“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.
The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"
So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."
"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
"Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan"
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies,
"No, just leave it in the carton! "
P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.
When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan
But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution
Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder
(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding
Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?
Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!
Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..
Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
**Wife:** whatever means necessary.
**Me:** No it doesn't.
A boy and his dad are talking.
"Did you ever get shot in the army?"
He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;
"No, but I was shot in the leggy."
My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me.
**Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"
**Her:** "I'll teach you one."
**Me:** "Who's there?"
"Now ask, Ash: who?"
**Me:** "Ash: who?"
**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
I love dad jokes
WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.
My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice
Must be why I'm an only child
Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!
My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11
Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders
“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.”
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”
“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”
“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father: So you will not be bored there.
Just a Dad Joke
Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant
Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad
Wife:No you’re not
Just another dad joke
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.
"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.
"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."
My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.
I don't always tell dad jokes
But when I do, he laughs.
Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole.
It was a grave mistake.
Dad joke warning ⚠
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.
I warned you.
Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant?
Me: Leave that to me
*later at dinner*
Her dad: *coughs* I need water
Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses" "And then we'll see."
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said... “You know, one would’ve been enough!”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: My dad is in the hospital
*1 week later*
Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?
Student: Yes, he is a doctor
My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens" He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.
My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now But I wanted to be transparent.
A child asked his dad," how are coins made".
The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".
Then the child responded," That makes cents".
Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983.
I handed my dad his 50th birthday card
With tears in his eyes he says
One would've been enough.
Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.
When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit" He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
A dad was washing his car with his son After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"
My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other? Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.
My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.
My dad told me once, Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad.
A son and daughter walk up to their father.
Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 40 years ago.
My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.
Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.
What did the staircase say when I climbed it?
It just staired.
(Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)
The son speaks to his dad
Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.
Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.
People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple. I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo.
He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it
My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.” I know he means well.
My dad died recently.
Hewas in an accident and lost a lot of blood bu tnobody knew his blood-type.
I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow. I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.