Witch Jokes

Contents

Funniest Witch Jokes

Funny Witch Jokes

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe I said its Narnia buisness

What do you call a witch that only eats sand? Malnourished

Why do I have a lion and witch in my wardrobe? It's Narnia business

Why could the witch never get the enchantments right? She forgot to use Spell Check.

What do you call a witch who only eats sand? Malnourished.

Why do witches wear name tags? To know which witch is which.

A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar The bartender asks what they're having.

The witch replies "Narnia business."

Did you hear about the witch that was casting spells and driving at the same time? She turned her car into a tree.

Why did the witch have so many hickies? She was dating a necromancer.

Dad: Hey why is there a lion and a witch in your wardrobe? Son: It’s Narnia business!

What do you call a witch who uses illegal spells? A hex offender.

What does a witch say to fly faster? Broom, broom!

You thought Dad jokes were a thing? How about this Grandma joke: I woke up this morning to find a lion AND a witch in my wardrobe. When I asked them what they were doing, they shouted, "Narnia business!"

A witch was going to take a friend's broom for a ride But she couldn't drive a stick

Dad: What's the lion and witch doing in your wardrobe? Son: It's Narnia business.

My wife asked me to pick the music for her mother's funeral. Apparently Ding-Dong! The Witch Is Dead was not the appropriate song.

My life is like a fairytale Everyday, when I come home, there's a witch waiting for me.

What do you call a witch in the middle east? A sandwitch.

My friend was grateful when I told her about the supernatural cure for the virus. I knew I made the right choice when I told her witch doctor to go to.

Why didn't the witch wear panties.... So she could grip the broom better.

What do you call a witch from the Middle East? A sand witch

Did you hear about the witch that died while melting down armor? Her last words were: "I'm smeltinggg"

What do you call a witch who eats sand? Malnourished

What's similar between Scarlet Witch and Daredevil? [spoilers] The both lost their vision

What do witch doctors write their letters in? Cursive

Oooooo Eeeeee Oooooo Ahhh Ahhh Ting Tang... I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a Witch Doctor.

“Why do you want to do that?” I asked.

“Pwobabwy for financial secuwity,” she replied.

Did you hear about the witch who couldn't have children? her husband had a Holloweenie.

People say the #MeToo movement is starting to resemble a witch hunt, but I don't think that's fair... For one thing, in a real witch hunt, the accused gets a trial first.

Why did the witch doctor cross the road? He’s got friends on the other side.

Why Doesn’t a witch wear panties? So she can get a better grip.

Why couldn't the witch get pregnant? Because her husband had a hollow weenie

What's the problem with twin witches? You never know which witch is which.

How do you make a witch scratch? Remove the w

A man meets a witch. A man goes to a witch and asks her to be liberated from an old spell.

>I can help you, I do however, need to know the exact same words of said spell

I remember, it was: *I now pronounce you, husband and wife.*

What do you call a witch who can't decide between casting good spells or bad spells? Trans-hex-ual

What type of witch goes to the beach? A Sandwitch

What does Daredevil and Scarlet Witch have in common? They both love red and lost their Vision

What do you call a witch who only eats sand? Anything you like - she’s dead.

What does a witch use to see if her spells are going to work? Spell check!

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New Witch Jokes

what do you call a witch in the desert? Dry spell!!!!

I asked the neighbourhood witch to help me assemble my new IKEA furniture, and we were done in record time. Turns out, she is a hexpert at this.

I called my elderly grandfather to check in on him He told me that he wasn't doing so well, and the doctor said he didn't have much time left.

"Which doctor?" I asked

"No not a witch a doctor, a real doctor"

How does a witch make her broom stick? She doesn't wear panties.

A driver ran over a man with a car The man said: "Are you blind?!"

To witch the driver responded: "I didn't miss you, did I?"

All washed up I was dating the wicked witch of the west. Things were going pretty good.


One day we got a little kinky and decided to take a bath together.


Relationship went straight down the drain.

