Dad Jokes


Funniest Dad Jokes

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?

Score: 29416

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

Score: 22674

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 22302

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Score: 22119

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Score: 21210

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Score: 20292
Funny Dad Jokes
Score: 19023

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Score: 18979

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

Score: 18680

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Score: 18591

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

White people are always annoyed that only black people can say the n word, but white people have some phrases only they can say too Things like “Hi Dad!” and “Thanks for the warning, officer.”

Score: 17572

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Score: 17302

Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?" Father: "Ask your sister.”

Daughter: "I don't have a si-"

Score: 16080

My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?” “We’ve updated our privacy policy”

Score: 15909

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."

"Yes son?"

"Did you ever get shot in the army?"

He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;

"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Score: 13543

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."

"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."

"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

Score: 11811

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Score: 10462

Asked My Parents if I was an accident Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Score: 10387

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Score: 10039

"Dad. Are we pyromaniacs?" "Yes, we arson."

Score: 9504

I want to be a millionaire just like my dad!! “Wow, your dad’s a millionaire?”
“No, but he always wanted to be.”

Score: 8970

Dad: Son, you're adopted. Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are.

Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.

Score: 8101

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 7210

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.

Score: 7042

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

Score: 6968

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

Score: 6766

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Score: 6711

[Dad Jokes] 3 guys are on a boat with 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Score: 6628

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.” I know he means well.

Score: 1411

A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

Score: 455

Classic dad joke, but in bad taste So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(

Score: 285

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?” The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.
Then the son said “But I only see two.”

Score: 215

What's the difference between my dad and other dads? Beats me.

Score: 200

Your dad is in prison and he's got a stutter. He's never going to finish his sentence.

Score: 160

What is a black dad's favorite animal? Bison

Score: 106

Today my daughter asked me, "Dad, how do stars die?" I replied , "Usually an overdose."

Score: 57

I think same gender couples should not be able to get kids. No matter how good they are, having 2 dads forces the poor kids to deal with TWICE the dad jokes. Having 2 mom's isn't much better, they're all gonna end up in an "Ask your mom" loop

Score: 54

My first memory occurred 9 months before I was born... ...I remember going to this party with my dad but then i went home with my mom.

Score: 52

New Dad Jokes

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes? Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

Score: 23

It's never okay to say to your adopted child "I'm not your real dad". That's a faux pa.

Score: 9

What did my dad say when I wet the bed? Urine trouble.

Score: 7

My dad was getting a prostate exam. He asked the doctor, "Where should I put my pants during the exam?" "Just toss them in the corner" replied the doctor, "Right next to mine."

Score: 6

I want to lose my virginity just like my mom did On prom night, to my dad.

Score: 14

My girlfriend looks just like her mother when she does her makeup the right way I could make myself look like my dad, but I don't have any vanishing cream

Score: 9

I teased my dad about being bald, so he told me he was going to draw lots of rabbits on his head. From a distance they will look like hares.

Score: 15

Why couldn't a transgender man see his mom and dad after he came out to his family? Because they became transparents

Score: 18

Son in Iraq i killed 20 people. Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic.

Dad: Never said I was a good one.

Score: 45

Bin Laden's kid comes sad from school "Dad i got an F in Geography class"

"Why is that?"

"The teacher asked me what's the tallest building in New York and i said Empire State Building"

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies

"Let dad handle this one."

Score: 14

I asked my amputee daughter if she could guess what we’re having for dinner tonight She replied “i don’t know Dad, Im stumped”

Score: 8

A little boy walks into the living room and catches his dad jerking off... Kid yells "ewww!"

Dad says "oh whatever, you'll be doing this soon yourself."

"No I won't!" yells back the kid.

"Oh yes you will, my arm is getting tired."

Score: 11

My 5 y/old daughter told me no more Dad Jokes. I told her that the only Dad Joke around here is You.

Score: 7

As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

Score: 18

My dad kept on warning everyone the titanic was gonna sink, but no one listened to him. Finally, they had enough of him and kicked him out the theater.

Score: 7

Ben was at home looking for his super cool amazingly fantastic awesome dad When it was clear his dad wasn't inside sitting, he went to the window and saw....

That his dad was outstanding

Score: 8

I’d like to die peacefully in my sleep like my dad did. But not like the children in the school bus with him.

Score: 21

A programmer's wife is having a baby. The doctor hands over the baby to the dad. The mom asks: "Is it a boy or a girl?" The programmer responds: "Yes, that's true".

Score: 12

I'm getting worried about getting older. My dad died when was only 42. Then I chill when I remember getting murdered by a hooker isn't genetic.

