Dog Jokes

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Funniest Dog Jokes

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Funny Dog Jokes
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I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates They will kill your dog

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I entered my Chihuahua in an 'ugliest dog' contest and I won first place! My dog came in third.

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.” His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $20.00.”

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

You have migraines. You need to take better care of yourself. Get daily rest, drink a lot and avoid bright lights, stress, and strain. See me again in 2 weeks.

During the next 2 weeks, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he even added some oil from his car.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $20.00, again stating he had a bad headache. He waited curiously to see what the computer will say about the odd mix. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water has too much waste in it.

Your dog has ringworms.

Your teenage daughter is pregnant.

Your wife has had 5 different lovers in the past six months.

Also, your car needs a new radiator.

And you wonder why you have a headache?

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drug-sniffing dog Me: "Sweet dog you got there"

Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

Me: "Still in training, huh?"

Policeman: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Nevermind"

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog...

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Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog

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Bought a dog from a blacksmith today... Within 10 minutes of getting home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I bought my wife a Pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

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I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’ So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

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I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I can't take my dog to the park anymore because the ducks keep attacking him. Guess that's what i get for buying a pure bread dog.

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I named my dog “5 miles” so I could say “I walked 5 miles” But today, I ran over 5 miles

Score: 1998

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

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What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.

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"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

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Where does a dog go when he loses his tail a retail store

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I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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I have a dog with no legs called Cigarette. Every day, I take Cigarette out for a drag.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith as soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

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I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

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I went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov's dog and Shrodinger's Cat The librarian said "That rings a bell but I don't know if it's here or not."

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I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.... As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

​

Thanks for the silver.

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Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog! Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs.

Me: *sigh* Yeah... my dog has a real problem.

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I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

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My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

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Where do you find a dog that has no legs? Where you left it.

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My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette. Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag.

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I cried when my dad chopped up onions onions was a good dog :c

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A dog walks into a bar The dog says, "Gimme a beer." The bartender says, "Wow! You can talk! You should get a job at the circus!" The dog says, "They're hiring electricians at the circus?"

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How are dog catchers paid? By the pound!

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I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

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I got a dog from the blacksmiths the other day... As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.

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Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

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A man walks into a library and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

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Police just knocked on my door and said my dog is chasing a kid on his bike. What a liar, my dog doesn't even have a bike.

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New Dog Jokes

A family takes their sick dog to the vet. The vet picks the dog up and studies him. Finally, the vet says "I'm really sorry but I'm gonna have to put him down."

"Why?", asks the shocked family. "Is he sick?"

"No", replied the vet. "He's just really heavy."

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A man is driving across town with his dog. He sees a traffic light and begins to stop.

The dog says, "Why are you slowing down, the light's gray?"

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Day 19 of the experiment... "Day 19 of the experiment, I have successfully conditioned my master to give me food,smile,and write in his book every time I drool." - Pavlov's Dog

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I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.. Guess that's what I get for having a pure bread dog.

Score: 464

How do you know if a dog is male or female? Stroke its head.

If he wags his tail, it's male.

If she wags her tail, it's female.

Score: 39

How does a dog camouflage itself in the forest? It barks.


My 4 yo made this up.

Score: 122

Two teenage boys are walking down an alley when they see a stray dog licking its crotch.

The one boy says, “Man, I really wish I could do that.”

His friend responds, “I don’t know, you’d better pet him and see if he’s friendly, first.”

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I'm a dyslexic agnostic insomniac I stay up all night wondering if there is a dog

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Me: Sweet dog you got there Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

Score: 172

English is not first language want to try joke from my country Why did snoop dog not have a pretty green American yard?

Because he don’t love no hose.

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Why don't blind people like to skydive? It scares their dog

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Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself. Two men are standing on a corner watching a dog lick itself.

First guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that."

Second guy says, "You should probably try petting him first."

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I bought a dog from our local blacksmith As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door

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I can't take my dog to the park because the ducks try to bite him. I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

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Back in grade school my teacher asked me to say a sentence that sounded intriguing. Me: “My dog died.”

Teacher: “What kind of sentence is that?”

Me: “It’s a death sentence”

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My friend taught his dog to open the fridge and bring him beer... ...then he realized he taught his dog to open the fridge.

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No dog owner talks to their pet in a normal voice *No they don't, oh no they don't*

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Where does a dog go when it loses it’s tail and needs a new one? A retail store.

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My wife said I should put the mask on if I'm leaving the house - and so I always do. But my dog has to be so sick of that stupid movie by now.

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Did you hear about the dog that was frozen to absolute zero? Don't worry, it was 0K

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My yoga teacher said that downward dog will take one to a place of spiritual revelation. That's a big stretch.

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Two blondes are in a dog park One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"

The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

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what does a dyslexic, agonistic, insomniac do? stays up all night wondering if there’s a dog

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying. And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.

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Two old guys walk into a bar. There was a dog on a leash outside licking its balls. One guy said “I wish I could do that”. The other guy said “how about you start petting him first”.

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My dog ate my C++ homework It took him a couple of bytes

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My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH 2 DEAD DOGS

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Thanos X John Wick Advisor to Thanos: "Sir, John Wick survived the snap."

Thanos: "So?"

Advisor to Thanos; "His dog didn't."

Thanos: "Oh....."

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Two blondes are walking through the park... One blonde says to her friend, "Awww. Look at that poor little dog with one eye!"

The second blonde covers an eye with her hand and says, "Where?"

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What's the difference between marriage and a dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

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If a young dog could drink soda, what would they drink? Pupsi

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My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset.
She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Score: 106

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper. A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

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I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . . That's when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

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My friend told me that he threw a stick 20 miles away And that his dog still found it and retrieved it. Sounds far fetched to me.

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What do you call a dog with no legs? Anything you want. He still won't come.

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My neighbor speaks to her cat as if it could understand her. I told my dog and we both had a laugh over it.

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What do you get when you mix an Insomniac with an Agnostic and a Dyslexic? A man who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog

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What do u give a dog that has high temperature? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog

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I knew I shouldn't have taken my dog to the blacksmith As soon as we got there, he made a bolt for the door

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The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.

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What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there's a dog

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I adopted a dog from a blacksmith today.. First thing he did when i got him home was make a bolt for the door.

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What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. It won't come to you anyways.

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I bought a dog from a blacksmith yesterday Got him home and the first thing he did was make a bolt for the door.

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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot... It got so bad that finally, I had to take his bike away!

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Two dogs are sitting at a bar drinking beer... One dog looks around and says "you notice we're the only ones here with collars on?"

The other dog says "Dammit, we're at a Stray Bar!"

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My friend told me his dog could retrieve a stick from 5 miles away.. I don't know. I guess it seems a little far fetched to me.

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Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat? Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.

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I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

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My dog Minton has eaten all my shuttlecocks Badminton

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My dog Minton has eaten all of my shuttlecocks. Badminton.

Score: 18

My dog won't play fetch with my frying-pan. ​

It must be non-stick.

Score: 76

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? All dogs because buildings can’t jump

Score: 58

I bought the blacksmith's dog the other day. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

Score: 20

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

Score: 18

Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name? Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs

Me: Still in training?

Cop: What?

Me: What?

Score: 26

What do you call a big dog who's always alert? Awarewolf

Score: 78

What do you feed a dog with fever? Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

Score: 22

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Score: 159

Two guys walking down the street see a dog licking his balls. Guy 1 says, "Boy I wish I could do that."
Guy 2 says, "Don't you think you should pet him first?"

Score: 86

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