Vampire Jokes


Funniest Vampire Jokes

Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. "It's irony."

Funny Vampire Jokes

I think my friend is a vampire I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

A vampire walks into a bar... and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks "I thought you guys only drink blood?"

The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

I killed a vampire last Halloween ...or a kid. Either way, the wooden stake worked.

How often does the vampire go down on his wife? Periodically

There's only one vampire on Sesame Street... At least, only one that counts.

A Halloween Limerick A lady vampire named Mable

Had a period that was awfully stable.

So once a full moon

She took out her spoon

And drank herself under the table.

How can you tell if a vampire is sick? If he's coffin.


So sorry

What did the Vampire say to the Teacher? See you next period.

(Heard this 20 years ago, hope it's not overly recycled)

Why can't a vampire accidentally get you pregnant? They have to ask you before they come inside!

A vampire walks into a bar.. He approaches the barman. The barman asks, "what will it be?" The vampire asks for a mug of hot water. The barman confused asks "don't you folk drink blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I’m now the main stake holder.

I recently signed on as a partner at this vampire hunting firm. I'm a stakeholder now.

Vampires Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first two order bloody Mary’s, but the third vampire only asks for water.
"Why water?" asked the other two.
The third one pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea."

ME [a detective]: The victim has 2 puncture wounds on his neck. He was obviously bitten by a vampire. ######OTHER DETECTIVE [Holding up bloody BBQ fork]:
I think he was stabbed with this.

**ME [Pinching bridge of nose]:** Gary… why would a vampire use a BBQ fork?

A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face.... The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"

My vampire girlfriend doesn't give me any space She's always breathing down my neck.

A Vampire walks into a bar.... And orders a cup of hot water from the bartender. Upon hearing this request the bartender asks "Why just water?" To which the Vampire, pulls out a used tampon and replies "I'm making tea."

There was a vampire who drank his own blood He said it tasted irony.

What do vampire hummingbirds eat? Your blood sugar!

My wife won't laugh at this :(

What did the woman say to the vampire when she woke up with her period? "I made you breakfast in bed!"

I like hunting with my vampire friends. It's nice to crack open a boy with the cold ones.

Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character? Me: The vampire

Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does

What does a vampire drink while on a diet? Blood Light®.

An innocent man was killed by a vampire hunter. It was a terrible mistake.

As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland But now I can't find any virgins!

-- Frankie Boyle

The midget vampire woke up from his 100-year slumber His first words were: "Huh... I'm a little stiff".

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID? It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

There once was a vampire named Mabel... ... Whose menstrual period was stable.

So one week in four

She'd slip to the floor

And drink herself under the table.

What do you call a vampire whose car breaks down 3 miles from a blood bank? A cab.

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I'm a vampire that only feeds only on virgin blood... I'm 100% self-sufficient.

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a mug of hot water. The bartender looks confused and asks 'Don't you drink blood?'

The vampire holds up a used tampon and says. 'I'm making tea.'

Why didn't the vampire purchase the expensive suit? He just couldn't ever see himself wearing it.

Three vampires walk into a bar... The first two order a pint of blood each, the third asks for a jug of boiling water, confused the barman asks "why?". The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea"

What do you call a fat goth? Buffet the Vampire Slayer

I once knew a vampire who refused to drink blood He would satisfy his cravings with fake blood, which his body rejected and he ended up dying from it.

I asked him on his death bed how the fake blood tasted and he said "a little irony"

A man sucked the blood of a vampire and he said.. Hmm, irony.

It's okay if a vampire drinks his homies' blood. But only if he says "No Hemo" after.

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New Vampire Jokes

I found out there is this subscription service called Vampire Boyfriends. It's a once a month fee and only for women.

Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.

Why was the vampire arrested? He was involved in a Bit and Run.

Today in my business class, the teacher asked us what a stakeholder was. Apparently, Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn't the right answer.

What do you call a vampire on sale? Discount Dracula.

What did the vampire order for breakfast? Scrambled AIDS

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. So the bartender gives the vampire a cup of hot water.

And the vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "It's tea time."

How can you tell when a vampire is done?... When he ‘edraculates’...

A vampire calls his doctor, "Someting is very, very wrong." When I pee, there is no blood!

