Ugly Jokes

Contents

Funniest Ugly Jokes

Funny Ugly Jokes
Score: 12692

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

Score: 11265

Joke from my daughter Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Me:???
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!

Score: 3843

A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.

Score: 3835

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 1856

An ugly girl grabbed my butt today.... ...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"

She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"

I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

Score: 965

Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make. Now they also call me poor.

Score: 948

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making... ...then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 866

My girlfriend was standing nude... in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

Score: 710

I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day Because being ugly every day sucks... :(

Score: 645

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Score: 581

a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!" The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."

The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"

"I'm his mom..."

Score: 391

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking just in case I start seeing two of you...

Score: 342

My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

Score: 339

I wish I could be ugly for one day. Because being ugly everyday sorta sucks...

Score: 255

Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.

Score: 249

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all.

Score: 226

Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?" Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.

Score: 169

Yo mama so ugly She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque
Edit: not fixing the typo, deal with it.

Score: 142

How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.

Score: 138

My cute younger brother's contribution. Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Me: Huh??
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.

Score: 133

Your momma so ugly Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.

Score: 132

Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 123

Women only find me ugly until they learn how much I make Then they find me ugly and poor

Score: 119

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus... The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

Score: 115

A terribly ugly woman enters a store. On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."

Score: 113

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:

“OK, you’re ugly too.”

Score: 111

Slavery is such an ugly word... I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.

Score: 107

Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor

Score: 104

One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people

Score: 95

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 93

People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green At least I avacado

Score: 89

Girls only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 88

I wish i was ugly for just one single day.. Because being ugly everyday just sucks!

Score: 87

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 83

You know you're ugly when.... it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)

Score: 83

Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.

Score: 77

Wish I could be ugly for just one day. Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.

Score: 75

My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?

Score: 73

Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed... Woke up with a few though.

Score: 71

If someone gave you $500 because "you're ugly" would you take the money? Of course I would. I'm ugly not stupid.

Score: 70

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What did your mom say to your dad when they were making you? Darling, lets make an ugly child.

Score: 2

Me at a pet show: I'm terrified oh God it's so ugly The pet is fine tho

Score: 1

My therapist said that I was crazy I said “I want a second opinion!”

He said “ok, you’re ugly too!”

Score: 3

Yo mama so ugly The world created a pandemic so she'd have to wear a mask

Score: 3

You’re momma so ugly That when bob the builder see her he says I can’t fix that

Score: 9

I made a joke about ugly people the other day. Someone walked up to me and hugged me and said " it takes courage to talk about your face"

Score: 5

People call me ugly... Until they find how much money I have.

Then they call me ugly and broke

Score: 10

You know you're ugly... You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

Score: 21

CoVid-19 is making the world a prettier place. I mean, the ugly people are still there, but the mask does a great job of hiding it.

Score: 12

She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?" I said "I don't think it's ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

Score: 6

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking just in case I start seeing two of you...

Score: 2

People say there are no advantages to being ugly But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.

Score: 20

Pretty Ugly Joke Ahead What do you call an idiot who is *happily married*?


An oxymoron.

Score: 2

my friend with a lisp asked about his faith i told him he was ugly

Score: 2

Yo mama's so ugly She took off her facemask during quarantine and was arrested for indecent exposure

Score: 6

women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make. then they call me ugly & poor

Score: 2

I wish I could be ugly for one day Coz being ugly everyday sucks

Score: 20

My doctor said I needed to lose weight. I said I needed a second opinion.
"Ok. You're ugly too," he replied.

Score: 21

I cried because Pessimist: of my ugly shoes until I met a man with no feet

Economists: the man with no feet saved so much on shoes

Minimalist: I can’t be as minimal cool as the dude with no feet

F*ckboy: I can’t say look ma, no feet!

Foot-fetish lovers:

Score: 2

I wish i could be ugly for one day Because being ugly every day sucks :(

Score: 24

Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus, we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.

Score: 2

What women call me Women call me ugly till they see how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 6

Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter... All closed.

It's getting ugly out there.

Score: 5

Man these face masks are nice. It’s like all the ugly girls already have a bag over their head.

Score: 1

My friend has this ugly old flooring in his kitchen he's been reluctant to replace. I asked him why he's so reluctant when the flooring is obviously beneath him.

Score: 1

What do you call an ugly old woman who dies of hypothermia? A snow crone.

Score: 5

I wish I could be ugly for just one day Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.

Score: 19

I decided I will start wearing a mask in public ... ... Because I'm ugly !!!

Score: 1

Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering. Just a joke calm down

Score: 9

How ugly are you? I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12.

Score: 4

Nail salons closed, hair salons closed... It's about to get ugly out there.

Score: 26

Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes Then they call him ugly and poor

Score: 18

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make then they call me ugly and broke

Score: 7

Honey I get a feeling you discriminating one of our children... Which one? Dave, Lisa or the ugly one?

Score: 5

Women call me Ugly until they figure out how much money I have Then they call me ugly and poor

Score: 8

A homeless man called me ugly yesterday I told him to get better jokes or go home

Score: 4

How do helichopters fly? They're so ugly the ground pushes them away.

Score: 1

Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..

Score: 2

People always think I'm ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and broke

Score: 2

I may not look it... But I’m an ugly guy

Score: 1

Someone said that I must have hit every branch on the ugly tree when I fell off the top I had to hang my head and admit that even it wouldn't touch me!

Score: 2

Yo mama so ugly that when she posted nudes to 4chan The website’s name changed to mis4chan

Score: 5

Yo momma is so ugly That your father no longer finds her attractive and I am seriously concerned about the health of their marriage.

Score: 6

Pretty ugly Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."

Score: 1

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much I make... ... Then they call me ugly and poor

Score: 6

If being ugly is a crime Then I’m getting the death sentence

Score: 2

Without anything ugly in this world nothing would be beautiful Thank you for your sacrifice

Score: 9

Girls used to call me ugly Until I told them how much money I make and call me ugly and broke

Score: 3

We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...

Score: 4

There are poor people with good looks.There are ugly people with money. Then there's you without both.

Score: 2

There was this fat and ugly dude that worked out regularly 2 years later, he's just ugly.

Score: 3

I wish I could be ugly for one day. I hate being ugly everyday.

Score: 43

Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:

-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?

The husband replied:

-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it

Score: 13

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Score: 10

Women used to call me Ugly until they found out how much money I make Now they call me ugly and broke.

Score: 8

Is this done before? Dad (to son): what do your friends think of you having two dads?

Son: They don't care but they make this one yo-mama joke.

Dad: Which is?

Son: Yo mama so ugly your dad had to get a husband

Score: 7

Yo Mama So Ugly She makes blind children cry!

Score: 2

A boy calls 911… A boy calls 911.

Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning!

Score: 59

*Enters ugly contest* Judge: Sorry, no professionals

Score: 4

Women only call me ugly until they see how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Score: 5

Yo mama so ugly When she opens her front door on Halloween the kids give her candy.

Score: 5

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