Ugly Jokes

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Funniest Ugly Jokes

Funny Ugly Jokes

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Joke from my daughter Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

An ugly girl grabbed my butt today.... ...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"

I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make. Now they also call me poor.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making... ...then they call me ugly and poor.

My girlfriend was standing nude... in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!" The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking just in case I start seeing two of you...

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

I wish I could be ugly for one day. Because being ugly everyday sorta sucks...

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all.

Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?" Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.

Yo mama so ugly She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque
Edit: not fixing the typo, deal with it.

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

My cute younger brother's contribution. Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

Your momma so ugly Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.

Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.

Women only find me ugly until they learn how much I make Then they find me ugly and poor

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus... The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

A terribly ugly woman enters a store. On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:

“OK, you’re ugly too.”

Slavery is such an ugly word... I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.

Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor

One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green At least I avacado

Girls only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

I wish i was ugly for just one single day.. Because being ugly everyday just sucks!

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

You know you're ugly when.... it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

Wish I could be ugly for just one day. Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed... Woke up with a few though.

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My therapist said that I was crazy I said “I want a second opinion!”

He said “ok, you’re ugly too!”

Yo mama so ugly The world created a pandemic so she'd have to wear a mask

You’re momma so ugly That when bob the builder see her he says I can’t fix that

I made a joke about ugly people the other day. Someone walked up to me and hugged me and said " it takes courage to talk about your face"

People call me ugly... Until they find how much money I have.

Then they call me ugly and broke

You know you're ugly... You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

CoVid-19 is making the world a prettier place. I mean, the ugly people are still there, but the mask does a great job of hiding it.

She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?" I said "I don't think it's ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

People say there are no advantages to being ugly But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

Yo mama's so ugly She took off her facemask during quarantine and was arrested for indecent exposure

I wish I could be ugly for one day Coz being ugly everyday sucks

My doctor said I needed to lose weight. I said I needed a second opinion.
"Ok. You're ugly too," he replied.

I wish i could be ugly for one day Because being ugly every day sucks :(

Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus, we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.

What women call me Women call me ugly till they see how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter... All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

What do you call an ugly old woman who dies of hypothermia? A snow crone.

I wish I could be ugly for just one day Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.

Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering. Just a joke calm down

How ugly are you? I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12.

Nail salons closed, hair salons closed... It's about to get ugly out there.

Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes Then they call him ugly and poor

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make then they call me ugly and broke

Honey I get a feeling you discriminating one of our children... Which one? Dave, Lisa or the ugly one?

Women call me Ugly until they figure out how much money I have Then they call me ugly and poor

A homeless man called me ugly yesterday I told him to get better jokes or go home

Yo mama so ugly that when she posted nudes to 4chan The website’s name changed to mis4chan

Yo momma is so ugly That your father no longer finds her attractive and I am seriously concerned about the health of their marriage.

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much I make... ... Then they call me ugly and poor

If being ugly is a crime Then I’m getting the death sentence

Without anything ugly in this world nothing would be beautiful Thank you for your sacrifice

Girls used to call me ugly Until I told them how much money I make and call me ugly and broke

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

There was this fat and ugly dude that worked out regularly 2 years later, he's just ugly.

I wish I could be ugly for one day. I hate being ugly everyday.

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Women used to call me Ugly until they found out how much money I make Now they call me ugly and broke.

Is this done before? Dad (to son): what do your friends think of you having two dads?

Son: They don't care but they make this one yo-mama joke.

Dad: Which is?

Son: Yo mama so ugly your dad had to get a husband

A boy calls 911… A boy calls 911.

Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning!

Long Ugly Jokes

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?"

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..."



Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

3 Men die and go to Heaven.... And there are ducks everywhere

Saint Peter's there like "one rule: don't step on any ducks"

The first man steps on one duck and Saint Peter's brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will be chained to this ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The second man doesn't step on a duck for 3 days but once he does Saint Peter's also brings an ugly girl. "For stepping on a duck, you will also be chained with an ugly girl for eternity!!!"

The third man has seen enough and months he tries his best not to step on a duck and tries to be as cautious as possible. After a year in Heaven Saint Peter's brings a pretty girl and he is chained with her for eternity.

Third man: How did I ever get chained with a pretty girl like you for eternity?
Pretty girl: I don't know but I stepped on a duck...

A bus of ugly people crashes ...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing.
Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.

Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.

God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."

Three women die and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says: “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says: “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and is very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says: “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says: “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a flight attendant over. "The man behind me just hurled the most hideous insult at me, and I demand to be moved to a different seat!" she said.

The attendant gave her a consoling look of sympathy. "I'm so sorry, but as you know our flight is fully booked and until we find someone willing to switch seats, I'm afraid I won't be able to reseat you. We do apologize, however, and if you like, in the meantime we'd be happy to offer you anything from our in-flight menu free of charge."

"Fine", the woman said with an air of resignation, "but I've never been so insulted in all my life. What a horrible man!"

"Well, I just said the truth!", could be faintly heard from the seat behind.

Hearing that, the attendant resolved to make the woman feel better as soon as possible, telling her, "Any item of food or any alcoholic or non-alcoholic beverage, whatever you choose, it's on us", she said.

"And if you like I'll also bring a banana for your comfort monkey."

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

A wife took her husband to a strip club as a birthday treat.

The doorman greeted them, "Hi Jim! How are you?"

"How does he know you?" asked the wife. "Oh dear, I play football with him," said Jim.

Inside, the bartender asked, "Hello Jim! The usual?"

Jim turned to his wife. "Before you say anything, he and I are on the darts team."

