Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you... An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
Joke from my daughter
Her: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Her: To get to the ugly guy's house.
Her: Knock knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: It's the chicken!
A women called me ugly until she found how much money I make. Now she’s calling me ugly and poor.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
An ugly girl grabbed my butt today....
...I turned around and asked her, "Do you have a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Of course I do!"
I replied, "Well, you better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."
Girls used to call me ugly until they found out how much money I make. Now they also call me poor.
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I'm making... ...then they call me ugly and poor.
My girlfriend was standing nude...
in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day Because being ugly every day sucks... :(
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking
just in case I start seeing two of you...
My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me...
'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'
'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'
I wish I could be ugly for one day. Because being ugly everyday sorta sucks...
Calculators May Be Ugly On The Outside But Its What's On The Inside That Counts.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all.
Today my wife asked, "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat?" Turns out "Yes I do" was not the right answer.
Yo mama so ugly
She went into a haunted house and came out with a paycheque
Edit: not fixing the typo, deal with it.
How do you make 10 pounds of ugly fat attractive? Put a nipple on it.
My cute younger brother's contribution.
Brother: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Don't know, why?
Brother: To go to the ugly guy's house.
Brother: Knock, knock.
Me: Who's there?
Brother: The chicken.
Your momma so ugly Governments across the world conspired to spread a pandemic to get her to wear a mask.
Women used to always call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make. Now they call me ugly and poor.
Women only find me ugly until they learn how much I make Then they find me ugly and poor
Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...
The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, “Just let the ugly one have it!”
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
A terribly ugly woman enters a store. On each hand, she has a child. The clerk asks the woman: "Are those twins?" "No," the woman says, "They´re three years apart. Why? Do you think they look alike?" The clerk says: "No, I just can´t believe you got laid twice."
My doctor called me fat.
I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said:
“OK, you’re ugly too.”
Slavery is such an ugly word... I prefer the term lifetime unpaid internship.
Women call me ugly untill they find out how much money i make Then they call me ugly and poor
One group of people still can't get married in the US Ugly people
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
People laugh at my car because it's ugly and green At least I avacado
Girls only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
I wish i was ugly for just one single day.. Because being ugly everyday just sucks!
So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly. I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
You know you're ugly when....
it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
(add your own)
Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep.
Wish I could be ugly for just one day. Being ugly everyday is pretty annoying.
My wife always tells me that I treat my kid unfair. I don't even know which one she means. Thomas, Carl or the fat and ugly one?
Ya know, I've never taken an ugly girl to bed... Woke up with a few though.
If someone gave you $500 because "you're ugly" would you take the money? Of course I would. I'm ugly not stupid.
What did your mom say to your dad when they were making you? Darling, lets make an ugly child.
Me at a pet show: I'm terrified oh God it's so ugly The pet is fine tho
My therapist said that I was crazy
I said “I want a second opinion!”
He said “ok, you’re ugly too!”
Yo mama so ugly The world created a pandemic so she'd have to wear a mask
You’re momma so ugly That when bob the builder see her he says I can’t fix that
I made a joke about ugly people the other day. Someone walked up to me and hugged me and said " it takes courage to talk about your face"
People call me ugly...
Until they find how much money I have.
Then they call me ugly and broke
You know you're ugly... You know you're ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.
CoVid-19 is making the world a prettier place. I mean, the ugly people are still there, but the mask does a great job of hiding it.
She said to me "What are you holding that big ugly bee for?"
I said "I don't think it's ugly!"
I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking just in case I start seeing two of you...
People say there are no advantages to being ugly But conveniently, my portraits just hang themselves.
Pretty Ugly Joke Ahead
What do you call an idiot who is *happily married*?
my friend with a lisp asked about his faith i told him he was ugly
Yo mama's so ugly She took off her facemask during quarantine and was arrested for indecent exposure
women only call me ugly until they find out how much money i make. then they call me ugly & poor
I wish I could be ugly for one day Coz being ugly everyday sucks
My doctor said I needed to lose weight.
