Drunk Jokes

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Funniest Drunk Jokes

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car? A lyft. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."

I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

A drunk German is urinating on a bush An American walks by, sees what the German is doing and says, "Gross!"

The German says, "Danke!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

C and C++ walk into a bar... After a few hours, C gets sloppy drunk and spills its drink all over C++. Outraged, C++ shouts, "good God C! Have you no class??"

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves" The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Funny Drunk Jokes

10 years ago today, I married my best friend My wife’s still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was a great idea

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...and his wife is livid.

“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”

"No," slurs the mathematician...

“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Getting drunk at the bar the other night when the bar tender yelled out "Does anyone here know CPR?" I was feeling pretty good so i yelled back "I do, in fact i know the whole alphabet!" Everybody in the entire bar laughed..........except for one guy.

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline?

It was my mom, then my sister, then me

I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

Cop pulls over bad driver Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool? "Please get out of the pool"

I met a drunk ventriloquist who said she wanted to sleep with me... I didn't know whether it was her or the beer talking...

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends? Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night. Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? There's one less drunk at the funeral.

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

There's one thing I can't stand when I'm drunk Up

I told my friend that "Last night there was a rear-end collision in my parking lot. After that, the drunk guy that hit the car gave me $800 and drove away". My friend asked me "Is that enough to fix it?" I said "I don't care, it wasn't my car."

What is the difference between an irish wedding and an irish funeral? One fewer drunk person.

Edit: Fewer, not less

Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I hope it's me this year!

What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver will run the stop sign. A stoned driver will stop and wait for the sign to turn green.

Drunk driving or...? A cop pulls over a car in the middle of the night:

-Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?

-I've had 8 drinks, officer.

-That's no excuse to let your wife drive...

10 years ago I married my best friend. My wife is still really angry about it. But me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punchline...

A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM. His wife was waiting for him.

"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.

The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

I got so drunk last night I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

A drunk walks into a library... He goes up to the desk and slurs: I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

The librarian replies: Sir, this is a library!

***whispers*** Sorry, I'll have a burger, fries and a milkshake.

I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

A mathematician walks home drunk at 3.am and his wife is fuming. “You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!” "No," slurs the mathematician... “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

A politician uses statistics like a drunk uses a street light. For support, rather than illumination.

Two drunk friends were talking in a bar. Men 1: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.

Man 2: Since when was Mike your best friend?

Man 1: Since yesterday.

What do you call a drunk women? An uber so she can get home safe

I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday Unfortunately they made me give it back today

A wife said, "Do you see that drunk guy?". The husbands said, "Yes. Who is he?". The wife said, "He proposed to me 10 years ago and I rejected him." The husband said... "Oh my God! He's still celebrating."

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New Drunk Jokes

I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?” I shouted back, “I do, in fact, I know the entire alphabet!” Everyone in the bar laughed and laughed... Well, all except for one guy...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt, and says, “If you cross this line, I’ll hit you in the face.” That was the punch line.

What do you call an intoxicated golfer? A drunk driver.

What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign? The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!

A drunk American was pissing on a street in Germany When a German girl walks by and screams “Ah Nein! “ The American guy says, “I’m flattered but I think it’s closer to 8.”

A drunk Irishman sees two women at the bar. Irishman: You two ladies from England?

Girl: No, Wales.

Irishman: You two whales from England?

Edit: I can't spell for the life of me...

What do you call a drunk plant? Chloroplastered

I got so drunk last night I slept like a baby. I pissed and shat myself, woke up crying looking for another bottle.

My abusive father got drunk to the same song every night. I tried to shut it off before he could get started... But he beat me to it.

10 years ago today, I married my best friend... My wife’s still pretty angry about it but me and Joey were drunk and thought it was funny

What is the difference between high and drunk people? Drunk people will run through a stop sign, while high people stop at the sign and wait for it to turn green.

A dad picked up his child from school... On the way home , the child asked : "Dad , what does drunk mean ? "

The father responded : " Well , see the 2 cars in front of us , a drunk man would see 4 cars . "

The kid responded : " But dad , there's only one car in front of us . "

What’s the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wedding? One less drunk at the Irish funeral!

Hundreds of years ago vulgarity was commonplace, people were often drunk before noon, and public urination was not unusual. At least that's what I tried telling the security guard at the renaissance faire.

