Drunk Jokes

Contents

Funniest Drunk Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Score: 19929

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."

Score: 17904

A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.

Score: 17795

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Score: 5747

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654
Funny Drunk Jokes
Score: 2509

10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

Score: 2301

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

"No," slurs the mathematician...

“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Score: 1928

Getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

Score: 1828

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

Score: 1740

I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

Score: 1738

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Score: 1562

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool"

Score: 1190

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Score: 948

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends? Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Score: 745

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

Score: 698

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Score: 573

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Score: 560

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up

Score: 471

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?" I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Score: 423

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? One fewer drunk person.

Edit: Fewer, not less

Score: 403

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

Score: 369

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

Score: 364

My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Score: 364

10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

Score: 336

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punchline...

Score: 329

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

Score: 328

What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? There‘s one less drunk.

Score: 323

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

Score: 131

What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird.

Score: 96

I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

Score: 56

How do you get a plant drunk? Give it root beer

Score: 34

What do you get when you get a bunch of white supremacists drunk? Racial slurs.

Score: 31

What is the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver passes a stop sign, the stoner waits for it to turn green.

Score: 15

What is a drunk Mexican’s favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird

Score: 15

what does Harper Lee write when she's drunk? Tequila Mockingbird

Score: 11

What do you call a drunk anime fan in the desert? A tumbleweeb.

Score: 11

I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.

Score: 10

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New Drunk Jokes

Two whales are sitting and drinking together at a bar. The first whale says "Eeeeoooooaaaaaaaeeeeeeuuuuuooooooaaaaaauuuuueeeeee" The second whale says



"Dave, go home. You're drunk."

Score: 3

A drunk German is urinating on a bush. An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, “Gross!” The German says, “Danke."

Score: 0

Why aren't people getting drunk at Eminem's new cocktail bar? You only get one shot.

Score: 0

This must be a confusing time for traffic cops Every driver and their car smells like alcohol but nobody's drunk.

Score: 0

What did Hitler say after being drunk for three days strait? I said GLASS of JUICE!!! Not GAS the JEWS!!!

Score: 1

I got drunk last night and hit a pole with my truck He was a little blitzed about it

Score: 0

My dad would be great on "Drunk History" Every night he drinks a bottle of Jim Beam and talks about the Vietnam War.

Score: 4

Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.

Score: 6

England's greatest spy goes undercover as a standup comedian but gets heavily drunk before the show. As he fumbles up to the stage the audience starts booing, and he starts: "I'm Bombed. James Bombed."

Score: 2

Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.

Score: 1

4:44 looks like a kid and it's parents sailing.. Guess it depends on AM or PM, and if you're drunk or not

Score: 1

I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”

Score: 9

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Score: 9

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

Score: 0

The worst joke I’ve ever come up with when drunk. I identify as pansexual.

I like shipping her with Trunks.

Score: 4

Did you hear that Moonstruck actress got drunk and sold all her fruit stocks? Cher's sherry shared Cher's cherry shares.

Score: 2

Who’s drunk, Irish, and is always at your house? Paddy O’Furniture

Score: 2

I think my yoga instructor was drunk today He put me in a very awkward position

Score: 6

I hate Jewish jokes. My grandfather died in the holocaust... He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower.

Score: 1

-Bah! I wasn't that drunk yesterday... \- Come on Dad, you threw my hamster out of the window and shouted: Pikachu! I Choose You!

Score: 3

??????? What do you call a drunk grape? A cannibal.

Score: 0

Be careful shopping while drunk. It can lead to waking up next to one nightstand.

Score: 2

I was put in an awkward position today my yoga instructor was drunk

Score: 0

I was put in an awkward position today Apparently my yoga instructor was really drunk

Score: 1

Wednesday my girlfriend and I got way too drunk and got into it. I didn't mind but she was pretty upset when she remembered It was her cousin.

Score: 2

What do Jews and guns both have in common? They always go to temple.

(My friends drunk joke, we're both Jews so don't hate)

Score: 2

I came home late and very drunk the other night to find my wife in bed with another man! I was furious and started breaking whatever I could get my hands on...by the time the cops showed up I had managed to trash half my neighbors house.

Score: 2

I met The Godfather of the Irish mafia once.... ...he was too drunk to make me an offer.

Score: 2

I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver

Score: 3

What is it called when drunk Scottish people fight? Mortaled Kombat...

Score: 1

Don't go shopping for bedroom furniture drunk ...you might end up with only one nightstand.

Score: 2

Apparently I need to listen more in church. Turns out the preacher wasn’t talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the Holy Spirit.

Score: 1

Did you know Kevin Spacey was a composer? His most famous song is titled *Drunk Mistake* in A minor.

Score: 6

How much vodka does it take to get john lenon drunk? 4 shots

Score: 1

You hear Harper Lee wrote a novel while drunk? Tequila Mockingbird

Score: 2

A drunk driver will run a stop sign. A stoner will wait for it to turn green.

Score: 5

So a husband and wife go out to dinner And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.

Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago

Husband: And he's still celebrating

Score: 5

Asked my wife what she wanted to get for mothers day. She said, "Drunk."

Score: 4

I would rather be called a drunk than an alcoholic. Because alcoholics have to go to all those meetings.

Score: 1

A drunk will blow through the stop sign! A stoner will wait for the stop sign to turn green.

Score: 2

A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks... The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"

Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...

Score: 5

I got drunk playing Scrabble and somehow swallowed 8 tiles My next vowel movement could spell disaster.

Score: 1

What book is better when you read it drunk? Tequila Mockingbird.

Score: 1

What do you call it when Harrison Ford gets heatburn? Indy-gestion



I'm sorry I'm a little drunk

Score: 0

What's tasteless and usually drunk at breakfast? Lindsay Lohan.

Score: 4

An immigration officer asks a drunk man if he's Hungarian he says "yep, but my name's not Arian"

Score: 4

What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Score: 7

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

Score: 2

You are riding a unicorn chasing a rainbow tiger and there is a flying lion behind you. What do you do? Get off the carousal, you're drunk.

Score: 2

3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.

Score: 8

Know what goes by really fast? A drunk sorority girl.

Score: 1

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