Drunk Jokes


Funniest Drunk Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

Score: 19929

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."

Score: 17904

A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.

Score: 17795

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

Score: 9078

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Score: 5747

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Score: 3654
Funny Drunk Jokes
Score: 2509

10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

Score: 2301

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

"No," slurs the mathematician...

“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Score: 1928

Getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

Score: 1828

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

Score: 1740

I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

Score: 1738

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?

Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af

Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Score: 1562

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool"

Score: 1190

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Score: 948

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends? Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Score: 745

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

Score: 698

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.

Score: 573

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Score: 560

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up

Score: 471

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?" I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

Score: 423

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? One fewer drunk person.

Edit: Fewer, not less

Score: 403

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

Score: 369

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

Score: 364

My son wanted me to buy him GTA When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"

He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf

Score: 364

10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

Score: 336

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punchline...

Score: 329

It's like my uncle always said: "The day I can't do my job drunk..." "...is the day I hand in my badge and gun."

Score: 328

What’s the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? There‘s one less drunk.

Score: 323

I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

Score: 56

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

Score: 28

What do you do if you’re drunk and you run into your ex wife? Reverse to make sure.

Score: 19

A man was having a heart attack at a bar When a patron yelled out, "Does anyone know CPR", the place went silent, then a drunk at the back yelled out "I do... I even know the whole alphabet". Everybody laughed. Well except for this one guy.

Score: 17

Thor and Loki enter a bar. Thor asks for two beers to start off and gets very drunk, but Loki only has water and soda the whole night. They get into a fight with each other. Even though Loki was sober, they both leave the bar hammered.

Score: 17

Why do astronauts get drunk when writing an email? Because they keep hitting the space bar.

Score: 9

I decided to stop going to my therapist and start going to bars every night instead I just find someone drunk enough and push them from behind. They always turn around and ask “What’s your problem?”

Score: 9

What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Score: 7

A blonde, a drunk, a liar, and a loser walk into a bar to order a couple drinks... The bartender says: "There's my favorite customer! What will it be this time Ms. Clinton?"

Edit: Hahaha everyone's so butthurt. It's just a joke...

Score: 5

So a husband and wife go out to dinner And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.

Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago

Husband: And he's still celebrating

Score: 5

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New Drunk Jokes

A bus driver arrives drunk He's very sad and can't go on like this

Score: 2

I was caught drunk driving when I saw the stunning police officer. It was a breath-taking experience.

Score: 3

This must be a confusing time for traffic cops Every driver and their car smells like alcohol but nobody's drunk.

Score: 0

What did Hitler say after being drunk for three days strait? I said GLASS of JUICE!!! Not GAS the JEWS!!!

Score: 1

I got drunk last night and hit a pole with my truck He was a little blitzed about it

Score: 0

My dad would be great on "Drunk History" Every night he drinks a bottle of Jim Beam and talks about the Vietnam War.

Score: 4

England's greatest spy goes undercover as a standup comedian but gets heavily drunk before the show. As he fumbles up to the stage the audience starts booing, and he starts: "I'm Bombed. James Bombed."

Score: 2

Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.

Score: 1

4:44 looks like a kid and it's parents sailing.. Guess it depends on AM or PM, and if you're drunk or not

Score: 1

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". The next whale says, "Shut up, Steve. You're drunk."

Score: 0

The worst joke I’ve ever come up with when drunk. I identify as pansexual.

I like shipping her with Trunks.

Score: 4

Did you hear that Moonstruck actress got drunk and sold all her fruit stocks? Cher's sherry shared Cher's cherry shares.

Score: 2

I hate Jewish jokes. My grandfather died in the holocaust... He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower.

Score: 1

-Bah! I wasn't that drunk yesterday... \- Come on Dad, you threw my hamster out of the window and shouted: Pikachu! I Choose You!

Score: 3

??????? What do you call a drunk grape? A cannibal.

Score: 0

Be careful shopping while drunk. It can lead to waking up next to one nightstand.

Score: 2

I was put in an awkward position today my yoga instructor was drunk

Score: 0

I was put in an awkward position today Apparently my yoga instructor was really drunk

Score: 1

What do Jews and guns both have in common? They always go to temple.

(My friends drunk joke, we're both Jews so don't hate)

Score: 2

An alcoholic midget can only get sightly tipsy He'll always be a little drunk

Score: 2

I came home late and very drunk the other night to find my wife in bed with another man! I was furious and started breaking whatever I could get my hands on...by the time the cops showed up I had managed to trash half my neighbors house.

Score: 2

An Irish man walks past a bar. He was so drunk he almost fell over it.

Score: 1

My grandfather died in a German concentration camp He got drunk and fell out of the guard tower..

Score: 3

Asked my wife what she wanted to get for mothers day. She said, "Drunk."

Score: 4

A college linguistics club was getting drunk at a bar. You know they'll be getting into semantics tonight.

Score: 2

One minute, you're getting drunk as a skunk, then the next minute, you're in the back of an ambulance. I really shouldn't be working for the NHS.

Score: 2

People were screaming at me for showing up drunk to the bar last night. I didn't see at ALL what the big deal was. You show up a little buzzed to take some lame law school exam, and everyone loses their minds.

Score: 2

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