What do you call a vampire who is easily knocked over, possibly into other vampires? Dominosferatu

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Drac Frost

What can you tell about a vampire who attacks during the day? He's a daydrinker.

Took a shower with a vampire yesterday It was a bloodbath

Why didnt the vampire attack taylor swift? cuz she got bad blood

Where does a Spanish vampire live? A HUANted house.

Q: What does a vampire drink to get drunk? A: Bloody mary

What do you call a vampire that never leaves? A pain in the neck

What do you call a short vampire ? Vlad the Imp.

There was a young vampire named Mabel Whose periods were quite unstable
By the light of the moon
She took out a spoon
And drank herself under the table

Why are there so many vampire stories, but only in Europe, the Americas, Antarctica, and Asia? Because vampires die if they touch holy water, and they bless the rains down in Africa.

What do you call a vampire in a dress? A Transylvestite.

What does a vampire drink when depressed? B positive!

What do my girlfriend and a vampire with no teeth have in common? Neither of them suck

What do my girlfriend and a vampire have in common? Neither of them suck

What do you call a vampire that wants to sneeze but lacks a nasal cavity? Nose-for-ah-choo

Why was the vampire removed as CEO? He couldn't appeal to the stakeholders.

A vampire walks in a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender looks at him and says “Hot Water? I thought vampires drink blood” The vampire pulls out a bloody tampon and says “I’m making tea”.

What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer? You can kill the vampire by stabbing a wooden peg in his heart.

The lawyer does not have one.

Why can't a vampire see his bride on the wedding day? Because an open casket ceremony costs more

what does a russian vampire say? \*\*I'm gonna cyka blyat\*\*

What is the definition of desperate? A vampire sucking on a used tampon

What do you call a vampire who went to the beach? Ash!

Vampire Weekend’s tour bus driver was arrested. He was caught smuggling Contra band.

What did the vampire say to the teacher? See you next period

What does a vampire bathe in? A bath tub.

Ignoring a vampire never works. It always comes back to bite you.

C3PO is trying to get Nitrous Oxide for his robot friend. He walks up to a vampire and says 'I want Nos for Ar-Too'.

What do you call a vampire slayer that lies? Bluffy.

A vampire sells a mirror Cheap mirror, excellent condition; Never used.

There's this vampire who's more powerful than any other, because he can't be hurt by the sun All other vampires pale in comparison

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Long Vampire Jokes

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have taken part in many activities to pass the time. Through subtle influence, I have bought monarchs to the throne, and ended the span of tyrannical leaders. I have replaced chaos with order, and then installed chaos back in its place. But in recent years, I have taken great pleasure in the mundane. The every day. The boring.

I: Please, tell me more about the recent years.

V: I have taken my place in society, tried to give back to a world that has given me so much by fulfilling some tasks that others would not. I have rid the planet of a number of diseases by removing their carriers. I have stopped wars before they started. But most recently, it has been a more direct approach. Sweeping the streets, emptying bins. My current role has been the most surprising.

I: And what are you doing currently that is so surprising?

V: Well, cleaning. It gives me great pleasure. Sweeping, dusting, mopping. All of it. I am enjoying this more than anything else I have done. And one aspect has been a massive surprise to me.

I: Really?

V: Yes. Cleaning mirrors. It’s just not a job that I ever saw myself doing.

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantly, he returns in a huge flock of bats. His hands are covered in blood.

With a cackle, he points down the road.

"You see that abandoned coach down there? I slaughtered everyone in it! The driver, a nobleman and his wife, their three sons, and a guardsman! All dead in the blink of an eye!"

The second, older than the first, but younger than the last, scoffs. "Child's play. Watch this." And disappears with the wind. Even with his heightened senses, the younger could not follow his movements.

The second vampire reappeared as suddenly as he had vanished, and the gust of his speed knocked the youngest to the ground. His hands, mouth, and collar were caked with gore. He gestures towards a town in the distance. As the vampires watched, a building lit on fire, and fell onto another one. Soon, the entire town was alight, but no movement could be seen from the townsfolk at all.

"A hundred people in that town! All dead! Torn to shreds!"

The youngest was in awe, but the eldest of the three only chuckled amusedly.

"How cute." He says.

The second looks almost indignant. "I'd like to see you do better."

