Wedding Jokes

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Funniest Wedding Jokes

I watched the video of my wedding backwards. I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Funny Wedding Jokes

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name

My friend wanted to feel like a princess on her wedding day So we made her marry a man she never met in order to secure a French alliance.

What food makes women stop giving blow jobs? Wedding cake

What did Kate Middleton find out on her wedding night? That not all rulers are twelve inches long

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time

At a wedding reception, the best man said, 'would all the married men please stand next to the person that made their lives worth living.' The poor bartender was crushed to death.

What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.

What's the difference between a Syrian wedding and an ISIS training camp? I don't know man, I just fly the drone.

Wife: "You need to watch A Series of Unfortunate Events" Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"

What is the difference between a Pakistani Wedding and a Taliban training camp? I don't know, I just fly the drone.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? One fewer drunk person.

Edit: Fewer, not less

Tinder is for rookies Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? There‘s one less drunk.

Euro 2016 Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.

If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...

... It's at St. Nicholas' Church, Brighton and she's called Jane.

What's the difference between a Pakistani wedding party and an Al-Qaeda training camp? Dunno, I just fly the drone.

I played my wedding video backwards today. It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

I recently watched my wedding video backwards. I love the part where I take the ring off her finger, leave the church and go drinking with my friends.

A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!" The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"

Husband: our wedding video

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drinker

At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled: "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living"

The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

Hi, how much for this torture device? Sir, that's a wedding ring.

Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring

Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron? So the wedding would be free of charge

Every marriage has 3 rings. First is the engagement ring. Second, the wedding ring. Then comes the suffering.

How do you remember your wedding anniversary? Forget it once.

My wife was giving a speech at her parents’ wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it. Now I’ll never hear the end of it.

I was taught there are 3 rings in life. The engagement ring. The wedding ring. And the suffering.

In marriage there are 3 types of rings The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

Two antenna met on a roof... fell in love and got married. The wedding wasn't much but the reception was *excellent*.

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%? Wedding c‌‌ake.

A man watches TV Α man watches TV and start shouting :

Dont go, Dont do it...Dont do it...NOOOOOOO

His wife comes in and says : What are you watching there ?

And the man says : I was just watching our wedding on DVD

My wife is so sweet Every time she goes to a bar alone she gives me her wedding ring so I can think about her all night long.

What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A new last name.

What kind of dessert makes women gain the most weight? Wedding Cake.

At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said " all the married men please stand next to the person who made your life worth living" The bartender was damn near crushed to death!

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New Wedding Jokes

Why do brides cry at the wedding ? Because they never marry the best man !

Two little boys are at a wedding when one leans over to other and asks: "How many wives are we allowed to have?"

His friend answered "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer and four poorer!"

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful". ...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

I have this crush on a girl at work, so I got her address She seemed a little creeped out when she saw it was a wedding dress though.

Two antennas got married The wedding was ok, but the reception was amazing.

What happened at the cannibal’s wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom...

My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!

Emotional wedding The cake was in tiers )’:

I saw my wife slightly drunk, yelling at the TV :”Don’t go in the church, you moron” She’s watching our wedding video again

The midget wedding I was at went really fast It was just a really short reception I guess

I started reading 'Lord of Rings' for the new year. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained his youth, energy, and joy in life... Turns out the one ring, is a wedding ring

Want to hear a wedding joke? I do.

A man screams at his TV, "No, you idiot! Don't walk into the chapel!" "Horror movie?" his wife asks from the kitchen.

"No," he replies, "Our wedding video."

What's the difference between and Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral? One less drunk...

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married? The wedding sucked but the reception was amazing!!!

I wore an antennae to my sister’s wedding the other day The reception was much better

I just got a pair of the worlds smallest handcuffs! Wedding rings sure are expensive.

What's the difference between a irish wedding and an irish funeral? One person isn't drinking.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married... The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

Q: What is the difference between Russian wedding and Russian funeral? A: There is one sober person in a Russian funeral.

You know what the 3 rings of marriage are? The engagement ring.
The wedding ring.
And the suffering.

Instead of using Tinder or Bumble, go on Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses for sale. You will receive a list of recently divorced women in your immediate area, for free. Plus you can filter by size.

