What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."
A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"
The German says, "Danke!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.
...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid
It was my mom, then my sister, then me
I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
Cop pulls over bad driver
Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?" I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
One fewer drunk person.
Edit: Fewer, not less
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
Drunk driving or...?
A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
-I've had 8 drinks, officer.
-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punchline...
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? There‘s one less drunk.
I got so drunk last night I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
I told my boyfriend that he better start treating me like a princess So he flew me to Paris, got me drunk, and drove me into a tunnel pillar at 105 km/h.
What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe
What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored? Beats me
Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."
A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...
He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.
"Drunk again?!" she asks.
He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."
Whats the difference between an Irish wedding, and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk.
What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird.
I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”
Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.
Thor and Loki enter a bar. Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.
A man was having a heart attack at a bar When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck... ...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"
I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread
I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?
What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch? Paddy O' Furniture.
What is a drunk alien's favourite key? The space bar.
I told myself I need to stop drinking so much ...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself
I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self
My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing. I told her it was just staggering.
I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ... They hang around bars 24/7.
I hear prisoners get drunk a lot. After all, they hang around bars 24/7
How do you get 30 rowdy, drunk Canadians out of your pool after a house party? Ask them politely, "Please get out of the pool".
I slept with your mom last night..
Once in a bar, one guy said to another.. "I slept with your mom last night."
After that whole bar was waiting another guy's response.
After a while... he laughs
says: Let's go home, Dad,
you are drunk.😂
A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk...
Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"
The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"
What do you call a drunk piece of wood? Hammered.
"Mom, Daddy's drunk"
"Why do you say that?"
"He's shaving the mirror again.."
A police officer arrests a drunk man
After minutes of hassle getting the man in the police car, they're finally ready to go.
The officers turns around and says "Please fasten your seatbelt".
The man smirks and says "It's ok. Nobody will pull us over"
Why are scientists always drunk? Because alcohol is a solution.
A drunk driver will run a stop sign. A stoner will wait for it to turn green.
"Man, I got so drunk last night I blew chunks..."
"Don't worry, dude; we've all done that at some point"
"You don't understand, Chunks is my dog..."
What do you call a drunk astronaut? Bud-light-beer
Here is a Canada day joke! How do you get 50 rowdy drunk Canadians out of a pool? You ask them to please get out of the pool.
Two beers sitting in a bar
Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"
"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"
Two whales walk into a bar. One goes 'eeeeoouuwwwwweewew!' The other goes 'Fred, you're drunk.'
So a husband and wife go out to dinner
And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.
Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago
Husband: And he's still celebrating
Asked my wife what she wanted to get for mothers day. She said, "Drunk."
Whenever I drink I buy 20 cans of 5% beer That way I know I'm getting 100% drunk.
Son, you know when you're drunk? See those two people over there? When you see four, you'll know you're drunk..... But dad, I only see one.
One evening my car broke down. A drunk stumbled over to me and asked me what was wrong. "Piston broke" I said. "Yep, me too!" he responded.
What do you call a drunk shark? A hammered-head
what does Harper Lee write when she's drunk? Tequila Mockingbird
I saw graffiti in a bathroom that said: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I DID YOUR DAD!"
Underneath someone replied:
"Go home mom. You're drunk."
I got so drunk last night, that this morning I was blowing chunks! Worst part is, Chunks is my dog.
Got a password lock
that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized. He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.
What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral? There is one less drunk at an Australian funeral.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
I wasn't that drunk yesterday. "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
The last time I was this drunk I had to take a bus home... Which isn't really a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.
Why do the Irish get drunk on St. Patrick's Day? Why should that day be any different.
I saw a drunk couple weaving all over the place I shouted, "get a *loom*!"
Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk?
Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.
Son: But dad, there's only one person.
Two whales walk into a bar....
The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA"
The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk
The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 1 less drunk
A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks...
The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"
Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...
A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.
Thor gets drunk, blacks out and wakes up next to a man.
Confused, he looks at the man and says, "I AM THOR."
And they guy says, "You think you're thore, my ath is killing me."
A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar.
The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"
It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic.
What do you do if you’re drunk and you run into your ex wife? Reverse to make sure.
What is a drunk's favorite kind of skis?
*Hope that is an original for /r/jokes. I couldn't find something similar with a search.*
These Brock Turner jokes are really distasteful. Maybe they'd be okay if I was blackout drunk.
My wife was happy today I came home super drunk last night. She said that when she snuck in bed and was about to tell me off, I said "Go away I have a wife." I don't think she realises I only say that to the ugly girls.
What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.
Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."