My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?”
“You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”
“Not this time, your dog died.”
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog
I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.
I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."
Me: "Sweet dog you got there"
Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."
Me: "Still in training, huh?"
Policeman: "What do you mean?"
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.
I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.
I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’
I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.
My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat
• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*
What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died."
Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store
Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.
Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.
I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.
I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.
Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.
I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
Ex girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.. They will kill your dog.
A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."
A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?"
"You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"
"Not this time, your dog died."
I have a pet tree... It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
Your dog loves you more than your wife does. Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.
*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show? A Cat-Has-Trophey!
Three blondes found some tracks...
The first blonde said, "Those are bear tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, those are deer tracks!"
The third blonde said, "No those are dog tracks!"
And that was when the train hit them.
What do you get when you combine insomnia, dyslexia and agnosticism?
Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.
Edit: A word
What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't bother calling it, it won't come
Totally sick of idiots letting fireworks off early, it’s still October for goodness sake!!! Dog is going mad and keeps knocking the Christmas tree over!
I knew I shouldn't have taken my dog to the blacksmith As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door
I went to a zoo where there was only one animal and it was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Bad experience buying a dog from a Blacksmith as soon as i got him home he made a bolt for the door.
As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused"... Then I realized I was watching a dog chasing his tail.
A guy asked an officer “why is a dog called a K9?” “Because if its K10, it’ll be a cat”
A dog walks into a pub, and takes a seat.
He says to the barman, "Can I have a pint of lager and a packet of crisps please".
The barman says, "Wow, that's amazing! You should join the circus!"
The dog replies, "Why? Do they need electricians?"
Two men and a dog sitting out on the porch.
The dog is licking itself.
One man says to the other, "I wish I could do that!" He responds "he'll bite you."
A man goes to a zoo and is disappointed to find it has only one animal, a dog It's a Shih Tzu.
I named my dog 6 miles so i can tell people that i walk 6 miles every single day.
I was crying as my dad chopped up onions... He was a really good dog.
I told my girlfriend that if she wanted her Hersheys bar she had to bark like a dog After she did it, I proceeded to eat it explaining that chocolate wasn't good for dogs.
I tried to take my dog to the gym once But it didn't work out
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
My New Dog
I bought a dog from a blacksmith today...
...As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
Which side of a dog has the most hair? The outside
I cried when my dad chopped onions. Onions was a good dog.
Crazy exes are like a box of chocolates They'll kill your dog
I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.
As a kid I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog
A wise Asian man once said.... If a dog is barking, you know it's undercooked
What's half fruit, half dog and is rather sad?
A Melon Collie.
...I'll get my coat.
I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got home he made a bolt for the door.
I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.
A crocodile and a dog meet.
The croc looks at the dog with disdain and says: "Hey, flea bag!"
The dog looks back at the croc and says: "Hey, hand bag!"
The Jetsons gave me unrealistic expectations for the future as a child Like having a wife who loves me and owning a dog
"You treat me like a dog," said my wife....
"We need to sit and talk about it right now," she continued.
"Ok," I replied, "but not on the sofa."
my dog is training to be a blacksmith every now and then he'll make a bolt for the door
I decided to be naked in front of my dog for the first time today. He didn't even notice. I'm pretty sure the vet did, though.
What do a dead dog and a dead tree have in common? No more bark :/
My son wants to name our next dog Naked This way he can tell his friends he walked Naked around the block
I went to a library and asked for a book on pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat The librarian said,"That rings a bell, but I'm not sure whether it is here or not."
A man walks into a zoo
But he finds no animals, except a dog. He finds a zookeeper and asks him, "what's so special about this dog that you guys got rid of the other animals?"
The zookeeper replies, "Nothing, it's just a shitzu."
What's the best way of determining who loves you more - your wife or your dog? Lock them both in your car, unlock it after 4 hours and see which one is happy to see you
A dog goes into a bar
and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often...”
The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
For my graduating class' 20th reunion, we're digging up our time capsule from freshman year I cant wait to see how big my dog Sparky got
It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog So I booked a United flight instead
My dog can do magic tricks... He's an Abracadabrador.
I cried as my dad chopped up onions. Onions was a good dog.
Breastfeeding in public is natural. And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
Why do blind people hate skydiving? Scares the dog.
I got a dog with no legs..... I call him cigarette because I take him for a drag every night.
The first dog in space died due to stress. Must have been from all of the vacuums.
A mate told me that he threw a stick over a mile and his dog caught and returned it. Seems pretty far fetched to me.
A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined...
The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
The man asks why.
[OC] My friend recently taught his dog how to say "I love you" I'm still trying to teach my dad.
I bought the wife a Pug dog yesterday. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat The dog seemed to like her
I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.
A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks... it's not cooked well enough."
My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.
What's the difference between a priest and a dog? One wears pants and a collar, the other wears a collar and pants
What's the difference between a priest and his dog? One wears pants and a collar while the other wears a collar and pants.
Going to mass is basically just like a dog being trained A guy tells you to sit and stand and sit and stand, and at the end they give you a snack
I named my dog Shark to make him sound tough... For some reason, people go into a panic when he runs off on the beach.
My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
A cop just knocked on my front door.
He told me my dog was chasing someone on a bike.
Told the cop it wasn't my dog, he doesnt even own a bike.
So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them "It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike".
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog It was a shitzu.
What does a healthy dog and a blind gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.