My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog
I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
Me: "Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me: "Still in training, huh?"
Policeman: "What do you mean?"
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.
Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.
Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.
I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.
I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...
The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The man asks why.
I knew I shouldn't have taken my dog to the blacksmith As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door
What does a healthy dog and a blind gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you" I'm still trying to teach my dad.
I named my first dog "What". Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."
I asked the librarian if they had the book about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog... She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed? A dooberman.
Today I chopped up Onion for dinner and it made me cry. I guess it's true that you grow an attachment to an animal after you give it a name He was a good dog
What do you do as a Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist? You stay up all night questioning the existence of a dog.
I got a new female dog today Her name is Karma
what does your dog and anne frank have in common? an average lifespan of 15 years
Hey, did you see that movie about a hot-dog ? It was an oscar wiener.
It's incredible; the way she looks up at me with her beautiful hazel eyee, how she cries for me when I leave, how soft she feels against my skin and most importantly, how she's not afraid to get frisky when we're in bed together. I really love my dog.
A man and his son walk into a zoo and the only animal is a dog The man looks to his son and says "this is a ShihTzu"
Making a dog happy is so easy It's a walk in the park.
My girlfriend and I were arguing a lot about what to name our dog. After not agreeing with each other for a long time, we decided to call it a-day.
My dog has just had two babies. That's the last time I take a Pitbull for a walk in public.
I saw a blind man in the GroceryStore today and he was swinging his guide dog around his head. I asked “what are you doing” he’s reply “Just having a quick look around”.
My wife said she's going to start calling our dogs Dog 1 and Dog 2.
I replied with, "That's mean, do you want me to call you Wife 1?"
She asked, "Why do I have to be Wife 1?"
I asked her, "Would you rather be Wife 2?"
Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!
Where'd Fozzie Bear take his dog? on a ***WAKKA WAKKA***
I baked a dog shaped dough in a local baking competition It was pure-bread.
What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog? Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.
My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing, But all it does is pants.
My dog's name is Butter. one day, I went outside and accidentally stepped on his testicles. Anybody want some butter nut squash?
We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?
Some say a hot dog tastes better when flattened like a pancake Quite frankly, that’s balogna.
My dog ate my computer science project
"your dog ate your coding assignment?"
It took him a couple bytes
What did the Buddhist say when he walked up to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything
What's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead dog on the road? The skid marks in front of the dog.
I'm a bit of a wizard when it comes to talking to animals. I have a dog called woof. I asked him it's name, and it said woof. I have a cat called meow, because it said meow when I asked her name. And I have a parrot called Whatsyourname.
My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.
I should put my dog on a diet... He is getting a little husky
How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”
If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.
How do they call dog cakes in Turkey? Barklava.
We have to bury my dog today.
Mom: Don't be sad. All dogs go to heaven.
Me: Thanks mom. Where does updog go?
Mom: What's up dog?
Me: Not much dog. Just looking for a shovel.
Who is my dog's favorite president?
NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.
But then it won't be funny.
...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.
Did you hear about the dog which had puppies on the side of the road? It was arrested for littering!!
My dad asked me: "Son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?"
I said "You're not fooling me again dad, a chair"
He answered "No, your dog died"
What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker? You can feed one to your dog
TIL Hellen Keller owned a dog. Did you know that? Neither did she.
Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one? A retail store.
As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep. I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.
There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer.
What did the Dog say to the Chipmunk? Woof.
I don’t mind that my wife thinks I’m crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.
Baught a dog from a blacksmith yesterday As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.
Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites? Said every dog ever.
What kind of dog do IT people prefer? A Dobie
I tried to use the bury a dog above a body trick the graveyard employee didnt let me
Why did the boy name his dog Hamlet? Because it was a Great Dane.
What type of dog is always amazed? A Chi-WOW!-ua
Where do you put a hot dog? On a pun.
What did Buddha say to the hot dog stand vendor? Make me one with everything
What do women and dog poo have in common?
The older they are, the easier they get to pick up.
(compliments of BloodHoundGang's "3.14")
I cried when my Dad chopped up onion... Onion was a good dog...
My dog's got no legs, I call him cigarette ...... Because every night I take him out for a drag.
A dog in a bar joke A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
Why is Hellen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog is blind too
What do you call a dog with a lot of friends? Pawpular!
A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"
Did you know that 90% of all dog in South Korea are inbred? Most commonly it's whole wheat or rye
If K-9 is a guard dog, a guard cat would be.... K-10.^^kitten
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?
Why did the cowboy adopt the weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy!