Son : let them sleep with daddy

Daddy's eyes filled with tears... God bless you son

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