Teacher Jokes


Funniest Teacher Jokes

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an "i" in it. Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence with an 'i' in it.

Johnny: I is...

Teacher: No, Johnny, when you say 'i', it should be followed by 'am'

Johnny: Okay, I am the 9th letter of the alphabet

Score: 15785

Boy: What's a palindrome? Teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

Boy: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where's the palindrome

Getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

Score: 15129

Did you hear about the math teacher who’s afraid of negative numbers? He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Score: 13421

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank. She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 12377

I just saw my math teacher lock himself in his office with a piece of graph paper. I think he must be plotting something.

Score: 7489

"Timmy, what's 119+1?" Asked the teacher. "5!" Yelled Timmy.

"Yes Timmy, that is correct."


Score: 7167

Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class! Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.

The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

Score: 7029

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

Score: 6495

Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I" Bobby: I is...

Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".

Bobby: I am the 9th letter of the alphabet.

Score: 6286

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Score: 3655

I wish I had Trump as a teacher. Citations would be easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

Score: 3592

A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

Score: 3320

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.

Score: 2827
Funny Teacher Jokes
Score: 2801

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I"???? Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Score: 2068

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home." *Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

Score: 2019

Why was the piano teacher arrested? He kept fingering A minor.

Score: 1698

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Score: 1428

Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn

Score: 1332

I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class... I hate being a teacher...

Score: 1302

I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7. She replied, “Approximately 0.3583679495453”.

I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, “You know, cos (789)”

Score: 1283

My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he threw me off the roof.

Score: 1261

When I said to my teacher,I had 26 pets, didn't believe me. So I showed her a picture of my fish tank. Teacher freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

Score: 1248

Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words Teacher: Well yes , but actually no

Score: 1205

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor

Score: 1087

Why did the kid eat his homework? Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.
-My 6 year old Nephew

Score: 1014

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of prison... ...but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

Score: 960

My physics teacher said i have potential and then pushed me down the stairs

Score: 924

Why did Jeffrey Epstein's English teacher fail him? Because he never finished his sentences...

Score: 885

The other day, my Physics teacher said I had so much potential... Then he pushed me out the window.

Score: 95

Boy and girl in class asked the teacher a question. "Can kids of our age have kids?"

Teacher replied " NO Never!!"

Boy said to girl :

"See I told you not to worry!!!!"

Score: 86

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’ Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

Score: 85

An English class is writing an essay One of the students asks how long the essay should be.
The teacher responds, "Like a skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to keep me interested".

Score: 71

What's the difference between a soldier and a teacher? As a soldier, it is your job to kill people.

As a teacher, it is your job to try very hard not to kill people.

Score: 70

Grandpa Me: My grandpa knew the exact time, day and year he was going to die!

Teacher: What an evolved soul? How'd he know?

Me: The judge told him.

Score: 63

Do you know what animals give you? Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Eggs!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

Score: 58

My Chemistry teacher was right Alcohol IS a solution.

Score: 40

When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

Score: 31

My math teacher told the whole class I'm average... she's mean

Score: 26

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New Teacher Jokes

The teacher knew tommy could only count while using his fingers. She told him to put his hands in his pockets and then she asked him: “what is five and five?” After a short pause he replied “Eleven?”

Score: 12

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

A boy asks his teacher, "What's a palindrome?" "A racecar," replies his teacher.

*20 years later*

The boy bursts out of a bank wearing a ski mask and with bags of money in his hands. "Where is the palindrome?" he asks his getaway driver, who was sitting in a kayak.

Score: 13

A computer science major goes to his English professor and says "I've found a fault in the English language and I need an entomologist." "Don't you mean an etymologist?" the teacher asks.

"No," the student replies. "It's a bug, not a feature."

Score: 4

In chemistry class, the teacher asked a girl, what is 'nitrate'? Girl: "$100 + hotel room bill.. this is my night rate!!"

Score: 6

So my guitar teacher got arrested. He got arrested for fingering A minor.

After he plucked her G string...

Score: 14

My high school teacher was a Turtle.. To this day, I remember everything he Tortoise!

Score: 3

When I was in kindergarten, I liked the shape of the seventh letter of the alphabet so much, I would just stare at the one on the class poster and poke at it. My teacher would whisper *"Prodigy..."*

Score: 5

My teacher took my phone after he caught me and said I could reclaim it next class It was a long summer vacation

Score: 9

There was a kidnapping in the local high school. Luckily a teacher woke him up.

Score: 6

Joke from my science teacher years ago... Q: Why should you never wear Russian nuclear underwear?

A: because Chernob'll Fallout.

Score: 5

What do you call a teacher that doesn't like kids coloring outside of the lines? Border Patrol

Score: 3

Today, my teacher asked me to summerize my work... So, I took out all the parts about polar bears and eskimos.

Score: 5

Earlier today, I was at the swimming pool with my gym class. The teacher yelled at me for peeing in the pool, and I replied that everyone pees in the pool "Yeah, but not from the diving board" was his reply!

Score: 3

Little Billy came to school with a broken foot Teacher: Billy what happened to your foot?

Billy: I dropped tomatoes on it.

Teacher: Tomatoes? How could tomatoes do that?

