Dad Jokes


Funniest Dad Jokes

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Score: 29416

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

Score: 22674

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 22302

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Score: 22119

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Score: 21210

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Score: 20292
Funny Dad Jokes
Score: 19023

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Score: 18979

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

Score: 18680

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Score: 18591

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

Score: 17572

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Score: 17302

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

Score: 16080

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?” “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Score: 15909

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Score: 13543

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

Score: 11811

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Score: 10462

Asked My Parents if I was an accident Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Score: 10387

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Score: 10039

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

Score: 9504

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

Score: 8970

Dad: Son, you're adopted. Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

Score: 8101

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 7210

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.

Score: 7042

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

Score: 6968

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

Score: 6766

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Score: 6711

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 6628

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.” I know he means well.

Score: 1411

So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood.

Where are you dad?

Score: 1037

Dad: Say daddy! Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!

Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I'm home!

Baby: F*ck you!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Score: 329

Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

Score: 280

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?” The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.
Then the son said “But I only see two.”

Score: 215

How do you make a joke into a dad joke Make the punchline apparent.

Score: 193

Every time I tell dad jokes He laughs

Score: 171

What does my dad do when he's drunk and bored? Beats me

Score: 158

I was born to an Asian family But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

Score: 131

Dad, am I adopted? Son : Dad, am I adopted?

Dad : If we really wanted to adopt, we would have chosen someone better.

E^dit : formatting

Score: 120

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New Dad Jokes

When I was 12, my dad confessed to me that he used to be a girl. I told him that was obvious I told him he's a very transparent transparent

Score: 51

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes? Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

Score: 23

It's never okay to say to your adopted child "I'm not your real dad". That's a faux pa.

Score: 9

What did my dad say when I wet the bed? Urine trouble.

Score: 7

Son - Dad, could you tell me what a solar eclipse is? No sun

Score: 29

Dad: What's the difference between a piano, tuna and some glue? Me: Don't know?

Dad: You can tune a piano but you can't tuna fish

Me: What about the glue?

Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that!

Score: 21

My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

Score: 9

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head. From a distance they will look like hares.

Score: 15

Why couldn't a transgender man see his mom and dad after he came out to his family? Because they became transparents

Score: 18

Bin Laden's kid comes sad from school "Dad i got an F in Geography class"

"Why is that?"

"The teacher asked me what's the tallest building in New York and i said Empire State Building"

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies

"Let dad handle this one."

Score: 14

A little boy walks into the living room and catches his dad jerking off... Kid yells "ewww!"

Dad says "oh whatever, you'll be doing this soon yourself."

"No I won't!" yells back the kid.

"Oh yes you will, my arm is getting tired."

Score: 11

Barron Trump: "Dad, can you help me with my economics homework?" Donald: "no, son. It wouldn't be right."

Barron: "I know, but will you try it anyway?"

Score: 8

My 5 y/old daughter told me no more Dad Jokes. I told her that the only Dad Joke around here is You.

Score: 7

As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

Score: 18

My dad kept on warning everyone the titanic was gonna sink, but no one listened to him. Finally, they had enough of him and kicked him out the theater.

Score: 7

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

Score: 21

Nurse to my dad at the hospital... ... after he was hit by a car on his bike: do you smoke?

Dad, still not sure who the current president is: only when I'm on fire

Nurse: looks to my mom

Mom: no.

Score: 52

I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin. It was £30 but cheaper than a funeral

Score: 46

Today my daughter asked me, "Dad, how do stars die?" I replied , "Usually an overdose."

Score: 57

I liked to pretend my dad was a superhero He was always the invisible man...

Score: 21

I've only been in jail for three minutes and I've already been raped three times. I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

Score: 13

I like to think of my dad as a super hero Invisible man...

Score: 6

My dad asked me: "Son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?" I said "You're not fooling me again dad, a chair"

He answered "No, your dog died"

Score: 25

My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.

Score: 8

A son and a dad are talking Son: Why is the sky blue?

Dad: The same reason your eyes are blue.

Son: So the sky slept with the postman?

Score: 22

My dad was a stubborn man. He couldn't understand why you shouldn't install a ceiling fan with duct tape. And then it hit him.

Score: 10

Before going to party my dad said, "Don't bring any girls home, tonight." That was pretty harsh I thought, considering my sister went with me.

Score: 27

How is my dad supposed to celebrate Fathers day When it's on a Sonday

Score: 13

What the difference between my dad and a police officer? I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

Score: 10

I've been in jail for less than an hour and I've already been raped twice! This is the LAST time I play monopoly with my dad

Score: 30

Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door Dad: Great! Give him Granny!

Score: 30

[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you" I'm still trying to teach my dad.

Score: 48

I may look like a joke to you.... ...but I'm completely dad inside

Score: 8

I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."

Score: 12

Sure, as a white man I can't say the n word... But I can say things like, "thanks for the warning officer" and "hey dad".

Score: 107

I was playing frisbee with my dad today... I was playing frisbee with my dad today and was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Score: 19

What's the difference between your dad and this joke? This joke will be back someday

Score: 31

I told my dad that I don't like being a single child. "I want a brother!" I said.

He said, "Having a child is a long process, your mother and I don't need that right now."

"Maybe you should consider adoption?" I asked.

He said, "No, we're not doing that again."

Score: 10

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me. He was in denial.

Score: 13

if the gas station is 2 miles away.. ..and my dad's car can travel at 60mph, why hasn't he returned from getting cigarettes after 6 years?

Score: 14

My dad keeps throwing erasers at me... My dad keeps throwing erasers at me and I finally snapped, "Why dad!" he replied "the first rubber I used didn't get rid of my mistake, maybe this one will"

Score: 8

My Dad finally said that I was funny. I asked him if he loved me.

Score: 13

What is the one thing batman and superman don't have to worry about? Dad Jokes.

Score: 13

What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Score: 7

My dad has the heart of a lion, And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Score: 20

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," said my dad. "Are you kidding? Really?!" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Score: 17

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Dad.

Score: 13

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

I made a Starbucks barista cry I put my name down as Dad and he stood there calling it over and over again with no reply.

Score: 36

Do you know why I only date black girls? Because I hate the awkwardness of meeting a girlfriend's dad

Score: 32

Whats the best part about dating a black girl? You rarely have to meet their dad.

Score: 28

My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not. Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

Score: 63

My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.

Score: 47

My daughter can be so cruel... Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Me: I don't know, what?

Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!

Score: 15

Dad just dropped this at my cousin's 8th birthday party...I was the only one to burst out laughing.. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles.

Score: 23

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

Score: 16

My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.

Score: 24

A black boy asks his white parents "Daddy why are your and mommy's faces so bright if mine is so dark?" says the kid. The dad looks at him and goes: "Jimmy the party was so wild you should be happy you're not barking now".

Score: 34

They say dad's a transvestite. -Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!

-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

Score: 14

My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born... ...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.

Score: 52

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