How do magicians support their favorite streamers? They sub with Witch Prime.

King: why is my castle flooded? Knight: somebody told that idiot witch to *storm the castle*

My Mother-in-law told me she was going to a Witch and Wizard hunt in Manchester According to my wife, “where are you planning on hiding” wasn’t the correct response.

I travelled back to the 15th century the other day and saw a very attractive young witch Indeed, she was smoking hot.

What happens when a witch goes for a race? Broom Broom

If you ever encounter an evil witch show them the periodic table They're good at chemistry

A witch turned me into a piece of toast but I got butter

A Emo and a leaf fall off a tree witch one hits the ground 1st? The leaf, A rope stops the Emo

A witch doctor can perform a dance to get rid of happy feelings of your enemies It's a good riddance

Me: "A beautiful witch was hitch-hiking... so I stopped and picked her up"

Friend: "How do you know she was witch?"

Me: "Well she got in my car, put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel"

Doctor’s appointment Man: I would like to schedule a doctor’s appointment.

Receptionist: Alright, which doctor?

Man: Oh no, not the witch doctor he creeps me out. Just a regular doctor please.

How did the Wicked Witch of the West's wild and more voluptuous sister die? She entered a wet t-shirt contest.

[salem witch trials] **judge:** You are guilty of doing magic! What do you have to say for yourself young lady?

**woman:** It's misdirection!

**judge:** Oh sorry! *miss* direction, do you have anything to say?

**woman:** *sigh* nevermind...

What do you call a witch hunt in Byzantium? Orthodoxxing

What if the ice bucket challenge Was just a long game to bring down the Wicked Witch of the West?

So, someone asked me if I was already wearing my Halloween mask. I said, "No, I just have resting witch face."

What does the witch say when she takes off on her broom? Broom broom

What religion did the witch DJ follow? Wicca Wicca

Two marvel characters that lost their vision 1. Daredevil

2. Scarlet Witch

What does a modern-day witch ride ? A vroomstick

My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in my wardrobe. Just kidding. My dads dead

What do you call a witch with dwarfism that robs a bank? A small medium at large

What's the difference between a witch and a which? I'm not shore.

What’s the difference between a witch and a warlock? The spelling.

Why did the Wicked Witch of the West buy vaseline? Because she can’t get wet.

What did one witch say to the other at the harvest festival? That's macabre

What does every witch keep in her toolbox? A hex wrench!

What do you call a witch in the middle east ? Stoned.

What do you call a witch in the desert? A sandwitch

Who has been magically making Nintendo money? Nintendo’S witch

What does a witch use to bake cookies? An Easy Bake Coven

What kind of food makes a witch malnourished? Sandwiches

What did the Witch say when the Broom Salesman showed her a Vacuum? I don't want an automatic

These guys at the pub said my wife looked like Cruella de Vil. So I walked over to them and said, "How dare you compare that skinny, intimidating witch with Cruella de Vil."

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Long Witch Jokes

There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.


Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."


Curious, Attila did as he asked.


Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.


Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,


"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.


But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.
Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.


Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.


But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.


Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, “Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me.”


Curious, Attila did as he asked.
Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.


“Now hold these in both hands,” he instructed.
Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.


To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said, “Thy anaconda don’t want nun unless you’ve got buns, Hun.”

The farmer wakes up early in the morning and finds that all his cows are dead!

A farmer wakes up early in the morning and finds that all his cows are dead. Suddenly, a beatiful naked woman walks out of a lake near his barn, the even more surprised farmer asks who is there, the woman answers:

"I am the witch of the lake"

"Did you kill all my cows?"

"I did not kill your cows and I don't know how they died either, but I will give you an offer: If you can make love to me 5 times in a row I will bring all your cows back to life; but if you can't make it you will die!"

The farmer was very old but agreed because his cows were very precious to him. He started making love to the witch but fainted before he could get to the third time. The witch killed the old man.

Later in the morning, the oldest son came out of the house and found that his father and all the cows were dead, he was very confused. The same witch walked out of the lake again and talked to him:

"I am the witch of the lake, if you want to bring back your dad and all the cows you must make love to me 10 times in a row! If you fail, I will kill you the same way I killed your father"

The man agreed and started making love to the witch. He was a lot younger than his father but still couldn't do the witch the ten times. She killed him.

A few hours later, the farmer's retarded boy came out of the house. He was not amused with all the dead people and animals. The witch came out of the lake, he was not impressed either. The witch told him the same:

"I am the witch of the lake, if you want to bring back your dad, your brother and all the cows you must make love to me 50 times in a row! However, if you fail , I will kill you too!!"

"aight' I will do that"

"You fool!" Said the witch "Your brother couldn't make love to me 10 times, what makes you think you can do me 50 times?"

"How do you think all the cows died?"

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first .

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:


What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened .

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day... or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch ? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT... make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now...what is the moral to this story?

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The moral is:
If you don't let a woman have her own way,
things are going to get ugly...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman are crossing a bridge, when suddenly a bald old woman appears.

"I am the witch who guards this bridge. Ye may only pass if you present to me a challenge which I cannot do."

The Englishman steps up first:

"I was the best footballer in my hometown. I bet you cannot kick a football further than me."

So the Englishman kicks a football, and it goes off into the distance, 5 football fields or so away. However the bald witch steps up and easily kicks the football twice as far. The Scotsman is next to challenge the witch.

"I was almost picked for the Olympic swimming team. I bet you can't swim to the other side of the river and back faster than me."

So the witch and the Scotsman jump in the river, but to the Scotsman's surprise the bald witch easily beats him to the other side and back.

The Irishman is the last to challenge the witch. He pauses for a moment, then pulls a comb out of his jacket pocket, looks the witch in the eyes, and starts combing his hair back.

"I bet you can't do this."

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.

OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

*Now....what is the moral to this story?*





The moral is.....

If you don't let a woman have her own way, things are going to get ugly

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.

One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid" , said the woman.

The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "he is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."

The woman is fuming. she says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk,
and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."

The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 555-4821?"

The Priest & The Frog...

"One fine sunny morning, the Irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool."

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest."

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Please explain!"

"Well, once upon a time I was a 12 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the local wicked witch. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, she turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & warmth and with a good nights sleep I would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 12-year-old boy beside him in bed,

And that your honor is the case for the Defense.......

The Priest and the Frog.

One fine sunny morning, the irish priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the irish priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the irish priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story." said the irish priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the irish priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The irish priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the irish priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "

An old man has trouble getting it up with his wife...

He has tried pills, oils, anything he can get his hands on, but nothing works. He tells his buddy about this, and his buddy says "I know a witch doctor who has a remedy for this. Go see her, she will help you out.


The old man goes to the witch doctor and explains his problems. "I know just the thing," she says, and hands him a potion. "Drink this. When you are ready, just say 'one, two, three.' Your problems will be solved. When you are finished, your partner must say, 'one, two, three, four,' and that will be that. You can only use this potion once every full moon."


Excited to try this new remedy, he runs home. That night, things are starting to get hot and heavy. He turns around and says "one, two three." Just like that, he is hard as a rock, like he was 18 again. He faces his wife, ready to go.


Impressed, his wife stared at him and said, "Wow, that looks great. What did you say 'one, two, three,' for?"

A prince which was in love with a princess was cursed by a witch so that he could only say 1 word each year, he didn´t speak for 4 years until he finally said "Princess, I love you" Then the princess looked at him and said

"What did you say?"

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Btw, i took this from a novel i red so some might have heard it before.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are captured by a witch

The witch tells them, "If you say something about yourself that is true, I will let you go, if not, you will vanish into thin air"

The brunette says, "I think I'm the prettiest"
*Poof!* the brunette disappears.


The redhead says, "I think I'm the smartest"
*Poof!* the redhead disappears.