Then a stripper walked up to them. "Hi Jim! You craving the Special again?" she giggled.

The wife had enough and stormed out, dragging Jim along and pulling him into a taxi with her.

The cab driver turned around. "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up a butt ugly one this time ..."

Jim's funeral is on Saturday.

Three friends die and go to heaven...

When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck."

"Ducks?"

"Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter."
So the friends enter heaven, and much to their suprise, there are ducks everywhere. Every square yard there were probably 2 ducks. The first friend takes the warning lightly and accidentally steps on a duck the first day, and as punishment the most hidiously ugly person gets put in front of him to look at for all of eternity. The person was like uglier than the mcpoyles, he/she (because the friend coudn't tell if it was a boy or a girl) was really really ugly.

So the second and third friends see this and say to themselves that they would never step on a duck. But sure enough the second friend steps on a duck in the third week and gets the same punishment as the first friend. So the third friend vows to never move, and only move if absolutely necessary,

After about 7 months a beautiful woman comes down from the sky, and I'm talking crazy hot, almost angelic. The third friend gets to look at her forever, and asks, "what could I have possibly done to deserve this?"

And she says, "I don't know but I stepped on a duck."

edit: made it into paragraphs

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck

When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again." -

A man with two friends

A man goes to heaven with two friends. When they get there they see ducks everywhere. St. Peter informs them that they can do whatever they want but don't step on the ducks. A week goes by and one man steps on a duck. St. Peter comes out with this ugly woman and says " this is who you will spend eternity with". A month later the second man steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with a hideous woman and says "this is who you will spend eternity with". After a year the third man hadn't stepped on a duck and St. peter shows up with a gorgeous woman. The man can't believe it and says " what could I have done to deserve such a beautiful woman". The woman says "I don't know all I did was step on a duck"

A joke my friend told me when we were in Grade 5.

100 of the ugliest people on a bus, they crash and are all sent to heaven. The angel there felt very sorry for all of them and decides to send them back all with one wish each. The first victim steps up.

“I wish to be the most beautiful person in the world.”

And with a wave of the angels hand they became absolutely beautiful. They get sent back and the second person goes up.

“I want to be the most beautiful person in the world!”

The angel stops, “The previous person said that, so I’ll make you the second beautifulest then.”

With a wave of their hand the victim transformed and was sent down.

It was at this time the person at the back started laughing to themselves. They were asked what he was laughing about but he kept it to himself.

And so the line shrunk. “I want to be the 21st beautifulest person in the world.”

The guy at the end was laughing loudly now.

“I want to be the 51st beautifulest person in the world.”

He started rolling on the floor as he laughed.

“I want to be the 75th beautifulest person in the world.”

The guy at the end was loudly gasping for air as he laughed harder and harder.

“I want to be the 99th beautifulest person in the world.”

Finally, as the last man wipes tears from his eyes struggling to breath, he walks up to the Angel who was very curious.

“Why were you laughing all this time sir?”

“I wish they were all ugly again.”

A really annoying loophole

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and everyone died. Upon arrival in heaven, God said, "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can’t decide on what to wish for, so he ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point a man at the very back of the line starts to laugh. The next couple, seeing how utterly wondrous the two have become, make their wish to become beautiful also, and the man at the end laughs even louder. One after another, the people wish for the same thing. The closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder the man laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" The man says, "Make them all ugly again!"

A bus full of disturbingly ugly people crashes...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: " Make 'em all ugly again."

3 women die and go to heaven. The only rule? Do NOT step on a duck.

3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them theat they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough.

The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck.

The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck.

And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

A man finds a bottle

A man was walking along the beach when he came across an old glass bottle with a cork in it. Curious, he pulled out the cork, and with a loud bang and a cloud of smoke, a genie appeared.

Excited, the man asked "Does this mean I get three wishes?"

"Yes," said the genie. "But all my wishes come with a price."

"I want to be rich," said the man.

And the genie replied "Very well, but it will cost you your good name, and all the people will dislike you."

"Who needs friends when you have money?" said the man. "Do it."

The genie waved his hands and said, "It is done. What is your second wish?"

The man thought for a minute and said "I wish for a beautiful wife."

"This will cost you your looks," said the genie. "You will be ugly and strange."

"With a beautiful wife, I no longer need to be attractive," said the man. "Do it."

The genie waved his hands and said, "It is done. What is your final wish?"

The man thought for a moment and said "I wish to be ruler of the whole world."

"I can grant this wish," said the genie, "but it will cost you all of your intelligence. You will be like a newborn baby, unable to speak or know what's happening around you."

"That's no good," said the man. "I want to be able to enjoy it. What can I get for half my intelligence?"

"Well, I could help you run for president..."

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby. As she scans her card, the bus driver looks up to her and says, "Have a sea... Whoa, that is an ugly baby!!".
The lady is shocked and shields the baby with her hand and takes a seat. She just sits there getting more and more angry. The man sitting next to her asks what's wrong.

She says, "That bus driver insulted me the moment I stepped onto this bus. He's a government employee!"

"You don't have to put up with that," the man said.

"You know what, you're right! I'm going to go up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"Good for you! I'll hold your monkey."

A Plane Full Of Ugly People Crashes

A plane full of ugly people crashes and everyone on board dies. The peoples’ souls then go to heaven, where they are greeted by God at the gate. God tells them that he will grant each person one wish. The first person says,”I want to be beautiful”. God snapped his fingers and it happened. Then the second person wished for the same thing. This continues as each person in line wishes to be beautiful. God notices the last man in line laughing hysterically. When it came to be the man’s turn he laughed and said,”I wish all those people were ugly again.”

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