Score: 15

My dad always told me,"son if you jack off to much youll go blind." I said, “Dad, I’m over here.”

Score: 26

My dad’s Mexican and my mom’s Canadian... But I don’t wanna taco boot it

Score: 6

For Fathers Day I took my Dad out. It only took seven bullets.

Score: 6

My dad is a geologist and has been dating rocks for years... His best advice is to just be gneiss and try not to be a little schist.

Score: 9

A son asks his dad:"Dad, why is my sisters name Rose?" The dad answers: "Well it's because on our first date, I gave your mother roses, and she has loved them ever since."

Son: "Wow, thanks dad!"

Dad: "No problem, Bj."

Score: 11

I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin. It was £30 but cheaper than a funeral

Score: 46

My dad text me saying, "Don't try to be someone you're not." It hurt when he added, "Oops, forgot the comma after 'someone'."

Score: 6

I think my dad wants me to be more at one with nature. He keeps driving me way out into the woods and leaving me there.

Score: 8

I liked to pretend my dad was a superhero He was always the invisible man...

Score: 21

I was breastfeeding out in public earlier today and I was getting a lot of strange looks. There are some things a dad just shouldn't do. Especially with someone else's child.

Score: 9

I like to think of my dad as a super hero Invisible man...

Score: 6

My dad asked me: "Son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?" I said "You're not fooling me again dad, a chair"

He answered "No, your dog died"

Score: 25

What does a dinosaur say when he hurts himself? Dino sore.

Please forgive me for the dad joke.

Score: 11

My dad said his first car had a Dual-55 air conditioning system. All you have to do is to roll down both of the windows and drive 55 miles an hour.

Score: 8

A father named his sons Rose and Fridge One day Rose asked his dad:- why did you call me like that? Her father answered that when she was born a rose petal fell on her forehead. Then fridge came and asked his father: BLUAEHHUEHUEHAWHAW?

Score: 14

Whats the best part of all dad jokes? The punchline is always a parent .

Score: 9

A son and a dad are talking Son: Why is the sky blue?

Dad: The same reason your eyes are blue.

Son: So the sky slept with the postman?

Score: 22

Before going to party my dad said, "Don't bring any girls home, tonight." That was pretty harsh I thought, considering my sister went with me.

Score: 27

How is my dad supposed to celebrate Fathers day When it's on a Sonday

Score: 13

What the difference between my dad and a police officer? I don't need to be black for my dad to beat me.

Score: 10

I've been in jail for less than an hour and I've already been raped twice! This is the LAST time I play monopoly with my dad

Score: 30

Son: Hey Dad, theres some guy collecting for the old folks home at the door Dad: Great! Give him Granny!

Score: 30

Little kid ask His dad: daddy what is MACHO? Dad:
its a person who is in charge, makes desicions, gives orders and everyone around obeys those orders.
When I grow up I want to be a real macho just like Mom.

Score: 10

I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."

Score: 12

I was playing frisbee with my dad today... I was playing frisbee with my dad today and was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Score: 19

What does a young girl from Arkansas say just before she loses her virginity? "Careful, dad, don't crush my smokes."

Score: 37

What's the difference between LSD and my dad? LSD doesn't need to be drunk to hit me.

Score: 7

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

Do you know why I only date black girls? Because I hate the awkwardness of meeting a girlfriend's dad

Score: 32

Did you know Kim Khardashian's dad was a member of OJ Simpsons legal team? So the whole family has a history of getting black guys off

Score: 9

Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes. At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.

Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..

I should be ashamed.

Score: 21

Gift before the Prom "I'm ready for my first prom daddy"

"Here, take this box son... And don't make the mistake I made"

"Whats in the box dad"


Score: 5

What can a White person say to another White person that a Black person can't say to another Black person? "Hi dad"

Score: 6

My daughter can be so cruel... Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Me: I don't know, what?

Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!

Score: 15

My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal "I remember a time when Harass was two words.

Score: 10

What would Joan Rivers be doing if she was alive right now?! Scratching at the inside of her coffin.

Courtesy of my dad.

Score: 25

A stormtrooper sits down to have dinner with his family... His son asks him "dad what is this we are eating?"
The stromtrooper replies "Baby wookie steaks. How is it?"
His sons says "It's a little chewy."

Score: 16

My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.

Score: 24

What did the Mexican firefighter name his 2 sons? Jose and Josb

Joke my dad told me a long time ago, although I know he didn't create it

Score: 5

Lebron's life is like one big compass... He went South, His hairline went North, his dad went East and his mom went Delonte West.

Score: 6

My dad's prostate exam joke I got a little worried when I noticed hands on both my shoulders.

Score: 5

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