Writing Jokes

Contents

Funniest Writing Jokes

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

A conversation with god about Trump John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: Yeah, trumpets.

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

Funny Writing Jokes

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.' If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir, we are writing to inform you that you have violated the copyright agreement..

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other Retards

/u/TheDarkKn1ght

(First post to this community, please be kind)

My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again

My girlfriend is kind of like a ninja attack.. They're two things I'll never see coming.


(I've never been so proud of myself for writing a joke)

What' is a pirate's least favourite letter? Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

There's this hot girl in my college writing class. Her body is a 10, but her intro and conclusion need some work.

I was writing a joke about a stone rolling up a hill, but it lost momentum. It still has potential.

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation

I'm writing a book about WD-40. It's Non-Friction

I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love. It never got published. It was all in vein.

I have a fetish for writing the last paragraph of a paper. I just came to that conclusion.

A letter to Keyboard Manufacturers Dear Keyboard Manufacturers,

I'm writing to request a redesign so that 'g' and 't' wouldn't be right next to each other.

Retards,

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer' Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

I started writing an abortion joke But it never fully developed

Facebook is like jail You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

I just finished writing a book on cats It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day. But she changed my password.

What type of writing makes the most money? Ransom notes.

When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins. Because you might not be able to differentiate between them.

I got a paper cut while writing my suicide note. It's a start.

Why is Microsoft so bad at writing music? Because they can only use OneNote!

An English class is writing an essay One of the students asks how long the essay should be.
The teacher responds, "Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested".

I'm writing a movie about a woman who kills her husband by giving him poisoned Viagra. Calling it "Die Hard".

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM... Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

I'm writing a musical about puns. It's a play on words.

I'm writing this from the hospital Don't worry! The doctors say I'm going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!

Im writing this from the hospital. Don't worry the doctors say that im gonna be fine. But i feel i should warn you that the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" has a very misleading name

There's a strange new trend at work, people are writing names on the food in the company fridge Today I had a chicken sandwich named Kevin

Russian kids were writing an essay about their heroes.... ..... The title was: "Who is your hero and why Stalin?"

what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea a salt with a deadly wetpen

*hides*

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear sir,

We are writing you because you have violated certain copyright laws...

What's a pirate's least favorite letter? Dear Sir,
We are writing to you because you have violated copyright ...

I majored in Politics, Computer Science, and Dance. Now I'm stuck writing Al Gore Rhythms.

I'm writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.

I've just finished writing a script for a film I titled "American Schools" Shooting starts soon.

Popular Topics

New Writing Jokes

What did they call Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books? Author

Writing the script for the Tetris movie must be hard, Every time they write a line, it disappears.

I’ve created a writing software to rival Microsoft. It’s their Word against mine.

My brother has been writing a stage drama about a dictionary and a thesaurus. I'm really looking forward to it. I love a play on words.

Boss: If I knew your writing was so small I'd never have hired you Me: Well it was on my resume, you should have read the small print

I’m writing a novel about a guy that can kill with words Working title “Death Sentence”

What did they rename the Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books? Author

Wearing a mask at work So I was at work, and cleaning off my desk, writing a few notes for the next shift. That’s when I saw it. One small hair on my desk. So instinctively I put my head closer, and tried to blow it away. That’s when it hit me.

“Officer, why are you crying and writing me a ticket?” Cop: Because....it’s a moving violation.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil. I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

I decided to kill off a few characters in the story I'm writing Would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book There are no words

A patriotic theater director for fired by their university after announcing they were writing a new show. They probably shouldn’t have searched for “ProState Play” ideas on their work computer.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken. "The Diary of Anne Frank"

A conversation about Trump while writing Revelations John: "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John: "Yeah, trumpets."

God: "Never mind. They'll know."

I’m writing a book about an Australian Shepherd dog who, against all odds, opened up his own yoga studio. The title: Downward Underdog.

I started writing a book about punctuation, but what's the point?

Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation.

A Facebook friend of mine got arrested today Dude's been posting about drug dealers.

Can't say I'm surprised, the writing was on the wall.

Did you hear about the mathematician who suffered muscle pain when writing out equations? They had fibromyalgebra

The other day I told my mom I was writing an autobiography... She said for dramatics I should kill off the main character, I don’t think she realized it was an autobiography...

A rich man visits Karl Marx as he's writing the Communist manifesto. He asks: "So what's in that book of yours, Mr. Marx?"

Marx replies: "None of your business."

I’m writing a television series which involves everyone smoking dope. It’s a mellow drama.

Breaking News: A programmer has been accused of writing unreadable code He has declined to comment.

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team? Because they had poorgrammar skills.

Forget writing Santa asking for miracle... ...I'm writing Willy Wonka and asking for an Everlasting GOPstopper.

