I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
Edit: Front page! Hi mom.
Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream...
Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."
Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.
Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?" Ernie responds "Sure Bert"
Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert
I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop
But I turned it down.
I don't like working on sundaes.
Why did little Suzy drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.
Hey Ernie, want some ice cream? Sherbert
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends
She said "Yes!"
I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck...
... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?"
She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."
Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street? She got hit by a Bus.
What is Donald Trump’s least favorite flavor of ice cream? Peach Mint.
I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..
Chuck Norris went to Mcdonalds and the ice cream machine was working.
Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.
What did the ice cream say to the birthday girl? Go head girl it's sherbert day
Wanna know how you can make an elephant float? One elephant, two scoops of ice cream.
Why did Susie drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.
An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...
He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"
Where does one learn to make ice cream? Sundae school!
What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor? Peach Mint.
There is an ice cream called batman Just ice was served
What caused the ice cream truck to break down? a rocky road
Why did the boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a truck
Bert: "Hey Ernie, would you like to go get some ice cream?" Ernie: "Sherbert."
Bert asked Ernie if he wants ice cream "Sure, Bert"
What is a slow moving ice cream truck called? A sundae driver.
Guy walks into an ice cream shop And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”
My friend fell into the gelatto machine. Ice creamed in terror.
What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted some ice cream?
(I can't take credit for this amazing piece of comedy. Heard it from a friend, no idea if he came up with it or not.)
What did Ernie say when his friend tried to convince him he was ice cream? Are you surebert?
Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the gelato machine She's a sore bae now.
A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance. He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".
Bert asks Ernie if he wanted to go out for ice cream. Sherbert
I have the body of a 22-year-old model He's in my freezer, and now I have no room for my ice cream.
Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream? He forgot to look both ways before crossing the street
I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck. It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.
Why was the Ice cream crying? Because his mother had been a wafer so long.
An eskimo brought his car to a mechanic.
Mechanic says, "you blew a seal"
Eskimo wipes his face, "no, I just had some ice cream".
What’s the difference between vanilla and French vanilla ice cream? Cowardice.
There's an ice cream flavor made from auto parts Traffic on the Road
Bert asked his friend if he wanted ice cream and wants to know his favorite flavor. He said Sherbert.
The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour since hearing the president of the United States could get removed. They call it the Impeached Orange.
This year for Halloween I am dressing up as the guy selling Mexican ice cream from a cart. Then I am going to ask every woman at the bar I see if she wants to blow this popsicle stand.
When a vsco girl gets an ice cream job And I scoop
How to make a baby float?
Two scoops vanilla ice cream
One scoop dead baby
What starts out hard but gets soft after it comes? Ice cream you pervert
I tried to load an ASCII picture of ice cream on my ancient computer
and I succeeded! I got a nice picture of Haagen-DOS
What is the favorite ice cream of a Nigerian prince? Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food
A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully,
slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.
He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.
“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.
“No,” he answered.
Can you remember the name of that drink, where you pour espresso over ice cream? Affogato.
To abandon an ice cream sundae in Death Valley is to Desert your dessert in a desert.
You guys hear about that badass wrestler that loves ice cream? They call him Coldstone Steve Austin.
How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby
Your family is so poor... That your daddy is the D.J. for the ice cream truck.
What happened to the ice cream cone that got ran over by a lawn mower? it was a la mowed
I recently got a loan so I could start my own ice cream business... I'm going to have a rocky road ahead of me.
This flood is devastating. Everything in my kitchen ended up sinking with the exception of a carton of ice cream and some root beer. They stayed afloat.
How does a Call of Duty player like their ice cream? With a 360 no scoop.
What kind of ice cream do drunk drivers like? Soft swerve!
I asked my Dad for Ice Cream before he left to the store. I ended up getting a rocky road. He never came back.
A man just assaulted me with milk, butter and ice cream. How dairy!
What do you get when you eat a gallon of ice cream? Breyers remorse.
My local ice cream man was found dead this morning.
He was covered in nuts, sprinkles and raspberry sauce.
Apparently he topped himself.
What happened to the convict on death row who ordered only an ice cream sunday as his last meal? He got his just desserts
My friend and I were talking on the phone the other day and she was complaining about her period
Her: MY UTERUS HURTS
Me: WTF Why?
Her: CAUSE OF MY PERIOD
Her: I WANT ICE CREAM
Me: so go get some
Her: I'M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GET UP
Me: man, what a vicious cycle
Why did jimmy drop his ice cream? Because he was hit by a bus
A plane carrying Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, and Bashar Asaad crashes in the desert. Let's go get ice cream.
What does an English teacher eat for breakfast?
My wife was so proud of herself for thinking this up while eating cinnamon roll ice cream yesterday.
Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a bus.
What do you call a terrorist with a scoop of vanilla ice cream? Allah mode.
Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they’d run out This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.
Why did the boy drop his ice cream Because he got hit by a bus
I recently found an ice cream man dead, covered in sprinkles, chocolate chips and strawberry sauce. He topped himself.
How do you make a pig float? One cup pig, two scoops ice cream.
How is playing an online FPS like eating rocky road ice cream? Because at first you're chillin with chocolate and marshmallows and then BAM - nuts in your mouth.
Do you prefer big spoon or little spoon? I prefer big spoon so I can get more ice cream per scoop as I cry to myself alone.
I was Ordering Ice Cream I was ordering ice cream today and I asked for 2 spoons. "Expecting someone else?" asked the girl behind the counter. "No, I need one for both hands."
Why did the 5 year old drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus.
Just got out of a relationship with ice cream It was a rocky road.
The Best Way To Teach Your Kids About Taxes... Is By Eating 30% Of Their Ice cream
I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream... Sundae School.
Things that have occurred in history since the Chicago Cubs last won a World Series... I had an ice cream cone. That I dripped all over myself.
"I'd like two scoops of ice cream, please."
"Chocolate or vanilla?"
"Yes, Sir, ice cream man, Sir!"
A couple of camels are walking in the dessert... And I was like: hey get out of my ice cream cake, you camels.
What's the difference between Americans and ice cream? Ice cream fits in a tub.
How do you make a dead dog shake? 2 scoops ice cream, 1 scoop dead dog.
I go through condoms like a fat man goes through ice cream! I probably shouldn't have bought the ice cream flavored ones.