Witty Jokes

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Funniest Witty Jokes

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it. So wake me up when it’s all over

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport... The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"

I replied "No, only guns."

Funny Witty Jokes

How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks? With great power comes great response ability.

A linguistics professor is giving a lecture... She says "Only in few languages, like Russian do two negatives make a positive, but there is not a single language known where two positives make a negative"
A witty student shouts back "yeah right! "

Witty Answer from a Four Year Old Mom just informed me that I said this when I was little. The original punch line is "Make a sound like a carrot".

MOM: "How do you catch a rabbit?"
ME: "Have someone throw one at you."

Do vegans get paid hourly or celery? That's it. That was the joke. No witty punchline or anything like that. Sorry.

Did you hear about 50 Cent's clever new song about the small, detail-oriented urban cat? They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".

I don't always post something witty and amusing .....but when I do, I probably stole it from someone else.

What do you call a witty person in a wheel chair? A quipple

My boss asked if he dropped his watch in the toilet Because I was shitting on his time

And joke creds to him. I was also fresh out of witty comebacks...

I thought my witty comeback was completely original.... Turns out it was a riposte.

So this witty kid went to his teacher asked her if he can go to the bathroom... The teacher responded, "Alright, you can go."
The kid thanked his teacher and then went back to his seat.

I was born handsome, charming witty and wise I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues Then look no father

Need something witty to say after i pee in a cup... Tomorrow is drug test day... Not sure this is actually the right sub for this but watevs.

An Irishman offended everyone in the pub by making witty jokes about their mums. What was his name? O'Byrne

What do you call a witty man in Canada? A tourist.

Beating up band nerds with witty comebacks *Impales Flutist* "Must be flute poisoning"

*Bludgeons French Horn Player* "Am I making you horny?"

*Throws Tuba player off cliff* "Tu...bad"

I was going to post a humorous, witty and intelligent time travel joke... But you guys downvoted it.

How does Spiderman comes up with such witty comebacks? Because with great power comes great response-ability

What do you call a witty loaf of bread? Pun

What's clever, witty and makes everyone laugh? Definitely not me

What do they say about a guy who takes credit for other's witty word play? He has puns of steal.

To be funny you must make both a clever and witty statement that is understood by the majority of people Or just kick someone in the nuts

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Long Witty Jokes

My five-year-old, everyone.

My insanely witty five-year-old, ladies and gentlemen:



Step-daughter: "I'm hungry."

Me: "Nice to meet you, hungry, I'm dad."

Her: "Ahhhhgh could you not say that anymore?"

Me: "Aw why not, sweets?"

Her: "Because I don't like it when you call me names like hungry or thirsty or anything!"

Me: "Alright, I'm not going to say that anymore."

Her: "Nice to meet you, not going to say that anymore."



I think I just got out-dad-joked by my five-year-old. It was so unexpected, and was the first time I think I recognized how developed her humor was. I really miss her (because of a divorce, not a heroin overdose).

A Well-Argued Court Case

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.

One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125.

She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honour, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defence was somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!

'Your Honour," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your Honour, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options, "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provided to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant wrote out a cheque immediately.

I was so excited to be at my girlfriend's parent's house for dinner.

So I decided to make a good first impression by complimenting my girlfriend in front of her parents:

"Let me just start off this dinner by saying that I am delighted to be here with my beautiful girlfriend and her parents. Your daughter is an incredible person. She is kind, witty and, most importantly, blows me..."

At this point my girlfriend kicks my shin and I stop abruptly. I don't know what I said wrong but everyone is quite appalled with my little speech. I go over what I said in my head and realize what my girlfriend was alluding to. I quickly start over.

"Ummm, like I was saying. Your daughter is kind, witty and **blows me away with her intelligence!**"

As I fix my mistake, the room is filled with nervous laughter. It was not a great first impression but at least I salvaged what was left of it.

"Indeed, your daughter is a great person. But sometimes she just doesn't let me finish!"

An audio technician becomes a comedian

An audio technician is on stage at an open mic night in a comedy club.

He seems to be absolutely crushing the audience with witty and outrageous jokes.

At the end of his time he gets to do a mic drop.

That was the last night he ever did comedy.

The feedback ruined it.

A woman passes out while giving birth to her twins leaving her immature, witty brother to name them.

She wakes up and immediately asks her brother what he named her new born girl. He replies,"Denise". Surprised she says,"That's a beautiful name, what about my baby boy"? He responds with a grin from ear to ear, "Denephew".

A man goes hunting...

He is an Atheist. He is in the woods when he trips and drops his rifle down a cliffs edge, and a Bear corners him. Knowing its his last line of life, but un willing to ask for god, he thinks of a witty idea, he says "If there is a god, please make this bear a christian!".The bear stands up and says "Dear lord, thank you for this meal im about to eat".
Hueh.