My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate, then burn them Ok, done with the writing and the burning. Wtf am I supposed to do with the bunch of letters, though?

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank. Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

A young man is writing his grandmother a letter His friends sees it and asks him: who are you writing that letter?

My grandma, the boy replies. Why are you writing so slowly? His friend asks him.

She can’t read very fast!

Him: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Her: "OK, maybe writing out own wedding vows was a mistake."

My last girlfriend became a cop and ended up pulling me over and writing me a ticket. She asked why I seemed so happy about it. I told her I was just ex-cited.

Just got home and realised Staples had sold me a packet of cardboard instead of paper. I’m writing them a stiff letter.

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Why was the prison writing contest canceled? The warden decided that there were too many cons and not enough prose

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates. It’s called Prose and Cons

I'm writing a script about a guy who loses a year of his life every time he jacks off. It's a coming of age story.

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I'm writing Would definitely spice up my autobiography a little

I’m going to kill off some characters in this book I’m writing That should spice up my autobiography a little

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1"" It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

A Limerick (OC) A man was once offended

By a pun writing contest he entered

He submitted ten

Sure that one would win

But alas no pun in ten did

Popular Topics

Long Writing Jokes

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

Dear Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, dad.

She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it!

Don't worry dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.

I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.

Call when it is safe for me to come home!

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician have been imprisoned.

At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.

"How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!"

The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."

The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.

The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."

Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed." The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.

"It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.

My first attempt at writing a joke, please take it easy on me.

A man walks into a candy shop, as he is perusing around the shop he notices the shopkeep waiving him over to the counter. Not sure what he is really looking for he makes his way over to the counter to see if the shopkeep can be of any assistance.

Man: I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for, nothing has really caught my eye quite yet.

SK: Well we have all kinds of wonderful products but to me, it looks like you are a man of sophistication and great taste, and I think I have a new product that could be perfect for you sent here personally by Mr. Wonka just today.

Man: Mr. Wonka you say, you have my attention.

SK: He noticed that laffy taffy was only bringing joy to the younger customers so he developed a mint with a nice calming flavour and while it's dissolving in your mouth it tells you a joke.

Man: That actually sounds pretty nice, I haven't heard a decent joke in a while.

SK: Why don't I let you try a few to see what you think.

The man puts one in his mouth and starts to smile and by the end of the mint he is letting out a decent laugh.

Man: That wasn't half bad, may I try another?

SK: Be my guest.

As the second dissolves in the man's mouth he is almost in tears from laughing, and he can barely catch his breath.

Man: WOW these are fantastic, Mr. Wonka outdid himself with these, laffy taffy definitely could never compare in flavour or quality of jokes. I don't know how but I bet the best jokes are always in the calm mints.

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

A couple in their 80's

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.


Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"


He replies, "To the kitchen."


She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"


He replies, "Sure."


She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"


He says, "No, I can remember that."


She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."


He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."


She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."


With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.


After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

A father passing by his sons bedroom...

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos,
tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that
you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things
in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde says,"I have 2 bags of silicon and you should see the cars outside my house.''

[It is my first time writing a joke. All my previous jokes were Ctrl+C Ctrl+V. So don't go mad at me.]

The art of joke writing

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.

I had De Gaulle to post this because I figured I had nothing Toulouse .

A sweet couple in their 80's...

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen for a drink," he replies. She asks, " Will you get me piece of cake?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you don't forget it?" He says, "No, I can certainly remember that!"

Then the woman says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better write it down because I know you'll forget it." The man replies, "I can remember that! You want some cake with strawberries."

She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream on top. Now I'm certain you're gonna forget that, so you'd better write it down ok." Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down woman! I can remember that! Cake with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the kitchen. After about 30 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?

A father is passing by his son’s bedroom

and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather.

The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.

And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.

And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story: The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter. The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said -- "Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though.”

A computer science student...

...was writing a note to his crush before lecture. The student next to him grabbed the note.
The first student tried to grab it back. “You can’t see that, it’s private!”
The second student protested, “But we’re in the same class”

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.


Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.


I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.


But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.


Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.


In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!


Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Joshua.


P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

The Superiority of Rabbits

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch," said the fox.

"Wait," replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.


A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.


The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner.

And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones.

And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.


The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

A Circle of Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Little Johnny ;-)

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

“Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have the Monday off.” said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question’?” asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen, at the front of the class, called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have the Monday off.”

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday, studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, “I had a dream!”

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out “I believe it was Martin Luther King!”

“Well done!” said the teacher. 'You can have the Monday off”

“No thank you miss. I am of Chinese origin and we also do not take time off from school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday, studying hard too.” said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, “F*%3ing Asians!”

“Who said that?” yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

“Donald Trump!” yelled little Johnny. “See ya on Tuesday ...........”

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