What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."
A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.
A drunk German is urinating on a bush
An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"
The German says, "Danke!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.
...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid
It was my mom, then my sister, then me
I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
Cop pulls over bad driver
Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool"
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"
There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?" I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
One fewer drunk person.
Edit: Fewer, not less
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
Drunk driving or...?
A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
-I've had 8 drinks, officer.
-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punchline...
It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."
What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? There‘s one less drunk.
My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.
What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird.
I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self
How do you get a plant drunk? Give it root beer
What do you get when you get a bunch of white supremacists drunk? Racial slurs.
What is the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver passes a stop sign, the stoner waits for it to turn green.
What is a drunk Mexican’s favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird
what does Harper Lee write when she's drunk? Tequila Mockingbird
What do you call a drunk anime fan in the desert? A tumbleweeb.
I was asked to be an Elvis impersonator for a kid's birthday party. I showed up drunk, shot the TV, then died on the toilet.
Two whales are sitting and drinking together at a bar. The first whale says "Eeeeoooooaaaaaaaeeeeeeuuuuuooooooaaaaaauuuuueeeeee"
The second whale says
"Dave, go home. You're drunk."
A drunk German is urinating on a bush. An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, “Gross!” The German says, “Danke."
Why aren't people getting drunk at Eminem's new cocktail bar? You only get one shot.
This must be a confusing time for traffic cops Every driver and their car smells like alcohol but nobody's drunk.
What did Hitler say after being drunk for three days strait? I said GLASS of JUICE!!! Not GAS the JEWS!!!
I got drunk last night and hit a pole with my truck He was a little blitzed about it
My dad would be great on "Drunk History" Every night he drinks a bottle of Jim Beam and talks about the Vietnam War.
Late night we were driving home when one of my drunk friends was cracking jokes I died laughing. Don't drink and drive.
England's greatest spy goes undercover as a standup comedian but gets heavily drunk before the show. As he fumbles up to the stage the audience starts booing, and he starts: "I'm Bombed. James Bombed."
Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.
4:44 looks like a kid and it's parents sailing.. Guess it depends on AM or PM, and if you're drunk or not
I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”
Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."
The worst joke I’ve ever come up with when drunk.
I identify as pansexual.
I like shipping her with Trunks.
Did you hear that Moonstruck actress got drunk and sold all her fruit stocks? Cher's sherry shared Cher's cherry shares.
Who’s drunk, Irish, and is always at your house? Paddy O’Furniture
I think my yoga instructor was drunk today He put me in a very awkward position
I hate Jewish jokes. My grandfather died in the holocaust... He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower.
-Bah! I wasn't that drunk yesterday... \- Come on Dad, you threw my hamster out of the window and shouted: Pikachu! I Choose You!
??????? What do you call a drunk grape? A cannibal.
Be careful shopping while drunk. It can lead to waking up next to one nightstand.
I was put in an awkward position today my yoga instructor was drunk
I was put in an awkward position today Apparently my yoga instructor was really drunk
Wednesday my girlfriend and I got way too drunk and got into it. I didn't mind but she was pretty upset when she remembered It was her cousin.
What do Jews and guns both have in common?
They always go to temple.
(My friends drunk joke, we're both Jews so don't hate)
I came home late and very drunk the other night to find my wife in bed with another man! I was furious and started breaking whatever I could get my hands on...by the time the cops showed up I had managed to trash half my neighbors house.
I met The Godfather of the Irish mafia once.... ...he was too drunk to make me an offer.
I got really wasted and decided that uber was the way to go But according to the police taxi's only work for drunk people when they AREN'T the driver
What is it called when drunk Scottish people fight? Mortaled Kombat...
Don't go shopping for bedroom furniture drunk ...you might end up with only one nightstand.
Apparently I need to listen more in church. Turns out the preacher wasn’t talking about Jim Beam when he asked if anyone had been drunk on the Holy Spirit.
Did you know Kevin Spacey was a composer? His most famous song is titled *Drunk Mistake* in A minor.
How much vodka does it take to get john lenon drunk? 4 shots
You hear Harper Lee wrote a novel while drunk? Tequila Mockingbird
A drunk driver will run a stop sign. A stoner will wait for it to turn green.
So a husband and wife go out to dinner
And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.
Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago
Husband: And he's still celebrating
Asked my wife what she wanted to get for mothers day. She said, "Drunk."
I would rather be called a drunk than an alcoholic. Because alcoholics have to go to all those meetings.
A drunk will blow through the stop sign! A stoner will wait for the stop sign to turn green.
A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks...
The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"
Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...
I got drunk playing Scrabble and somehow swallowed 8 tiles My next vowel movement could spell disaster.
What book is better when you read it drunk? Tequila Mockingbird.
What do you call it when Harrison Ford gets heatburn?
I'm sorry I'm a little drunk
What's tasteless and usually drunk at breakfast? Lindsay Lohan.
An immigration officer asks a drunk man if he's Hungarian he says "yep, but my name's not Arian"
What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.
[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver
if he's persuasive.
-"Dude those are trees."
You are riding a unicorn chasing a rainbow tiger and there is a flying lion behind you. What do you do? Get off the carousal, you're drunk.
3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code in my phone. So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
Know what goes by really fast? A drunk sorority girl.