Ice Cream Jokes

Contents

Funniest Ice Cream Jokes

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream? Everyone I ask can't remember either.

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Funny Ice Cream Jokes

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald’s ice cream machine

How do you make a human corpse float? Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

Got an ice cream for my girlfriend Best trade i ever made.

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Fuck you, Chelsey.

I just explained Google to my Granny. "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

How do you make a dead baby float? * 1 scoop Dead Baby
* 2 scoops Ice Cream

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all... What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

What's the difference between a cold dessert and an injured girlfriend? One is ice cream and the other is a sore bae.

Did you hear about the day when Hagrid took Harry, mashed him up, put him in a blender with ice cream and drank him? Yer a Blizzard, Harry.

Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?" Ernie responds "Sure Bert"

How do you make an elephant float? A can of coke, a scoop of vanilla ice cream, and an elephant.

Say, Ernie, want some Ice Cream? Sherbert

I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop But I turned it down.

I don't like working on sundaes.

Why did little Suzy drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.

Hey Ernie, want some ice cream? Sherbert

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends She said "Yes!"
I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

So a woman is chasing down an ice cream truck... ... And the ice cream man stops and says, "What can I get for you, Ma'am?"

She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street? She got hit by a Bus.

What is Donald Trump’s least favorite flavor of ice cream? Peach Mint.

I work at Ben & Jerry's, often late at night, but never get robbed. Because ice cream.

I bought a CD of ice cream van music. Now I drive with the stereo on full blast, watching the disappointment on all the little kids faces..

Chuck Norris went to Mcdonalds and the ice cream machine was working.

A old man walks into a McDonalds He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

Why did Timmy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a bus.

The ice cream parlor asks for my order Parlor: "Hello Sir, can I take your order?"

Me: "Yes, I'd like a male hot fudge sundae please."

Parlor: "I'm sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?"

Me: "Yes, with nuts".

Ted Bundy: Hey Jeff, got any ice cream in the freezer? Jeffrey Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

What did the ice cream say to the birthday girl? Go head girl it's sherbert day

Wanna know how you can make an elephant float? One elephant, two scoops of ice cream.

How do you make an elephant float? Take one elephant, two tons of ice cream, and one ton of soda. Blend.

Bert and Ernie Bert asked Ernie if he would like any ice cream.
Ernie replied
"Sure Bert"

Where does one learn to make ice cream? Sundae school!

Bert and Ernie are at the beach on a hot summer's afternoon... Bert pulls out his cooler and opens it up.

"Do you want some ice cream, Ernie?"

"Sure Bert."

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor... He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"

Why did Susie drop her ice cream? Because she was hit by a bus.

New Ice Cream Jokes

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake... Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

I go for a run 3 days a week! I do wish the ice cream truck went down my street more often though.

An old man walked into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself gently, painfully, up onto a stool…

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

Ted Bundy: Hey, you got any ice cream in the freezer ? Jeffery Dahmer: Nah man, only Ben and Jerry

An ice cream man has been found dead covered in hundreds and thousands... The police think he topped himself.

What do you call a street full of potholes and ice cream? Rocky Road

Whenever my Muslim roommate goes to pray, I sit next to him with some apple pie and ice cream. Then both of us are in A La mode.

Of revenge is sweet, and revenge is a dish best served cold... Is revenge ice cream?

“ Hay Ernie would you like some ice cream?” “Sure Burt”

Ted Bundy asks Jeffrey Dahmer you got any ice cream in the freezer? Nah, just Ben and Jerry Jeffrey replies.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States They call it the Im-peached orange.

A penguin took his car to the mechanic. The penguin left to get some ice cream and returned a few minutes later.

"It looks like you blew a seal" said the mechanic.

"Gross, its just ice cream" replied the penguin.

What's Trump's least favorite ice cream flavor? Peach Mint.

Why couldn’t the colourblind man sell ice cream? His cones don’t work

Why was the Ice cream crying? Because his mother had been a wafer so long.

[A cinema ticket office attendant told me this] Q. How does Reese eat ice cream? A. Witherspoon

I used to drive an ice cream truck Until I got arrested for theft

What do you call a dispute between ice cream about their kids? A custardy battle

What do you call jalapeño flavored ice cream? Spice cream.

What starts out hard but gets soft after it comes? Ice cream you pervert

Bert: "Hey Ernie, would you like to go get some ice cream?" Ernie: "Sherbert."

