Facebook Jokes

Contents

Funniest Facebook Jokes

If Facebook buys Gmail, instead of 'mark as read' the feature will be called, 'Mark has read'.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable. He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Funny Facebook Jokes

Your parents in 1996: "Don't trust ANYBODY on the internet!" Your parents today: "Freedom Eagle dot facebook says Hillary invented AIDS."

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Just found this cool new app that tells you which family members are racist... Its called Facebook

Tinder is for rookies Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses. It'll show you recently divorced females in your area. From there you can filter by size.

I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.

I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying "We value your privacy." Well I know that. How else could you sell it?

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff. So I poked her

My daughter asked me what "fap fap fap" means... I think I should stop commenting on her Facebook pictures.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client... ...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying: My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:

“helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”

Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?

Me- "Do you know in middle east most of married girls can't even vote on Facebook opinion poll". Friend- "That's not true, there is no such law anywhere in middle east".
Me- "Yeah, but you need to be above 13 to use Facebook".

Just tried to change my password to.. Just tried to change my password to.. 'The_Last_Jedi,' but Facebook wouldn't let me. Said there are too many useless characters.

If Facebook buys Gmail.... If Facebook buys Gmail then the 'mark as seen' option would be changed to 'Mark has seen'.

Earlier today I saw the Facebook group 'kids vs cancer' Well, it turns out writing "my money is on cancer every time" is one way to get quite a bit of hate mail.

Facebook is like jail You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you don't really know

If it wasn't for my wife, I'd probably be writing depressive Facebook messages all day. But she changed my password.

Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic.. Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.

There's an website you can use to see if your family is racist. It's called Facebook

Facebook bought WhatsApp for $19 billion. What a bunch of morons. They could've just downloaded it for free.

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

Why is Facebook like a prison? Because you write on walls and people you don't know poke you.

Mark Zuckerberg values your privacy at $157 Facebook stock price

My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking.

Twitter asks what I'm doing.

Google asks where I am.

The internet has turned into my girlfriend.

I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.

Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

"Batman, we need your help in Paris immediately." "Worry not, Commissioner, I've already changed my Facebook profile picture."

If you're going to do something illegal don't plan it through Facebook Do it somewhere private where no one will see you, like google+.

I just realized I haven't taken a Facebook quiz in years. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Facebook is like a prison. You look around, write on walls, and are poked by people you don't know.

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........ Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

What did one passive aggressive republican say to the passive aggressive democrat? I don't know, let me go check my Facebook feed.

Why is it so hard to play cards in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs.


Courtesy of the St. Louis Zoo Facebook page.

I log in facebook to see that everyone is at the bar... I go to the bar to see that everyone is on facebook.

What's the difference between a Pokemon Go player and a Facebook user?? Pokemon Go players are only wasting their own time ;)

Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when.. Just changed my Facebook name to ‘No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say ‘No one likes this'.

Facebook will reveal what information about you was leaked in recent years. Just log in and fill out this quiz on our new app.

pH number. So a random person I don't know sends me a message on Facebook which goes like, "cn i hve ur pH no? :)"

To which I reply, "7."

Popular Topics

New Facebook Jokes

My friend on Facebook who always posted the stupidest things faked his death. He’s back. Now all he does is postmortem things.

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing. All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

Did you know that Facebook IQ tests can actually tell a lot about your intelligence? If you believe the results, it means you're not very intelligent.

To the person who hacked my Facebook account. It's totally fine if you can get my total number of friends up to 10.

I'm undefeated in Facebook arguments My record is 0-0-1498

Here's a poem I heard from a friend Roses are red

Violets are blue

Pornhub is down, your Facebook will do

The CDC is warning people about biohazards in chimneys, but my dumb Facebook friends won't listen. They keep saying "It's just the flue, bro."

Facebook is where you find people who studied with you in school Twitter is where you find people you wish you studied with in school.

A man tells another that he makes a lot of money selling essential oils on Facebook So the other man replied “that doesn’t make any cents”

I've changed my Facebook name to Nobody Now when I Like something it will say "Nobody likes this".

Facebook is now hiring! No need to apply, we already have all of your details.

Toddlers use crayons to write on walls, teenagers scribble with spray paint, young adults tag friends facebook walls, and... ... cynical adults leave curmudgeon commentary on other social medias !!!

