Valentine's Day Jokes

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Funniest Valentine's Day Jokes

If any of you are sad about being alone on valentines day, just remember... that nobody loves you on any other day of the year, and valentine's day shouldn't be any different.

I have a tip for all you lonely ladies on valentine's day.. Or you can just take the whole thing.

For Valentine's Day I made a chart of past relationships.... It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

If Valentine's Day is for couples, what day is for single men? Palm Sunday.

First time posting, please be gentle.

Funny Valentine's Day Jokes

My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing.

What is the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

Valentine's day Mothers have mothers day, father's have father's day, couples have valentine's day and I have palm sunday

My wife called me on Valentine's Day She said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous."

I said, "Well that's probably why they've received flowers then."

What's the difference between you and a Calendar? A Calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

I already got a date this valentine's day. Her name is Emma, Emma Gination.

I have my entire Valentine's day planned with my toaster! Okay, so first, we're going to take a bath.

To all the ladies and gents who aren't getting the V or the D in Valentine's day Happy Alentine's Ay

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

I bought my wife a new puppy for Valentine's Day! She's such a beautiful dog! Unfortunately, I forgot my wife is allergic to dogs... so I have to find her a new home. Can anybody help me out? She's 5'5", 125lbs, and blonde. Free to good home.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for valentine's day.. A bit of an unconventional present, I know!



But you should have seen her face light up when she opened it.

This is the first time I didn't get a Valentine's day card from my secret admirer in 20 years; First my grandma died and now this;

What do fat women get for Valentine's day? Depressed

For valentine's day, I got a new car for my wife I thought that was an awesome trade

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

To those who are sad because nobody loves them at Valentine's Day, worry not... ...nobody loves you on any of the other days of the year either.

For almost the last ten years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was really hurt and upset when I didn't receive one this year. First me granny dies, now this?

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

I wanted to go out for Valentine's day, but my relationship is complex I'm real, she's imaginary.

Happy Valentine's Day Restaurant offers 25% discount for men who show up with their wife, 20% discount for men who show up with their girlfriend on Valentine's Day.
It's on the house for anyone who show up with both.

How do single people honor valentine's day? By Celibating!

For the last twenty years, I've received a Valentine's Day card from the same secret admirer. So I was upset when I didn't get one this year. First my gran dies, now this?

For the first time in 40 years I didn't get a Valentine's day card from a secret admirer I just don't understand it.

First Grandma dies, and now this!!

What's the difference between a calendar and you? A calendar has a date for Valentine's day!

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Yes February 14th.

Roses are gray. Violets are gray. I'm a dog.

Happy Valentine's Day!

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Happy Independence Day

For Valentine's Day, me and the girlfriend are just gonna stay in and watch a movie. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?

I bought a lottery ticket on the way home on Valentine's Day... ...at least now I have a chance of getting lucky.

If you're worried about not getting a New Year's Eve kiss this year, just remember Valentine's Day is coming up and you're probably going to be alone for that, too.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless. Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

Do you have a date for Valentine's Day Yes, it's February 14th.

My secret admirer who sent me love letters every Valentine's day didn't send me anything this time First my grandmother dies, now this?

My girlfriend said make me feel special for Valentine's day so I bought her a wheelchair

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day? The eggs get laid!

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New Valentine's Day Jokes

I bought my girlfriend vegetables on valentine's day She thinks i'm corny

If Mother's Day is for mothers, Father's Day is for fathers, and Valentine's Day is for lovers, what holiday is for single men? Palm Sunday

I consider myself lucky, I celebrate Valentine's Day every year My name is Valentine

A man and a woman on Valentine's day : W: Where are you taking me to dinner tonight?

M: Nowhere, I don't take married women to dinner, ever.

W: But I'm your wife!

M: NO EXCEPTIONS !!!

What did Pinocchio's girlfriend tell him on Valentine's Day? Get down there and lie to me!

Feeling sad this Valentine's day because of having no partner? At least you're not the person reading this who will never get any love!

For valentine's day, I gave my wife a back-rub. I told her, "Wow, they did a good job... when they removed your wings."
I kissed her forehead and whispered, "They did a good job on the horns too!"

I got my wife a new gym membership for Valentine's Day. She was so overcome with emotion that she ran out of the house crying.

I think she must be still out telling her friends how wonderful I am, because she's not come back yet.

You have a Valentine's Day date! and more jokes you can tell yourself.

Hey girl, are you massive? Because I'm feeling a strong attraction to you.


Happy Valentine's day all!

My girlfriend is on her period on Valentine's Day Gonna be a total bumher

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship” Because you want love, but she wants friendship

For Valentine's Day I was woken up with an awesome BJ! If only I could be posting this in any other forum.

Familiarity breeds contempt... ...is not the right thing to say to your wife if you forget Valentine's Day.

What do single people call Valentine's Day? Singles Awareness Day.
AKA S.A.D.

Valentine's day Imagin how many people will be shaving tonight.

I'm finally going on a Date this valentine's Day I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts. Because it's the thought that counts.

What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day? ​

​

To remind single people that they are single.

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower. "Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

In India, children's day is celebrated on 14 November........ Exactly after 9 months from Valentine's day (14 February).
If you know what I mean.......

I got my crush a special edition DVD for Valentine's day... She was so happy she hi fived and hugged me. "That's friends!" my brother smiled as he watched us celebrate then put on the DVD. I said "No, it's love, actually."

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day. The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

My wife said she wants a divorce for Valentine's day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..

Wife complaining to Husband: What did we do last Valentine's Day? Husband: We acted our age.

I don't want to brag but I have a date for Valentine's day It's February 14th

What kind of chocolate do you get a snake for Valentine's Day? Hershey's Hiss

How did the Star Wars fan spend Valentine's Day? Solo.

What did Batman get for Valentine's day? Mixed signals.

My friends always ask me what I got my significant other for Valentine's Day... I tell them I got myself a nice new pair of gloves.

Two friends discussing about their dates on valentine's day when one spoke about the electrifying moment he had with his date, to which the other friend responded.... What a Gal Val Nicing experience... I'll see my self out :)

Valentine's day for mlm A guy sends his mom a fruit basket for Valentine's Day.

It was an Oedipal Arrangement.

I bought my wife a qwerty keyboard for Valentine's Day... ...She said she wanted a divorak.

Why didn't the man get his side-chick anything for Valentine's Day? She was an after thot.

How do Communists celebrate Valentine's Day By seizing the means of reproduction.

I ordered my girlfriend flowers on Valentine's day that didn't arrive (or were stolen from the porch), so I gave her the delivery confirmation instead.

Apparently it's not really the thought that counts.

I brought my girlfriend to Mexico for Valentine's Day. I got arrested on the way back for snuggling her over the border.

I wanted to make this a Valentine's Day to remember So I told her that her sister was better in bed, I don't think she'll forget that for a while.

I've got more action this Valentine's Day than ever before. I accidentally sat on my balls...

If your buck won't go out with you on Valentine's Day... You might be a side doe

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Long Valentine's Day Jokes

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more cards there," the bartender says. "I've got to admit I'm curious what you're doing." "Oh, every year at Valentine's Day I send out 500 cards, each one signed 'Guess Who?'" the guy says. "But why?" the bartender asks. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the guy replies.

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

Personal Question

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"
"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."
"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"
"That's my business!" she snapped.
"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

The Meaning of dreams

One morning, after she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?" "Maybe you’ll find out tonight…," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled:"The Meaning of Dreams."

Love

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Wife on Valentine's day...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text “If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically unromantic, replied,


"I am in the toilet. Please advise.."

it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..

Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.



Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on


And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.

"Mummy, why did you call me Rose"? The lady's daughter asked.

"well" her mother replied "when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for Valentine's day, and a rose petal dropped on your head, so we called you Rose."

Her daughter, satisfied with this response skips away happily.

"Mummy!" her second daughter said "why did you call me Lily?"

"well" responded her mother "when you had just been born your father bought me some flowers for my birthday, and a Lily petal dropped on your head, so we called you Lily."

Her second daughter, happy with this tale, goes on her way.

" MUMMEH!" screams her youngest daughter, who had been born the day they moved into the new house.

"HEERRMRMFLVLDLSNSMAJH!" the child screamed incoherently.

To which her mother replied "not now, Wardrobe.."

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day

A woman is going through the checkout line the night before Valentine's day. She is placing her items on the belt: a TV dinner, a soap opera digest, 3 bottles of wine, and 3 chocolate bars.

The clerk looks and her and says "I hate Valentines Day...what about you, you must be single right?"

"Yeah" she responds, "how did you know? Was it the stuff I'm buying?"




"Nah, you're ugly"

The Smiths invite the Jones' over for dinner...

After dinner, Mrs. Smith is cleaning dishes in the kitchen while Mr. Smith entertains their guests. He begins to tell them about a great restaurant that he recently went to with his wife, but can't remember the name of the establishment.

Mr. Smith: "The food was amazing, great service, but I can't recall the name! Help me out... what's that red flower, it's really fragrant, and people give them out on Valentine's Day?"

The Jones': "You mean a rose?"

Mr. Smith: "Yes that's it! HEY ROSE! WHAT WAS THAT RESTAURANT WE ATE AT LAST WEEK?!"

"The Meaning of Dreams"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.


Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams"

Valentine's Day Gift

A young lady was caught napping one afternoon on Valentine's Day. She woke up when she heard the doorbell.

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day," she said to her boyfriend. "What do you think it means?"

"You'll know for sure tonight," he replied.

That evening, the young man arrived with a small package and gave it to his girlfriend. Delighted, she opened it and found a book entitled "The meaning of dreams."

"But why?" asked Mike. "Valentine's Day Joke"

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied

Business can be generated any how!

An advocate goes to a gift shop 7 days before Valentine's Day.


He bought 40 beautiful cards and wrote - "To my love !! I hope you recognize! Meet me in the evening, "I love you"
The shopkeeper asked: What is the matter?
So the lawyer said - I sent such cards to the nearby colony on the last Valentine's Day. In a few days, I got four cases of divorce.
This time I am sending 40 cards

On Valentine's Day

On Valentine's Day , a man and his wife got up from bed
The wife told the man that she dreamt of him giving her a diamond ring on Valentine's Day. She asked him what it meant. He said, " You'll see tonight."
That night he came home with a small package.
Excited, his wife opened the package to find a book named "The Meaning of Dreams"

Valentine's Day for people who are single.

For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day

For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day

For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday

For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday

A man is shopping for a Valentine's Day Card

He goes into the shop and asks the lady working there, "Do you have any cards that say 'For the one and only love of my life?'

'That's so romantic! The lady exclaims 'Yes, we do have a card with that exact text.'

'Great!' the man replies, 'I'll take eight.'

The Valentine's Day Blonde

A woman receives a huge bouquet of flowers from her boyfriend at the office and is clearly upset about it. Her co-workers ask what's wrong.

She replies, very annoyed: "This is just great. Now I guess I'll have to spend the whole evening on my back, with my legs in the air!"

The blonde says, "That's awful! Don't you have a vase?"

I told my gf she'd look hotter with her hair back.

Apparently, that is an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

I don't know why she's so upset, I'm the one that's gotta find a new girlfriend.

She has her whole life to get her hair back, I only have 153 days until Valentine's Day.

(Combined 2 jokes I heard plus added the last part).

Guess who?

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."

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