What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.
How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
C and C++ walk into a bar... After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"
A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.
...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
Getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid
It was my mom, then my sister, then me
I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.
Cop pulls over bad driver
Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?
Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af
Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car
I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...
Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?
Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?
Mom: No, Never!
Son: Well neither would he!
Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.
Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?
My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day.
Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.
Me: Oh, man thats terrible.
Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.
A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"
I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?" I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."
What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral?
One fewer drunk person.
Edit: Fewer, not less
Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I hope it's me this year!
What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.
Drunk driving or...?
A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:
-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?
-I've had 8 drinks, officer.
-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...
10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punchline...
A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM.
His wife was waiting for him.
"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.
The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."
I got so drunk last night I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.
A drunk walks into a library...
He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!
***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.
I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.
A mathematician walks home drunk at 3.am and his wife is fuming. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light. For support, rather than illumination.
A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said... "Oh my God! He's still celebrating."
What's the difference between a high and drunk driver? The drunk driver goes through the stop sign, while the high driver waits for it to turn green.
I got so drunk last night I slept like a baby. I pissed and shat myself, woke up crying looking for another bottle.
My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started... But he beat me to it.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend... My wife’s still pretty angry about it but me and Joey were drunk and thought it was funny
What is the difference between high and drunk people? Drunk people will run through a stop sign, while high people stop at the sign and wait for it to turn green.
A dad picked up his child from school...
On the way home , the child asked : "Dad , what does drunk mean ? "
The father responded : " Well , see the 2 cars in front of us , a drunk man would see 4 cars . "
The kid responded : " But dad , there's only one car in front of us . "
What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk at the Irish funeral!
Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual. At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.
I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.
How do you get a group of drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You walk up to them and say “please can you get out of the pool?”
I went out drinking tonight so I took the bus home
Now I can tell you one thing
It's a crazy experience driving a bus drunk
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid.
It was my mother, then my sister then me.
I told myself I should stop drinking. But I am not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.
...And his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!
“No,” slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a stoned driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.
10 years ago i married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny
My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row. He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.
GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9!
GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk
ANGEL: 10 lol
ANGEL \*mouthful of pizza\* 25
CENTIPEDE: \*tearing up\* stop giving me legs, I look stupid
GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL
I have a drinking problem and I need help. If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?
10 years ago today I married my best friend, My wife's still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was really funny.
I got so drunk last night that I had to take a cab home... you know, it was exciting." "That was the first time I ever drove one."
My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.
You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road... ...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.
A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck... ...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"
I told myself I need to stop drinking so much ...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself
I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self
My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing. I told her it was just staggering.
How do you get 30 rowdy, drunk Canadians out of your pool after a house party? Ask them politely, "Please get out of the pool".
A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk...
Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"
The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"
A drunk chick at the club offered me a blow job, but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister. And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.
Got a password lock
that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong password to look into my phone.
Now I have fifty pictures of drunk me.
When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized. He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.
A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.
A man and a Giraffe walk into a bar.
The Giraffe gets drunk and falls on the floor unconscious.
The bartender says "you can't leave that lyin' there."
The man says "its not a Lion, its a Giraffe"