Social distancing I logged on to Facebook the other day only to post on my daughter's wall that she's a horrible dancer.
She asked why I would do such a thing.
I told her because I heard we were supposed to be "social diss dancing"

2019 is suing facebook For all the mean stuff facebook said about it

best way to speak to yr wife at home? send her a message on facebook

A Facebook friend of mine got arrested today Dude's been posting about drug dealers.

Can't say I'm surprised, the writing was on the wall.

My grandfather died while commenting on a Facebook post I’ll not see the likes of him again

My wife complained,, that the way my life revolves around Facebook has destroyed the way we communicate as a family.

So I blocked her..

A man stopped me in the street yesterday And asked "what grooming products do you use?"

"Haribo's and Facebook works every time" I said.

What is it called when your grandma becomes an irritating facebook woman? Sharon is Karen

I'm addicted to buying hatchets from other countries because of the smell. I just love Foreign Axe Scents


**Taken from Axe Junkies facebook group I'm in.

Ever heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect? I read this Facebook article on it, so I'm basically an expert.

Hashtags I saw a post on facebook that was about how people use hashtags wrongly and how they don't understand what the hashtags actually mean.

I agreed so I commented

\#MeToo

I’m tired of the Facebook ads telling me I can lose 18 pounds and 8 inches in a month. Losing 18 pounds would be cool, but I don’t want to be five-foot two.

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

I made a “Epstein didn’t kill himself” joke on Facebook today..... I laughed, my friends laughed, the people involved with Epstein who are now going remain anonymous and never be punished laughed. Good times

Santa saw your Facebook posts this year. He’s gonna give you a dictionary.

Why do Redditors hate Facebook Because you need friends to be on it.

I heard Facebook had published a list of 71 genders but when I looked there were only 70... Someone's hidden a gender, if you ask me...

I don’t know if Facebook has ever caused the lame to walk but it has certainly caused the dumb to speak

At my age now, people say facebook is a great way to connect with old friends Well at my age if i wanted to connect with old friends i would need a Ouija board.

A Roman walks into a bar, shows 2 fingers and says "5 beers please". Stolen from Facebook

I wanted to try and use Beef Stew for my Facebook password... But it wasn't Stroganoff.

I just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' Now when I see stupid post I click like and it says 'No one likes this'

My brother (27 YO) read this on Facebook on Friday. He's not stopped laughing since. Why do scuba divers fall backwards of the boat?

If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

Instead of using Tinder or Bumble, go on Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses for sale. You will receive a list of recently divorced women in your immediate area, for free. Plus you can filter by size.

How much time per day so you waste on Facebook? 2 hours.
How much time per day do yo spend on Facebook?
I just told you 2 hours.
So you admit 100% of your Facebook time is wasted.

You are hired at Facebook Don't worry there is no interview. They have got your details.

My kids don't have Facebook So I will never know when their birthdays are.

My girlfriend is very upset at me for not making a girlfriends day post about her on Facebook. But not as mad as my wife would be if she saw me post about my girlfriend on Facebook so it all works out.

Popular Topics

Long Facebook Jokes

Facebook delivered this Obama joke, I found it funny...

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Obama:
"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!"

Cashier:
"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier:
"I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama:
"I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day"

Cashier:
"Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?"

Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

Facebook should make a bigger deal over privacy, certainly as far as photos are concerned.

I managed to find a really attractive girl I'd seen before, and without adding her, I could see all her photos, including some in a bikini.
I mean, she's lucky it's only me wanking and not some pervert.

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know what I want?

--Well, according to your street name and your apartment number, your last 12 orders were a large pepperoni pizza

--Uh, o-okay... yeah, I want that please...

--May I suggest pizza without salt, ricotta, brocoli and tomato?

--What? Why? No! I hate vegetables!

--Your cholesterol is not good sir...

--And how do you know?

--We got your info on your last 7 blood analysis, the numbers are quite bad

--Stop! Enough! I take my medication!

--Uhhh, sorry sir but our database shows that you've not taken it lately. The last box of medication you bought, was bought the 15th of February at 3:45 PM.

--B-But I bought more at another pharmacy!

--Your credit card records tell otherwise...

--I paid in cash! I have another source of income

--Your last tax declaration doesn't show that, sorry sir, we dont want you to have problems with the government...