I had a terrible nightmare that I got arrested for drunk driving It scared me so bad I woke up, drove out of the ditch and went home.

How do you get a group of drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You walk up to them and say “please can you get out of the pool?”

I went out drinking tonight so I took the bus home Now I can tell you one thing

.

.

.

It's a crazy experience driving a bus drunk

My dad was always drunk when I was a kid. The punchline?

It was my mother, then my sister then me.

I told myself I should stop drinking. But I am not about to listen to a drunk who talks to himself.

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. ...And his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!
“No,” slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

How do you tell the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? A drunk driver speeds through a red light like there's nothing there, and a stoned driver waits for the stop sign to turn green.

10 years ago i married my best friend My wife's still really angry about it but me and Dave were drunk and thought it was funny

My drunk friend got kicked out of Karaoke for singing “Danger Zone” 7 times in a row. He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

GOD: 8 ANGEL: 9! GOD: We shouldn't do this drunk

ANGEL: 10 lol

GOD: 15!!

ANGEL \*mouthful of pizza\* 25

GOD: 30!!

CENTIPEDE: \*tearing up\* stop giving me legs, I look stupid

GOD: ONE HUNDRED LOL

ANGEL: LMAO

I have a drinking problem and I need help. If Bob has drunk 2 cups of orange juice and Steve has drunk 3, and each cup has the juice of 4 oranges, how many oranges did the buy?

10 years ago today I married my best friend, My wife's still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was really funny.

Knock knock Whose there?

Got drunk.

Got drunk who?

You mean "who got drunk?" Probably you.

I got so drunk last night that I had to take a cab home... you know, it was exciting." "That was the first time I ever drove one."

My drunk uncle is Santa Claus He breaks into my house, drinks all the milk and snacks.. Then, he unloads his sack all over the living room.

A woman on her way home from market was carrying a duck... ...when a drunk staggered up to her and said, "Hey, where'd ja get the pig?" The woman replied, "You drunken fool, that's no pig -- it's a duck!" And the drunk said, "Quiet, woman , I was talking to the duck!"

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much ...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

My drunk girlfriend asked me what I thought of her dancing. I told her it was just staggering.

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ... They hang around bars 24/7.

How do you get 30 rowdy, drunk Canadians out of your pool after a house party? Ask them politely, "Please get out of the pool".

What is a drunk Mexican's favourite book? Tequila Mockingbird.

A drunk chick at the club offered me a blow job, but I turned her down. She looked too much like my sister. And my sister is terrible at blow jobs.

Three things that never lie..... Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants

When he dies my dad’s arranged to be liquidized. He won't go to any funeral he can't get drunk at.

A drunk homeless guy wanted to fight me yesterday As soon as he kicked me and lost his shoe I could smell defeat.

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Long Drunk Jokes

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

the husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. One, two, three, four. Damn, you’re right.

Two guys are sitting next to each other in a pub.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

A very drunk man in a bar orders another scotch. The bartender says, "You're too drunk, Joe, go home.

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, I told you. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in and says, "I'll have a scotch."

The bartender says, "Joe, for the last time. You're too drunk. Go home."

Joe says, "Fine, I'll take my business elsewhere," and walks out.

A few minutes later he walks back in, stops at the door, stares at the bartender and says, "God damn it! How many bars do you work at?"

Three friends walk into a hotel room in Soviet Russia

Two first men are open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.

The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:

"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."

His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.

After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.

The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.

The man is horrified. He ponders why he was spared.

The receptionist responds:

"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing last night and that they aren't very comfortable.

He goes down to the kitchen to find his wife humming happily to herself and dancing around in her apron. Upon seeing her husband, she dances up to him and gives him a loving kiss, and says "go wait in the dining room. Breakfast will be ready soon!"

So he goes and waits in the dining room. The man's son is also sitting there. He quietly asks his son, "Hey, do you know what's up with mom?"

The boy looked up and said, "well dad do you remember coming home drunk last night? You were pretty out of it. You went upstairs and crawled in bed with mom. Well, you were still in your jeans and shirt and mom didn't think that was very comfortable so she decided to help you get undressed for bed. She couldn't though, because every time she tugged on your shirt, you would push her away and yell 'get off me lady! I'm married!'"

