Cactus Jokes

Contents

Funniest Cactus Jokes

Funny Cactus Jokes

My family tree is a cactus Because everyone on it is a prick

Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.

Whats the difference between a Cactus and a School bus? A cactus has all the little pricks on the outside.

I dropped my cactus the other day Worst part is, I caught it

What's the difference between a school bus and a cactus? A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.

The FCC must be a cactus Because it's full of pricks

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge? The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

What's the Difference between a cactus, and a BMW? A cactus has the prick on the outside.

I dropped my cactus the other day The worst part is, I caught it

What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW? The cactus has a prick on the outside.

What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW A cactus has pricks on the outside

I think there's something wrong with the cactus I'm growing... But I can't put my finger on it.

Whats the difference between a school bus and a cactus? With a cactus the little pricks are on the outside.

What's the difference between a cactus and a schoolbus? Cactus has little pricks on the outside

Your family tree must be a cactus All your relatives are pricks

What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW? The cactus has pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW? With a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.

What's the difference between a Hummer and a cactus? A cactus has all the pricks on the outside.

Whats the difference between a cactus and my neighbours house? The cactus has pricks on the outside

Why didn't the cactus have friends? He was a bit of a prick.

My dad told me this one. Now, I'm not cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.

What’s the difference between a cactus and a BMW The BMW has the pricks on the inside

What's the difference between a cactus and The White House? A cactus has pricks on the outside...

Why did the cactus cross the road? It got stuck to the chicken.

What’s the difference between a Cactus and a BMW? The BMW has pricks on the inside

What did one cactus say to the other cactus ? "Lookin sharp !"

I met a cactus the other day Bit of a prick.

What's the difference between a BMW and a cactus? A Cactus has the pricks on the outside

I ate a cactus today... It had a ''Sharp taste!''

Bob the cactus is talking to his wife, Mandy. Mandy says: "You're so selfish. You have to remember that it's cact-US."

Bob responds: "Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I."

Did you hear about the cactus that went to the party? He spiked the drinks.

The cactus outside my home won't stop judging my sudden weight gain He's honestly such a prick about it.

Why did the Cactus cross the road? Cause it was stuck to the chicken’s butt.

If you give a cactus a quarter... It will gamble for a day. If you give a cactus a job, it will gamble its wife and kids away.

How is a cactus different from a Range Rover? The pricks are on the outside instead.

Scientists have genetically modified a Venus Fly Trap to have the skin of a cactus They say its bark is worse than its bite.

What does a cactus and the Kardashian family have in common? They're both full of pricks

What did the cactus wear with their suit? A cactie.

What does a cactus smell like when you get close? It smells like blood.

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New Cactus Jokes

What does a cactus say when greeting its friends? saguaro you doing?

What do you call a hypocritical cactus A prick

What do the kardashian family and a cactus have in common? They are both full of pricks.

A blind man walks into a bar ... and a wall, and a tree, and a cactus

Where did the cactus go for an abortion? Plant Parenthood

What do a cactus and an incel convention have in common? They both have a ton of pricks.

If Mexican restaurants have taught me anything it’s that people in Mexico only sleep with their back to a cactus while wearing a forward slanted sombrero.

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus They're pricks

What did the food critic call the cactus pie? A succulent meal.

What does a cactus and politics have in common? it's all pricks

Why did the cactus have no friends? Because he was a no-pal.

What did the cactus say to his wife? 'Aloe Vera!

What did one Northern cactus say to the other Northern cactus? 'Allo Vera

What do you call a gender confused cactus that relocates to another country? A trans plant.

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Long Cactus Jokes

Snail and Turtle

A snail and a turtle are lost in the desert and of course they are very thirsty. One day they see something shimmering far away. It takes them weeks to get to the spot but they find a full bottle of coke. Problem is how to open it.
First the snail tries with its little mouth but nothing happens. Then the turtle tries but again, no luck.
So the turtle suggest that one of them should go back to get a bottle opener while the other stays and looks after the bottle.
They take a while but in the end the turtle gives in and agrees to go.
"Under one condition", he warns, "that you don't try and open the bottle while I am away and drink it all on your own."
He makes the snail swear and the snail agrees.
So off he goes.
It takes weeks for him to just disappear from view. So the snail settles down and waits.
Weeks pass and then months. The snail calculates that the turtle may have reached home yet.
More weeks and more months pass and the snail calculates that he should be halfway back.
More month pass and the snail calculates that he should be back soon.
When the time comes that the turtle should be back, the snail gives him a few more weeks, just in case.
Two tears have passed and the snail thinks that maybe the turtle has forgotten about him or that maybe something happened to him and he will never come back, so with a big sigh he decides that he might as well try once more to open the bottle of coke by himself.
As his little mouth wraps around the lid and he starts chewing, he sees the turtle come out from behind a nearby cactus saying:
"Damn, I knew I couldn't trust you."

2 vultures are sitting on a cactus in the desert

There are 2 vultures who live in the desert and are very good friends. One day they see a man wandering the desert alone, and perceive that his car stalled and ran out of gas a mile back. This man, as it turns out is a clown, and wears a red nose and a colourful wig.

So these vultures start circling him (as vultures do) as they are quite sure he's a goner, nowhere close to civilization.
The next day, the clown is quite tired and starts to become exhausted. The vultures notice and are actually surprised that the clown is still alive.

On the third day, the clown lets out a final cry of defeat, faints, and dies. By this time the vultures are excited that they finally get a meal, and fly down to feast on the remains.

The vultures take one bite, and one recoils back in shock and says to the other vulture:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

Close Encounters

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I'd calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be a slight by the arrogant Earthling, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don't want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.”

“Rubbish,” replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can wrap his johnson around himself twice and then stick it in his ear.”

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