--Forget it! I dont want my pizza anymore!

--Sorry sir, we just wanna help.

--Help? I'm so tired of Google, Facebook, Instagram, everything! I'm gonna go to an island where I can live without internet!

--I understand sir, but it says her that your passport expired 5 months ago...



《Credit goes to a Facebook page I follow, I just translated it :D》

Work got cancelled for two weeks, so I go to the grocery store on the way home.

I’ve seen all the news, lots of Facebook pictures of empty shelves, but I was not prepared for this madness. There’s a line of like five people by the frozen goods aisle, trying to get pizza.

So I decide to go get some ramen. I know it’s not the best, but it keeps forever and I’ve been perfecting my “authentic” ramen recipe.

Sure enough, there’s an even longer line there, only two packets per person. And there’s literally a whole aisle of shelves that’s just instant ramen, plastic wrap from the boxes is on the floor, and the person picking out their two packs is being very indecisive... there is a decent sized group waiting, so I head to the cleaning products aisle.

This is where it gets crazy. One store employee is tearing open bulk bags of toilet paper, giving one roll to each customer. And there is another employee putting Clorox wipes in baggies, 5 for a dollar. The aisle is packed, shopping carts clacking together. So I decide to just go get some Koolaid or fruit punch or whatever.

There is no punch line.

Saw this on Facebook

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal.

He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; and if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Muslim people met and picked an aged and wise Mufti to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Mufti spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Arabic, they agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and Mufti sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Mufti looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Mufti pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Mufti pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Moulana was too clever.

The Muslims could stay in Italy.

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

"He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God!

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

"He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.

"He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

"He beat me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Muslim community gathered to ask the Mufti how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," the Mufti said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Muslims and I told him that we were staying right here!"

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the Mufti. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine. And then he walked away!"

Facebook..in real life...

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.
I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them.
And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me: 2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

Grandma's Facebook

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, D.C.

Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls it down and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress, and they’re asking for a $100m ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asks the driver.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon."

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. He stands in line for about an hour and a half and get to the end. He finally rents his tuxedo.

Lastly, he makes a stop at the limo and, surprise surprise: there's a long limo line. He sticks with it because he really wants to impress his date and finally rents his limo after a couple hours.

So now it's the date of the dance and he pulls up in a stretch limo to pick up his date.

She's blown away by all the effort he put in for their date. She loves the flowers, she thinks he looks really handsome in his tuxedo, and finds the flowers to be beautiful.

So now they're at the prom, dancing, and having a good time until she gets thirsty.

"Hey, babe. Do you mind going over to the punch table to get me something to drink?"

"Sure! No problem, love."

He walks over to the punch bowl and there's no punchline

Edit: No, this joke isn't mine, I saw it on Facebook a few years ago and thought some people would "like" it here. "Like" of course being in the biggest quotation marks money can buy

I tried training for the Samaritans once.

But they told me I wasn't good at listening and I said "what?" and they said I wasn't good at listening.

-- This joke was made by a friend on facebook in the UK who currently has a really really bad time - homeless and suicidal. I found the joke really funny. Would be really nice if I could show him that he is actually a pretty funny lad and has reasons to continue living. (I'm 100% serious!!)

Topical Jokes 4/11

A man in Indiana is considering a lawsuit after a dentist pulled out all of his teeth without his permission. In a related story, the tooth fairy has filed for bankruptcy.

The Internet Movie Database has won a lawsuit against an actress who sued the site for revealing her age. Hollywood is turning the case into a movie, but the actress wasn’t cast as herself, they went with someone a little younger.

An internal memo reveals that the IRS can read your emails and text messages without a warrant. And if you think that’s scary, the IRS can take money out of your paycheck, and keep it!

Honda and Toyota have issued a recall for safety airbags that could spray shrapnel when deployed. Of course, not that much shrapnel flies out, so the airbags will be replaced with *actual landmines*.

…The shrapnel airbag is one of several features they’re recalling, along with the child-catapult seat, self-cutting brake lines, and a steering wheel that transforms into a rattlesnake.

Tickets for the upcoming Kid Rock tour are on sale for just twenty dollars. Sounds like a bargain, until you find out the concert is literally just a kid with a rock.

A tax oversight group revealed that Facebook paid a negative 40% tax rate last year. Facebook qualified for the tax break because at this point it’s essentially a religion.

