Drunk Jokes

I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Thor and Loki enter a bar. Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

A man was having a heart attack at a bar When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck... ...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"

I’ve heard one beer = 7 slices of bread I ate a whole loaf and I’m not drunk yet.
Did I do it wrong?

What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch? Paddy O' Furniture.

What is a drunk alien's favourite key? The space bar.

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much ...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing. I told her it was just staggering.

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ... They hang around bars 24/7.

I hear prisoners get drunk a lot. After all, they hang around bars 24/7

How do you get 30 rowdy, drunk Canadians out of your pool after a house party? Ask them politely, "Please get out of the pool".

I slept with your mom last night.. Once in a bar, one guy said to another.. "I slept with your mom last night."
After that whole bar was waiting another guy's response.
After a while... he laughs
and
says: Let's go home, Dad,
you are drunk.😂

A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk... Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"

The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

What do you call a drunk piece of wood? Hammered.

"Mom, Daddy's drunk" "Why do you say that?"

"He's shaving the mirror again.."

A police officer arrests a drunk man After minutes of hassle getting the man in the police car, they're finally ready to go.

The officers turns around and says "Please fasten your seatbelt".

The man smirks and says "It's ok. Nobody will pull us over"

Why are scientists always drunk? Because alcohol is a solution.

A drunk driver will run a stop sign. A stoner will wait for it to turn green.

"Man, I got so drunk last night I blew chunks..." "Don't worry, dude; we've all done that at some point"

"You don't understand, Chunks is my dog..."

What do you call a drunk astronaut? Bud-light-beer

Here is a Canada day joke! How do you get 50 rowdy drunk Canadians out of a pool? You ask them to please get out of the pool.

Two beers sitting in a bar Full beer turns to the empty one and says, "come on, let's go home. You drivin'?"

"can't" the empty one replies, "Im drunk"

Two whales walk into a bar. One goes 'eeeeoouuwwwwweewew!' The other goes 'Fred, you're drunk.'

So a husband and wife go out to dinner And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.

Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago

Husband: And he's still celebrating

Asked my wife what she wanted to get for mothers day. She said, "Drunk."

Whenever I drink I buy 20 cans of 5% beer That way I know I'm getting 100% drunk.

Son, you know when you're drunk? See those two people over there? When you see four, you'll know you're drunk..... But dad, I only see one.

One evening my car broke down. A drunk stumbled over to me and asked me what was wrong. "Piston broke" I said. "Yep, me too!" he responded.

What do you call a drunk shark? A hammered-head

what does Harper Lee write when she's drunk? Tequila Mockingbird

I saw graffiti in a bathroom that said: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I DID YOUR DAD!" Underneath someone replied:

"Go home mom. You're drunk."

I got so drunk last night, that this morning I was blowing chunks! Worst part is, Chunks is my dog.

Got a password lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.

When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized. He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.

What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral? There is one less drunk at an Australian funeral.

I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"

I wasn't that drunk yesterday. "I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

The last time I was this drunk I had to take a bus home... Which isn't really a big deal, but I've never driven a bus before.

Why do the Irish get drunk on St. Patrick's Day? Why should that day be any different.

I saw a drunk couple weaving all over the place I shouted, "get a *loom*!"

Dad, how do you know if someone is drunk? Dad: Look son, you see those two people walking by?, if I had seen 4, I would've been drunk.

Son: But dad, there's only one person.

Two whales walk into a bar.... The first one says: "AOOOOOUUUUUOOOUUUUGGGAAAAUUUOOOOOOOOOOAAAAGOOOOGGGGUUUUUAAAAAAAAA"

The second one says: " Go home steve, your drunk

The day I can’t do my job drunk is the day I hand over my keys today was my last day as a school bus driver

What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? 1 less drunk

A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks... The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"

Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...

A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.

Thor gets drunk, blacks out and wakes up next to a man. Confused, he looks at the man and says, "I AM THOR."

And they guy says, "You think you're thore, my ath is killing me."

A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar. The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"

It's crazy. One minute you're getting drunk as a skunk, then next thing you know, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be a paramedic.

What do you do if you’re drunk and you run into your ex wife? Reverse to make sure.

What is a drunk's favorite kind of skis? Brew-skies!!

*Hope that is an original for /r/jokes. I couldn't find something similar with a search.*

These Brock Turner jokes are really distasteful. Maybe they'd be okay if I was blackout drunk.

My wife was happy today I came home super drunk last night. She said that when she snuck in bed and was about to tell me off, I said "Go away I have a wife." I don't think she realises I only say that to the ugly girls.

What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."