What`s the difference between a Doctors Without Borders hospital and ISIS?
How would I know, I`m just a US Air Force Operator.
Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their air Force.
Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms
So they can see their Air Force
What's the most american US military branch?
the Air Force. They're USAF.
A soldier finds a scorpion in his tent...
In the Marines, he kills the scorpion.
In the Army, he calls his CO and reports the presence of the scorpion.
In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there's a tent in his room.
I met an old Air Force guy.
I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."
Did you hear that the Air Force just bought a bunch of copies of The Little Mermaid on DVD?
They must be preparing for an Ariel assault.
Which branch of the military is the most American?
The Air Force, because they are US AF.
Why does the Mexican Air Force stress out Donald Trump?
Bc he can’t stand the sound of twenty Juan pilots.
What do you call a deer that’s enlisted in the Air Force?
My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.
He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.
There was a bad accident at the Air Force base.
A jeep ran over a bag of popcorn and killed two kernels.
After being hit by an airstrike from the Turkish air force, a Syrian leader was quoted as saying...
"As God is my witness, I thought the Turkish couldn't fly..."
What do you call a Mexican fighter pilot?
Air Force Juan.
Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.
Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can’t even swim!
Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.
What gives dumbo the ability to fly?
Air force one
What’s the difference between the political left wing and right wing?
It’s the big plane called Air Force One in the middle.
Why was Obama nervous when eating a T-bone aboard Air Force One?
Because the steaks had never been higher.
What do you call Trump riding the presidential plane?
Hair Force One
The entire Dutch air force was disabled this week.
The pilot was sick.
My buddy in the Air Force got injured in the war...
He fell off his chair.
So a guy walks into a careers advice centre...
He walks over to the counter after reading up on some potential aviation jobs and asks "Do you know where the Royal Air Force flyers are?".
The man at the counter replied "In a rack somewhere".
A military commander found the briefing room a little too stuffy
So he told one of his officers to "Open the windows and let the Air Force come in."
Where does the Iranian Air Force store all its flying craft?
The carpet store
What do you call Donald Trump's plane?
Hair force one...
I think my photographer friend is secretly in the Air Force.
He keeps asking if he can use a drone to take aerial shots at my wedding.
Some said Trump would be elected when pigs fly...
Of course the irony now is, they’re not only flying, they’re being flown by Air Force One.
What do you call the Mexican president's plane?
Air Force Juan
I always thought Air Force would make great stand up shows...
Their delivery is the bomb!
What do you call a war between the three largest air forces in the world?
A civil war.
Why did the USSR have such a bad air force?
They kept Stalin.
Who is the best joke lander in the world?
The pilot of Air Force One.
Today marks the completion of the Mexican presidents official jet...
Air Force Juan
A German airman on the air forces during WW2
If you see a white plane, it's American; if it's black it's RAF (Royal Air Force). If you see no planes at all, that's the Luftwaffe.
What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!
It used to take five scotches and a sleeping pill to get me on a plane.
Worked for me, not the Air Force.
Did you hear about the angry Air Force Registered Nurse?
They’re mad AF RN.
One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly run out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw. After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn't a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the "You didn't see anything" talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw. The Air Force fuels up the man's plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
Later that day, the man's plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people in the plane. When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again. As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells: "Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night."
A flight attendant sees a suspicious couple on board...
She decides to report it to the pilot immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! The female passenger looks pretty frightened and the man she is with looks dangerous!"
The pilot responds, "Patricia, I've told you before. This is Air Force One..."
The first Jewish President of the United States is elected.
The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.
"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit and stay with me during the inauguration and for a few days."
"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."
"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"
"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."
"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."
"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"
"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"
She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.
"Who was that?"
*gasp* "The doctor??"
"No, the other one."
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade
, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated.
Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General.
He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.
The first was a Squadron Leader pilot from Air Force , and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.
The second interview was with a Naval Lieutenant Commander, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.
The third interview was with an Infantryman and a commando qualified Major.
The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'
The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant officer, and he didn't mention my ears.'
He asked, 'Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the officer replied, 'It's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f******g ears.'
This is a joke I heard back in 2000
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."
George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".
The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."
George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"
The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"
Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are handicapped."
The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your @$$ from drowning!"
note: My apology it was shortly after bush took office, didn't even realize it until i read the comments by douglasmacarthur
The flight attendant see's a suspicious looking couple onboard,
so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous.
We must save the lady!"
The Captain responds, "Patricia, I’ve told you before....You do not work for United Airlines anymore. This is Air Force One. For the last time...please learn to respect the American President!"
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yup. Sure did." The farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off his motor.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yup.""Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out" the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning."
"President Trump is dead?" the sheriff shouted. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. "He kept a-saying he wasn't... but you know what a liar he is!"
There's an Army guy and an Air Force guy.
There's an Air Force guy driving from Wagga to Richmond, and an Army guy driving from Richmond to Wagga. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,"Man, I am really lucky to be alive!"
Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals"
The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck"
So the Air Force guy pops open his boot and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the Army guy, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship"
The Army guy replies, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, "Your turn!"