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...

The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

A lawyer gets pulled over for speeding in Chicago

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see y our license please?

Lawyer: I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see... Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Lawyer: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Lawyer: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Lawyer: Yes, and I killed the owner.

Officer: You what?

Lawyer: Killed the owner, I had to self defense otherwise he would call the police and I would be in jail.

The Officer looks at the Lawyer and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes five police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please! The lawyer steps out of the vehicle.

Lawyer: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and killed the owner.

Lawyer: Killed the owner?

Senior Officer: Is this your car, sir?

Lawyer: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you don't have a driving license.

The lawyer digs into his pocket takes out his license and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you killed the owner.

Lawyer: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

You must be single...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped of the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on Earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cuz you're ugly."

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits of their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don't believe you. I bet if we take your limo out for a spin I'll see some drunks staggering around.

Putin: Okay, let me prove you wrong. We'll drive around and if you see a single drunk you can shoot them with my own gun.

Putin let's the FSB know what they're doing, and tells them to do a sweep and round up every single drunk on their route. He says if Obama sees a single drunk everyone will get sent to Siberia.

Obama and Putin drive around for 10 minutes, and the streets are empty. Not a single person is out, let alone a drunk. Obama is about to accept defeat when a visibly drunk man staggers out of an apartment building, singing a Russian folk song. Obama leans out the window and shoots him.

Obama: See Vlad, I saw one person and he was drunk! All Russians are drunks!

Six months later Putin travels to Washington DC and he and Obama are having the same argument about morals and society. Putin suggests they do the same thing they did in Moscow, and he will shoot any drunks that he sees on Washington's streets. Obama let's the Secret Service know to go ahead and make sure there are no drunks anywhere on their route.

The two presidents drive around for 10 minutes, without seeing anyone. Just as they're turning around a huge group of drunks stumbles out of a bar. Putin gets excited, leans out the window and mows them all down. He teases Obama for the rest of the night.

Putin: Barack, you said Russians were worse drunks than Americans. I just killed 20 of them, looks like Russia wins again!

The next morning Vladimir Putin picks up the newspaper and sees the headline: 20 Russian Embassy Workers Slain In Drive-By Shooting.

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant

A drunk man goes into a restaurtant. He tells the waiter: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him: "Sorry, we don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter tells him again: "Sorry sir, I already told you. We don't serve drunk people. Please leave."

The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: "I'll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers."

The waiter shouts at him: "Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON'T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!"

The man asks him: "Dude, is there a restaurant you don't work at?"

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"
The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her."
Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends.
Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk.
"Ok bartender! Let's do this test!"
The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequilla, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator.
A few minutes pass, and after a bunch of screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely.
He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"

A nun is standing outside a pub...

...and a man comes round the corner, planning to grab an after-work bevy. The nun immediately points at him, and intones:

"Before you enter this den of sin and debauchery, think of your mother and father!"

The man wipes away a tear, and says "They're dead, God bless 'em. They're dead, in heaven."

"Well," says the nun, "Then think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain!"

"What? What are you talking about?" the man asks. "Have you ever had a drink?" The nun says she has not. "Then how can you talk to me about alcohol? I'll tell you what I'll do," he continues, "I'll buy you a drink, and after you've drunk it, *then* you can talk to me about alcohol. What'll you have?"

"I don't know," says the nun. "What do ladies usually drink?"

"Gin," he replies.

"Oh, alright," she says. "But - but can you put it in a cup, so nobody notices." The man nods and walks into the bar, calling out to the bartender.

"Bartender! I'll have a beer, and a double gin in a cup!"

"It's that bloody nun outside again, isn't it?"

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. 
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. 
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. 
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. 
"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. 
Love You!" 

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. 
His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" 
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. 
Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door". Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and 
breakfast is on the table waiting for me? 
I should expect a big quarrel with her!" 
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, 
"LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

So drunk he can't stand up

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.

When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

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**EDIT** - Read the sidebar if you don't like the joke! Glad I could make most of you have a laugh :)

A drunk got on a bus one day and sat down next to a priest.

The drunk stank of wine, his shirt was stained, his face was all red, and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket.

He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple of minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologised. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.He wouldn't even smell it.

What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.

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