Teacher Jokes

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Funniest Teacher Jokes

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it. Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

Score: 15785

Boy: What's a palindrome? Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Score: 15129

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Score: 13421

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 12377

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Score: 7489

"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher. "5!" Yelled Timmy.

"Yes Timmy, that is correct."

​

Score: 7167

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class! Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.


The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

Score: 7029

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

Score: 6495

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I" Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

Score: 6286

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Score: 3655

I wish I had Trump as a teacher. Citations would be easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

Score: 3592

A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

Score: 3320

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.

Score: 2827
Funny Teacher Jokes
Score: 2801

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"???? Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Score: 2068

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home." *Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

Score: 2019

Why was the piano teacher arrested? He kept fingering A minor.

Score: 1698

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Score: 1428

Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn

Score: 1332

I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class... I hate being a teacher...

Score: 1302

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7. She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

Score: 1283

My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he threw me off the roof.

Score: 1261

When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank. Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 1248

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Score: 1205

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

Score: 1087

Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

Score: 1014

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Score: 960

My physics teacher said i have potential and then pushed me down the stairs

Score: 924

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him? Because he never finished his sentences...

Score: 885

My math teacher used to call me average. How mean!

Score: 344

In biology class my teacher asked "What is most commonly found in cells?" Apparently "black people" was not the right answer

Score: 188

My math teacher called me average the other day. I thought it was mean.

Score: 167

The other day, my Physics teacher said I had so much potential... Then he pushed me out the window.

Score: 95

An English class is writing an essay One of the students asks how long the essay should be.
The teacher responds, "Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested".

Score: 71

What do you call an English teacher who used to have anxiety? Past tense.

Score: 59

Do you know what animals give you? Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Score: 58

The Math teacher called my son average. I think he was mean.

Score: 48

I Wish I had Trump As A Teacher Citations would be super easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

Score: 44

My Chemistry teacher was right Alcohol IS a solution.

Score: 40

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New Teacher Jokes

My teacher said I'd never be any good at poetry because of my dyslexia but so far I've made a vase and two jugs

Score: 14

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

A computer science major goes to his English professor and says "I've found a fault in the English language and I need an entomologist." "Don't you mean an etymologist?" the teacher asks.

"No," the student replies. "It's a bug, not a feature."

Score: 4

Teacher: Use dandelion in the sentence Kid *Jamaican accent*: The cheetah is faster dandelion

Score: 26

The teacher tells the class: 'Whoever gets the next question right, can go home early.' Benjamin throws his pencil to the front of the class. Teacher picks it up and asks: 'Who was that?'
Benjamin: 'Me, good day.'

Score: 33

So my guitar teacher got arrested. He got arrested for fingering A minor.


After he plucked her G string...

Score: 14

When I was in kindergarten, I liked the shape of the seventh letter of the alphabet so much, I would just stare at the one on the class poster and poke at it. My teacher would whisper *"Prodigy..."*

Score: 5

My teacher took my phone after he caught me and said I could reclaim it next class It was a long summer vacation

Score: 9

The year 2120 in a classroom. Teacher: "That anti-vaccination movement eventually died out in the beginning of the 21st century."

Student: "I'm glad they finally came to their senses."

Teacher: "No. It was Polio."

Score: 28

Bin Laden's kid comes sad from school "Dad i got an F in Geography class"

"Why is that?"

"The teacher asked me what's the tallest building in New York and i said Empire State Building"

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies

"Let dad handle this one."

Score: 14

There was a kidnapping in the local high school. Luckily a teacher woke him up.

Score: 6

Joke from my science teacher years ago... Q: Why should you never wear Russian nuclear underwear?

A: because Chernob'll Fallout.

Score: 5

Today, my teacher asked me to summerize my work... So, I took out all the parts about polar bears and eskimos.

Score: 5

Little Billy came to school with a broken foot Teacher: Billy what happened to your foot?

Billy: I dropped tomatoes on it.

Teacher: Tomatoes? How could tomatoes do that?

Billy: Well, they were in a can.

Score: 3

A kid hand in his homework and the teacher says, "You're presentation is misssing."

And the kid replies with,

"Oh I'm sorry. Ladies and gentlements, my HOMEWORK"

Score: 10

Teacher: class let’s do math. Teacher: so bob has 25 candy bars he eats 10. What does bob have

Student: 15 CANDY BARS

Teacher: no bob has diabetes.

