Dog Jokes

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Funniest Dog Jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Funny Dog Jokes
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I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog

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I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."

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drug-sniffing dog Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog

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Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

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I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat

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• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

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Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store

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Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

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Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog! Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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I recently bought a dog from a Blacksmith... And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door

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So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".

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I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.

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A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined... The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man asks why.

"He's heavy."

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What does a healthy dog and a blind gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you" I'm still trying to teach my dad.

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Where would you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it

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I named my first dog "What". Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

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I asked the librarian if they had the book about Schrodinger's cat and Pavlov's dog... She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug. Turns out my dog licked my sample.

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New Dog Jokes

I'm not saying my neighbor's dog is fat But she's more than a little husky.

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What do you get when you cross a dog and a bag of weed? A dooberman.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday Got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door.

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A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor The Monk says, "make me one with everything"

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Today I chopped up Onion for dinner and it made me cry. I guess it's true that you grow an attachment to an animal after you give it a name He was a good dog

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What do you do as a Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist? You stay up all night questioning the existence of a dog.

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I got a new female dog today Her name is Karma

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what does your dog and anne frank have in common? an average lifespan of 15 years

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Hey, did you see that movie about a hot-dog ? It was an oscar wiener.

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It's incredible; the way she looks up at me with her beautiful hazel eyee, how she cries for me when I leave, how soft she feels against my skin and most importantly, how she's not afraid to get frisky when we're in bed together. I really love my dog.

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A man and his son walk into a zoo and the only animal is a dog The man looks to his son and says "this is a ShihTzu"

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Making a dog happy is so easy It's a walk in the park.

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My dog has just had two babies. That's the last time I take a Pitbull for a walk in public.

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My dog just became a therapy dog! I’m so proud! He got his dogtorate!

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I saw a blind man in the GroceryStore today and he was swinging his guide dog around his head. I asked “what are you doing” he’s reply “Just having a quick look around”.

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I brought a dog from a blacksmith today... As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

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My wife said she's going to start calling our dogs Dog 1 and Dog 2. I replied with, "That's mean, do you want me to call you Wife 1?"

She asked, "Why do I have to be Wife 1?"

I asked her, "Would you rather be Wife 2?"

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What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog? Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

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What do a dog and a short-sighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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My dog's name is Butter. one day, I went outside and accidentally stepped on his testicles. Anybody want some butter nut squash?

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We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

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Some say a hot dog tastes better when flattened like a pancake Quite frankly, that’s balogna.

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What did the Buddhist say when he walked up to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything

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My dog got into my leftover Chinese food It’s a dog eat dog world out there

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday As soon as we got home, it made a bolt for the door.

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The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand and he says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

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If Snoop Dog dies before marijuana becomes legal in the States He'll be rolling in his grave.

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I should put my dog on a diet... He is getting a little husky

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How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

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My Partner's Dog died this morning To cheer her up, I went out to get her an identical one.

She was fuming, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?!"

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If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.

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I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

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how do you cheer up a dog that's lost its tail? retail therapy

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How do they call dog cakes in Turkey? Barklava.

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Who is my dog's favorite president? Bark Obam—

NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.

But then it won't be funny.

STEVE.

...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.

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A German shepherd peed outside my house yesterday... Next week, he's bringing his dog

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My dad asked me: "Son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?" I said "You're not fooling me again dad, a chair"

He answered "No, your dog died"

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Yesterday, when my girlfriend came home, I said:: "Hi, Sweetie! I've got another riddle for you. What has four legs, and doesn't move?"
She answered: "That's easy... A chair!"
-"Wrong! It's your sweet Corgi-dog..."

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How do you know if someone adopted their dog? Don't worry they will tell you

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Every morning this week a German Shepherd has been taking a dump on my lawn Yesterday he brought his dog.

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What happens when you listen to country music backwards? You get your wife, your house, and your dog back.

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You know those weird cat-dog things in Undertale?... I could never understand tem

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What do you call a dog kennel in San Francisco? Luxury apartments

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A cat and dog stand next to a broken case. Who did it? The Russians.

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What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker? You can feed one to your dog

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TIL Hellen Keller owned a dog. Did you know that? Neither did she.

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Where'd the dog who lost his tail go to get a new one? A retail store.

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As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep. I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.

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What do you call a dog owned by Donald Trump? A trumpet.

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There's this dog teaching me some new dance moves. He's a corgi-ographer.

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What did the Dog say to the Chipmunk? Woof.

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I don’t mind that my wife thinks I’m crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.

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Baught a dog from a blacksmith yesterday As soon as we got home it made a bolt for the door.

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What did Buddha say to the hot dog stand vendor? Make me one with everything

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My dog's got no legs, I call him cigarette ...... Because every night I take him out for a drag.

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There is a dog in the front yard licking himself. Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is licking himself.

First man, "I wish I could do that."

Second man, "That dog would bite you!"

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A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vender and says.. "Make me one with everything"

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Why is Hellen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog is blind too

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A Presbyterian, a lawyer, a blonde, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

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If K-9 is a guard dog, a guard cat would be.... K-10.^^kitten

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