“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
People ask me where I store all my dad jokes. In a dad-a-base
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
**Me:** "Who's there?"
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child
Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!
How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11
Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders
“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”
“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”
“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
I used to tell dad jokes. He's dead now though.
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father: So you will not be bored there.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born the day before. He told me: "Maybe they'll marry each other." As if my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
Just a Dad Joke
Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad
Wife:No you’re not
When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it's fully groan.
Just another dad joke
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
I don't always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole.
It was a grave mistake.
Dad joke warning ⚠
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
I warned you.
A dad is given bad news by a doctor
Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.
Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre
Dad my girlfriends pregnant
"Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."
"I'm not mad, just disappointed."
"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."
"Did you jus..."
"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."
My dad once told me a joke about unstamped letters I never got it though.
What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?
A can't opener
My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing.
I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.
All the signs where there.
"How come your dad always has a belt on hand?" "Beats me"
A little boy kills a butterfly and his dad says, no butter for 2 weeks. He kills a honeybee and his dad says, no honey for two weeks. His mother kills a cockroach. He looks at his dad and says, are you going to tell her or should I?
WHAT DID THE DAD SAY WHEN HE PUT THE CAR IN REVERSE?! Man this takes me back.
When does a bad joke turn into a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent
When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class. Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses" "And then we'll see."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said... “You know, one would’ve been enough!”
What does orange juice and my dad have in common? They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
*1 week later*
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor
A kid wanted to be a man so asked his father.
Son: Dad who is a man ?
Dad: A person that takes care of his family.
Son: One day i'm gonna become a man just like mom
I don’t often tell dad jokes... Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.
Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby" Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
My son calling me dad was my breaking point I finally shaved my legs
My dad is moving to a Spanish city Ciudad
My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens" He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.
My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now But I wanted to be transparent.
A child asked his dad," how are coins made".
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".
Then the child responded," That makes cents".
My dad is a social distancing champion!!! I havent seen him since 2005
Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983.
My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years. The Boomer Rang
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says
One would've been enough.
I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday. it's the thot that counts.
The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was,
"Two or three" she said.
I think I get why her and my dad got divorced now..
Me : Alexa where is my dad?
Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas
Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me
Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said You know, one would've been enough.
I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes Sometimes he laughs.
I was named after my dad Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him
Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
Did you hear what happened to the kid who kept getting electrocuted?..
His dad finally grounded him
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit" He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
Dad Jokes are great and here's why: Why.
A dad was washing his car with his son After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other? Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes a-parent
A boy asks his dad to explain the solar eclipse,
His father replies,
My dad told me once, Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 40 years ago.
Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.
My dad is an avid bottle collector. Well it sounds better than alcoholic.
I'm going to tell a Dad joke. Hi, going to tell a Dad joke! I'm Dad!
Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’ Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.
I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun
A pack of geese is a gaggle But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back
My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.
Why do Dads tell Dad jokes? Because they want to see their kids all groan up.
A girl is pregnant
She says to her dad,” Dad I’m pregnant.”
The dad says,” Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.”
The girl replies,”Yeah, you are.”
A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin "9.57$? Why do you need 11.48$?"
I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there
My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.
My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one...
Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?
Me: No clue, son
Son: An ele-Vader, ha!
I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him ...what a faux pa.
Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.
What did the staircase say when I climbed it?
It just staired.
(Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)
My mom and dad were both dwarfs All their lives they struggled to put food on the table