What do you call good ice cream Legend-dairy

Hey Ernie, you want some ice cream? Sure Bert!

My favorite ice cream flavor is Death By Chocolate... Because it satisfies two cravings at once

I am broken when my name is spoken. The McDonald’s ice cream machine.

How do you make the ice cream more expensive? Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.

I got a good price on frozen treats at my local grocery store So you can bet I’ll be eating Aldi ice cream

Why did the boy drop his ice cream? He got hit by a truck

I tried to load an ASCII picture of ice cream on my ancient computer and I succeeded! I got a nice picture of Haagen-DOS

_
,' `,.
>-.(__)
(_,-' |
`. |
`.|
`

​

Where do you learn how to make ice cream? Sunday school.

What caused the ice cream truck to break down? a rocky road

To me, a McFlurry is a rare treat. Not because I never go to McDonald’s, but because their ice cream machine never works.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself cautiously, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Guy walks into an ice cream shop And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says “Careful son, you’re heading down a rocky road.”

If life were an ice cream flavour It’d be rocky road.

The ice cream man was found dead inside his van. Covered in Hundreds & Thousands, Sprinkles, Chocolate drops and a Flake. Police believe he may of topped himself.

Hey Ernie, would you like some ice cream? Sherbert.

Why did the Jew sound-proof his house? So his kids can’t hear the ice cream truck.

An old man shuffled really slowly into an ice cream shop and said, “Can I have a banana split?” Server: Sure. Crushed nuts?

Old man: No, Arthritis.

What is a slow moving ice cream truck called? A sundae driver.

Long Ice Cream Jokes

My girlfriend told me this joke ten years ago. We've been married nine years today.

A penguin is driving to the mall when all of a sudden his engine starts running really rough, and smoke is coming from under the hood. Luckily, there's an auto repair shop right next to the mall, so he pulls in there. The mechanic says he'll be glad to take a look, but he won't be able to get to it for a couple hours. The penguin says fine, and walks across the street to the mall.

He kills time walking around the mall, does some window shopping, buys an ice cream cone, etc. Finally the two hours are up and he goes back to the mechanic.

The penguin says, "Have you had time to look at my engine?"

The mechanic says, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin says, "No, that's just ice cream."

A penguin broke down in Las Vegas.

A penguin was driving through Vegas when suddenly his car stopped working so he had it towed to the nearest mechanic.

When he got there the mechanic told him it could take an hour or two to find out what is wrong with his car. The penguin was getting hot so he asked the mechanic where he could cool down.

The mechanic reply "there is an ice cream parlor a few blocks up the street" so the penguin thanked him and waddled up to the parlor. When he got there he ordered the biggest cup of vanilla ice cream they had.

After awhile of enjoying his ice cream he started to head back to the mechanic. When he got back the mechanic said
"Hey it looks like you blew a seal" then the penguin shouted "No no! It's just vanilla ice cream!"

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona...

...and sees that the car's oil-pressure light is on.He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."

You will forget.

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.


After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.


Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"


He replies, "To the kitchen."


She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"


He replies, "Sure."


She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"


He says, "No, I can remember that."


She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."


He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."


She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."


With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.


After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.


She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

An engineer dies and goes to heaven...

The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.

About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says "NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He's got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine." God is pissed and yelling says "I'll sue". Lucifer says "ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?"

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on.

He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Dumbest kid in the world.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”


The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A teacher asks her class...

A teacher asks her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a wall and you shoot one of them how many are left?" She calls on little johnny "none they all fly away at the first gunshot" the teacher replies "the correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking" then little johnny replies "now I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately liking the sides of a triple scoop ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting of the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "well I guess the one that is gobbling down top and sucking the cone" "the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking"

My autistic cousin came to visit

When I was young, my autistic 10 year old cousin would constatly visit us, and I hated him because he was a brat. However, since his parents were extremely protective and thought of him as a little prince, they wanted to make me give him my "Up" DVD, because he really likes it.

When they left, I immediately told him I was not going to give him the DVD, but him being the autist he is, he starts bothering me about it every couple of seconds, but luckily, quiets down before dinner.

He asked for it once more while we were having lunch, and when I responded negatively again, he took his plate and ran into my treehouse. His parents make me go check on him.

Little did he know, you were able to remove the treehouse ladder, and since I was 12 at the time, I removed them and went to go get icecream in the house. I'm forced to ask him if he wants some, but when I leave the house, he's there and he thinks he's controlling me because I came to see him twice already, so he tells me to run around like a chicken. I tell him about the ice cream and how he isn't getting any, and he starts crying and screaming at me to let him get back down. I tell him: "Never gonna give you "Up", never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and dessert you."

