Hilarious Dad Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Dad Jokes

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo! Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

People ask me where I store all my dad jokes. In a dad-a-base

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" **Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.” His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I used to tell dad jokes. He's dead now though.

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Just a Dad Joke Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife:No you’re not

When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it's fully groan.

Just another dad joke WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs.

Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

Dad joke warning ⚠ Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre

Dad my girlfriends pregnant "Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

New Dad Jokes

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant? Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses" "And then we'll see."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said... “You know, one would’ve been enough!”

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby" Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens" He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now But I wanted to be transparent.

A child asked his dad," how are coins made". The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".

Then the child responded," That makes cents".

My dad is a social distancing champion!!! I havent seen him since 2005

Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983.

My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years. The Boomer Rang

I handed my dad his 50th birthday card With tears in his eyes he says

One would've been enough.

I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday. it's the thot that counts.

I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes Sometimes he laughs.

I was named after my dad Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit" He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

A dad was washing his car with his son After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other? Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

My dad told me once, Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad.

A son and daughter walk up to their father. Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 40 years ago.

A pack of geese is a gaggle But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes? Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin "9.57$? Why do you need 11.48$?"

Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

What did the staircase say when I climbed it? Nothing.

It just staired.

(Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)

A dad is washing his car with his son. The son says : "Dad, can't you use a sponge?"

I challenged my dad to a race to see who would die first. Sadly he beat me to death.

Son: Dad am I adopted? Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

The son speaks to his dad Son: Dad, I've got a part in the school play, I play a man who's been married for 25 years.

Dad: Maybe next time you will get a speaking part.

People often ask why I’m so good at Dad jokes and it’s simple. I take an ordinarily terrible pun and take it even father.

My bald dad commented on my hair earlier. He said I had hair like an emo.

He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.” I know he means well.

My dad died recently. Hewas in an accident and lost a lot of blood bu tnobody knew his blood-type.
I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.

Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow. I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.

Before going to bed, a little child asks his dad a question. "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'"?

The dad responds, saying "No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with 'If elected, I promise...'"

I had the best Dad moment last night... actual conversation with my 8 year old

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two. You have two, son.
Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!

The student has become the teacher.

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30, or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out.

She's very pleasant and a gracious winner.

They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys.

This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes, and grins. "When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned that I was ambidextrous." she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"

not for the easily offended - one of my favorites

Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."

So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.

Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"

Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.

After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.

She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."

Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"

On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."

They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.

"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."

"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.

"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.

She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."

So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.

After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.

"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.

Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"

"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."

Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."

"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you
must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother
crying.

Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your
Father."!!!

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and says: "Dad, I know everything."

Dad gives Johnny $100. "Don't tell Mom" he says.

Just then, the mailman knocks on the door. Johnny opens it and says. "I know everything, Mister."

The mailman drops all his mail, his eyes tear up and he says:

"Well then Johnny, come give Daddy a hug."

A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

15 minutes late..

A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One of them transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot. Finally, one man says ... Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem, and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 a.m. sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She's fun and pleasant, and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed.

They can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. They have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse, and finally, one of the men asks her, "How do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his Willie points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys says, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

Little Johnny came to class all beat up...

Teacher: What's wrong?

Johnny: Our house is very small, me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I'm sleeping,
I say "No" then he slaps my face & gives me a black eye.

Teacher: tonight when your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don't answer.

The following morning Johnny's teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness! Why the swelling?

Johnny: Dad asked me again me if I was sleeping. I shut up and kept dead still. Then my dad & mom start moving, mom was breathing heavy, kicking her legs up an making noises.

Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?"

Mom said, "Yes, I'm coming, are you coming too?"

Dad answered "Yes"

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said "Wait for me,
I'm coming too."

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American

She shares the joys of being a part of the greatest country in the world, and asks her students to raise their hands if they are or want to be American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I am not an American." says Kristen

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too." The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Kristen, "I'd be an American."

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

What’s the difference between me and cancer?

My dad didn’t beat cancer

Edit: thank you for the gold, 7k upvotes, and 8 followers
r/emojiliberationarmy GANG🤪🤪😋😋🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🤤🤤🥱🥱🤠🤠🤠🤠🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑😈😈😈

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”

The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”

The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”

When the dad gets home from work he says “Honey I have had the most insane day!”

The Mother says: “Me too! The postman died on the front yard!”

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing last night and that they aren't very comfortable.

He goes down to the kitchen to find his wife humming happily to herself and dancing around in her apron. Upon seeing her husband, she dances up to him and gives him a loving kiss, and says "go wait in the dining room. Breakfast will be ready soon!"

So he goes and waits in the dining room. The man's son is also sitting there. He quietly asks his son, "Hey, do you know what's up with mom?"

The boy looked up and said, "well dad do you remember coming home drunk last night? You were pretty out of it. You went upstairs and crawled in bed with mom. Well, you were still in your jeans and shirt and mom didn't think that was very comfortable so she decided to help you get undressed for bed. She couldn't though, because every time she tugged on your shirt, you would push her away and yell 'get off me lady! I'm married!'"

An Arab student studying in Germany wrote a letter to his dad

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

The new father

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."

"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."

A son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

EDIT: Wow, first time front page for me! Thank you all for the karma!

EDIT: Yes, this is a repost.

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

edit: yes, I know it's an awful dad joke, but it happened on the fly and its the greatest thing i've ever accomplished, so please, let me have it.

Dad Jokes