Dog Jokes

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Funniest Dog Jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Funny Dog Jokes
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I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog

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I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."

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drug-sniffing dog Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog

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Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

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I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat

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• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

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Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store

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Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

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Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog! Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

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“Hey son, what has four legs and doesn’t breathe?” Son: “Haha you can’t fool me this time dad! A chair.”


Dad: “No son, our dog died.”

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A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined... The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man asks why.

"He's heavy."

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A police officer with a drug dog approaches a man and says, "this dog tells me you’re on drugs…" To which the man responds, "I’m on drugs?!? You’re the only talking to a dog!"

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Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

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What does a healthy dog and a blind gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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I named my first dog "What". Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

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Translated from danish: 2 drunk sits in a bar. One says: My dog keeps chasing people on a bicycle.....



The other guy things for a bit then replies: Then why don't you take the bicycle from it?.... (c:

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Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend? Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...


Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

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I once bought a dog from a blacksmith As soon as we got home, he tried to make a bolt for the door

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New Dog Jokes

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

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My girlfriend's dog just died, so I got her an identical one to cheer her up. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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What do you do as a Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist? You stay up all night questioning the existence of a dog.

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I got a new female dog today Her name is Karma

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So my dog used to chase people on a bike all thr time. It got so bad I had to take away his bike

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A man and his son walk into a zoo and the only animal is a dog The man looks to his son and says "this is a ShihTzu"

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Making a dog happy is so easy It's a walk in the park.

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What's a drug dealer's favourite type of dog? A meth lab.

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I saw a blind man in the GroceryStore today and he was swinging his guide dog around his head. I asked “what are you doing” he’s reply “Just having a quick look around”.

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I brought a dog from a blacksmith today... As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

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My wife said she's going to start calling our dogs Dog 1 and Dog 2. I replied with, "That's mean, do you want me to call you Wife 1?"

She asked, "Why do I have to be Wife 1?"

I asked her, "Would you rather be Wife 2?"

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Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

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What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog? Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

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What do a dog and a short-sighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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What do Barcelona FC and a dog walker with Parkinson's have in common? They can't hold a lead.

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We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

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What do you call a chinese dog that is running? Fast food.

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You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat? He didn’t believe in dog.

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My dog sat watching the orchestra play... My dog sat watching the orchestra play, he was staring at the conductor and I could see what he was thinking ... for f\*\*\*s sake ..Just throw the f\*\*\*ng thing.”

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What do you call a very strong, yet adorable dog? A puggernaut.

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I remember growing up so poor, dad was cutting up onions and we were all crying.... ...Onions was such a good dog.

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A ghost of a dog walks into a bar. He tells the story of how he was shot to bits and lost his tail. After asking if there was anyone to sew it back on the barman replied... "I'm sorry, we don't retail spirits here"

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Did you hear about the Vietnamese man who won the lottery and was reunited with his lost dog on the very same day? It was a Nguyen- Nguyen situation.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday As soon as we got home, it made a bolt for the door.

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The Buddha walks up to a hot dog stand and he says to the vendor, "Make me one with everything."

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If Snoop Dog dies before marijuana becomes legal in the States He'll be rolling in his grave.

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I tried to play frisbee with my dog this morning. It didn't work. Need a flatter dog

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How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

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Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts.. One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"

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My Partner's Dog died this morning To cheer her up, I went out to get her an identical one.

She was fuming, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?!"

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If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.

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I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

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how do you cheer up a dog that's lost its tail? retail therapy

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How do they call dog cakes in Turkey? Barklava.

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I refuse to take my dog on road trips any more He can be such a bark seat driver

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What did the buddhist say when he went to the hog dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

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Who is my dog's favorite president? Bark Obam—

NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.

But then it won't be funny.

STEVE.

...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.

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I was throwing a ball with my dog when Superman came around and threw it. Sounds pretty far fetched.

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My neighbor is both a taxidermist and a veterinarian He has a sign that says either way you get your dog back

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What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker? You can feed one to your dog

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TIL Hellen Keller owned a dog. Did you know that? Neither did she.

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As a farmer I've heard lots of jokes about sheep. I told them to my dog but he'd heard them all.

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the vet told me hes going to have to put my dog down i said why whats wrong with him... he said nothing my arms are aching

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A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand... and says, "Make me one with everything."

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An overweight woman decided to start walking her dog to get exercise... She stopped after realizing the effort it took to steer her scooter.

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What did Buddha say to the hot dog stand vendor? Make me one with everything

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My dog's got no legs, I call him cigarette ...... Because every night I take him out for a drag.

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There is a dog in the front yard licking himself. Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is licking himself.

First man, "I wish I could do that."

Second man, "That dog would bite you!"

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A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vender and says.. "Make me one with everything"

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Why is Hellen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog is blind too

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A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." ~~~

So he pays for his meal and asks for his change.

The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, "Change comes from within."

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What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going to come.

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Did you hear about the dog that's become the first to officially own pieces of art? He's the first dog to be able to lick his own Pollocks

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If K-9 is a guard dog, a guard cat would be.... K-10.^^kitten

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How good are Tesco's meatballs? They're the dog's bollocks!

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What do you say to a handicapped dog? Down Syndrome, down!

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What happens if you play a country song backward? You get your house back, your dog back, your wife back, and you sober up.

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What do you call a dog on a U-boat? A *sub-woofer*.

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When you hear "I do not love you but we can be friends" it's like... your mother says "Your dog died but you can keep it".

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What do you call a dog riding in a submarine? A subwoofer.

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