A barber is talking to one of his customers.

“See that kid?” he says as he points to a twelve-year-old standing outside the barbershop. “He is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch. I’ll prove it to you.”

The barber takes out a one-dollar bill and a five-dollar bill, and then calls the boy inside. He holds out both bills, and asks, “Which one do you want, son?”

The kid takes the one-dollar bill and leaves the shop.

“See?” laughs the barber. “The dumbest kid in the world.”

A few minutes after the customer leaves the barbershop, he happens to see the boy coming out of an ice cream store. He goes over and asks, “If you don’t mind my asking, son, why didn’t you take the five-dollar bill?”

The boy takes a lick of his ice cream cone and replies, “Because the day I choose the five-dollar bill, the game’s over.”

A penguin has some car trouble...

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A young boy and a barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A young boy enters a barber shop.

The barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.


“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”


Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.


“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”


The boy licked his cone and replied:


“Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!”

The four seasons were arguing about which of them was the best…

Winter boasts, "Well, you can build snowmen and the snow is so beautiful. And Christmas!! Everyone loves Christmas!"

Spring laughs, "Well sure, but come springtime, everything is so fresh and new! All the new flowers, it can't get much better than that!"

Summer rays, "Yes, but I am undoubtably the overall best season! Girls in bikinis, ice cream, nice weather. You can't top that. What about you autumn, what do you have to offer?"

Autumn ~ *-leaves-*

My favourite penguin joke

A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

A teacher asks her class

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking.

A little Johnny...

One day in math class little Johnny's teacher asked him to look out the window, where three birds were sitting on a fence. She then asks "Johnny, if I shoot one of those birds how many are left?" Johnny replies "None, they would all have flown away when they heard the gun shot." The teacher smiles and says "The correct answer was two, but I like the way you think."

Johnny looks at the teacher and says "I have a question for you." "There are three women in an ice cream shop and they all have an ice cream cone, one is licking it, one is biting it, and one is sucking it, which one is married?" The teach thinks about it a bit and says "The one sucking it." Johnny looks at her and say "The right answer was the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1

Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left?

Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun.

Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think.

Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married?

Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.”

Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.

A penguin goes on vacation...

He is sick of the cold, antarctic weather, so after some basic research, he decides he wants to go to the warm paradise of Texas.
The first day he arrives, he rents a convertible. He drives it up and down the highway, loving the warm air and hot sun. He blasts the heat, drinks hot coffee, and sweats like he has never sweat before.

But then, in the middle of nowhere, his car breaks down. He has it towed to the nearest small town, and brings it to a mechanic.

The mechanic says, "We're a little busy. It'll be about an hour before I can look at your car."

"No problem," the penguin responds, "I'll be back in an hour."

He heads back out into the heat, and wanders the small town. At this point, he is starting to get a little homesick. Just then, he sees a little ice cream stand. He thinks, what a perfect way to cool down and feel better.

He orders a giant vanilla ice cream. Bigger than a basketball, on top of a little tiny cone. He loves it. He licks it and slurps it, eating as much as he can as fast as he can (everyone knows penguins don't get ice cream headaches...). His little penguin tuxedo is covered in it. His hands are sticky with it. He gets lost in a vanilla paradise.

He is so immersed in this cone, that he loses track of time. Walking down the road, he passes a bank, flashing the current time, and he realizes he has been wandering for over two hours. He quickly runs back to the shop, discarding the rest of his frozen treat.

Barging into the mechanic's shop, struggling to catch his breath, the little penguin says, "I'm so sorry I'm late. I lost track of time. Have you figured out what's wrong with my car?"

The mechanic responds, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No!" the penguin says, "It's ice cream, I swear!"

Edit: fixed the wall of text, hopefully.

A teacher is working on word problems with her students

A teacher is working on word problems with her students and asks, "if there are 3 birds on a fence and you shoot one, how many are left?" A boy raises his hand and says, "zero. Because if you shoot one the other two fly away" The teacher responds, "no, there's two left but that's creative and I like the way you think." After that the boy says "ok, three women are sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is biting it, one is licking it, and one is sucking it. Which woman is married?" The teacher says, "well I guess the one sucking it." The boy replies, "no, it's the one wearing a wedding ring but I like the way you think."