Dog Jokes

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Funniest Dog Jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Funny Dog Jokes
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I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog

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I need to re-home a dog. It's a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get it for you.

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I'll never forget my dog's last words "You've taken too much acid."

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drug-sniffing dog Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog

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Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

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I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

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My child doesn't eat meat, what to substitute it with? A dog, dogs eat meat

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• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

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Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store

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Crazy girlfriends are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

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Courtesy of my 6 year old - Where did fozzy bear take his dog? For a walka walka walka

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog! Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious that she thought her cat could understand her.

I came to my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.

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A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

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So a cop knocked on my door this morning. He asked, 'sir we believe your dog has been chasing a boy up the road on his bike.'

I replied, 'sorry officer, you must have the wrong house. My dog doesn't own a bike.'

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how do you know asians have broken into your home? the dog is gone, the homework is done and they're still trying to get out of the driveway

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“Hey son, what has four legs and doesn’t breathe?” Son: “Haha you can’t fool me this time dad! A chair.”


Dad: “No son, our dog died.”

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I just bought a dog from the town blacksmith When I took it home, it made a bolt for the door.

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A wise Chinese monk once said, "If the dog barks... it's not cooked well enough."

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I went to the Zoo the other day, but all it had was one dog. It was a shitzu.

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Momma always said police are like a box of chocolates... They'll kill your dog.

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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

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What does a healthy dog and a blind gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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New Dog Jokes

A man broke into Battersea Dog's Home and released all the dogs. Police are desperately searching for leads.

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What do you do as a Dyslexic Insomniac Atheist? You stay up all night questioning the existence of a dog.

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I got a new female dog today Her name is Karma

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So my dog used to chase people on a bike all thr time. It got so bad I had to take away his bike

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A man and his son walk into a zoo and the only animal is a dog The man looks to his son and says "this is a ShihTzu"

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Making a dog happy is so easy It's a walk in the park.

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What's a drug dealer's favourite type of dog? A meth lab.

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I saw a blind man in the GroceryStore today and he was swinging his guide dog around his head. I asked “what are you doing” he’s reply “Just having a quick look around”.

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I brought a dog from a blacksmith today... As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

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My wife said she's going to start calling our dogs Dog 1 and Dog 2. I replied with, "That's mean, do you want me to call you Wife 1?"

She asked, "Why do I have to be Wife 1?"

I asked her, "Would you rather be Wife 2?"

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Which makes a better Doctor? A cat or a dog? of course its Cats! Dog's can't even run an MRI. But Cat's can!

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What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog? Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

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What do a dog and a short-sighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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What do Barcelona FC and a dog walker with Parkinson's have in common? They can't hold a lead.

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We’ve all heard about the dog that walks into a bar But have you heard the one about the baby seal that walks into a club?

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What do you call a chinese dog that is running? Fast food.

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You hear of that dyslexic atheist cat? He didn’t believe in dog.

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My dog sat watching the orchestra play... My dog sat watching the orchestra play, he was staring at the conductor and I could see what he was thinking ... for f\*\*\*s sake ..Just throw the f\*\*\*ng thing.”

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I remember growing up so poor, dad was cutting up onions and we were all crying.... ...Onions was such a good dog.

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I once bought a dog from a blacksmith As soon as we got home, he tried to make a bolt for the door

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Did you hear about the Vietnamese man who won the lottery and was reunited with his lost dog on the very same day? It was a Nguyen- Nguyen situation.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday As soon as we got home, it made a bolt for the door.

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If Snoop Dog dies before marijuana becomes legal in the States He'll be rolling in his grave.

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I tried to play frisbee with my dog this morning. It didn't work. Need a flatter dog

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How does a German Shepherd greet you? “Guten dog!”

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Two cowboys sitting on a fence watching a dog lick his nuts.. One says to the other, "man I wish I could do that" then the other says, "doncha think you should at least pet him first"

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My Partner's Dog died this morning To cheer her up, I went out to get her an identical one.

She was fuming, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?!"

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If you crossed a dog and a bear together, what would you get? A dead dog.

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I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

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How do they call dog cakes in Turkey? Barklava.

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I refuse to take my dog on road trips any more He can be such a bark seat driver

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I was throwing a ball with my dog when Superman came around and threw it. Sounds pretty far fetched.

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Why didn't the client tip the server? Because they didn't have enough cache!

(Computer Science nerds unite! This is my original joke, I originally posted it on Imgflip last year with bad pun dog and it got a decent response.)

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My dog becomes even more adorable after five pints of beer. He starts stumbling everywhere and rolling around.

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An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates. It'll kill your dog

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Did you know that Hellen Keller had a dog? Neither did she.

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I think my new dog thinks he is a blacksmith As soon as I took him inside he made a bolt for the door

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What's the difference between chocolate and a dead hooker? You can feed one to your dog

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TIL Hellen Keller owned a dog. Did you know that? Neither did she.

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My dog hunted down and killed a lizard today... You could say it was his hunting inskinkt.

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Dad: "Hey son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?" Son: "Haha, you can't fool me again Dad! A chair!"
Dad: "Not this time, son. Our dog died."

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"Hey son what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

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Where does a dog go when his tail falls off? The retail store

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A joke from my 5 year old brother... Q: What has four legs but doesn't move?

A: A statue of a dog!

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I hate people who finds it disgusting when i breastfeed in public .. It's completely normal and strenghtens the bond between me and my dog.

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What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.

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An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates... ...they'll both kill your dog

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When I get a dog I am going to name it syndrome Because when he jumps up on me I can shout "Down syndrome"

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the vet told me hes going to have to put my dog down i said why whats wrong with him... he said nothing my arms are aching

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I named my first dog "What". Only now did I just realize why the guy on tech support was getting so angry when he repeatedly asked "What is the name of your first pet?" and I kept answering "Yes."

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My ex girlfriend had a dog. That thing was so crazy I ended up putting her down. But I kept the dog.

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My friends dog just died, he told me he wanted another one just like him... ...why whould you want another dead dog?

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What did Buddha say to the hot dog stand vendor? Make me one with everything

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There is a dog in the front yard licking himself. Two old men sitting on the front porch. There is a dog in the front yard that is licking himself.

First man, "I wish I could do that."

Second man, "That dog would bite you!"

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The difference between cats and dogs when you die When you die, your dog will mourn you until the day he dies.

When you die, your cat will be playing with the toe tag while they're taking your body out the door.

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Why is Hellen Keller's leg yellow? Her dog is blind too

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what do you call a dog with erectile dysfunction? it doesn't matter; he's not coming.

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A joke I made up inspired by Mitch Hedberg. "Last week I had to put down my dog. It was sad." "I said, you are one dumb dog."

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Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend? Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...


Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?

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I saw a blind person skydiving today Man, what a jerk. Scaring his poor dog like that...

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