The blonde says, "I think..." *Poof!*

Young King Arthur was ambushed

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, the accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises...etc ....etc. He

had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for an horrific night, entered the bedroom.

What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly, underneath it all, she's still a witch---and don't you forget it.

The legend of Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appetite, and soon stopped eating altogether; perhaps due to the stress of frequent travel and an irregular diet.

Wishing to save his prized pet, Attila sought help from the local chirurgeons and witch doctors. None of them could do anything for him, until a wizened sage suggested feeding the serpent only young female virgins.

Attila was pleased with this idea, and was delighted to find that a city he had raided just happened to have a Christian convent with a convenient supply of the recommended food for his pet.

But the snake refused to eat, or even touch any of the consecrated virgins from the convent. Enraged, Attila sent for the soothsayer who advised him to have him executed.

Standing before Attila, the old man calmly said, "Before thou killest me, may thee first bring the snake and one of the women to me."

Curious, Attila did as he asked.

Then the old man took some bread and gave it to Attila.

"Now hold these in both hands," he instructed.

Attila did so, and as soon as he did, the snake let out a terrifying hiss, and swallowed the virgin whole.

To an amazed Attila, the old man simply said,

"Thy anaconda don't want nun unless you've got buns, Hun."

A Very Short Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor!"

Made this joke up at my great grandmother's house while she was baking today.

One day a baker is trying to sell his bread on the streets but nobody will buy it. He goes home and on the way meets a witch. The witch tells the baker, "I'll make your bread the most special bread in the world! No other bread will be like to bread you make, but you have to pay be 50 gold!"
The baker has 50 gold, but it's all he has and if he gives it away he won't have dinner, but he decides to do it anyways so he pulls his money out of his pockets and gives it to the witch. The witch sprinkles her wand over him and he glows for a second. The witch disappears and the baker goes home and starts baking bread. When he's finished he goes to cut the bread when it yells "ow!"
He looks at the bread and says, "who said that?"
The bread says, "I did! I'm the magical talking bread and no other bread talks like I do so I'm special! And I can feel pain so don't cut me!"
The baker says, "but! I need to sell bread to make money!"
The bread says, "I'll be honest, your bread probably tastes terrible but I'm a great showman so I'll make you hundreds of dollars a day as an attraction."
While the man considers it, the bread says, "I may not be what you want, but I'm what you kneaded!"

Adam meets a witch

The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"!


Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive."

Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely *will* be cursed!

Adam: "Nope. You're hideous."

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! "

Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato."

Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until repent and call me pretty!"

He is still adamant.

a farmer interviewed about his two white and black cows

reporter: what do you feed the cows?

farmer: the white or the black one ?

- the white one.

- hay.

-and the black one?

-also hay.

- where do they sleep?

-the white or the black one?

- .....the white one!

- in the barn

-and the black one ???

- also in the barn.

-!!!?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK WITCH ONE IM REFERRING TO IF THE ANSWER IS THE SAME FOR BOTH OF THEM??

-oh please forgive me but the WHITE one is mine.

-and the black one??

-also mine.

A baby was born in South Africa.

The village was very poor, and the makeshift hospital didn't have some necessary equipment.. such as scales.

The father however, was desperate to know the newborn baby's weight. After quite a bit of asking around, the hospital's chairman came up with an idea.

"Five miles west, there's a butcher shop. The owner deals with meat, he should have a rather precise scale. You could just put your baby on the meat scale, and the weight reading you'll get should be pretty accurate."

And so the father departed westward. After much walking, with his newborn child cardled safely in his arms, he finally arrived at the butcher shop. He explained his dilemma to the shop owner, to witch the latter replied:

"Don't worry, friend. It's not even a problem, I'll check it for you, free of charge." And so he took the child to the back, where the scale was located.

The father heard rumbling noises, and some scraping.. About a minute later the butcher came back.

"About three pounds boneless" He said.

A Little Man

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks "He can drink?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink."

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

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