Teacher Jokes

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Funniest Teacher Jokes

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it. Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

Score: 15785

Boy: What's a palindrome? Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Score: 15129

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Score: 13421

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 12377

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Score: 7489

"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher. "5!" Yelled Timmy.

"Yes Timmy, that is correct."

​

Score: 7167

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class! Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

Score: 7029

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

Score: 6495

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I" Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

Score: 6286

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Score: 3655

I wish I had Trump as a teacher. Citations would be easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

Score: 3592

A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

Score: 3320

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.

Score: 2827
Funny Teacher Jokes
Score: 2801

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"???? Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Score: 2068

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home." *Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

Score: 2019

Why was the piano teacher arrested? He kept fingering A minor.

Score: 1698

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Score: 1428

Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn

Score: 1332

I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class... I hate being a teacher...

Score: 1302

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7. She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

Score: 1283

My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he threw me off the roof.

Score: 1261

When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank. Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 1248

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Score: 1205

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

Score: 1087

Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

Score: 1014

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Score: 960

My physics teacher said i have potential and then pushed me down the stairs

Score: 924

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him? Because he never finished his sentences...

Score: 885

What is the difference between a teacher and a train? A teacher says "Spit out the gum!"
A train says "Chew! Chew!"

Ye, courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Score: 817

When I was a kid adults would use swear words then apologise by saying 'Excuse my French'. I still remember my first day at school when the teacher asked "Does anyone know any French?"

Score: 737

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves

Score: 687

Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" Teacher: tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"

Student: I is the...

Teacher: stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".

Student: okay! I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Score: 601

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired Because she couldnt control her pupils.

Score: 487

My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he pushed me off the roof.

Score: 456

Teacher: "What can you get from a chicken?" Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

Score: 349

My maths teacher never goes outside I can tell, cos there's no sin of his tan

Score: 340

What is the average maths teacher like? Mean

Score: 326

What is an english teacher's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird

Score: 308

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New Teacher Jokes

Teacher: Use dandelion in the sentence Kid *Jamaican accent*: The cheetah is faster dandelion

Score: 26

The teacher tells the class: 'Whoever gets the next question right, can go home early.' Benjamin throws his pencil to the front of the class. Teacher picks it up and asks: 'Who was that?'
Benjamin: 'Me, good day.'

Score: 33

The year 2120 in a classroom. Teacher: "That anti-vaccination movement eventually died out in the beginning of the 21st century."

Student: "I'm glad they finally came to their senses."

Teacher: "No. It was Polio."

Score: 28

My Chemistry teacher was right Alcohol IS a solution.

Score: 40

When I was in school, my math teacher called me average. It was mean.

Score: 120

"Pi R Squared", said my math teacher. "Bullshit!" I exclaimed. "Pie are round!"

Score: 30

Just got a repressed memory foam mattress, it holds me just like my gym teacher did

Score: 77

My biology teacher asked me what was the ugliest vegetable IMO. Apparently, Stephen Hawking was the wrong answer.

Score: 69

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof? Don't do that, you have so much potential!

Score: 106

Little Johnny's teacher asks "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe!"

Score: 64

A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is. One student replies "G"

"Why's that Angus?"

Score: 50

A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"

Johnny: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Johnny: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Johnny: "Homework!"

Score: 36

So my Spanish teacher told me to turn in my essay I told her I ain't no snitch

Score: 120

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases One kid wrote:

1. HIV, AIDS
2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

Score: 82

What got the guitar teacher arrested? Fingering A minor

Score: 65

My Physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential Then he pushed me off a roof as a class demonstration

Score: 38

My English teacher had part of his intestines removed Now all he ever talks about is his semicolon

Score: 43

A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa. "Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.

"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."

Score: 31

most clever student Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Score: 66

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up" *Nobody stands up*
Teacher:"There has to be at least one stupid student here"
*Timmy stands up*
Teacher:"Timmy do you think you're stupid?"
Timmy:"No, I just felt bad that you were standing alone"

Score: 223

What do you call a fantastic Japanese teacher? Sensei-tional

Score: 250

Teacher: "Use the word dandelion in a sentence" Student: "De cheetah is faster dandelion"

Score: 126

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is… A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.

The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

Score: 71

Teacher says "use 'dandelion' in a sentence"... The Jamaican student replies "De cheeta is faster dandelion"

Score: 29

What did the Vampire say to the Teacher? See you next period.

(Heard this 20 years ago, hope it's not overly recycled)

Score: 50

As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong." "Question 2 ?" I asked.

"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

Score: 146

The German dream The teacher is talking about the American Dream in class and then asks the one German kid if they had a German dream. He responds, "We did, but nobody liked it."

Score: 307

Little Suzy wet herself in class one day.. The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"

Score: 63

What do you call an IT Teacher who touches his students? A PDFile...

Score: 43

A guitar teacher was arrested. Teacher was caught fingering a minor.

Score: 70

Boy: My mother's name is Laughing and my father's name is Smiling. Teacher: You must be Kidding.

Boy: No, that's my sister's name, I'm Joking.

Score: 110

I think my math teacher works for the CIA... He always wants to put radicals in isolation.

Score: 278

How did the mexican girl get pregnant? The teacher told her to make an essay.

Score: 29

A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!" A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"

Score: 277

At school A teacher writes on the whiteboard: HNO3 and asks a student:

\- What substance is that?

\- Hmmm... wait a moment... It's on the tip of my tongue!

\- Spit it out at once!!! That's nitric acid!

Score: 26

A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.

Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?

Caller: I am my father.

Score: 61

Do you know what animals give you? Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Score: 58

I got fired today for arranging the vegetables in a sexually suggestive way Apparently that's "unacceptable behavior for a special needs teacher".

Score: 99

My math teacher used to call me average.... It was mean.

Score: 86

I Wish I had Trump As A Teacher Citations would be super easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

Score: 44

An English class is writing an essay One of the students asks how long the essay should be.
The teacher responds, "Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested".

Score: 71

My teacher said, "Are you chewing gum?" I said, "Do I look like chewing gum to you?"

Score: 49

The school counsellor told me that alcohol was never a solution. I said that my chemistry teacher would disagree.

Score: 38

My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion. I said "yeah it's pretty straightforward"

Score: 93

In biology class my teacher asked "What is most commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" was not the right answer

Score: 188

Did you hear about the Piano Teacher that slept with his student? She was A Minor.

Score: 27

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

Score: 105

TIL that a class was taught by the wrong stand in teacher and the students knowingly went along with it. Whoops, wrong sub.

Score: 36

My math teacher called me average the other day. I thought it was mean.

Score: 167

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

Classroom Nerd (In a high school class room)

Girl: Do you see that [email protected]#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a pimp

Score: 31

A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

Score: 181

One brave student... Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

Score: 58

The student and the teacher. JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not. "
JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework ...."

Score: 169

A class is learning about probability.. Teacher: If I toss a penny, what are the chances that I get a head?

Girl: For a penny? Not very bright.

Score: 59

Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I" - Funny Joke Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Score: 54

Why was the ukelele teacher put in jail? Becuase he was caught fingering A minor.

Score: 29

What is the average Math teacher like? Mean.

Score: 92

My Accounting Teacher Told Us This One Today If your debits and credits don't equal, then your assets in jail.

Score: 37

What's the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.

Score: 33

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