I got to be the DJ at my uncle's wedding Apparently, having "I Love Little Girls" by Oingo Boingo play ruined the mood for everybody.

What does the date on the wedding ring mean? - Best before.

(My first post)

During my wedding speech, I told everyone who is married to stand next to the one person that has made their life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled to death.

What did the millennial get on his wedding day? A participation trophy wife.

What's the most expensive food in the world? Wedding cake.

If a wedding goes off without a hitch, did anyone get married? It's my cake day!

I went to a wedding and they played "The Twist" so I did the Twist, then they played "Macerena" so I did the Macerena then they played "Come On Eileen" So I was told to leave.

A recent wedding I attended was very emotional... Even the cake was in tiers.

I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels? "

I lost a drinking buddy to a tragic accident, He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.

On my wedding day, My dad sat me down and had "the talk" with me. Dad: Son, you will have to make a choice now. You can be right, or you can be happy. But you cannot be both.

I think for a moment

Me: but ever since I can remember, you are always wrong.

Dad: exactly.

My father always told me that I could get married once I left school. I didn't get the reasoning, but I scheduled my wedding for 3pm just to be sure.

While digging a hole in my garden, i found my lost wedding ring.. I rushed in to tell my wife, but remembered why i was digging the hole in the first place.

I attended my first cannibal wedding the other day Favorite part was when the best man roasted the groom. It was savage.

What’s the difference between an Islamic wedding and an ISIS training ground? I don’t know, I just fly the drone.

Went to ask my girlfriends father for permission to marry He said: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"

I replied: "Hi leaving I'm John!"

The wedding is next month

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night? So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

How Many Wives? Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, "How many wives can a man have?"
His friend answered, "Sixteen... four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer."

Two satellites get married The wedding was alright, but the reception was amazing!

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Long Wedding Jokes

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the alter the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expensive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the preist is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"

"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my alter ego".

No one believes seniors...

No one believes seniors… Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved ‘I love you, Sally’.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "Let’s get out of here."

Royal Wedding

On the day of the Royal wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all
of her family. She suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic!

Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet was hurting real bad.

When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.

The rest of the Family crowded around the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.'

'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'

Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the
other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said.
'My God. That was even tighter.'

'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'

Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old

Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding
she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the
entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
expected knock on the door.

Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85
year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and
it's Roger,

Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents
for more coupling.

When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond
good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is
back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for more 'action'.

And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was
here already?'

40 years ago today I married my wife

My whole side of the wedding flew over to her home town of Moscow. It was a beautiful ceremony, however i did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "you may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.

Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people where waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.

As we passed, they all said in unison, "you may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned. As we walked away I asked, "why did they tell us to kiss and not the priest?"

My wife answered,

"In soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

A sweet and innocent young Italian girl gets married, but the girl’s mother lives downstairs.

The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

“Momma, Momma,” she cries. “I can’t believe it! He has hair all over his chest! What should I do?”

The mother is making spaghetti sauce. She stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says, “Hair on his chest? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother:
“Momma, Momma! He has hair all over his legs! What should I do?”

The mother stirs the sauce thoughtfully and says: “Hair on his legs? He’s your husband, it’s your wedding night, go upstairs.”

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs:

“Momma, Momma! He’s got a foot and a half! What should I do?”

The mother hands her daughter the spoon and says:

“A foot and a half? Here, you stir the sauce. I’ll go upstairs.”

I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kept telling me how great it would be. Husband #2 was a Salesman, never tried it but told others how great it is. Husband #3 was an Engineer, he understood the process but wanted a few years to study possible methods of implementing the process. Husband #4 was in Management, he thought he knew how, was told by others how to do it, was tutored, and even seen video clips on how, but was never able to deliver. Husband #5 was a Mama's boy, she would not let him do it. Husband #6 was a Psychologist, all he did was talk about it. Husband #7 was a Gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it. Husband #8 was a stamp collector, all he wanted to do is lick it... GOD I miss him! But now that I married you, I am really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but why?"

"Because," said the new bride. "You're a Lawyer, I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Grade 4 immediately. The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard & then comes out soft & sticky?