The police in Dubai are now patrolling in a Lamborghini Aventador, which has a top speed of 217 miles per hour. It’s so fast, that it may be the first police car in history *to pull itself over*.

Scientists at Stanford have figured out a way to make see-through mouse brains. Well, I think that settles it; scientists have officially run out of things to do.

A man in LA sawed his arms off at a Home Depot. Police initially thought the man was a threat, but it turned out he was unarmed.

…the event underscores just how far Home Depot customers have to go to get an employee to help them.

The movie “Django Unchained” was pulled from theaters in China, after only showing a few seconds. The audience was really disappointed, they only got to heard the n-word fifteen times.

(I think this was a pretty good batch, thanks for reading!)

Topical Joke Takeover 8/2/13

A new study shows that plastic surgery only makes you look about three years younger. And *not* getting plastic surgery, makes you look about five years younger.

The recent Rolling Stone issue with alleged marathon bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev on the cover is selling like crazy. Drawing equal controversy, is the most recent cover of “Terrorist Monthly” which features One Direction.

…Tsarnaev is really riding a positive PR wave, he’s even being selected as People Magazine’s “Sexiest Terrorist Alive.”

James Cameron has announced that he plans to make three Avatar sequels. Unfortunately, two of those sequels are “Smurfs” movies.

The Texas prison system is running low on the drug they use to administer lethal injections. They don’t have enough of the drug to kill an inmate, just make him feel like he has really bad cramps.

Accused murderer Aaron Hernandez sent a fan a handwritten letter that said, “God put me in jail.” That’s right folks, God’s a snitch.

…apparently Hernandez thinks one of the ten commandments is: “Thou haveth the right to remaineth silent.”

Scientists have developed a method to grow teeth from urine. You don’t have to worry about bad breath, as long as you keep a urinal cake in your mouth.

…naturally they came up with the idea of making teeth from urine by asking, “What’s the last thing you’d want in your mouth?”.

The US Postal Service has confirmed that they photograph every box or letter mailed in the United States. When he heard the news, Anthony Weiner rushed down to the post office, because he heard they wanted to photograph his package.

Speaking of the Post Office, wants to allow beer and wine to be shipped via US Mail. Which is great, because the mail is so slow, by the time you get your wine, *it’s already vintage!*

…just imagine the convenience of shipping alcohol through the mail. You drop off a case of beer at the post office, and then your mailman would deliver a soggy, beer-soaked box, filled with shattered glass.

The shares for Facebook have finally climbed higher than the price at their IPO. Mark Zuckerberg is relieved, now he can stop leaving shares of Facebook stock under people’s windshield wipers.

The hoodie Trayvon Martin was wearing when he was shot will be placed in the Smithsonian museum. George Zimmerman will be present for the ribbon-shooting ceremony.

Ellen Degeneres has been selected to host the 2014 Academy Awards. Degeneres is ready to go, she’s already picked out her most glamorous sweater vest.

In Russia, a man was arrested for stealing a one-mile stretch of road. Police arrested the man immediately, because the road he stole was his only escape route!

(Thanks for reading, yes I wrote these)

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

*I found this joke again while browsing and deleting my old facebook notes. This was from 2007.*

Facebook Problem

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

Social media In real life.

One of my friends is forging a bold new path for himself, and eschewing the conventions of normal life, here's a tale he told me that illustrates his attitude...

'I haven't got a computer, but I was told about Facebook and Twitter and am trying to make friends outside Facebook and Twitter while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passers by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do for the rest of the day. I give them pictures of my wife, my daughter, my dog and me gardening and on holiday, spending time by the pool. I also listen to their conversations, tell them I "like" them and give them my opinion on every subject that interests me... whether it interests them or not.

And it works. I already have four people following me: two police officers, a social worker, and a psychiatrist.'

Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

Pizza for dinner

Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Domino's holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.

"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."

"No, it's not," he replied. "Your neighbor forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."

Bikers see a girl is about to jump off a bridge...

(I got this joke off Facebook and don't know if it's been posted here before)

Arizona bikers were riding South on the US-93 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Hoover Dam Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the StateTrooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering
kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even
the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch with each other. Summer break hangouts, regular texting and online gaming slowly became infrequent emails and Facebook likes. Produce drifts apart, these things happen.