I said I needed a second opinion.
"Ok. You're ugly too," he replied.
I cried because
Pessimist: of my ugly shoes until I met a man with no feet
Economists: the man with no feet saved so much on shoes
Minimalist: I can’t be as minimal cool as the dude with no feet
F*ckboy: I can’t say look ma, no feet!
I wish i could be ugly for one day Because being ugly every day sucks :(
Many people underestimate the benefits of wearing face masks. Besides preventing the transmission of the Covid virus, we don't have to see your ugly face anymore.
What women call me
Women call me ugly till they see how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Hair Salons, Tanning Salons, Gyms, Spas, The Clinique Counter...
It's getting ugly out there.
Man these face masks are nice. It’s like all the ugly girls already have a bag over their head.
My friend has this ugly old flooring in his kitchen he's been reluctant to replace. I asked him why he's so reluctant when the flooring is obviously beneath him.
What do you call an ugly old woman who dies of hypothermia? A snow crone.
I wish I could be ugly for just one day Because honestly, being ugly everyday sucks.
I decided I will start wearing a mask in public ... ... Because I'm ugly !!!
Your so ugly that when your mom dropped you off at school, she got arrested for littering. Just a joke calm down
How ugly are you? I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12.
Nail salons closed, hair salons closed... It's about to get ugly out there.
Women call my brother ugly until they find out how much he makes Then they call him ugly and poor
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make then they call me ugly and broke
Honey I get a feeling you discriminating one of our children... Which one? Dave, Lisa or the ugly one?
Women call me Ugly until they figure out how much money I have Then they call me ugly and poor
A homeless man called me ugly yesterday I told him to get better jokes or go home
How do helichopters fly? They're so ugly the ground pushes them away.
Guys you don’t need to be attractive to never get rejected Just be ugly enough that no girl wants to talk to you, it’s worked out for me..... so..... yay..
People always think I'm ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and broke
I may not look it... But I’m an ugly guy
Someone said that I must have hit every branch on the ugly tree when I fell off the top I had to hang my head and admit that even it wouldn't touch me!
Yo mama so ugly that when she posted nudes to 4chan The website’s name changed to mis4chan
Yo momma is so ugly That your father no longer finds her attractive and I am seriously concerned about the health of their marriage.
Girlfriend: "Am I pretty or ugly?"
Boyfriend: "You're both."
Girlfriend: "What do you mean?"
Boyfriend: "You're pretty ugly."
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much I make... ... Then they call me ugly and poor
If being ugly is a crime Then I’m getting the death sentence
Without anything ugly in this world nothing would be beautiful Thank you for your sacrifice
Girls used to call me ugly Until I told them how much money I make and call me ugly and broke
We all know that Australia is full of ugly insects But this "kill it with fire before it lays eggs" thing has gotten greatly out of hand...
There are poor people with good looks.There are ugly people with money. Then there's you without both.
There was this fat and ugly dude that worked out regularly 2 years later, he's just ugly.
I wish I could be ugly for one day. I hate being ugly everyday.
Once a woman gave birth to a very ugly baby
When the nurse showed it to her, she told her husband:
-Look at this, isn't it a treasure?
The husband replied:
-Of course it is, bring a shovel and lets bury it
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Women used to call me Ugly until they found out how much money I make Now they call me ugly and broke.
Is this done before?
Dad (to son): what do your friends think of you having two dads?
Son: They don't care but they make this one yo-mama joke.
Dad: Which is?
Son: Yo mama so ugly your dad had to get a husband
Yo Mama So Ugly She makes blind children cry!
A boy calls 911…
A boy calls 911.
Boy: Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning!
*Enters ugly contest* Judge: Sorry, no professionals
Women only call me ugly until they see how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Yo mama so ugly When she opens her front door on Halloween the kids give her candy.