Dad Jokes

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Funniest Dad Jokes

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

Score: 22674

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

Score: 22302

My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing. So I took down his confederate flag.

Score: 22119

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Score: 20292
Funny Dad Jokes
Score: 19023

"Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"

"Thanks dad !"

"No problem Alan"

Score: 18979

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

Score: 18680

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Score: 18591

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

Edit: *Alleged* contribution of $1 million. Also, thank you kind gilder

Score: 17577

(My first dad joke) Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in

Me: yeah he is really milking it

Edit: wow this blew up!
thanks for the gold!!!

Score: 17402

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

Score: 17302

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo! Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

Score: 17084

People ask me where I store all my dad jokes. In a dad-a-base

Score: 15182

My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" **Wife:** whatever means necessary.

**Me:** No it doesn't.

Score: 14210

A boy and his dad are talking. "Hey Dad."



"Yes son?"



"Did you ever get shot in the army?"



He looks at his son in silence. Tears start to form in the Dad's eyes, and he quietly replies;



"No, but I was shot in the leggy."

Score: 13543

My 7 y/o niece just dad joked me. **Her:** "Do you know any jokes?"

**Me:** "No."

**Her:** "I'll teach you one."


"Knock! Knock!"

**Me:** "Who's there?"

**Her:** "Ash."


"Now ask, Ash: who?"

**Me:** "Ash: who?"

**Her:** "Please cover your mouth when you sneeze."

**Me: rekt**

Score: 11811

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Score: 10039

I love dad jokes WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements... First: I'm pregnant.

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 7210

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing. So i took down his confederate flag.

Score: 7042

My dad always told me he never made the same mistake twice Must be why I'm an only child

Edit: First time on front page thanks guys!

Score: 6766

How much does Santa's sleigh cost? $0, it's on the house.

Score: 6731

My dad always said, "Work until your bank account looks like a phone number" so I did. Account balance: $9.11

Score: 6711

Losing my virginity was like how I learned to ride a bike My dad having a firm grip on my shoulders

Score: 6558

“Dad..I have an imaginary girlfriend.” His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?”

“Thanks dad. That means a lot.”

“I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

Score: 5886

I used to tell dad jokes. He's dead now though.

Score: 5806

Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

Score: 5103

My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born the day before. He told me: "Maybe they'll marry each other." As if my son is going to marry someone twice his age...

Score: 4683

Just a Dad Joke Wife:Hey Honey, I’m Pregnant

Husband:Hey Pregnant, I’m Dad

Wife:No you’re not

Score: 4017

When does a dad joke become a dad joke? When it's fully groan.

Score: 4007

Just another dad joke WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 3229

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent.

Score: 3197

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me. "Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

Score: 3196

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs

Score: 2829

My dad has a pencil that was once owned by Shakespeare. It's so chewed up that we can't tell if it's 2b or not 2b.

Score: 2607

I don't always tell dad jokes But when I do, he laughs.


Bonus: my dad says I'm the only joke he'll ever need.

Score: 2449

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

Score: 2329

Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday He buried someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake.

Score: 2238

Dad joke warning ⚠ Knock, knock...
Who's there?
Cargo.
Cargo who?
Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

I warned you.

Score: 2214

A dad is given bad news by a doctor Doctor: Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards.

Dad: AND?

Score: 2010

Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre

Score: 1983

Dad my girlfriends pregnant "Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant."

"I'm not mad, just disappointed."

"Hi disappointed, I'm dad."

"Did you jus..."

"Yes."

"You're ready."

"I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad."

Score: 1941

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New Dad Jokes

My dad once told me a joke about unstamped letters I never got it though.

Score: 108

Dad Joke What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

A can't opener

Score: 114

My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing. I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.

All the signs where there.

Score: 184

"How come your dad always has a belt on hand?" "Beats me"

Score: 62

A little boy kills a butterfly and his dad says, no butter for 2 weeks. He kills a honeybee and his dad says, no honey for two weeks. His mother kills a cockroach. He looks at his dad and says, are you going to tell her or should I?

Score: 46

WHAT DID THE DAD SAY WHEN HE PUT THE CAR IN REVERSE?! Man this takes me back.

Score: 90

When does a bad joke turn into a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent

Score: 76

When I was in high school, my dad f*cked my teacher repeatedly for better grades in my math class. Thank god im homeschooled or that could have been wierd

Score: 56

Girlfriend: Oh no how am I gonna tell dad I’m pregnant? Me: Leave that to me

*later at dinner*

Her dad: *coughs* I need water

Me: Oh no! Grandpa needs water!