What's the biggest species of ant?

The LF ant.

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Fun Fact: two Elephants can't go swimming together because there's only one pair of trunks.

Funner fact: If you fit ten of them in a room you've got an apartment

^(Also the gi)**^(ant)** ^(is bigger but the joke doesn't flow as well. Usually your audience is not witty enough to come up with giant)

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously but theose responses usually fall flat. Can anyone help me with my witt or lack there of? I expect a lot of hateful comments but I suspect there are some very clever people on here. Thanks in advance.

The good fisherman

[long]

Once upon a time, there was a kind fisherman who lived by the sea.

Each day he would walk through his sleepy town before heading out to sea.

The fisherman was an honest man, always worked diligently and was always caring to people. However, he was never the sharpest tool in the shed, never had a witty sense of humour and couldn’t charm the women in his small town.

Feeling lonely, he tried to think of funny ways to impress the girls he knew, but his jokes always were lame and unoriginal, so the women he met always lost interest in him pretty quickly.

A few years pass and the fisherman is still single, until he shares his woes with a sailor who has travelled from far lands and was just passing by. The sailor, who has seen much more of the world, tells the fisherman:

“Don’t worry friend, I’ve been all around the world and I’ve seen many ways to make women laugh and smile. I can help you. At the next port I dock in, I will send you a list of secrets and you’ll be charming all the girls in town in no time.”

The sailor then sails away to distant lands and a month goes by before the fisherman receives a parcel in his mailbox. The parcel is from the sailor and contains all sorts of the funniest jokes in the world.

The fisherman is delighted and decides to share one of the jokes with a girl he’s been in love with for a while. He starts writing an endearing love letter and hopes to charm her by including one of the sailor’s jokes at the end of the letter.

He finishes the letter, puts a stamp on it and decides to give it to the mailman who lives just a stones throw from him.

But just as he reaches the mailman’s house, he stops dead in his tracks and changes his mind. Being an honest man, he knows he cannot send the letter.

All this time, the mailman has been watching the fisherman through his window and comes out to ask the fisherman what is going on.

The mailman says “I see you’ve got a letter there, would you like to give it to me for delivery?”

The fisherman gives the mailman a look of guilt and says “there is this girl I’ve been in love with for a while. I was planning to send her this love letter, but I can’t”

The mailman, feeling pity for the lonely fisherman tells him “why not? a real man is not afraid to declare his love for a woman, in fact it is romantic”

The fisherman says “yes I know, but you see I’ve also included in my letter a very funny joke mailed to me by a sailor from a far away land. it is the funniest joke in the world, but if I sent my letter, the joke would be a repost”

What IS a "dad joke"

My fiancé has always adored what she called my "dad jokes"

I am 25 years old and have no children. Upon looking up the definition of dad jokes, our dear friend Merriam has labeled them as "Indicitive of the type of bad jokes as told by one's father."

My definition is that it must be witty and only funny enough to elicit a fake and non committed "heh" nothing more.

My question is this: Can one who is not a father tell dad jokes? And if so what then is your definition?

Please provide me with your expertise on this matter!

Need help making a joke about Nuclear power plants. (Its about jokes and guidelines/information don't say I can't ask for a joke)

I was thinking about Fission and how Nuclear Power Plants have the word plants in them. In biology there is a word for Fission and that means to split into smaller things that eventually produce you again.

I am trying to make a witty joke but im really bad at making them. Can someone help me make a science joke about fission that isn't "gone fission" or "fission chips"

A teacher is teaching a school lesson

Teacher: Whoever stands up is stupid, and will be expelled from this school!

*nobody stands up*

Teacher: Any volunteers?

*a witty student stands up*

Teacher: Johnny, do you really want to get expelled?

Johnny: No, I just thought you were kind of lonely standing by yourself.

I'm not witty enough to make the joke but i've got the punchline and opener pretty much set up I just need help with the wording, can someone help me make this a joke?

Ok so it is a play on the old

Q:"do you know what a pirates favorite letter is?"

A:"ARR(R)"

Q:"well the pirate does like the letter 'r' but his favorite letter is the sea(c)"

I was wondering because everyone knows that ending and is anticipating it we could add another layer, this could be Aye(I).

So if the person gives the answers well its either C or R, you could reply "well in actual fact it is I. I just don't know how to word it right so that it would come off as a joke or flow well

Not a joke, but some witty comment I like to say

Whenever I get my hands on one of my friends phone (who isn't single), or whenever one of them gets a new girlfriend, I ask:

"Do you have any naked photos of you girlfriend on your phone?"

Naturally, the answer is "No", at which I respond:

"Do you want some?"


Works every time :)

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