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One day, though, they get to talking again and decide they need to get back together. That after all this time, they're not only going to celebrate their friendship but renew their commitment to stay best friends. No other friends, no ladies, just the two of them. They both plan time off work, travel back to their hometown and go to their favourite bar. They even arranged with the owner to reserve their favourite booth. And it's like they never lost touch. Over multiple pitchers of beer they tell all the old stories and share new laughs. Just having a great time of things. Over the course of the night, though, the first tomato see's this tasty piece of celery eyeing him from the bar. And she is just gorgeous, a real crisp hottie if you get my meaning. And even though he keeps finding her checking him out, he keeps puts her out of his mind as best he can. Tonight is just about best tomatoes forever.

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As the night wears one, the second tomato gets up to let out some of the beer they've been drinking. And he's gone maybe 30 seconds when that celery shakes her stalk across the bar and slides into the empty seat to chat up the first tomato. The first tomato is so blinded with flirting with her that he doesn't see second tomato come back. And he is pissed. 'Dude, tonight was supposed to be about us', he says, 'And the second I'm gone you ditch me for a bar tramp?'

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The first tomato tries explaining it isn't like that, that she's hitting on him. He tries begging the second tomato to understand, that he'd never have another shot in a million years with someone as hot as her on any other night. He tries suggesting he go home with and that they reschedule their tomatoes night out for another night. The second tomato doesn't like this. Furious, he says that if the one night they were going to celebrate all the years they were friends, the one night they were pledging to making an effort to staying as close as they've been, that he's going to ditch him for a girl he won't remember in a week ... then their friendship never really meant anything.

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The first tomato lets the second go, figuring that they'll both cool down and talk tomorrow. He goes back to chatting up the celery up as the night starts to wind down. Meanwhile, the second tomato storms off to the other side of the bar and starts doing shots with group of rowdy beefsteak tomatoes, telling them about how his friend betrayed him over a girl. Well, you better believe they don't like hearing about their tomato brother getting stabbed in the back like that and decide to do something about it.

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As the first tomato is waiting outside for the celery to finish powdering her leaves, the table of rowdy tomatoes jump him. They pull him down and lay into him, beating him up and down, screaming and berating him the entire time before leaving him in he gutter to die. It's about this time that the second tomato realizes almost everyone's left and decides to head out himself. When he gets outside, though, he sees his best friend laying beaten on the sidewalk, tomato juice running in the gutter. I mean, he's practically ketchup at this point. He hurriedly calls 911 before cradling his friend, crying and praying to god. He holds his friend the entire ambulance ride. At the hospital he spends three hours pacing back and fourth in the waiting room.

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Finally, the doctor comes out. And for synchronicity's sake we'll say the doctor is a carrot. The carrot doctor comes up to the tomato and asks if he wants to hear the good news or the bad news.

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The tomato gets really quite for a moment, before whispering through chapped lips that he needs to hear the good news. The doctor says 'Well, it was touch and go for a while, and he's not out of the garden yet, but I think he'll live.' The tomato cries out in relief, thanking the doctor profusely. All that matters is that his friend is gonna live, he can take the bad news so long as he'll live. 'What's the bad news, doc?'

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The doctor says 'Well, the beating was quite severe. So, he'll live but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life.'

Joke about a man's ex wife...

A man was browsing Facebook when he saw a post saying that his ex-wife had passed due to an illness.

Immediately, he called her phone number. An unrecognizable male voice answered, "Hello?", and the man said, "Can I speak with Alice?".

The voice, sounded sad, and said, "I'm sorry but she passed away last night". The man promptly hangs up.

Then he called the number again and the same person answered. "Hello?" he asked. The man asked again, "Is Alice there?", and the man said, "Hey, I just told you that she's dead".

And the man said, "I know, I just love hearing that".

Tech Companies are getting into Showers.

A Google shower would make you sign in to Google+, track how many times per day you shower, then sell it to advertisers.

A Facebook shower would have a camera watch you so you can share it with your friends

An Apple shower would only work with an obscure showerhead that uses a non-standard connection, would be no longer supported after 5 years, and would force you to buy a new home to upgrade.

A Linux shower would require that you first spend 40 years becoming a master plumber, carpenter, engineer, and electrician, renovate your entire house from the ground up to install it, and would not be compatible with your utility company's water.

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