The third lets out a malevolent chuckle.

"Very well."

He gets up, dusts off his cloak, and puts his spectacles down on a rock.

He disappears with a **CRACK.** The other two vampires' jaws dropped at the impossible speed that the eldest flew at.

Another resounding **CRACK** filled the air as the eldest vampire returned to the cave. His cloak was in tatters. His clothes were disheveled. But most prominent was the blood. His entire body was covered in blood. Never would the other vampires imagine that so much blood could cling to one person.

The eldest lets out a sigh, and plops to the ground. He reaches for his glasses, and cleans them with what remains of his cloak.

The younger vampires look at each other, not sure whether to break the silence.

Finally, the youngest asks, "So...?"

The elder vampire looks up slowly. He murmurs,

"You see that massive tree over there? The one with the widest trunk, as thick as a man is tall?"

Baffled, the youngest replied, "...Yes?"

The eldest, sheepishly, continued.

"Well, I didn't."

3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest

The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.”

The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!”

The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother.
“Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire.
“Yeah?” Replied the other brothers,
“I didn’t.”

Three vampires are discussing who is the most powerful.

Three vampires are in a castle in Transylvania discussing how strong and powerful they are. The youngest of the group slams his fist on the table and exclaims, "I am the fastest out of us three! Watch this!"

He bursts out the window transforming into a bat and flies towards a small village. 2 minutes later, he returns with his face covered in blood.

"What happened?!" the other two Vampires ask.

"You know that village by the woods?" the youngest Vampire explained. "I flew down there, killed and drank the blood of an entire family, and flew back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive!" shouted the second vampire. "But you're 1000 years too young to be faster than I!" and he burst threw the same window as the first, headed to the village. 1 minute later, the second vampire returned to the room through the window, his face a mask of blood.

"What happened?" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"That same village you went too? Many villagers gathered around the house you attacked to see what had happened. I managed to kill and drink the blood of five whole families and get back here before they even knew what hit them."

"Very impressive...." said the eldest vampire quietly. "But you are also 1000 years too young to be faster than I. I AM THE STRONGEST and FASTEST vampire alive!" and in a flash, the eldest vampire was through the window. 15 seconds later, the eldest returned to the room, his face drenched in blood.

"What happened?!" exclaimed the other two vampires.

"Did you see that tree the villagers planted years ago at the front of their village?"

"Of course." said the other two vampires.

"Well, I did not."

Three vampires are bragging to each other...

The first says "Watch this." leaves, and is back in an instant, mouth covered in blood. He points at a villager and says "You see that villager? Sucked him dry."

The second, impressed, but not willing to be outdone, leaves and returns just as fast as the first, blood covering her mouth, neck and cheeks. She points and says "You see that town? Bone dry, no survivors."

The third shrugs and says "That's nothing, watch this." He's barely gone a fraction of a second before he's back with a face completely covered in blood. The first vampire asks "What did you do?" The third vampire replied "You see that pole?"


"I didn't"

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

Three vampires are sitting on the graveyard wall.

The first says that he is really hungry and flys into the night. After half an hour he returns and his mouth is full of blood. The other two ask him: "where did you get that?" He answers: "Do you see that little light across the hill? It was a little family at a camping trip. Delicious!" 

The second vampire starts in the air and returns 15minutes later, the whole face covered with blood. The others ask jealousy: "Where have you been?" Smiling he answers: "You guys see that group of lights down there? It was a wedding with over 20guests. I don't have to eat for a week!"

Finally the third vampire starts into the dark sky, and returns about five minutes later. His whole body, top to bottom is covered in blood.

Exited the other two ask:"Man where did you go?!" 

"Do you see that tree right there?"


"Well, I didn't"

A Vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and takes a seat at the bar. When the bartender asks what he'll have to drink the vampire replies, "a glass of hot water." The bartender a bit confused asks, "I thought you vampires drank blood?" The vampire proceeds to pull out a used tampon and replies, "I'm having tea."

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, until they get to a field with a single tree in the middle of it. All the bats are impatient, saying 'Harry is the blood here? Where is it, man? Harry replied 'You see that tree there? I didn't.'