Score: 3

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month This is ridiculous!

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Score: 5

Our orchestra teacher told us he’d throw an instrument at us if we messed up. Wow. I can’t believe our teacher is threatening us with violins.

Score: 9

I said to the gym teacher: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?'
I said: 'I can't make Tuesdays.'

Score: 21

I asked a millennial hipster yoga teacher to leave the room... He said: "Nah a ma stay."

Score: 5

I finally slept with my English teacher. Home-school is great!

Score: 3

Teacher: Do you know what an esimate is? Student: Not exactly
Teacher: correct
Student: About what?
Teacher: also correct
Student: I guess
Teacher: wow you really know your stuff

Score: 3

To my high school teacher who said I’d never amount to anything... Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week’s winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don’t pay the rent I owe!

Score: 9

My English teacher asked to “define money”. I responded “something you don’t have”.

Score: 4

Teacher: Kids, what do you get from the chicken? Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: Very good! Now what do you get from the fat pig?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what do you get from the fat cow?
Little Johnny: Homework!

Score: 4

What do you call a Math teacher that’s a hoe? It’s the thot that counts.

Score: 3

Why are history teacher boring ? Because they tend to Babylon

Score: 3

A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?" The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

My science teacher asked me if I liked sodium I said “Na.”

Score: 3

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Score: 4

So my science teacher began her astronomy unit with star formation She gave a stellar explanation.

Score: 3

A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father? **Stalin** says the child.

Who's your mother?

**Mother Russia**

What do you want to be when you grow up?

**An orphan!**

Score: 9

Classic. I’d be surprised if this was not posted already. One afternoon the teacher asked the Johnny “Can you explain what oxidation is?” He replied “No my science is a little rusty.”

Score: 12

Little boy calls to his teacher and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"

Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"

Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"

Score: 4

My chemistry class had a party My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.

Score: 4

A teacher was quizzing Johnny on farm animals Teacher: "Johnny, what does the chicken give you?"

Johnny: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Johnny: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Johnny: "Homework!"

Score: 36

My english teacher told me that the file I sent her was corrupt, and that she couldn't open it I suggested bribing it

Score: 9

My Latin/Greek teacher always gets the English and Greek 'U' mixed up oopsilon

Score: 3

My English teacher said that nothing rhymes with orange. There was a young man who had nothing,

Until one day he happened upon an orange.

That rhymes?

Score: 14

My biology teacher flunked me when she asked me what is commonly found in cells. Apparently, black people wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Score: 3

A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird... She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,

"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

Score: 3

Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when... The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.

He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."

Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."

Score: 6

My music teacher told me to stay on key I said "pitch please"

Score: 25

I bumped into my old English teacher. He said, "What's new?"

I said, "It's an adjective."

Score: 4

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

I once fell in love with an English Teacher.... ...I wrote her a love letter and she corrected it.

Score: 3

Jimmy leaves for school today! The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Score: 4

Funny comeback from a student TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn’t punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Score: 6

Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out. So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."

Score: 3

A mexican boy in english class... A mexican boy in english class passed a note to his friend. The teacher saw it, and screeched "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

To which he replied, "writing an esé"

Score: 5

A yoga teacher was murdered... ...they're saying it was premeditated.

Score: 19

What did the music teacher say to the student with social problems? Just B♮.

Score: 8

My English teacher got really angry about the format of my essay. It wasn't justified.

Score: 36

After My Music Lesson, My Teacher Said I Should Be Tenor Tenor twelve feet away from her.

Score: 4

Teacher said this one in class....Why are there no Muslims in Star Trek? Because it's the future.

Score: 4

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

Score: 22

A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

Score: 14

my math teacher's joke she told us so, in math class my teacher told us a joke that goes like this: knock knock who's there? interrupting starfish interrup-(places hand on other person's face) we laughed so hard at the teacher's reaction.

Score: 6

So there's this classroom full of students in china... ...and this kid named meng was making fun of the teacher. The teacher walks up to him and yells; now listen you... All of a sudden the kid next to him says, but meng did it not me.

Score: 7

So my math teacher asked me to do an initial value problem... ...and I said, "Y Naught?"

Score: 30

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