Contents
Funniest Jokes
New Jokes
Funniest Dad Jokes
A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad...
...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?
“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
Wife: “I’m pregnant.”
Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”
Wife: “No you’re not.”
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder
White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Father: "Ask your sister.”
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?” “We’ve updated our privacy policy”
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Hey Dad."
"Yes son?"
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Me:** "No."
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
"Knock! Knock!"
**Me:** "Who's there?"
**Her:** "Ash."
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
**Me: rekt**
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”
Asked My Parents if I was an accident
Mom: No, no, why would you think that?
Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."
I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!!
“Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”
Dad: Son, you're adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.
Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.
Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child
Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11
[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.” I know he means well.
Sure, white people cant say they "N" word but atleast we can say phrases like " thanks for the warning, officer" and "hey dad"
Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.
A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?”
The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.
Then the son said “But I only see two.”
How do you make a joke into a dad joke Make the punchline apparent.
I was born to an Asian family
But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.
My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.
Sure, as a white man I can't say the n word... But I can say things like, "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad".
I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker. It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.
My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not.
Q: What type of bees make milk?
A: BOO-Bees!
And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.
Today my daughter asked me, "Dad, how do stars die?" I replied , "Usually an overdose."