3 vampires walk into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of hot blood.
15 minutes later, a second vampire walks in and does the same.
Not soon after, a third vampire walks in and orders a hot cup of water.
"Why the cup of water?" the other two asked.
He then pulled out a used tampon and said, "I'm making tea."

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with even more blood than the first one. They ask him where he got it from.

"See that man over there? That's the guy I got it from."

The third one also transforms himself into a bat. It doesn't take him too long to come back. His entire body is covered in blood. The other two are amazed and ask him where he got it from.

"See that wall over there?"

They nod.

"Well, I didn't."

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.

The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"

So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.

"See that big rock there?" He asks.

The other bat nods.

"I didn't."

Another vampire joke.

3 vampires walk into a blood bar.

The 1st vampire looks at the bartender and says "I'll have your finest cup of blood, type O negative please." The bartender happily obliges.

The 2nd vampire then places his order. "One mug of AB positive, with extra plasma please!" The bartender once again happily obliges.

The 3rd vampire asks for a cup of boiling water. The bartender, perplexed, asks what he'll be needing a cup of hot water for. The 3rd vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropping from his cheeks.

The other bats ask him what he set his teeth in and the first bat replies: "Do you see that small bush over there? Well, I saw a rat running towards it and I got to it."

The other bats now excited start looking around for something they can sink their teeth in and the second bat now takes a dive and returns several minutes later with his whole mouth covered with blood.

The 2 other bats are amazed and ask him what he found.
"Well", says the second bat, "see that red pick up truck over there? It reminded me of a farm nearby which has some cows, so I went there and took a bite."

The third bat, growing impatiently now starts flying off with great speed and returns several minutes later with his whole face dripping with blood.

The 2 other bats ask him what he found and he says: "Well, see that small post over there?"
The other bats nods.
"Well" he says, "I didn't."

A Vampire walks into a bank and pulls a gun out

“Hands up, this is a robbery!” He declares, as he starts forcing the teller to fill a sack with cash.

One of the customers, cracking slightly under the pressure asks; “Hey, shouldn’t you be robbing a blood bank?”

The vampire turns to them and grins.
“No, see, I’m cursed.” He explains.


“Yep, I can only feed on smartasses, and there’s always at least one when I pull this stunt.”

Best vampire joke ever, no really!

2 vampires are sitting at a bar when the bartender asks the first "what'll be?"

To which the vampire replies "ahh, make it a bloody Mary, and double up on the Mary."

The bartender then turns and asks the second vampire, "What I can do for you?"

The second vampire replies, "I'll just have a cup of hot water"

Both the bartender and the first vampire look at him quizzically, "why do you want hot water?"

He then pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, "oh! I making tea."

Vampire missionaries

"Hello, do you have a minute to talk about Dracula?"

No. Wait..."Dracula" Dracula?


So you're vampires?

"Yes. We have pamphlets"

Vampires have missionaries now?

"How else would we get new vampire members?"

But don't you just like, bite people?

"That's a hurtful stereotype sir. **May we come in?**"

Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you see that large tree over there?" He said.
"Yes, yes!" the bats said, excitedly.
"Good for you, I didn't."

A vampire walks into a bar...

and orders a glass of blood, the bartender thinks its a bit odd, but gets him what he wants anyway.

The vampire drinks it, drops a good tip on the table and leaves. This happens for a good week or two and the bartender is getting quite used to seeing him in the bar when one day the vampire comes in, sits down at the bar. The bartender asks, "The usual?"

"No, actually can I have some hot water?" the vampire says. The bartender gives him a questioning look, and the vampire holds up a bloody tampon and says, "Tea time!"

A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a...

...a pint of blood and some crisps.

Barmaid replies sorry we dont do blood here, only crisps.
"Ah thats ok I'll have the crisps" replies the Vampire - he pays for them and sits down.

A second Vampire walks in and asks for the pint of blood and some peanuts. Again the barmaid tells him there's no blood, just peanuts . Like the first vampire he takes the peanuts and sits next to the first.

A third Vampire walks in and asks the barmaid for a pint of water and some pork scratchings. the barmaid gives the vampire what he asks for and sits down next to the other two.

"Water?! whats wrong with you!? why not blood?!" asks the first vampire

"Oh thats easy!" replies number three. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon. "Never heard of a T-bag?"

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