He comes to, looks around and finds himself in what looks like the dirtiest alley of the world's worst urban center. As he's trying to come to terms with what's happening he hears a voice say, "Hey there old friend, fancy meeting you here."
John looks up and sees his old friend Jack! "Jack, how is this possible? I though you died in a car wreck almost five years ago..."
Jack replies, "I did, and it looks like you died too. Come on, let's get you some food and I'll explain everything." Jack leads John to what looks like a soup kitchen, inside is full of people waiting patiently in two lines. In one line they are grabbing bowls of soup and in the other they are taking cups of fruit punch.
The pair take some soup and fruit punch and Jack explains to John that this is the afterlife. He tells John that the afterlife is divided into multiple circles and that the way to move up is to save enough money. Currently they're in the lowest circle. It costs ten thousand dollars for a ticket to the next one. Jack then goes on to tell how he was actually on his way to buy his ticket as he found John.
"Now John... It'll be tempting to spend some money making you time here more comfortable, but I promise that if you do that, you'll never make it out of here."
With that final warning Jack bids John farewell with a promise to see each other on the other side.
Soon after John lands a job picking trash out of alleys and after five years of hard toil saves up ten thousand dollars. He purchases his ticket and heads through the gate to the next circle.
On the other side he is greeted by white picket fence and cookie cutter ranch houses, the trappings of middle class suburbia.
A familiar voice flags him down, "John old friend! It's so good to see you!" Sure enough it's Jack. The two decide to catch up over lunch. They head to what looks like a back yard barbecue, there are once again two lines of people. One for hotdogs, hamburgers and the like and the other for fruit punch.
The two take their food and sit beneath a tree, catching up. "I'm so glad you made it John, but don't get complacent now. It's a hundred thousand dollars for the next circle... As a matter of fact I'm on my way there now. Good luck, and don't forget my warning from last time."
The two part and soon after John gets a job driving a garbage truck. It's a long time but eventually after ten years he saves up enough.
John buys his ticket and heads through the gate. Before him lies an exquisite gated community. Mansions dot the landscape, complete with tennis courts, swimming pools and any other commodity you could imagine.
Much like last time a familiar voice hails him.
"John! I was worried you wouldn't ever make it! Let's grab some food and catch up."
The two head over to an extravagant banquet hall. As before there are two lines, one for all the most lavish foods John's ever seen: caviar, roast pheasant, braised swan to name a few. The other line is quite simply fruit punch.
They take their food and sit at one of the many tables. Jack informs John that he could stay here if he wished, bit if he could save up one million dollars he would gain entry to the final circle, the closest thing to his notion of heaven in this afterlife.
Once again, Jack bids John farewell, as he's already got his ticket.
After the meal and much deliberation John decides to follow in his friend's footsteps.
John gets a job as a supervisor for regional waste management and after twenty more long years of work saves up one million dollars.
He buys his ticket and steps through a gleaming Golden gate. On the other side people are walking down a golden street in naught but pure white robes, whose look and feel reminded John of clouds.
Looking down John notices he's wearing the same, and that all of his aches, worries, and weariness has vanished.
Of course, waiting for him is his oldest friend Jack.
"Welcome, my dear friend. Let's grab a bite and catch up, one last time."
They head to a gilded ampitheater where the most heavenly ambrosia is being served. The smell reminded John of all his favorite foods, the scent of loves past and the whiff of treasured memories.
John pauses however, frowning. He turns to Jack and asks, "Where's the punchline?"
John replies, "There isn't one."
What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
I bought a parrot at an auction...
I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swear words, rude insults, and some of the dirtiest jokes I had ever heard. I was shocked, to say the least. In an attempt to correct the parrot's behavior, I would read aloud children's books, play Bach and Beethoven over the speakers, and did everything I could to set a calm and relaxing atmosphere. But it was to no avail. The parrot remained relentlessly crass, rude, and now, it had even begun talking back and mocking me with every action I took, calling me names. It was pushing my buttons. Finally, I was at my last straw, and I began screaming back, trading swear words and scathing insults with this ungrateful excuse of a pet. But in a sudden moment of clarity, I realized the ridiculousness of this situation and, immediately grabbing the bird by its neck, placed it in the freezer, with the intent of killing it once and for all. The parrot kicked and screamed for a good while before the kitchen grew eerily silent. I slowly opened the freezer to check on my victim, when the parrot flies out calmly, landing on the counter. The parrot looked up at me and said, "I truly apologize for my behavior. I realize now I may have been rude and insulting to you, and I will correct my attitude and my behavior from now on." I was shocked. Before I could even respond, the bird asked, "So what did the chicken do?"
Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.
Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!
Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..
Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Talk about bad timing...
My Old Teammate Ron.
So when I was in high school we had a standout basketball player (Ron) who was destined to be in the NBA in his life. As a sophomore, he was 6'7" 230, super athletic and was a star in any sport he played, but he loved basketball the most. One night he was out celebrating after a win and his buddy was driving drunk and wrecked. Ron wasn't wearing his seat belt and was thrown from the vehicle. He suffered a lot of serious injuries, but what was devastating was that they had to amputate his arms as they had nearly ripped off from rolling on the pavement. The whole community was so devastated because everyone had such high hopes for him and his future.
Ron was a determined kid though and he vowed to play basketball again.
After almost a year of PT and countless hours in his driveway with his dad practicing, he learned how to headbutt the ball into the basket, and utilize his long legs and strong torso to play defense. Needless to say, we all kinda chuckled (not in a mean way, we're not savages) when he said he was going to try out for the team again. His determined look told us he wasn't kidding, so we went to his tryout to see how he'd do. We were shocked to see the agility he had, and his precise "header shots" as he called them. He actually beat me 1 on 1 later that day in a pick up game. I wasn't a standout, but I could generally hold my own against similar competition. He had these really small stubs that he used to dribble and I have no clue how he pulled the rest off.
Anyways, we were playing in our final game of the year, if we won we'd go to states to compete and everyone was nervous. Ron was simply amazing that game. He put up over 30 points and had 12 assists but towards the end of the game we were only up by 1 point. There were only 7 seconds left on the clock and the opposing team was in-bounding the ball. Somehow the guy I was guarding ran around a screen and I tripped giving him a wide open lane to the basket. I felt sick. The ball immediately went to him and as he drove to the hoop we all see Ron flying across the court. As he pulls his arm up to lay the ball in, Ron dropkicks this kid right into the padding behind the hoop. It was one of the dirtiest plays I've ever seen. The kid goes flailing, the ball bounces awkwardly off the rim and his the ground and the time expires. The whole gymnasium was silent waiting to hear the ref's whistle and see the free throws that would surely tie or end the game, but only the subtle chatter of the refs could be heard followed by a quick whistle to signal the end of the game.
That's when he lost it. The other coach was vehemently screaming at the top of his lungs, flailing his arms, kicking chairs, making a mess, but the ref just looked at him and shook his head and uttered the phrase I'll always remember. The one that sealed our victory, "Sorry coach, No arm, no foul".
Heard this Russian joke somewhere, thought I'd share.
A group of Russians decided to hold a little contest among themselves. It had three stages:
**1.** Who can drink the most vodka?
**2.** Who can say the dirtiest word?
**3.** Who can punch the hardest?
Stage 1 was won by Vasya Ivanovich, who drank *all* the vodka.
Stage 2 was won by Pyotr Vasilyevich, who arrived late only to find out there's no more vodka.
Stage 3 was won, once again, by Pyotr Vasilyevich, when he was told that it was Vasya Ivanovich who drank all the vodka.
A man is driving down the road and sees a crashed car.
In this car he sees a dead driver completely covered in blood. He spots a trail of blood leading to a nearby forrest, so he decides to follow this trail to find out if anybody survived.
As he follows the trail, he finds a dead child in a creek covered in blood. Nearby he spots a woman with a rope around her neck hanging from the tree. As he approaches the tree, he sees a little girl crying nearby. He asks the girl: "what happened?"
"Well, daddy was driving on the road and he lost control of the car. There was a crash and my little brother was covered in daddy's blood, so my mum decided to wash him in the creek. Because she was crying, she accidentally drowned my little brother, and because she couldn't live with herself after this, she hung herself"
The man starts to unzip his pants and says " Well, it seems you are having a REALLY bad day"
EDIT: I heard this joke today from my colleague as "the dirtiest joke" he knows, and because just like my soul, my sense of humour is dark, I loved it. I hope it translates ok from my language
The dirtiest story ever told….
An erupting volcano rains gray ash upon a man covered in dark crude oil labouring in an oil field. He wipes black sludge from his eyes and glances up to see lava rolling down the mountainside toward him. Screaming profanities, the man falls to his knees in the mud and craps his pants.
What are the dirtiest jokes you know?
Mine are a series of yo mama jokes which get progressively dirtier.
Yo mama so ugly her vibrator went soft.
Yo mama so nasty she got fired from a sperm bank for drinking on the job.
Yo mama so nasty, I asked her what's for dinner so she spread her legs and said "crabs."