The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
My first original long joke called "Luck"
When I was young, I was always lucky. When I was five, my mom asked me to give 6 numbers for the lottery. “8, 13, 27, 29, 30, 31” I said. Without any hesitation, my mom punched those numbers on the lottery ticket and hoped for the best. Later that night, my whole family was watching the lottery on the television.
“The winning numbers are 8!” The announcer said.
“Five more numbers and I’m a millionaire!” my mom said with a big smile on her face.
“13!” The announcer continued. My dad, who believed throughout his whole life that the lottery is rigged by politicians, suddenly looked towards the television. It was as if he knew that we were going to win.
“27!” We already have half of the winning numbers. My family wasn’t really that rich, so winning the lottery would be a big help.
“29!” Is it really going to happen? Are we really going to win ₱80,000,000?”
“30!” One more number! The least amount we could get now is ₱50,000. Getting 5 out of the 6 winning numbers is already a big achievement in itself. Even if we don’t win, getting 5 winning numbers was already a testament on how lucky I was.
It was as if God heard me and answered with a big “Okay”.
“32!” Silence filled the room. My dad slowly looked away from the television and started reading his book once again. The smile in my mom’s face quickly disappeared as she stood up and went to sleep. Meanwhile, I was still very proud of my achievement. 5 out of 6 was unbelievably good. The next day, I bragged to my classmates that I had an 83.33333% guess rate. Most of my classmates were like “Whoa, that’s amazing” but one classmate of mine asked “Then what happened to the other 16.66666%?”
That guy’s name was Calvin. Up until high school, he was considered as the “Shotgun King”. He would just shotgun any major test but still end up with a 100% grade. He was one of the few people in the world that were luckier than me. At age 11, he already won the 6/55 Grand Lotto four times, and he wasn’t only lucky with the lottery, he was lucky with everything. Five months ago, he won a 2017 Audi A3 Sedan. Three months ago, he won a Mercedes-Benz AMG 43, and about a week ago, he won a Lockheed Martin F-22 Raptor. He won all these via raffle. There were a lot of doubts about his wins since not even the Philippine Air Force has an F-22.
I haven’t been participating in any more raffles since my mom said that I should focus on my studies. While walking to class, I saw this flyer that said about a raffle with the 1st prize of a Samsung Refrigerator. It was the perfect time to test out my luck skills, besides, my family would extremely benefit from a new refrigerator. While I was putting my raffle entries inside the drop box, someone patted my shoulder.
“Hey Kyle!” the guy said. It was Calvin.
“Hey Calvin, what’s up?” I said.
“You’re entering the raffle too?” He asked.
“Yeah man, it’s been a long time since I won something.” I answered.
“Well good luck.” He said. “I’m joining the raffle too, so the chances of you winning are slim.”
After two days, it was already raffle day. Despite what Calvin said, I was positive that I would win, so I sat in front, near where the results were going to be announced.
One by one, the results were slowly announced, starting from the 5th prize.
“The 5th prize goes to Earl Cayanan!”
“The 4th prize goes to Mary Ann Severino!”
“The 3rd prize goes to John Paul Melecio!”
“The 2nd prize goes to Harold Eugenio!”
Finally, it was the time for the 1st prize. In the corner of my eye, I suddenly saw Calvin talking to some security guards. I smell something fishy going on.
“And for the 1st prize, congratulations to Calvin Tolentino!”
Calvin quickly ran up the stage. I didn’t believe the results so I ran up to Calvin, but on the way, two security guards stopped me. I didn’t give up. I shouted: “I’m the real winner, not you! The whole raffle was rigged!” One security guard then grabbed his gun and smacked its base to my head. I passed out.
I then woke up in a hospital room with an old lady whom I’ve never met before, sitting beside me.
“So, do you want to beat Calvin?” She asked.
“What do you mean?” I asked in return.
“I can make you win the next major raffle.”
“How?” I quickly asked as I was interested.
“Well, the next raffle has a bottle made out of diamonds as its first prize. If sold, it could be as expensive as ₱850,000,000.”
“Okay so how do I win it?”
“Hold your horses, young boy, that’s not the real first prize. You shouldn’t win the bottle, but instead, go to the host right after the program has ended. He will give you the keys to the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’ or WARR for short.”
“Okay, this might sound crazy but there is a robot that can make you win all raffle you enter. It’s called the ‘Win All Raffles Robot’.”
“So how does it work?” I asked out of curiosity.
“No one knows, it was sent by God during the 1300’s. What I do know is that whoever has the WARR would never lose a raffle. Your friend Calvin was just really lucky, but with the WARR, you’d be more than lucky.”
“But how would I be sure that the host would give it to me?”
“Well, he is my son.”
“How is he your son?”
“I gave birth to him.”
Since this conversation seemed like it wouldn’t lead to anything useful anymore, I packed my things and left the hospital. Moments later, I saw a flyer that caught my eye.
“Win a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle worth ₱850,000,000. All you have to do is enter the raffle to have a chance.”