The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

The principal was looking restless.

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: OH MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you have to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: Ohooo!

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the Madam, "Send this bloody boy to the university. I myself got all the answers wrong!"

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed."

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he just kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was lick the stamps. God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

"There are three crows sitting on a branch,

you shoot one, how many are left?" The teacher asks little Jack.
"None Mrs. Parker, because the others would've flown away after hearing the gunshot."
"The correct answer is two little Jack, but I like the way you think."
"Well Mrs. parker, I have a question for you too. There are three ladies sitting on a bench eating a lollipop. The first one licks the lollipop, the second one sucks on it, and the third one bites it. Which one of them is married?
The teacher starts blushing and answers: "The one that's sucking on it."
"The correct answer is the one wearing a wedding ring, but I like the way you think."

An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

First Experience after marriage

A Delhi mother was lucky enough to see her 3 daughters get married the same year, so she called them after the wedding and told them

“Dont forget to text me your first night experience and text it in code”

So……. after a week, the 1st daughter texted

“NESCAFE”

and the next week the 2nd daughter text

“WILLS”

the mother being an intelligent woman went to get a Nescafe tin and read the label

“fantastic till the last drop”

went to her husband’s pack of WILLS cigarette and read
“Extra long, king size”

she smiled and said “not bad for their ages”.

After the next week, the 3rd daughter texted

“Indigo Delhi Hyderabad”,

the mother then called Indigo airways helpdesk to enquire about their Delhi Hyderabad flight and they replied

“it’s 5times daily, 7days a week, both ways and the flight duration is 75mins”.

Mother fainted

A teacher asks her class...

A teacher asks her class "if there are 5 birds sitting on a wall and you shoot one of them how many are left?" She calls on little johnny "none they all fly away at the first gunshot" the teacher replies "the correct answer is 4 but I like your thinking" then little johnny replies "now I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench eating ice cream. One is delicately liking the sides of a triple scoop ice cream, the second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone and the third is biting of the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher blushes and replies "well I guess the one that is gobbling down top and sucking the cone" "the correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking"

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!"

0 to 200 in 6 seconds

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

[long] a female class teacher was having problems with a kid in her class

A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her class in Primary 3.
The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Primary 4.
I am smarter than my sister and she's in Primary 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal.
The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Primary 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

Principal: 5x9.

Boy: 45.

The boy got all the questions right.
The principal told the Madam to send the boy to Primary 4 immediately.
The Madam decided to ask her own questions and the principal agreed.

Madam: What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2?

Boy: Legs.

Madam: What is in your trousers that I don't have?

Boy: Pockets.

Madam: What starts wit a C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?

Boy: Coconut.

Madam: What goes in hard and then comes out soft and sticky?

*The principal's eyes opened really wide, but before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge*

Boy: Bubble gum.

Madam: You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up, I get wet before you do.

Boy: Tent.

*The principal was looking restless*

Madam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored. The best man always has me first?.

Boy: Wedding ring.

Madam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I Drip. When you blow me, you feel good?

Boy: Nose.

Madam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates, I come with a quiver.

Boy: Arrow.

Principal: O MY GOD.

Madam: What starts with 'F' and ends wit a 'K' and if you don't get it, you've to use your hand?

Boy: Fork.

Madam: What is it that all men have, it's longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?

Boy: Surname.

Principal: damnit!!.

Madam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles with a lot of veins like pumpkin and is responsible for making love?

Boy: Heart.

Principal: Eeeeeh!!.. The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher ,

"Send this BLOODY kid to the university...
Even I myself got all the answers wrong!"

An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...

Vet Friend of mine just sent this:

Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'

Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'

White wedding dresses

Two old men were sitting in a restaurant having a cup of coffee when one of them looks at the other and asks, “Why are wedding dresses always white?” The other man thinks for a moment and says, “Well, you know, I think it means the bride’s love is pure.”

The first old man does not seem convinced so when another old friend sits down, the man poses the same question to him, “Say, do you know why wedding dresses are white?” “I’m not sure,” the newcomer responds, “but back in the day didn’t all household appliances come in white?”

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