A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Father: "Ask your sister.”
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
**Me:** "Who's there?"
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that?
Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
Dad: Son, you're adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.
Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child
Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11
[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders
Just another dad joke
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
I don't always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!" Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."
My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.” I know he means well.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son. He said: 'dad, can't you just use a sponge?'
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.
How do you make a joke into a dad joke Make the punchline apparent.
What's the difference between my dad and other dads? Beats me.
A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”
The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.
Then the son said “But I only see two.”
Name a vegetable that's kind of cool.
Edit: Source: Am a dad
I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was. My dad beat me
A Dad is washing a car with his son.
The son asks:
‘Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there
I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... Which was lucky, because he stepped on a Landmine.
I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes. He gave me a hug.
Spanish Dad Joke
Dad: Son what are you drinking?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad
Dad joke level grandpa: Why are the first 25 letters of the alphabet fascist? Because they're not-z's.
I just fell victim to a dad joke
Dad: What do you get when you cross a tuna, a piano, and glue.
Me: I don't know?
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the glue?
Dad: I knew you would get stuck on that part.
I have a fear of speed bumps
I'm slowly getting over it
Edit: My first dad joke.
I'm glad I wasn't close to my dad when he died He stepped on a landmine
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."
Son: Why is my sister called Teresa?
Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan
Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god... ...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.
My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.
Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....." ".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"
I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times... This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad
I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic... Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
A son asked his dad
"Can you pass me my sunglasses?"
"Sure." Replied the dad. "Then can you pass me my dadglasses?"
I just donated all your toys to the orphanage
Dad : I just donated all your toys to the orphanage
Dad: So you'll have something to play with when i take you there.
Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?
Son: What's a "dop ted"?
Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!
Son: Nice one, Dad.
Dad: I'm not your Dad.
-Dad,why is my sister named Teresa?
+Because your mother loves easter.Teresa is an anagram for Easter.
A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Since you like Dad jokes. Here's one I laid on my wife while she was folding my infant daughters clothes.
Wife: Could you go and grab the baby hangers?
Me: They prefer to be called executioners.
Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?
Or am I just breadjudiced?
Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!
Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!
Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That is true in every country, son."
What are you drinking there, son?
Son: soy milk
Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
I said to my parents, "Mom, dad... I've decided to live on my own from now on."
"Okay, that's fine." they replied.
I added, "Your luggage is outside."
If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off" "In your daughter" is the wrong answer
Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?
"Ask your sister"
I don't have a...
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious…
The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made.
When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When he leaves you and never comes back.
My dad and I play hide and seek a lot to beat each other's record. My record is 2 hours until he found me. His record is 20 years and still counting.
A joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid I love you.
I cried as my dad chopped up onions. Onions was a good dog.
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...
"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
"Sweetheart, I'm pregnant.", "High pregnant, I'm dad!" "Actually, you're not."
My dad is never proud of anything I do.
Dad: Son, how old are you?
Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.
My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…
I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad…
I told my dad embrace your mistakes. That's when my dad hugged me and my brother.
A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?''
He replies "He's a magician."
She asks "Is he good?"
He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago."
I learned a few things today.
1. I'm gonna be a dad!
2. I'm gonna be an uncle!
3. My sisters not on the pill.
Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?
Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa
Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad
I have chronic diarrhea. My dad also has chronic diarrhea, and his dad had it too... It runs in our jeans.
"Dad, why are there no jews on jupiter?" "Because its a gas planet son"
My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men." Dad, you're using Uber.
A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?"
"You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"
"Not this time, your dog died."
People should really stop making jokes about major tragedies. My Dad died on 9/11... He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia...
Dad: Say daddy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Dad: Son of a b*tch.
So a man walks into a bar...
and never comes back for my entire childhood.
Where are you dad?