Maybe this was the raffle the old lady was talking about. I quickly went to the raffle booth and entered.
“The raffle draw will be in an hour, sir.” The clerk said. “You can meanwhile sit in our Waiting Area.”
Inside the Waiting Area were chairs, tables, and a television showing a replay of the 2021 NBA Finals. It’s crazy how the Lakers won it in 6 games. Joel Embiid was such a beast for Philadelphia but they still weren’t able to pull it off.
After an hour, I left the waiting room and sat in the front row near the stage where the raffle will be drawn. Slowly, people started coming and the seats started to fill up.
It was time.
The host came out of the curtains and picked one raffle ticket in the spinning jar.
“The 5th prize which is a 1942 Zero Japanese fighter plane, goes to Erika Sanchez!”
“The 4th prize, which is an authentic piece of the Shroud of Turin, goes to Francois LeBourgeoisie!” I can’t believe the host mispronounced his name.
“The 3rd prize, which is the original copy of the Indian epic, the Ramayana, goes to Juan Tiu-Tres.”
“The 2nd prize, which is a legitimate metal shard from the 1947 Roswell UFO Crash goes to Zack Dimagiba.
“And finally, the event you’ve all been waiting for, the 1st prize which is a 700-year-old Venetian Diamond Wine Bottle goes to…Calvin Tolentino!”
“What?!” I shouted as I jumped off my seat.
Someone then suddenly patted my back. It was Calvin.
“It’s okay Kyle, you’ll get your chance.” Calvin said.
I was about to punch him in the face but I suddenly remembered that I never really intended to win the 1st prize, so before Calvin went to the stage to claim his prize, I told him: “Hey Calvin!”
“Yes Kyle?” He said with an intimidating smile to his face.
I moved closer to him, stared him in the eye, and softly said: “You may have won the bottle, but you haven’t won the WARR.”
A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard
so she reports it to
the Captain immediately.
“Sir, I think we have a case of
There is a
very pretty, graceful and rich looking female passenger onboard.
She looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, old, redhead slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”
We must save the lady !!!
The Captain responds,
I’ve told you before..
We have resigned from *United Airlines*.
This is *Air Force One*
Please learn to respect the American President.
Flying across the country in Air Force One, the president jokes with his staff.
“I’m thinking about tossing a $100 bill out the window and making someone very happy.”
A White House aide comments, “Why don’t you throw twenty $100 bills out the window and make twenty people happy?”
Another staffer jokes, “Why don’t you throw a hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy?”
A member of the plane staff, wanting to get in on the act, chimes in and says, “Why don’t you throw yourself out the window and make half the country happy?”
Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One
When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls the agent aside and says, “ Why did you yell Mickey Mouse when you saw the assassin?” The agent says, “Well, I got nervous and meant to say Donald Duck.”
The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body -- to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, ''Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?''
The general said no. ''Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?''
The general said, ''Just do it!''
The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, ''Sir, where are your balls?"
The general said, ''I left them back in Vietnam.''
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual
"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop
George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.
Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.
So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.
“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.
“I believe in education and free trade,” was the reply.
“Excellent. Take a seat here on my right,” God said.
“Now tell me, Mr. Obama, what do you believe in?” God asked.
“I believe in equal rights for all and universal healthcare,” Obama replied.
“Very good. Take a seat to my left,” God instructed.
“And Mr. Trump, what do you believe in?” God queried.
“I believe you are sitting in my seat,” Trump shot back.
Why I Joined the Air Force
The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
“What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”
A sailor said, “I’d step on it.”
A soldier said, “I’d squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I’d catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.”
An Airman said. “I’d call room service and find out why there’s a tent in my room.”
A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"
There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.
"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."
At this point, several of the elderly ladies of the church were blushing with embarrassment, the girls were all giggling and the boys laughing loudly.
The pastor finally stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company, who made many of the planes used by the Germans during the war."
"Yes, that's true." says the old pilot. "But these fokkers were flying Messerschmitts!"
Barack Obama was out jogging one day...
When he tripped, and fell over a bridge railing and landed in the river below. Before secret service could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted in return for saving his life. The first kid said, "I want to go to Disney world!" To which Obama replied, "not a problem, I'll even fly you there in Air Force one." The second kid then says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's!" "You got it." Said Obama. "I'll even have Michael Jordan himself sign them." Then the third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in big screen tv and headset." Obama seemed a bit confused at this. "You don't look like yore handicapped." He said. To which the kid replied, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning.
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?" The tower responded, "Who is calling?" The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?" The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
A yooper WW2 Fighter Pilot visited a school to talk about his service
"In 19 and 42, da situation was really tough. The Germans, dey had a very strong Air Force. I remember dis one day I was protectin' da bombers and suddenly, from outta da clouds, dese fokkers appeared."
*At this point, several of the children giggle*
"I looked up, and right above me was one of da fokkers. I aimed at him and shot dat fokker down. Da fokkers was everywhere, dere was anoder fokker right behind me."
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft company"
"Ya... ya... dat's true!" says the old pilot, "but dese fokkers was flyin' Messerschmidts."