Score: 470

I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses" "And then we'll see."

Score: 1534

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said... “You know, one would’ve been enough!”

Score: 180

What does orange juice and my dad have in common? They both slap harder when mixed with alcohol.

Score: 81

Teacher: Why are you late? Student: My dad is in the hospital

*1 week later*

Teacher: Is your dad still in the hospital?

Student: Yes, he is a doctor

Score: 293

A kid wanted to be a man so asked his father. Son: Dad who is a man ?

Dad: A person that takes care of his family.

Son: One day i'm gonna become a man just like mom

Score: 66

I don’t often tell dad jokes... Because I haven’t see him in 15 years.

Score: 78

Doctor: "I'll be delivering your baby" Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"

Score: 159

My son calling me dad was my breaking point I finally shaved my legs

Score: 61

My dad is moving to a Spanish city Ciudad

Score: 42

My dad used to say "when one door closes another one opens" He's a great man... Rubbish cabinet maker though.

Score: 604

My dad said he'd delete my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty quickly... but now I'm losing Steam.

Score: 223

It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now But I wanted to be transparent.

Score: 190

A child asked his dad," how are coins made". The dad said," They are made at a mint with a press".

Then the child responded," That makes cents".

Score: 106

My dad is a social distancing champion!!! I havent seen him since 2005

Score: 505

Lock down isn't so bad if all the stores close. My dad will finally have to come back from getting cigarettes, he has been gone since 1983.

Score: 119

My dad called. He said he's coming back home after all this years. The Boomer Rang

Score: 161

I handed my dad his 50th birthday card With tears in his eyes he says

One would've been enough.

Score: 350

I got my dad a mathematician/prostitute for his birthday. it's the thot that counts.

Score: 284

The other day I asked my mom how many 'a couple' was, "Two or three" she said.

I think I get why her and my dad got divorced now..

Score: 48

Me : Alexa where is my dad? Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas

Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me

Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.

Score: 98

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said You know, one would've been enough.

Score: 61

I really enjoy telling Dad Jokes Sometimes he laughs.

Score: 201

I was named after my dad Because I couldn’t have possibly been named before him

Score: 594

Where do little jokes come from? Well, a dad joke meets yo momma joke at a bar and then they knock knock.

Score: 778

Did you hear what happened to the kid who kept getting electrocuted?.. His dad finally grounded him


.

Score: 51

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit" He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

Score: 341

Dad Jokes are great and here's why: Why.

Score: 52

A dad was washing his car with his son After awhile, the son turned to his dad and said "Hey dad, why can't we use a sponge?"

Score: 134

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other? Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

Score: 338

My girlfriend is a half-Korean Her mom is Korean and her dad is Korean and her legs got ripped off in a car accident.

Score: 123

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes a-parent

Score: 52

A boy asks his dad to explain the solar eclipse, His father replies,

‘No son’.

Score: 73

My dad told me once, Son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right. I saw my dad.

Score: 155

A son and daughter walk up to their father. Son: Dad which one of us do you love more?
Father: My love for you is like communism.
Daughter: So equally?
Father: No, it collapsed 40 years ago.

Score: 286

Did you know they don't have dad jokes in Egypt? They are called mummy jokes.

Score: 65

My dad is an avid bottle collector. Well it sounds better than alcoholic.

Score: 50

I'm going to tell a Dad joke. Hi, going to tell a Dad joke! I'm Dad!

Score: 40

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’ Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Score: 85

I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!

Score: 42

Son: Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Dad: No sun

Score: 51

A pack of geese is a gaggle But a pack of camels is why my dad never came back

Score: 149

My dad asked me which Metallica songs I know I told him I only know one and nothing else matters.

Score: 121

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes? Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

Score: 124

A girl is pregnant She says to her dad,” Dad I’m pregnant.”
The dad says,” Hi pregnant, I’m Dad.”
The girl replies,”Yeah, you are.”

Score: 87

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin "9.57$? Why do you need 11.48$?"

Score: 709

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there

Score: 45

My dad always told me to find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and marry her. She knows how to make bad decisions and stick to them.

Score: 84

My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one... Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?

Me: No clue, son

Son: An ele-Vader, ha!

Score: 55

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him ...what a faux pa.

Score: 57

Like my Dad used to say to me "One man’s trash is another man’s treasure" Wonderful saying but a terrible way to find out you were adopted.

Score: 280

What did the staircase say when I climbed it? Nothing.




It just staired.


(Actually kind of proud of this one, entirely original dad joke)

Score: 132

My mom and dad were both dwarfs All their lives they struggled to put food on the table

Score: 72

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