Billy: Well, they were in a can.

Score: 3

Teacher: class let’s do math. Teacher: so bob has 25 candy bars he eats 10. What does bob have

Student: 15 CANDY BARS

Teacher: no bob has diabetes.

Score: 3

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month This is ridiculous!

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

Score: 5

Our orchestra teacher told us he’d throw an instrument at us if we messed up. Wow. I can’t believe our teacher is threatening us with violins.

Score: 9

I finally slept with my English teacher. Home-school is great!

Score: 3

Teacher: Do you know what an esimate is? Student: Not exactly
Teacher: correct
Student: About what?
Teacher: also correct
Student: I guess
Teacher: wow you really know your stuff

Score: 3

To my high school teacher who said I’d never amount to anything... Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week’s winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don’t pay the rent I owe!

Score: 9

My English teacher asked to “define money”. I responded “something you don’t have”.

Score: 4

Teacher: Kids, what do you get from the chicken? Kids: Eggs!
Teacher: Very good! Now what do you get from the fat pig?
Kids: Bacon!
Teacher: Great! And what do you get from the fat cow?
Little Johnny: Homework!

Score: 4

What do you call a Math teacher that’s a hoe? It’s the thot that counts.

Score: 3

Why are history teacher boring ? Because they tend to Babylon

Score: 3

A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?" The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

Score: 5

My science teacher asked me if I liked sodium I said “Na.”

Score: 3

Two guys were chatting in the bar "So how's it go with that chick last night? She was an English teacher , right?"

"Yeah, she got dressed and left a few minutes after we got in bed"

"Shame. Why'd she do so?"

"I guess she didn't like my improper use of the colon."

Score: 10

A French teacher asks her new class if any of them know any French. Young Johnny lets out a parade of F-bombs-
"Whoa! Hey now?! Who told you that was French?" interrupted the teacher.
"My dad. He is always asking people to pardon his French".

Score: 5

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Score: 4

So my science teacher began her astronomy unit with star formation She gave a stellar explanation.

Score: 3

A teacher in the Soviet union yells at her student - who's your father? **Stalin** says the child.

Who's your mother?

**Mother Russia**

What do you want to be when you grow up?

**An orphan!**

Score: 9

Back when Stormy Daniels was in high school, none of her fellow classmen realized she would go down in history. Guys were usually getting it in the gym locker room or behind the teacher's parking lot.

Score: 15

I asked my French teacher if I could use the restroom. "Oui, Oui"

"No, no. Poo poo."

Score: 3

Little boy calls to his teacher and says "James won't be in school today, he is sick"

Teacher replies "Oh, I am sorry to hear that. By the way who am i talking to,?"

Boy answers calmly "With my Dad"

Score: 4

My chemistry class had a party My teacher brought some avocados, about 6.022x10^23 of them, for the guaca-mole.

Score: 4

My english teacher told me that the file I sent her was corrupt, and that she couldn't open it I suggested bribing it

Score: 9

My Latin/Greek teacher always gets the English and Greek 'U' mixed up oopsilon

Score: 3

I had a teacher called Mr Turtle. He tortoise.

Score: 7

My teacher said, because I was acting up in class, I have to do a book report on the largest bone in the arm. Isn't that humorous?

Score: 9

My biology teacher flunked me when she asked me what is commonly found in cells. Apparently, black people wasn't the answer she was looking for.

Score: 3

A teacher asked me why my daughter's name was so weird... She asked why I had spelled it like E.M.M.A instead of just Emma, and I said that it describes the phrase that I told people when I let them know my SO was pregnant,

"Everyone. Makes. Mistakes. Alright?"

Score: 3

Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when... The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.

He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."

Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."

Score: 6

My music teacher told me to stay on key I said "pitch please"

Score: 25

Yesterday, my computer science teacher was teaching us about for-loops... ... he said it was a *for n* concept.

Score: 10

Did you hear about the teacher who was always cross eyed? She struggled to control her pupils.

Score: 20

What happened when the child molester lost his job? Classroom 3-A got a new teacher.

Score: 4

Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out. So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."

Score: 3

How do you hang a trig teacher? With a hypotenoose

Score: 4

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question can go home One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

Score: 9

What did the music teacher say to the student with social problems? Just B♮.

Score: 8

Teacher said this one in class....Why are there no Muslims in Star Trek? Because it's the future.

Score: 4

My Indian engineering teacher told us this today Growing up in America, you've probably heard your parents say, "Eat your food, there are starving children in India." But I tell my children, "Do your math homework or an Indian child will eat your food."

Score: 22

Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.

Score: 14

A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

Score: 14

Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor? Their teacher told them not to use tables!

Score: 8

my math teacher's joke she told us so, in math class my teacher told us a joke that goes like this: knock knock who's there? interrupting starfish interrup-(places hand on other person's face) we laughed so hard at the teacher's reaction.

Score: 6

Why did the Mexican school girl get pregnant? Here teacher said to go home and do her "essay".

Score: 4

What does the chemistry teacher like to do with his dead bodies after he kills 'em? Barium.

Score: 8

Why did the Mexican girl get pregnant? Her teacher told her to go home and do an essay

Score: 21

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