Dad Jokes


Funniest Dad Jokes

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Score: 29416

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

Score: 22674

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 22302

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Score: 22119

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Score: 21210

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Score: 20292
Funny Dad Jokes
Score: 19023

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Score: 18979

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

Score: 18680

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Score: 18591

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

Score: 17572

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Score: 17302

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

Score: 16080

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?” “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Score: 15909

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Score: 13543

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

Score: 11811

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Score: 10462

Asked My Parents if I was an accident Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Score: 10387

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Score: 10039

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

Score: 9504

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

Score: 8970

Dad: Son, you're adopted. Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

Score: 8101

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 7210

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.

Score: 7042

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

Score: 6968

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

Score: 6766

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Score: 6711

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 6628

My dad is German and dropped this one on me the other day. Dad: I never told you this but, my great grandfather died in the holocaust.

Me: Oh, man thats terrible.

Dad: Yeah, he got really drunk one night and fell off of the guard tower.

Score: 592

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

Score: 534

A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

Score: 455

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

Score: 285

“Hey son, what has four legs and doesn’t breathe?” Son: “Haha you can’t fool me this time dad! A chair.”

Dad: “No son, our dog died.”

Score: 132

"Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?" No sun.

Score: 127

What is a black dad's favorite animal? Bison

Score: 106

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’ Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Score: 85

My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born... ...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.

Score: 52

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

Score: 47

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New Dad Jokes

It's never okay to say to your adopted child "I'm not your real dad". That's a faux pa.

Score: 9

What did my dad say when I wet the bed? Urine trouble.

Score: 7

Son - Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun

Score: 29

Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is ? No son

Score: 30

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together. Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

Score: 18

I think Santa Claus is my dad. A month before Christmas when I was 10 I wrote Santa a letter asking him to bring my dad home for Christmas. That Christmas neither of them showed up.

Score: 6

My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

Score: 9

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head. From a distance they will look like hares.

Score: 15

Why couldn't a transgender man see his mom and dad after he came out to his family? Because they became transparents

Score: 18

Why did the astronaut refuse to return home to see his girlfriend? He needed more space.

(In case you're running low on dad jokes!)

Score: 19

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we’re having for dinner tonight She replied “i don’t know Dad, Im stumped”

Score: 8

Barron Trump: "Dad, can you help me with my economics homework?" Donald: "no, son. It wouldn't be right."

Barron: "I know, but will you try it anyway?"

Score: 8

As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

Score: 18

My dad kept on warning everyone the titanic was gonna sink, but no one listened to him. Finally, they had enough of him and kicked him out the theater.

Score: 7

Why did the little boy throw a stick of butter out of the window? To see a butterfly!

Again, thanks dad.

Score: 14

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

Score: 21

I'm getting worried about getting older. My dad died when was only 42. Then I chill when I remember getting murdered by a hooker isn't genetic.

Score: 15

My dad had the ultimate dad joke... When we were little, he'd tell us how we had to remember to take our wallets out of our jeans when we put in the washing machine.

Because that's laundering money.

Score: 6

I remember growing up so poor, dad was cutting up onions and we were all crying.... ...Onions was such a good dog.

Score: 6

Tonight's firework show reminds me of my dad Really exciting for 30 minutes, then completely gone for a year

Score: 6

My dad’s Mexican and my mom’s Canadian... But I don’t wanna taco boot it

Score: 6

For Fathers Day I took my Dad out. It only took seven bullets.

Score: 6

My dad is a geologist and has been dating rocks for years... His best advice is to just be gneiss and try not to be a little schist.

Score: 9

My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff They said it was a joint decision.

Score: 9

My dad text me saying, "Don't try to be someone you're not." It hurt when he added, "Oops, forgot the comma after 'someone'."

Score: 6

Son : Dad, how does stars die ? Dad: Usually an overdose .

Score: 20

The doctor brings the newborn baby to the father and says “sorry but your wife didn’t make it” The new dad replies “well then bring me the one she made then!”

Score: 6

I liked to pretend my dad was a superhero He was always the invisible man...

Score: 21

I was breastfeeding out in public earlier today and I was getting a lot of strange looks. There are some things a dad just shouldn't do. Especially with someone else's child.

Score: 9

I like to think of my dad as a super hero Invisible man...

Score: 6

My dad had a vasectomy because he didn't want kids anymore But when he got home from the hospital we were still there

Score: 27

My son entered the bathroom during my morning shower time. Soon, we had that awkward "Why is *yours* bigger than *mine*?"-conversation...
He said: "Dad! I don't know... I'm only ten!"

Score: 15

My son saw me slumped over our lawn mower, bawling my eyes out... He screamed, "Dad! What's wrong!? Are you ok?!"

I said, "Don't worry son, I'll be fine. I was just going through a rough patch..."

Score: 20

My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.

Score: 8

A father named his sons Rose and Fridge One day Rose asked his dad:- why did you call me like that? Her father answered that when she was born a rose petal fell on her forehead. Then fridge came and asked his father: BLUAEHHUEHUEHAWHAW?

Score: 14

Whats the best part of all dad jokes? The punchline is always a parent .

Score: 9

I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man

Score: 33

My dad was a stubborn man. He couldn't understand why you shouldn't install a ceiling fan with duct tape. And then it hit him.

Score: 10

Before going to party my dad said, "Don't bring any girls home, tonight." That was pretty harsh I thought, considering my sister went with me.

Score: 27

How is my dad supposed to celebrate Fathers day When it's on a Sonday

Score: 13

What the difference between my dad and a police officer? I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

Score: 10

I've been in jail for less than an hour and I've already been raped twice! This is the LAST time I play monopoly with my dad

Score: 30

Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door Dad: Great! Give him Granny!

Score: 30

Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO? Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

Score: 10

I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."

Score: 12

I was playing frisbee with my dad today... I was playing frisbee with my dad today and was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Score: 19

What does a young girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity? "Careful, dad, don't crush my smokes."

Score: 37

What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Score: 7

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

Do you know why I only date black girls? Because I hate the awkwardness of meeting a girlfriend's dad

Score: 32

Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off

Score: 9

Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes. At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.

Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..

I should be ashamed.

Score: 21

My dad told me his New Years resolution was to embrace his mistakes. He hugged my sister and I :(

Score: 10

Son, we need to talk 'Son, we need to talk!'

'Yes, dad?'

'Your mother said she saw you watching inappropriate videos online. Those videos are trash, they’re garbage and if you keep watching them, you’ll go blind!'


'Yes, son?'

'I’m over here.'

Score: 33

9 year old told me this today. My favorite exercise is a mix between a crunch and a lunge... It's called lunch. Dad, I'm hungry.

Score: 29

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

Score: 16

Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, "10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter."

Score: 19

My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.

Score: 24

My Dad told me this one today An Asian man goes to the eye doctor,
The doctor tells him "You have a cataract",
The man says "No, I drive a Rincoln."

My dad told this one to me today and just thought it was hilarious

Score: 19

They say dad's a transvestite. -Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!

-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

Score: 14

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